Tara Caffelle asks What are Your Foam Blocks? – BLOG

Believe it or not, I used to be a pretty serious weight-lifting sort. You would not know it by looking at me now, but I used to lift very heavy things in tiny, short sets, not caring that involuntary grunts escaped me as I did. I worked with a trainer who accepted absolutely zero bullshit from me, and I sometimes had trouble operating the clutch in my car after my workouts.

I’d arrive at Gold’s gym when they opened at 5am in order to get in my training for the day. At home, I would place my workout gear outside the door of my bathroom,and when the alarm went off, I’d shuffle to the bathroom, climb into my clothes like a little fireman, grab my shake and water from the fridge, and leave. I ate accordingly: egg whites and oatmeal for breakfast, followed by five more very strategic meals throughout the day. I drank 3L of water each day, and went for weeks without consuming alcohol.

The me that did all this would go to the occasional yoga class and scoff at the babies in the class – the people who gathered foam blocks and bolsters to comfort themselves during the class and a blanket with which to keep warm in the final savasana.

My punishing ways continued for years. I somehow tied good exercise to struggle and pain and the rejection of any sort of help. At the same time, I was of the mind that my body was my enemy, something to be fixed so that it looked right and was the proper size (whatever that even is!).

That was then.

This week, I went into my usual candlelight yoga class and as I made my way to a spot by the front window, I took a long, peaceful breath and absorbed the calm atmosphere. I took a sip of my green tea before I unrolled my mat and then went to select two foam blocks, a foam cushion, and a bolster.

As I bent to pick up the foam blocks, the ones that help you to get into some of the yoga poses and give your body a break, I smiled, delighting in what I noticed: I wasn’t hesitating for a moment in gathering these items to make my practice easier. Instead of telling my body “YOU’RE ON YOUR OWN!” I was offering it compassion and comfort and support.

It was a really nice thing to notice in the candlelight.

And, as I always do, I am going to apply this to our relationships (I’ve already done this with nearly every client I’ve spoken to since that yoga class!):

Our habit, in relationship, is often to make it fend for itself. We expect it to roll along with us, supporting our every desire while staying resilient and supportive. We treat it like a body-builder living on egg whites and muscle grunts.

What if we instead felt compassion, and gave our relationships what they needed? What if we grabbed a damn foam block and let it be easier?

The ‘foam block’ gets to be whatever you define it to be. Maybe your relationship would really like some quiet evenings at home, rather than an over-scheduled whir of activity. Maybe it wants more affection, care and kindness. The foam blocks in my relationship are making sure we have lots of snuggling time, planning fun outings outside of the house, and finding things to celebrate as we work hard to realize our dreams. These are the things that nurture us both and allow us to get into some pretty strenuous “poses” with ease. (Stay with me and my yoga analogy.)

The invitation is to see where you are not offering compassion to your partner or your relationship and then, preferably by candlelight and with some green tea, ask what it wants in order to feel supported.

_________________________________________


Get Real, Sexy Real.

Tara

Tara Caffelle is a Relationship and Communication coach. She is passionate about creating connected, almost-uncomfortable-to-watch relationships that are based in Sexy Communication and Big Lives worth rolling around in.

Tara is based in the Lower Mainland of Vancouver and offers custom-designed coaching programs. To claim your free 90+ minutes and see what might be possible for your own super coupledom (or persondom), find a time here.
Have a question for Tara? Have an idea for a Hump Day conversation? How about just some thoughts about this thing called life? Let us know here. We’ll answer back. We promise.

Super Couples Can Change the World – BLOG

how-super-couples-can-change-the-world

After the election, I needed to hear about Super Couples. It’s been one hell of a week and I do mean hell. To me hell is what happens when our unspoken, sacred rules of humanity are broken. In this case trashed, burned, buried and even mocked but this is not an article about the election and the demise of trust. No really, it’s not. It’s about love, kindness, relationship and Tara Caffelle.

I bordered on becoming a dangerously sad drunk these past seven days and I’m not talking about booze. As a kid I endured sloppy holidays with intoxicated and teary uncles cornering me between the fridge and the chip dip begging me to never give up on my dreams. Go to school, they said, and don’t turn into me, they begged. Guess what?  I grasped their drunken despair this week. I drank a few too many glasses of wine and I ate a lot of chip dip. Still, this is not an article about the election but I can’t seem to get away from it. Neither could Tara or I when we spoke earlier this week.

Tara Caffelle, a relationship coach and a good one – great one – balls to the wall – best one.  She likens herself to being a couple’s fairy godmother who with her magic wand of good honest work is here to change the world one Super Couple at a time. In unpredictable times such as these, we all could use a fair godmother don’t you think? We can skip the glass slipper/glass ceiling or whatever…, ditch the carriage that goes poof into a pumpkin at midnight, but let’s keep the wand shall we? Tara’s kind of fairy dust teaches us all how to turn toward each other. We need that. She believes that when we turn in to each other we begin a ripple of loving kindness that can be felt by all. Her message is timely.

 

Tara Caffelle with TinaO

 

I needed her this week and badly. Not because my personal relationship was in trouble, rather because my relationship with the world had it’s teeth kicked in and I found myself feeling gobsmacked reading the ‘I left you and btw I took the kids’ on the American electorate kitchen table. We both felt it. How could we not?

Tara – Helloooooooo… How are you?
TinaO – Oh f*ck… I’m okay.  I’m recalibrating you know?
Tara – Yeah, me to. Me too.
TinaO – And all the positive spin spin spin on social media out there, we’re all just coping because it’s all we can do right now. 
Tara – Mmmm…. yes, we need to make it understandable for ourselves. Last night I read an article and I thought maybe this will be okay. I’m trying to make sense of this, I’m trying to make it be okay but there’s so much shadow between ‘here and it’s okay‘ and I don’t know that I’m ready to do that.  I was humming along just fine before all of this, and now what??? It’s exhausting.
We both realized:  How like a relationship this is.  
Tara Caffee with TinaO post USA 2016 election

 

I’ve had my fair share of relationship smack-down moments. I’ve been in love many times which means I’ve also been left at the altar so to speak more times than I care to remember or admit. I don’t believe in soulmates. I don’t believe in the Lord of the Rings version of marriage with One Ring to Rule them All. I don’t believe in ’til death do us part’ – What do I have to die to get out of this?  And some people do. I believe in love and I believe in freedom.  Love is a renewable resource and freedom is the mother who never dies, who never abandons, whom you can always come home to. I’m a sensible Canadian, but even I can hear the Nationalistic pride in my personal values.

USA = the land of the free and home of the brave.
Canada = our charter of rights and freedoms
and then Love = Love knows no bounds
We are fueled by love. We build countries on it.

Tara – I just keep coming back to the only thing I have control over is what I put out to the world and I think compassionate, loving, soft people who feel at home is what is going to save us. 
We’re going to be living in a world where we need to be looking out for everyone.  To look around and recognize we don’t take for granted anybody’s safety anymore, we actually have to look out for each other now. We are now all together in this.  That’s the invitation. It’s the ultimate in self-care. 
In the past, when my relationships have blown up, sometimes I’ve been the one holding the detonator and that’s a hard truth to accept. I have pushed the big red button of blame, of sabotage, of distance, of incrimination and justification. I’ve lashed out. I’ve also hidden from love behind the self-care mask and it sounds like this: What is wrong with you? I expect more. You let me down again. How dare you do this to me. Don’t you know how stupid…? I can’t do this anymore, I’m outta here.  Sound familiar? 
This kind of self-love is actually self-protection and not love at all, but it’s not exactly fear either. It’s the ring of survival where love and fear meet and duke it out until one is laid out against the ropes and going down and then what do we say?  I’ll live to fight another day. Why are we fighting?
This is why Tara’s work is so important. I am you and you are me.
When we actually prioritize our relationships, when we care about our relationships like we would ourselves, when we think about self-care (which btw is the most annoying phrase I’ve ever heard in my life), as our own care, being compassionate to ourselves, we have a full cup to give from and when everyone is feeding from that same giant pool of water, there can be enough.  It’s only when we focus on the periphery of our lives, that’s our water source gets empty, and it all starts in relationship. I take care of you, and I take care of us to take care of you, to take care of me.  I agree to treat you like you are the most precious being in the world, because you are. …That part just makes me cry.
 Tara Caffelle and TinaO election 2016
I’m thinking, oh boy, are we talking about fusion here? This is gonna be pretty dang triggering for those in therapy world so I asked her, is this what your definition of relationship is? I am you, you are me? She thought about it for a quick countdown of five seconds. I could hear her wheels processing, feel her scales weighing, and watch her truth-ometer kick in.   Yes, she said.  Yes, it is.  
I’m stealing from Dan Savage here. He calls it the cost of admission.  His cost of admission is having a partner who is a slob in the kitchen. It makes him nuts. Everything is everywhere: the bread, the mustard, the entire kitchen blows up but that’s one of his costs of admission to being in relationship with him. We have different prices to pay and our most challenging and triggering cost is just giving your partner what they need. Asking what does your partner require right now? What do they need, that needs you to give it to them? Just give it to them. I know you don’t want to. I don’t care. Do it because they are asking for it.
I can feel my own personal freedom alarms going crazy as I think: where in our marriage vows does it say I agree to give you what you need simply because you ask for it.
Tara responds: 
We take things personally. We get triggered. We react. Let’s not collapse and forget that we manage ourselves by asking and staying in charge of our own needs. It’s as if the relationship becomes a third person in your home and for them to feel welcome and safe, sometimes you have to step over your own bullshit, your own triggers, ego, resentment, and get ACTIVATED by saying NO, my relationship needs this from me right now. 
After fifteen years of marriage I can honestly say that I have been in places where the resentment was so deep and the pain was too debilitating to know what to do so I asked, what happens when the ‘love tank’ we talked about above is empty, rusted or has a hole in it? What if you can’t find the energy to step over your ego as you say?
Sometimes the cost of admission here is to be really fucking gentle right now, to not get triggered… even though you do feel triggered, to just to AGREE that we are going to be really, really kind to each other. We can ask, how can we be a little more gentle and caring? How can we hold each other? Sometimes it starts with the smallest things like shutting off netflix to cuddle or have a shower together. We can ease into making tiny threads of connection by turning towards each other on our way back to centre. 
We riffed on the question, What if your relationship was a guest at a Christmas party, who would they be? The drunk uncle on a soapbox? The clingy girlfriend? Are you sulking in the corner? On the make? Playing an instrument by yourself? Gorging at the buffet? Or are you still standing at the front door waiting to be asked in?
TinaO and Tara Caffelle
At TinaOLife, Tara writes a regular column called Where Relationships Get Real and there’s no denying that what we witnessed in the USA over the last year and a half was pretty toxic and yet dangerously real. We watched it all and not just the two leaders in survival mode throwing jabs and sucker punches at each other, but we saw a huge section of the population changed sides. They went from silent to outraged, respectful to hate filled, and contained to dangerous. It’s as if the land of the free and the brave left their marriage for the promise of power and domination. So I asked about betrayal. Is this what we do when our needs aren’t being met? Is this how affairs happen?

Yes, we begin to look outward.  When needs aren’t being met, when we’re feeling injured, when there’s disconnect, when we feel distanced in some way… It’s so easy for a fracture to turn into a big crack and then grow into a gash between. When the relationship bank account is at bedrock we will look for other ways to fill it.

 

We can do that for each other, and things don’t have to be ‘hard’ or ‘wrong’ to start. We all need a little extra cushion for these exact reasons and kindness costs us nothing.

 

Tara Caffelle with TinaO after the election
That really resonated for me.
Kindness costs nothing.
Kindness costs nothing.
Kindness costs nothing.
Kindness costs nothing.
Kindness costs nothing.
Kindness costs nothing.
 There’s a graffiti tag I’d like to see more of. 
The bottomline for me is that great functioning relationships ripple out and change the world. I’m here to support those ripples in all the ways I can. I’m an empathic person and I feel all the shit that’s going on in the world, I feel it so heavily, and this is how I can take action, it starts with you and me. 
I can hear it again:  I am you, you are me. 
Tara Caffelle Super Couple Tune up
Tara has a workshop coming up on Nov. 19th for the day (10am-5pm). It’s called The Super Couple Tune Up and let’s be real here – if Barack Obama can meet with Donald Trump in the Oval Office, turn in to him, talk, and then shake his hand, who are we to deny ourselves the deepest most delicious and rewarding connection with the person we continue to choose to be with? For heaven’s sake people, we LOVE our partner. Just get there would ya?
When I asked her what happens there she answered me as the Fairy Godmother that she is:
It’s pretty simple. You’re hanging out with your most beloved for a whole day and getting to learn a few things and have some lightness and sweetness between you. There’s no dancing bears, no walking on coals. It’s a relationship workshop because we know, living in the same house doesn’t make a marriage or a connection.  And it’s okay to have conflict, part of the workshop is WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR EACH OTHER? LET’S TALK ABOUT THAT?  What do you need from me?  How can I actually support that for you? I’m here to serve you as much as you need to, and I hope that after a day with me, you don’t have to come back because sometimes all you need is just a little tune up. 
Come as a couple. Come as a pair.
It’s like the Arc you can only get in two by two.  
Tara Caffelle and TinaO After the Election 2016
It took one and a half years to bring the divide of the United States to the surface so we can all see and hear the reality of the division. As a Canadian, as a wife, as a mother, as a friend, as a community member, as a person in traffic, someone who orders coffee, shops in stores, signs paperwork, makes agreements, pays bills and spends money, as a human being who lives in an ever constant relationship with the boring and painful, ecstatic and joyful, as a body whose bare feet are in communion with the earth and a spirit who touches the sky, relationship is the only bond we all share, like it or not.
I needed Tara Caffelle this week because my faith and willingness to show up again shook. My marriage with humanity brought me to my knees and I wanted to take my ring off. I believe her. Healing starts at home. When we are blessed with a home where love lives because we nurture it in the face of our own shaking vulnerability and we practice, daily, turning into one another, we show up with the Big S on our chest for Super Couple and we ripple love and sexy kindness out into the world.
You can’t hate, fear or divide from someone when you know them. I am you and you are me. Thank you Tara.
Register for Tara’s Super Couple this SATURDAY NOV. 19th here.  

 

Tara-Caffelle-TinaO-LifeTara Caffelle is a relationship coach who was married, then married in an open marriage, then divorced, then single, and now is in a happy and fulfilling monogam-ish relationship with a guy she seems to never get tired of. She’s a writer and is currently working on her first book about grief and love and intimacy which she found when she lost her best friend, her dog and 3 other people in the span of one year and 20 days.

She believes that sometimes we have to be brave enough to break our own hearts that our relationships set us free and that good ones, SUPER COUPLE ones, can, and will, change the world.


 TinaO Your Living Story
 TinaO is a Core Story Specialist, a writer, speaker and the founder of TinaOLife – a hub for all things worth living for, and the workshop Live Your Best Story. She’s also a professional network marketer with a decade in the industry and  she teaches: selling isn’t slimy and marketing isn’t make-believe. You can be yourself and be successful in Direct Sales.

Everyday Adventures – BLOG

every-day-adventures

When I had Baxter (the basset hound), it would come to that time of the day when I knew he needed to get outside to collect some new smells and waddle around the neighbourhood. I would wrap up the work I was doing and say, “Let’s go on an adventure!”

You see, I could never use the word “walk” without making our departure a little crazy. All hell would break loose, with Baxter pacing in circles, whining, and “following” me by walking ahead and blocking my every step, lest I try to leave the house without him.

Now that Baxter is gone—he passed away in May—I have no need to go outside for a walk each day. But I have come to enjoy thinking of life as a series of adventures. It was easy in the summer as we found endless craft breweries to try out, hikes to hike, and outdoor movies to lie about in a park to watch. Everything was an adventure. Now that it’s fall, we’re settled into being at home, wearing slippers around the house, and launching Netflix marathons. The only adventure is seeing if we can squeeze in another episode of Downton Abbey before one of us drifts off into a slack-jawed slumber.

Perhaps I exaggerate a touch, but it’s partly true. It’s not okay with me that I spend more time at my desk than anywhere else. So I roped The Mister into a brainstorm session to plot out some Everyday Adventures we can enjoy together.

Here’s what we came up with:

  1. Choosing and preparing dinner when we’re both home. Much discussion and Pinterest-referring ensues, followed by a quick scour of available ingredients in the pantry and wine rack. Dinner for two becomes a playful indoor date.
  2. Hiking and biking and other sweaty things. This idea is a win all-around; we get exercise, we get fresh air, and we get to smugly go through the rest of the day in a glorious caloric deficit.
  3. Going to a whole new neighbourhood to grocery shop or sit in a coffee shop. I do this often when I am writing and looking for some fresh inspiration. A change of venue gives me a new perspective or a gentle nudge outside of my comfort zone. I figure it’s a great idea for relationships, too.
  4. Buying tickets for random events in the city. We have many mini-adventures to look forward to where we get to dress up (we are both working from home a fair bit and turning into rather cozy cubicle-mates, so this is always a good thing!) and make a date night of it. In the next few months, we will go see Danny Bhoy, Louis CK, and Interesting Vancouver and we’re having fun researching the before-and-after of the plans.
  5. Planning adventures in other places. We are in the process of booking an escape to somewhere hot when the Vancouver rain is at its most plentiful, and a weekend escape to Jasper. While the trips will be really fun, so much joy comes from the preparation we are doing now.
  6. Thrift store treasure hunting. One of us will get a nutty idea or decide we need something—I am on the lookout for a big, sloppy pair of overalls I can wear when I paint, for instance—so we will make a little outing to a big thrift store and spend a couple of hours goofing off as we look for treasures. Last time, we came across a GIANT teal sombrero and I wore it around the store as I looked through old prom dresses. So fun.
  7. Connecting with old friends and bringing them into the adventurous loop for games, dinners and catching up. Now that summer and all the frantic squeezing-in of outdoor fun has ended, it’s nice to connect again.

When we set the intention that we are here for “adventure” (however tame that might actually look), it helps us to find fun in whatever is going on. So what are your “adventures” going to be this week? How will you be intentional with your time? Tell me, tell me, and maybe I can steal your ideas!


img_3452

 

Get Real, Sexy Real

Tara

Tara Caffelle is a Relationship and Communication coach. She is passionate about creating connected, almost-uncomfortable-to-watch relationships that are based in Sexy Communication and Big Lives worth rolling around in.

Tara is based in the Lower Mainland of Vancouver and offers custom-designed coaching programs. To claim your free 90+ minutes and see what might be possible for your own super coupledom (or persondom), find a time here.

Have a question for Tara? Have an idea for a Hump Day conversation? How about just some thoughts about this thing called life? Let us know here. We’ll answer back. We promise.

 

Five in Five – How to Create a Magical Connection – BLOG

five-in-five

It only takes five hours per week to maintain a strong, connected relationship. Yes, I did just give you a formula.

You are welcome.

Here’s the in-brief version for all of you scanners out there, but I invite you to watch the video below, because scanning a quick read isn’t doing, and five hours isn’t five minutes.

Get the connection?

Just sayin’

Five Things you can do in your Magical Five Hours of Connection.

1) Parting – spend 2 minutes each work day saying good-bye thoughtfully
2) Reunion – spend 10 minutes connecting at the end of your work day sharing, witnessing and championing each other
3) Admiration and Appreciation – spend 5 minutes each day acknowledging and noticing all that your partner IS and DOES
4) Affection – spend 5 minutes each day (minimum) touching each other and showing affection
5) Date Night – steal away for a minimum of 2 hours each week to nurture the relationship that started your lives together.

img_3452Get Real, Sexy Real.

Tara

Tara Caffelle is a Relationship and Communication coach. She is passionate about creating connected, almost-uncomfortable-to-watch relationships that are based in Sexy Communication and Big Lives worth rolling around in.

Tara is based in the Lower Mainland of Vancouver and offers custom-designed coaching programs. To claim your free 90+ minutes and see what might be possible for your own super coupledom (or persondom), find a time here.

Have a question for Tara? Have an idea for a Hump Day conversation? How about just some thoughts about this thing called life? Let us know here. We’ll answer back. We promise.

 

September is SMOOTH like Peanut Butter

3-top-tips-vlog
I heard a great expression today:
“September. It’s like time clicks over from molasses to wine.”
So true, isn’t it?
I had a glorious summer of working when I wanted to, on things that resonated with me, and now it’s time to hit-the-ground with it all and put things back into action. I have re-stocked the pantry for cooking and nesting and making out with my slow-cooker, I have hauled out the winter boots and sweaters and I’ve made a pot of tea almost every afternoon to keep me company as I write.
And I am not alone in my Sprint September ways, am I? I hear from clients that kids are back in school, and it’s already mayhem. Some are juggling businesses, and gaining parents, and epic exhaustion as the light seems to fade earlier and earlier as we tumble toward the shortest day of the year in just a few months.
I have been offering some simple solutions all week in these calls, and so I am here to share them with you, too. (You don’t even have to be working with me—aren’t you lucky?)

I hope you are easing into the transition to fall, and as always, if I can support you in any way, you know where to find me.
Until next week,
Tara

Tara Cafelle Where Relationships Get Real

Get Real, Sexy Real.
Tara

 Tara Caffelle is a Relationship and Communication coach.  She is passionate about creating connected, almost-uncomfortable-to-watch relationships that are based in Sexy Communication and Big Lives worth rolling around in.

Tara is based in the Lower Mainland of Vancouver and offers custom-designed coaching programs. To claim your free 90+ minutes and see what might be possible for your own super coupledom (or persondom), find a time here.

Have a question for Tara?  Have an idea for a Hump Day conversation?   How about just some thoughts about this thing called life? Let us know here.  We’ll answer back.  We promise.

Five Love Languages to Super-Coupledom

Tara 5 love languagesIt seems to me that in our relationships, it can seem like we’re all speaking different languages and missing our connections. We can feel alone, even when we’re surrounded by people who completely adore us because we are looking to be loved in a way that makes sense to us, but the same is true for every single person and there are many ways in which we love—these ways aren’t necessarily the same for everyone.
And so allow me to introduce Gary Chapman’s The 5 Love Languages
I spent the last week camping along the West Coast Trail with a dear friend of mine, and as we set up our home in the woods each evening and found the necessities of water, shelter and food, I noticed that he spoke the same Love Language as I did; we both performed Acts of Service for one another and it made for a pretty harmonious week. If he had been someone whose language was Words of Affirmation, we may have had some hiccups when I didn’t acknowledge him with praise and compliments. I was always very grateful for all he did to keep me safe and comfortable in the woods, obviously, but because that wasn’t the way he shows love, he wasn’t waiting for that from me.
Tara I noticed 5 love
In any case, this is an easy component to explore on the
way to SuperCouple-dom and provides an almost-guide to helping you and your partner to feel loved and seen by one another. I invite you to take the quiz with your partner and let me know what you notice about the love you feel you are receiving.
Here is the link to my video this week:


Tara Cafelle Where
Get Real, Sexy Real.
Tara
 Tara Caffelle is a Relationship and Communication coach.  She is passionate about creating connected, almost-uncomfortable-to-watch relationships that are based in Sexy Communication and Big Lives worth rolling around in.

Tara is based in the Lower Mainland of Vancouver and offers custom-designed coaching programs. To claim your free 90+ minutes and see what might be possible for your own super coupledom (or persondom), find a time here.

Have a question for Tara?  Have an idea for a Hump Day conversation?   How about just some thoughts about this thing called life? Let us know here.  We’ll answer back.  We promise.

Tara VLOG #4 – What are your Wildest Desires?

VLOG Are you sharing
In this week’s VLOG we’re talking about your biggest, craziest, wildest dreams and how you might make them come true – the secret *might* just be telling your partner what it is…
And here is the video:
WHAT ARE YOUR WILDEST DESIRES…?


Tara Caffelle is a Relationship and Communication coach.  She is passionate about creating connected, almost-uncomfortable-to-watch relationships that are based in Sexy Communication and Big Lives worth rolling around in.

Tara is based in the Lower Mainland of Vancouver and offers custom-designed coaching programs. To claim your free 90+ minutes and see what might be possible for your own super coupledom (or persondom), find a time here.

Have a question for Tara?  Have an idea for a Hump Day conversation?   How about just some thoughts about this thing called life? Let us know here.  We’ll answer back.  We promise.

The Love & Conversation Sandwich

Love Sandwich

Years ago, I painted a giant acrylic canvas and was never quite happy with it. It sat on my easel wanting attention until I moved, when it was tucked beside a pile of books in a storage unit. I pulled it out more than a year later when I was finally ready to complete it. On the swirling backgrounds of plums, creams, and greys, I painted this quote by Julia Child: “Cooking is like love; it should be entered into with abandon or not at all.”

And I still didn’t like it. I wanted to paint over it, but was hesitant. While I waited for inspiration to strike again, I hung it in the entry of my house.

When I was visiting my parents at their mega-RV- mansion in Arizona last December, I was discussing art with my mom. I told her about this painting that I was never really happy with. I flipped through the hundreds of photos in my phone to find a shot of the painting to show her.

Expecting the obligatory mom response of “Oh, honey! It’s beautiful!”, I was puzzled when she looked at the photo and remained silent.

“Well?” I prompted.

“Um. Yeah. It’s pretty bad, honey.”

Well, at least she called me “honey.”

Earlier this year, I was at a retreat and nabbed some alone time with an actual professional artist who had been telling us about the “Love Sandwich.” That’s where we request feedback to be snuggled in love by asking first what works about a piece, then asking what doesn’t work, and then asking for more feedback of what is great about it. We’re all human and feedback can be hard to take. This seemed like a nice approach.

I told her about my mom and the Julia Child painting and she visibly cringed. She reminded me about The Love Sandwich method and invited me to use it next time I was asking for someone’s thoughts about something I had made.

Armed with this sandwich idea, I continued on with my work, and wouldn’t you know it, over the course of one week three clients were struggling to have difficult conversations with well-meaning loved ones. And thus the Conversation Sandwich was born!

sandwich

The principle is the same, but instead of asking for feedback it’s about asking for what we need in relationship.

The Conversation Sandwich – Top

We start our sandwich, the bread and mayo, if you will, with delicious acknowledgment:

I am so touched that you want to spend time with our newborn and support us…

I have missed you so much and it hurts me that we haven’t talked very much…

You are such an special part of my life and it’s really important to me that we spend time together…

The Conversation Sandwich – Middle

And then we add the meat, which is the request we have of the situation so that it be different:

…and I would love your support in giving us time as a newborn family before we let the world in.

Can we talk about that…?

…And even though I’ve moved to a different city, I would love to find ways for us to stay in touch. Do you ever use Skype…?

…And it feels like we’ve both been really preoccupied. I would love it if we could make a plan to go for a walk…

The Conversation Sandwich – Bottom

The sandwich is complete when we add the lettuce (let us!) and the second piece of bread:

…Our baby is so lucky to have you as a grandmother and I’m so lucky to have you in my corner on this!

…I would feel so much less homesick if I could have regular chats with you about what I’m missing back home…we could even enjoy some wine and make a date of it!

…I have some time next week and I have been dying to ask you about your kitchen renovation!

See? Easy. Acknowledge/spackle on some sincere flattery, make a request, and throw in some sweetness. Done.

Happy conversatin’! I so love sharing these thoughts with you each week and I invite you to let me know about your riotous success as you ask for what you want. Your healthy communication is really important to me. (See what I did there? SANDWICH.)

Tara Cafelle Where

Get Real, Sexy Real

Tara Caffelle

 

 


Tara Caffelle is a Relationship and Communication coach.  She is passionate about creating connected, almost-uncomfortable-to-watch relationships that are based in Sexy Communication and Big Lives worth rolling around in.

Tara is based in the Lower Mainland of Vancouver and offers custom-designed coaching programs. To claim your free 90+ minutes and see what might be possible for your own super coupledom (or persondom), find a time here.

Have a question for Tara?  Have an idea for a Hump Day conversation?   How about just some thoughts about this thing called life? Let us know here.  We’ll answer back.  We promise.

When Life ROCKS You

fLASHBANG

The great folks at the Good Mother Project got me thinking, when they posted an article about “Flashbangs”: the events in life that ROCK you and change life as you know it. The obvious one is the arrival of a baby and the transition into motherhood, but what else can challenge a marriage and create shifts no one could have ever predicted?
I know, right?
GOOD QUESTION. 

This stuff is work talking about, before it happens, ideally.
I would love to know:
  • What rocked you?
  • How did you grow into it?
  • Did you grow into it, or did it leave a part of your relationship just a little fractured?
Time to spill, darling, because this is where relationship gets real, remember?
Tara Cafelle Where
Get Real,
Sexy Real
Tara

Tara Caffelle is a Relationship and Communication coach.  She is passionate about creating connected, almost-uncomfortable-to-watch relationships that are based in Sexy Communication and Big Lives worth rolling around in.

Tara is based in the Lower Mainland of Vancouver and offers custom-designed coaching programs. To claim your free 90+ minutes and see what might be possible for your own super coupledom (or persondom), find a time here.

Have a question for Tara?  Have an idea for a Hump Day conversation?   How about just some thoughts about this thing called life? Let us know here.  We’ll answer back.  We promise.

Boyfriends vs. Husbands

Tara Boyfriends vs, Husbands

This topic came to me a few weeks ago when I saw our delightful TinaO posting on Facebook about her ‘boyfriend’ who is actually her devoted husband:

Tara Screenshot husbands vs. boyfriends

It got me thinking.

What is our default when it comes to relationship?

There is definitely a different tone to a relationship once it gets more serious; less dressing up for one another, more staying in to crash on the sofa with Netflix, and more sharing of…bodily functions.

I think we seek comfort and familiarity and happily fall into easy patterns once we’ve committed to being with someone. In addition, the intoxicating New Relationship Energy that flooded early interactions, causing a euphoria that replaced eating and sleeping, eventually fades so that we can get on with building a life together.

That is all well and good, but I would assert that we get to choose how we are in our relationships, regardless of how long you’ve been in them and being conscious about your behaviour is the key.

If you’ve been a wife or a husband so long that you don’t remember dating, try this on:  behave in a way that feels like you are back in the land of wooing your mate; dress up for your time together, make some plans, hold the door open, make your signature recipe, give a back rub…you get to decide. I invite you to be conscious and notice how you were and also how you are.

As always, don’t be shy, let me know how it goes and what you discover over in Tara’s Play Space on Facebook.

Tara Cafelle Where

Get Real, Sexy Real

Tara

 

 


Tara Caffelle is a Relationship and Communication coach.  She is passionate about creating connected, almost-uncomfortable-to-watch relationships that are based in Sexy Communication and Big Lives worth rolling around in.

Tara is based in the Lower Mainland of Vancouver and offers custom-designed coaching programs. To claim your free 90+ minutes and see what might be possible for your own super coupledom (or persondom), find a time here.

Have a question for Tara?  Have an idea for a Hump Day conversation?   How about just some thoughts about this thing called life? Let us know here.  We’ll answer back.  We promise.