I met Angela at Vancouver’s powHERtalk in the spring of 2016. This languid, seemingly contained, and sensual blend of both masculine and feminine energy took the stage. In another lifetime I suspect Angela would’ve been a dancer because her body, even in stillness can have a conversation with an audience. She has a compelling resonance and after spending an hour with her on the phone yesterday, now I know why. She is richly connected to her life force energy which she accesses through a daily practice of personal pleasure. Angela masturbates once a day, sometimes twice if she can.
That’s it, I’m hooked, I think.
She says to me as we start our conversation:
“The only thing women want to talk about with me is sex. Seriously, it’s ALL they want to talk about.”
That might seem logical to you when you consider that Angela is a Sexuality Writer, Speaker and Educator, however let’s be real, if she was an accountant I highly doubt she’d be a magnet for conversations about numbers.
“Women really, really want to talk about sex.”
And I believe her, because I did and I do, just not around men.
I am a child of the 70s which means I am a teen of the 80s which means my sexual identity arrived during a decade of multiple divorces, an economic crisis and then boom, followed by all the naming, blaming and flaming of AIDS, within the constant threat of nuclear war. The 80s were a decade of toxic reactions to terrifying problems. I was nine years old in 1979 when my dad remarried after my mom died and our family of five inherited six new brothers. Sadly they brought a tonne of broken baggage to our brood and together we became a badly injured family of eleven siblings of which eight were boys and three were girls. I was the youngest of them all. My older sisters had long since moved out and the boys ruled the roost. There were eight of them between 10 and 30yrs old. Four of my older brothers lived at home with the other four coming and going as needed. We were a very unhappy, grieving and desperate family, but that is a whole other conversation for another day. A safe, nurturing, soulful passage into womanhood was not in the cards for me, nor had it been for the generations of women who came before me.
You can understand why I’m not comfortable talking about sex in front of guys. As the only girl at home, I became a target for sometimes innocent yet stupidly clumsy and damaging sexual conversations, and the bulls-eye for some not so innocent advances. A lot of the men in my house were fumbling in the dark with their own aggression, grief and testosterone. Add booze to the mix and there isn’t a space big enough for that kind of expression to land. I was rather spirited and would fight back so one could say that ‘I asked for the attention’- not so, but such is this life so far. The mouthier I got, the more teasing and prodding I received. The word ‘slut’ in my house was not uncommon. I was terrified of becoming one. Yes, my sexual imprint which sprouted in the global turmoil of the 80s didn’t have a chance when coupled with the battles at home.
I chose to never, ever be a target. To never let my guard down and certainly not to trust a boy-man. I still don’t talk about sex where I may become the focus of a man’s desire, in fact I usually avoid being the center of any kind of male advancement at all. I can drink beer, swear and be a mouthy little sister, but never the alluring and receptive lover.
“We still live in a patriarchal culture and mindset when it comes to sex. As women, we’re raised to think that sex is for having babies and for pleasing men. I love the show Sex in the City. I love Samantha. She’s a fully sexual woman, but when the closing scene has her with her arms in the air groaning ah ah ah ah ah as a man pounds the shit out of her from behind, I think how many women really find that pleasureable?”
It made me think about my own sexual experiences and the confusing layers of arousal mixed with obligation, dashed with guilt and somehow still intertwined with moments of scintillating pleasure. After giving birth to three children, let’s be honest, most of the time unless I’m ovulating sex just feels like too much of a bother – I mean really, all these mixed feelings, expectations and pressure for a few damn minutes of orgasm? Really? Ugggghhh I’d rather go drink a glass of wine than deal with all of that noise. And that’s why Angela is in the business she’s in.
Many women are giving up their sexual power and missing out on personal pleasure because sex has never been theirs, it’s been in service of someone else, or for something. I can hear fellow women in my head saying things like ‘you know it only takes twenty minutes. How hard is that to do?’.
Once upon a time she and I shared a similar experience. Here is an excerpt from her website’s about page:
“When I began my transition into mid life, the emotions, thoughts, and experiences I was having really took me by storm. From the outside looking in my life looked great. I was in a supportive, loving marriage, had two amazing children, and had a lovely home. However, on the inside there was a huge gap, a dark void, something was seriously missing.
I didn’t feel like I had a purpose, I didn’t know who I was, I didn’t feel good enough as a mother, a partner, or as a woman. I was unhappy with my post baby body, I moved in and out of depression, I had no sexual desire, and I was very aware of the generational patterning I was giving, teaching, and passing on to our children. The guilt I felt for having all of these feelings and emotions was immense. In my mind, what I had, should have been enough, however, it wasn’t, and it was effecting my relationships, my health, and it was keeping me from experiencing a life of true joy, unbridled passion, and authentic expression.
Seeking a more body centered practice, and inspired by my love of dance and movement, I came to discover that our sensual aliveness is not separate from our spiritual journey, or our career success, it is in fact the secret ingredient to creating an abundant, joyful, vibrant life. It is when I took the voyage into the sweet center of my womb that great shifts occurred, clarity became accessible, and my confidence levels soared.
I studied and trained and am certified in The Art of Feminine Presence, Vividly Women Embodiment Coaching, Continuum Movement, The TaoTantric Arts, and Desire Mapping and the essence of my powerful, feminine being now radiates out into all aspects of my succulent life.”
I asked Angela a lot of questions about this seemingly sleeping or snoozing ‘divine feminine’ and how we can gently wake her up. Angela’s go to answer is always to the body. She told me that masturbation expands a woman’s capability for receiving pleasure. Pre-children she will experience spontaneous arousal where the impulse to express herself sexually just happens. After children, all of that seems to change. Angela personally decided to take matters into her own hands, literally.
“I started with masturbation, just once every three days and I began to notice a change in my energy. By the end of three days I could feel my energy dip so I would self-pleasure again, and then I shifted to every two days, and now it’s every day, sometimes twice. I don’t miss a day and now I’m working on building a container to hold the energy that my body creates through orgasm so if I miss a day, I have a reserve to draw from. It’s kind of like having a bank account but there’s only so much you can take out before you need to put some back in.”
It made me think about what women look like when they’re in the courtship phase, when sex is abundant and intimacy is readily exchanged. You really can see it. It happens again when we’re pregnant and while I recognize that the body is creating oxytocin, there’s no mistaking that there’s something much bigger going on there and according to Angela, that’s about the sacred place of the womb.
“Think about our sexual energy as if it’s the sun in our solar system. It is where our life-force energy comes from. Without sex we wouldn’t have life, without life, we wouldn’t have a body for our soul to inhabit. If we are not tending and nurturing our physical fire to burn passionately hot, then our sunlight dims and our fire turns to smoldering embers and then only to smoke.”
I thought about a time when I was pre-cancer and my husband and I were having that age old marital chat about how much, when, where and how often. Hats off to my man, because he can hold a whole lotta feminine outrage. He knows whom he married and while I can be a pretty feisty and expressive lover, I can also turtle up for weeks at a time and resent every advance made in my direction. This particular night I was in the thick of it. I don’t even remember how I was triggered but I was mad. Actually, what I was feeling was stifled and jammed up and totally pissed off at everything and everyone. I was like Jack Nicholson in The Shining when he’s sitting at the typewriter slowly going mad.
I said, “this is my sex, my sexuality, mine. It doesn’t belong to you. It doesn’t belong to anyone but I’ve never had it. Never. I’m so fucking mad I could spit, and not at you. I’m not mad at you (my husband), I’m just so god damn mad that I’m 44 years old and every fucking time I’ve had sex I’ve done it for a man. I don’t even know who I am sexually. I know what I like. I know what I don’t like. I orgasm. Oh yay me, so what? It’s fun for the 6 seconds it lasts and I know I’m one of the lucky ones. I have orgasms. I have multiple orgasms but I don’t give a flying fuck because I, as in me, I never have them, I have them for you.” – I told you I was mad. I also told you what a champion and pillar of strength my husband is for being able to hold my rage, and I was full of it.
I had never owned my own sexual identity. I had healed all kinds of sexual trauma, had learned how to let my body go so I could feel physical pleasure, I even enjoyed (and do enjoy) sex, but I had never initiated because I wanted to, for my own satisfaction, for my own thrill and for my own personal experience. I had always, only ever done it for a man and not because he (or they, yes I’ve had more than one partner) asked me to, but because that’s how my feminine auto-pilot knew how to respond. That’s all I had ever been programmed to do.
No wonder I was having my own personal Here’s Johnny moment, thankfully without an ax. Again, mucho kudos to my husband. He’s a tall drink of water and I was sipping from his rich bank of love for me.
Angela told me that our sexual life is a matter of health and that it’s about more than just incontinence or peeing when you sneeze, more than kegels and protection from uterine prolapse, it’s about filling our own cup. When we give ourselves physical pleasure, we come home and re-engage with the core energy of who we are.
I was perplexed and totally jazzed by her use of the word ‘core’. As a core-story specialist I totally lit up. In the work that I do, I listen to people’s stories so as to find the common thread that is their Living Story. Then through their living story, I can track back to find the exact expression(s) that encapsulates their Core Story or their soulful invitation to really live. So I feel my excitement building and I blurt out to Angela “Oh my God Angela… maybe this is CORE ENERGY work that goes with CORE STORY work that connects the expression of who we are to our SOUL!!!!” I would’ve totally married Angela if I had been into women because just like my husband she can hold big expression like no other. She lightly laughed and said:
“could be and when we put conscious intention into our orgasms, we can harness that energy to manifest other things in our life, even our financial life”.
I told you I was hooked right?
She reminded me that women are a sexual force of nature. We bleed, we take another person’s body inside of ours, we give birth and we have multiple orgasms. We are powerful beyond measure.
She has a standing order for all stressed out women – masturbate, it’s that simple, she says.
“your light inside of you may burn as a 10 watt bulb today, but with a personal pleasure practice, you can light up that energy until it’s as bright as the sun. You can nurture yourself to a higher frequency and heal multiple areas of your life, and yes, you can and will enjoy and even crave sex, but it starts by learning how to please yourself first. Until you know that you can create, receive and relish in your own self-pleasure your life-force energy is in the control of somebody else’s hands. The beauty is, it’s been with you all along and you can claim it today.”
Okay I said, but you have to admit, the sleepers and snoozers of the world just ain’t ready for this kinda crazy sex talk… right? Where would a woman begin if she’s curious to embark on the very beginning steps of her own precious sexual journey?
Start by building a relationship with your body first. These are your fertility organs. Your points of pleasure. Your access to the core of who you are. Start there. Your sexuality will never leave you, she simply may need some coaxing to come out and play.
Myself as a newly self-proclaimed snoozer Angela asks me “Do you have a personal pleasure practice?” to which I reply… “uhhh no, I mean, I know how do it… but… ummm…well, I guess no, I don’t”.
So guess who has homework?
Like Angela, I too would like to shine as bright as the sun. I suspect that the heat will be nice too.
Watch Angela’s PowHERtalk here.
Angela Thurston is a sexuality writer, speaker and educator. She has a personal sexuality coaching practice for women and runs workshops to help reconnect women to their innate feminine life-force energy. You can reach her and purchase her book Erotic by Nature online at angelathurston.com.
TinaO is a Core Story Specialist, a writer, speaker and the founder of TinaOLife – a hub for all things worth living for, and the workshop Live Your Best Story. She’s also a professional network marketer with a decade in the industry and she teaches: selling isn’t slimey and marketing isn’t make-believe. You can be yourself and be successful in Direct Sales.