tinaoverbury, Author at TinaOLife

Apples, for Milton

May 5, 2016

APPLES (for Milton M.)

It was snowing in Vancouver the day you died. I was repainting my apartment, covering Mediterranean blue walls with layers of eggshell white paint. I was determined to work through the day and into the night until the job was done. I’d stopped to make lunch when the phone rang. It was Earl.

You need to go see Milton, Rodney. Ruby says he’s only got another day. Maybe two.

I thanked him and ended the call. I hurriedly showered scrubbing paint from my skin and hair. I ironed my clothes and quickly dressed. At the door I looked back into the apartment. The furniture and carpet were covered by white sheets, as if the falling snow had fallen inside the walls as well. The blue paint dark beneath the first coat of white was flowing water under ice too thin to walk on. I took the residential streets to the hospital. The black branches of the giant, leafless oaks arched above me like the charred roof of a burnout cathedral. I listened to the silence of the snowed-in streets as I walked to find some calm. The hallway to your room was wide, the bleached white floor shined like the full moon’s gaunt face on a winter’s night. The smell of human waste rose from canvas hampers filled with soiled bedding and gowns. Empty wheelchairs sagged askew by walls. I passed quiet rooms, the patients hidden in their beds behind beige curtains. I entered your room and sat by your bed to watch you sleep. It was as if someone had left a shrunken mask of the face I knew lying on the pillow. I held your hand. It was cold as the snow falling on the city. A nurse came into the room pushing a cart. She pulled a narrow table across your bed where she placed a tray and cutlery.

Would you like to feed him?

Sure. I replied

Milton! said the nurse loudly. Wake up. It’s time for lunch.

You stared at the nurse. Ruby? you asked.

She’s coming later Milton. You have a visitor. The nurse pointed to me.

Where’s Ruby? you asked me.

She’s coming later Milton.

Who are you?

I’m Rodney.

Rodney’s going to help you eat your lunch.

He likes the applesauce. said the nurse as she took the cart and pushed it from the room.

You tried to lift your head from the bed, but fell back on the pillow. Your hands grasped the railings, but still you were too weak to lift yourself. You kept saying

No, I won’t! No, no, I won’t!

I leaned my face in front of yours. Milton! Hi!
Your eyes found me and you grinned. Milt, It’s Rodney.

Hey Rod.
Are you hungry? Can I give you some food?
Okay. you replied watching me.

I picked up a spoon and dipped it in the applesauce and moved it to your mouth. You closed your dry lips around it and swallowed. Those apples are good! Your eyes shined like polished fruit as the boy took your voice.

I fed you several times and after each you asked for more until you shut your eyes. I stayed another hour, holding your hand as you slept. When I first got sober you’d drop me off at the small room I called home, saying before I left your car

You’re alright babe. You just don’t know it yet.

Rodney DeCroo is a songwriter, poet and playwright. He has released 6 full-length albums, an album of poetry set to music (Allegheny), a book of poetry (Allegheny, BC) and a theatre production (Stupid Boy in an Ugly Town) that received critical acclaim at several Canadian fringe and writers festivals. DeCroo wrestles with regret, loss, aging, love, memory, death, art—always with his own ongoing recovery embedded in the background. DeCroo’s album and performances draw upon his greatest natural resource—his poetry.

Want to buy his music? Find him here on itunes. Want to catch him in concert? Check out his calendar here.

The Magic of Slowing Down

May 5, 2016

About a year ago, I was heading into what I would call kick-in-the-ass time when it came to my business. After some hiccups and personal issues, I was ready to take it on in a new way and realize some serious success.

And so I did what I always do: made some lists, set up some meetings, strategized like a nut (complete with giant flip charts on the walls) and got my Poop in a Group, so to speak. I also asked for recommendations of business coaches and started the process of interviewing them and looking for a good fit.

The first one I spoke with was a skilled pit bull. She gave me a pile of homework on our initial call – by doing it all I was meant to both prove myself as a client and decide if I really wanted to work with her. I flew into a familiar flurry of homework and producing and all that.

In that time, I also had a call with another coach (the one I ended up hiring) and it was Magical. I think we both fell in coach love in the first five minutes of the call, and as I learned to embrace a slower, softer, tenderer way of being in my business, I was hooked and I am still working with her now.

My biggest learning from my coach was to slow down before gearing up. To stop and allow silence to show me what was next. As a result, I took loads of time off, and stopped working so hard. I took silent retreats where I wrote and napped and gazed out the window at pretty mountains. And huge ideas came. Insights came. Every possible thing came.

My business has grown exponentially; in the first few months of this year, I have already surpassed ALL that I did last year in the whole year.

In this process, I committed to listening to my intuition, and to treating myself, my clients and my business as tenderly and compassionately as I could. I focused on holding all of the balls I juggle loosely and with love. I slowed down. My mantra became “What got me here won’t get me there.” All of the ways of being had only gotten me so far, and I was being called to operate in a whole new way in order to move ahead. I started to sweetly surrender to all that would come my way without me having to work my ass off to get it.

“What got me here won’t get me there.”

Why am I telling you all this? I hope you know by now that I relate nearly everything to relationships. This slowing-down-to-go-further approach actually applies to everything.

When we don’t slow it down, we deplete. Our cup runs out. If we don’t put the proverbial oxygen mask on ourselves first, we have nothing to give anyone else.

Slowing down allows life to catch up. It gives us space to more easily suck the marrow out of all that we do and care about.

And I know that it sounds counter-productive, to stop and rest in order to get ahead. I will point to the marathon runners who rest even for a minute periodically as they run, and find they get a better time at the end of the race. And I will point out that when you are on the highway and want to pass a giant, slow-moving vehicle, you must gear down (becoming more powerful) before you can clear what’s in your way.

In relationships, this shows up as “busy”: over-scheduled kids, and stressed adults who go from thing to thing to thing without stopping. In the doing of it all, we forget the being of it. We lose sight of how incredible the flawed and beautiful person is that we wake up with each day and have chosen to spend our life with. We forget what’s really important: our connections and relationships.

Slowing down and holding our partners, children and our own well-being with exquisite care, compassion and gentleness allows our relationships to flourish. We get to bask in the affection of our mate, fill our energy banks up, connect with our why, and carry on renewed and inspired.

Please try it. Because what got you here might not get you there. Because maybe there’s some sweetness in slowing down, and maybe you’ll see a new way of being together that you like. Cancel some plans and declare a “family day” of movies and ice cream and pyjamas.

Or, if you really want to slow down and truly reconnect with your partner, try this: sign up for my Relationship Rendezvous – a weekend intimacy challenge that may involve some nakkidness. It’s my mission to slow this world down and make it just a little more delicious as we do.

Get Real, Sexy Real

Tara

Tara Caffelle is a Relationship and Communication coach. She is passionate about creating connected, almost-uncomfortable-to-watch relationships that are based in Sexy Communication and Big Lives worth rolling around in.

Tara is based in the Lower Mainland of Vancouver and offers custom-designed coaching programs. To claim your free 90+ minutes and see what might be possible for your own super coupledom (or persondom), find a time here.

Have a question for Tara? Have an idea for a Hump Day conversation? How about just some thoughts about this thing called life? Let us know here. We’ll answer back. We promise.

Dear Soul Dude – What is my Life’s Purpose?

April 25, 2016

Yesterday I announced that Soul Interpreter, Chris Dierkes will be sharing a regular post here on TinaOLife. If you missed it, here is what I’m so thrilled about.

Today we launch Chris’ column “Dear Soul Dude” and he’s chosen to nail a biggie: the soul and your life’s purpose. Oh boy. How many sleepless nights have you had rolling that question around over and over and over and over and over…? It makes my stomach flip just thinking about it. A few years ago I would wake up between 3am and 4am almost every night just twitching with this question. I would sedate myself with netflix in order to go back to sleep, usually by 6am, just when my ‘duties’ as mom was starting.

I love that we’re opening up Chris’ column with this delicious topic. Have a read. What are your thoughts? What are your questions? We’ll be sure to respond just as quickly as time allows. Ready? Let’s dive in!

I want you to help me find my purpose.

I want to discover my purpose in life.

When I talk to individuals considering entering into a soul work process this is the most common complaint and desire they bring with them.

I empathize with the sincere desire that underlies the statement. I think framing the the issue as finding or discovering one’s purpose is causing people huge amounts of unnecessary suffering and pain.

I believe wanting to discover your purpose in life is really problematic. But please hear what I am and am not saying in that statement. Undoubtedly the desire to express your soul is genuine. Conceiving of and framing that desire as finding or discovering your purpose is very bad.

Why? Seems sorta nuts to oppose people finding their purpose in life no? It might be a foolhardy quest but I’m going to try to persuade you that trying to find your purpose is an unhelpful approach to life. In order to get there however we first need a little background on the nature of the soul and its desires. Once we do that I hope you’ll understand why I’m arguing against looking to discover or find your purpose in life.

Be Careful (How You Frame) What You Wish For

The soul works through irresistible impulse, deep desire, and profound pull. The soul is a kind of generative germinator, a locus of longing. The soul is tidal; it’s energies build and gather intensity like the ocean’s waves. The passions of a soul incite it to movement and motivate it to action. The soul’s surge is an impulsion; it is kinetic, charged, dynamic.

Impulsion, drive, longing, these are the urges and surges of the soul.

Now the next step is to learn the fine art of creatively and judiciously beginning to ride those tidal impulses of the soul, to put those soul impulsions into concrete language. This path involves giving voice to these deep urges of the soul by letting them coalesce into intentions.

Intentions act as frames, as containers for these deeper-than-words groanings of the soul. Intentions give shape, consistency, and meaning to the soul’s sighs.

Intentions then are crucially important. There is a sweet spot where an intention has enough concreteness to give tangible shape and profile to a soul longing and yet is not so dense that it flattens the soul’s desire. This process of moulding a soul’s instincts into a life-giving intention is an art not a science. In other words, not all intentions are created equal. Some intentions, some containers are more congruent to the subtlety and power of a soul desire. Some less so.

The soul is more like an inclination. Soul longings incline in certain directions. They incline away from other directions. But these inclinations, these urges are not yet to be so narrowly defined as to efface the multiple ways that these longings can be practically realized and expressed.

The soul is more like an inclination.

As it comes to this particular topic of life path, the deep longing, the primordial urging of a soul, is to express its true nature, to irradiate the world with its singular light. This is universally the case for all souls.

That impulse is deeply felt by people. It’s a beautiful one. It’s very real.

Here then comes the mistake (in my view). That beautiful impulse of a soul is then interpreted and framed as needing to “find my purpose in life.” In naming the deep soul longing as such the person has inadvertently already begun to lose touch with the deeper impulse. They accurately sensed it but they have unfortunately mislabeled it and badly framed it.

The impulse is valid. The framework of interpretation is not. The latter distorts the former. What is needed then is the felt sense of the underlying tidal surging of the soul AND a more adequate frame to understand it, to seek to concretely surf it.

Finding Means Something Is Lost

If you begin with the proposition that you want to find your purpose you are describing your purpose as lost. When people say to me “they are looking for their purpose in life”, I’ll point my eyes up to the ceiling or look out the window or under the chair I’m sitting on. Looking for your purpose? Where? Where would a soul’s purpose happen to be?

I hear people describe finding their soul’s purpose or locating it like it was a buried pirate treasure. Unfortunately far too many practitioners (in my experience) play into this problematic dynamic. They sell themselves as helping someone “locate” their lost purpose as if it were indeed some kind of buried treasure. Practitioners will even claim they have some special map to their client’s purpose, complete with an X to mark the spot of the (other) soul’s inherent desires. Once someone becomes the expert on locating your lost soul purpose, they can immediately sell you this fanciful dream (or is it a nightmare?).

Looking for your purpose? Where? Where would a soul’s purpose happen to be?

The central error here is that the purpose of a soul is intrinsic to the soul itself.

The purpose is not somewhere else. Consequently you do not need to go on a journey to locate your supposedly lost soul purpose. You need not look outside yourself. There’s no reason for you to adopt some formulaic three, four, five, or ten step formula to activating your soul’s growth, potential, and purpose.

There’s the old saying of “if it ain’t broke don’t fix it.” In this case it would be “if it ain’t lost don’t find it.”

Your soul’s purpose is not lost. It’s inherent to the soul of you, to the soul of anything or anyone. The philosopher Aristotle described the soul as the animating principle, the essential mover of a being. In other words, that deep generative longing. That is inherent to you as an incarnate soul.

So there is no need to bring in some outside set of actions in order to “locate” your soul’s purpose. All that needs to happen is to let your soul out. What people call their purpose is really just the unfolding of their soul.

Consequently there’s no reason to abdicate your soul’s sovereignty to someone else, to some expert (self-proclaimed, valid or otherwise). All that is needed is learning to attend to the generative impulses of your soul that are always already motivating you from the depths. And then from there learning how to let them move, form, and solidify into life-giving, creative, loving action.

If you say you are looking to find your soul purpose then you will seek outwardly in vain. You will seek elsewhere than directly where you need to, namely the core animating tides of your soul. I use words like tides, urges, impulsions to describe this mysterious quality of soul because they speak to the subtle nature of the soul, to the soul’s fluidity.

Looking for your soul’s purpose is disempowering. It’s meant to be empowering but sadly it’s the exact opposite.

That’s the main reason I believe looking for your purpose is well-intentioned but nevertheless flawed. There are a few other major reasons as well, which I want to mention just briefly.

Such as, the soul is not bound by a or any purpose.

The soul doesn’t have a purpose. The soul is purposeful.

The key is to express the nature of your soul as it is. That is intrinsically meaningful, purposeful, and creative. It is so much simpler and more heartfelt than “finding your soul’s purpose.”

Peace, Chris

Chris is a long time spiritual practitioner and teacher. Raised in the Roman Catholic tradition, he has had a lifelong love affair with the Christian mystical tradition, however he is also well versed in a diverse range of lineages and teachings. He’s a strong advocate for shamanic forms of healing work and consciousness, as well as being a Reiki Master in three lineages of Reiki.

He works with with clients from a variety of backgrounds: from different religious traditions, spiritual but not religious folks, agnostics, seekers, and atheists.

He spent four years living as a monk in his twenties and later worked for three years as an Anglican priest in Vancouver.

He is a soul interpreter and an energy healer.

Chris lives in Vancouver with his beloved wife Chloe (a doula) and their daughter Sage.

Have a question for Chris? Want to check out his blog? Want to find out more? Check out his website and be sure to leave him a message below okay?

Announcing – Dear Soul Dude with Soul Interpreter, Chris Dierkes

April 24, 2016

Sooooooo this is a beginning I’m a little nutty about. Why? Because if it ain’t for my ‘soul dude’ – a lot of things wouldn’t have began for me last year while so many pillars of my life were crumbling into ruin.

You’ve heard me talk about him. You’ve watched me shout out about him, and now I’m really, like really thrilled that I can share him with you too.

The truth is he has more humility than I do. He doesn’t need a website named after him, nor a desire to have his face or voice plastered all over everything (ahem, like I do), and yet, here we are. I’m going to do my absolute best to keep his roster full of clients and his website pinging with subscribers because he’s just that good. Damn good. So damn good.

And he cares.

I’m not a fan of the ‘woo-woo’ movement, nor the ‘selling of spirituality’ craze that seems to be taking off as an answer to the soul-less world we’re building and weirdly celebrating (Oh Trump… Don’t even get me started), and so announcing to all of you that TinaOLife is bringing in a Soul-Interpreter to add to the life giving hub that we are might look like I’ve just filled our life-school hallways with Coke machines as a thirst quencher…

But I’m not.

He’s the real deal. I’d say he’s ego-less but that would make him non-human. I’d say he’s got his shit together, but that would mean he’s complete, finis, and that ain’t true either. Come on now, he’s a dad to a pre-schooler, how together can he be?
I am saying that he’s a guy who speaks the language of the soul. He has a rich spiritual and religious background (is this a good place to let you know about his 4 years as a monk?). He’s versed and practiced in multiple healing practices and he’s damn funny too. Okay, a bit dry, maybe a lot dry and beautifully articulate.

Please join me in welcoming Chris Dierkes, my ‘soul guy’, TinaOLife’s ‘soul dude‘, and now yours too. Tomorrow we’ll share his first article.

I kinda want to break into the Blues Brother’s Soul Man, but I bet he gets that all the time.

Tune in tomorrow…

Ps… Just gotta shout out to TinaO’s Tara Caffelle for putting the two of us together.

XxT

TinaO is a writer, speaker and the founder of TinaOLife – a hub for all things worth living for, the workshop Live Your Best Story, and her coaching practice: Tall Poppy Living. She’s also a professional network marketer with a decade in the industry and with her Tall Poppy Living for Network Marketers Coaching Program, she teaches: selling isn’t slimey and marketing isn’t make-believe. You can be yourself and be successful in Direct Sales.

Living My Best Story

April 19, 2016

What do you do? People ask me this all the time and the truth is, I don’t have a freakin’ clue how to give people the answer they actually, truly want, but aren’t asking for.

Well, that’s not true, I can do it, but it would likely piss you off.

People want me to answer What do you do? with something like this:

I’m a writer.
I’m a salesperson.
I’m a seminar leader.
I’m a speaker.
I’m a professional network marketer.
I’m a consultant.
I’m a social media maven.
I’m a mom, a wife, a baker, a tri-athlete (in training), a cancer survivor, a friend, a mentor…

People (maybe even you) don’t really want to know what I do, you want to know who and what I am right? But that’s far too complex of a question to ask, and it’s certainly too much to answer over a quick chat in a bank line-up isn’t it? (Wait a minute, does anyone even go to the bank anymore?).

If I told you what I do by prattling off a long list of my activities you’d be like: “lady, I’m just making small talk, I don’t need your whole story”.

And that’s the issue for me. I am a story. You are a story. Every second of our day is another word, phrase, and paragraph of our living story.

So, when you ask me what I do, if I’m feeling empowered enough to hold your quizzical, yet kinda blank stare as you try to piece together the words that are falling out of my mouth into something that makes sense to you, this is what I would say:

You: So… What do you do?

Me: Thank you for asking, well… I Live My Best Story, and I inspire others to do the same.

You: Blank stare.

Four years ago I was not living my best story. At that time, I thought ‘story’ was something that happened ‘to me’ not through me. I thought that all of my broken promises, unrealized dreams, and misfortunes had happened to me, (me being the central character, yet object not subject of my story). I had been watching my life happen and since it had a bunch of successes in it like:

I’d completed writing multiple plays,
produced and directed a few quirky short films,
ran a successful small PR firm,
had been self-employed for most of my life… and paid the rent!
got married,
gave birth to three healthy boys,
had ample friends and was part of an active community,
***plus I had made it to the top of a network marketing business and even earned the company car.

Yup. I had ditched my childhood years of ‘never enough’ for a brand new white Mercedes Benz, and I had moved in to abundance town.

But it wasn’t my story, even though it was a good one.

I know. I know. We live in North America and it’s a LUXURY to build a life we love.

I know. I know. Millions of people all over the world are simply surviving each day. They don’t have a choice.

I know. I know. I should feel damn lucky and grateful for what I do have.

I know… I had been lamenting my first world problems. Poor little rich girl…

Still, it wasn’t my story, and if it wasn’t my story, it certainly couldn’t be my BEST STORY either.

I’ve always been blessed by having brilliant people around me, and my decades in the arts had taught me how to tell the truth, shake and quake while I did it, still, trust it somehow. So I asked my near and dear… What do I do now? Their answer came back loud and clear:

Launch your F**’k’n workshop Tina.

Gong… the bell in my own tower rung. Quiver quiver shake shake.

And that was the beginning for me. My best story chose me and not the other way around. You’ve heard me say this before: To whom much is given, much is expected, and if I’m going to live my best story, then bloody hell, you are too (if I have anything to do with it).

SO HERE ARE MY QUESTIONS FOR YOU:

Is your past in the way of your present?
Have you hit the wall of your own beliefs?
Are you saddled by uncertainty?
Are you always in the ‘almost’ position instead of ‘arrived’?
Are you living someone else’s story instead of your own?
Is your story brighter than you’re willing to step in to?

If so, you might be where I was four years ago and you might want to come and Live Your Best Story with me for a weekend.

Our upcoming retreat (12 spots only) is May 27th – 29th. Click here to register (at the friends of rate!), or send me an email and we can chat about what’s really going on with you and see if a weekend away might just be the answer to your restlessness.

LYBS sign — Live Your Best Story with facilitators: Tina Overbury, Nicolle Nattrass, Dr. Carolyn Nesbitt and Cindy Schreyer

What do I do? I live my best story and I inspire and support others to do the same.

xxT

Send me an email at tina@liveyourbeststory.com

TinaO is a writer, speaker and the founder of TinaOLife – a hub for all things worth living for, the workshop Live Your Best Story, and her coaching practice: Tall Poppy Living. She’s also a professional network marketer with a decade in the industry and with her Tall Poppy Living for Network Marketers Coaching Program, she teaches: selling isn’t slimey and marketing isn’t make-believe. You can be yourself and be successful in Direct Sales.

Dear Tina #3, Teach Others to Listen

April 14, 2016

Yesterday I decided to stop pretending.

Yesterday I decided to ‘come out’ – can I even use that term if I’m not gay? Can ‘coming out’ apply to being ‘seen’?

Yesterday I quaked a little bit, you know the human part that worries that people will think you’re weird and you’ll end up alone, wandering back alleys with nothing but stray cats following you, their bent tails resembling the off-ness of you, eating samosas out of a bag, muttering poetry with every step, and wearing nostalgic too old sneakers and smelling like patchouli…? That part. I quaked about the possibility of all of that happening, and then I decided to risk it. But then, I kinda like the smell of patchouli.

Yesterday I didn’t stop until the message stopped me.
Yesterday I decided I’m going to be seen.
Yesterday I said I am. I do. I share.
Welcome to my page: Work with TinaO

Here it is:

I’m committed to helping you to LIVE.

That’s a pretty broad statement isn’t it? Yes, I think so too. Yet that’s what I’m here for, and that unique message was delivered straight to me via me through my very own Dear Tina journal…

My Dear Tina personal practice began on March 13th 2014, and through these very pages, my own calling to help others truly live is what showed up. And who am I to argue with myself? Because that would be kinda silly don’t you think?

What am I talking about?

Life.

Living.

You know, this ride we’re on for however long we’re invited to be here (which none of us knows how long that will be even though we talk a big talk and stay up at night thinking about or avoiding it).

It’s this thing called LIFE, and it’s super distracting (oh the schedules, appointments, paperwork, pings, dings, deadlines), often ridiculous (the fights, flights, climbs, and confrontations), kind of depressing (broken dreams, resentments, shattered hearts, deaths and disappointments), is also wildly thrilling (think: love, laughter, accolades and ambition), is fantastically possible (with our bucket lists, breakthroughs and aha moments), and is ultimately, an intoxicating ride (hate it, love it, forget about it, and want it…) called LIFE.

My work is to help you LIVE FULLY without having to:

FIGURE IT OUT or
ESCAPE from what you don’t understand.
Live only in the ‘meditative or spirit world’
or be an EXPERT.
or be a LEADER.
or become ORGANIZED.
or know how to PRIORITIZE.
and for freak sakes… to once and for all FINALLY GIVE UP the painful practice of NEEDING TO BE ON TOP OF IT ALL.

Gawwwwd aren’t you exhausted of being on top of it all???

I sure was. It gave me cancer. And that’s how I came to be here with you.

Dear Tina…

…teach others to listen, what to listen to, how to navigate the voices. Dec. 26th 2014

…You will create a process for people to follow that encourages self listening. December 26th 2014

…Show others the way through the mess of busyness. It is not necessary. Lead Tina. Lead. August 2015

…Disease is transformation Tina, and you have transformed. Do not shrink back. August 29th 2015

…You have been asked to help others connect to the whole self. You’ve been asked to help people reacquaint themselves. December 1st 2015

So there it is.

And that is how I will work with you. You will learn how to listen to your innate wisdom and together we’ll build a way of LIVING that is truly yours.

I call it Your Living Story, or #liveyourall

I showed it to my husband because he has the best ‘total-bull-shit-sniff-test’ out there.

and I passed his ‘sniff’.

I’ll never forget the day I shook in my boots across our kitchen island, over the toast and butter and apples and and and… clutching my Sunday morning coffee, crazy weekend hair flying and sheepishly looked up and said to him: “I think I want to write a book, speak, and run workshops and stuff. I can’t stand the expert industry, but I think I might be one. I don’t want to lose you. Will you still like me?”

He said: Tina, that train, your train has already left the station, you just haven’t decided to get on yet. I know you. This is who you are. It’s who you’ve always been.

That was almost four years ago now.

Welcome to TinaOLife,

to Dear Tina,
to Tall Poppy Living,
to Tall Poppy Living for Network Marketers and
to Live Your Best Story.

These are my offerings.

xxT

p.s. if you are a cancer survivor or have loved ones you’d like to honour, check out my #100love campaign. I swim, bike and run for them.

TinaO is a writer, speaker and the founder of TinaOLife – a hub for all things worth living for, the workshop Live Your Best Story, and her coaching practice: Tall Poppy Living. She’s also a professional network marketer with a decade in the industry and with her Tall Poppy Living for Network Marketers Coaching Program, she teaches: selling isn’t slimey and marketing isn’t make-believe. You can be yourself and be successful in Direct Sales.

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What’s Taboo to You?

April 13, 2016

What’s Taboo to You?

In my family, it seems like some things are too tragic to even talk about. A few months after my dear friend and ex-husband passed away last year, I had lunch with my aunt and uncle. At the end of the meal, during which we caught up on family and the weather and all those usual things, my aunt quietly reached across the table, lightly touched my hand, and with a nod, half-whispered “You’re doing all right, with….everything?”

I assured her that I was, because, let’s the be honest, the door hadn’t exactly been swung open to speak openly about my grief and the hell I found myself in. It felt easier to give her the answer she wanted to hear.

I remember a TV show in which the character’s mother would always whisper the word cancer, as if it was just too awful to say out loud.

But here’s the thing: not giving voice to things that are unpleasant to talk about does not make them go away.

If we choose to keep things to ourselves, we rob our loved ones of intimate moments with us from which we could all grow.

I, for one, would rather speak openly about, well, everything. In my sessions with clients (and even during dinner parties), I brazenly ask the questions about sex lives, the quality of relationships, and the taboo things that aren’t being said. It’s my super power.

Yes, some topics are very uncomfortable, and we don’t want to risk looking bad, looking stupid, being shamed, or being told that what we are saying doesn’t matter. When we choke back our words, not only is it toxic to our bodies to keep it bottled up, but it’s also the very opposite of intimate. It doesn’t help us to share our experiences and grow from them.

My clients often find themselves locked in quiet conflict with their partners because they’re afraid to speak up about the things that are troubling them. Instead of initiating a conversation in a safe, open way, they avoid the most important topics…and let them fester.

When we choke back our words, not only is it toxic to our bodies to keep it bottled up, but it’s also the very opposite of intimate.

My solution to this, and your invitation, should you choose to accept it, is to preface these topics with permission or a request for support.

Here are some examples:

● I’m feeling really upset about this and I’m not sure what’s happening for me. Can we talk about this some more?

● I have something I need to tell you and I’m scared that you’re going to be angry with me.

● Can I share an observation about what happened between us last night?

● This is really awkward and I’m not sure what to say.

● Please help me understand what you’re trying to say.

The next time you have something that you are tempted to keep to yourself because you feel triggered, or because you’re fearful of what might happen, try one of these on. You may be pleasantly surprised by the outcome of the conversation.

I will be speaking openly about all sorts of relationship-related things in my Play Space Salon and I would love to have you join me there on the second and fourth Thursdays of each month. To access the live salon, head on over to my Facebook page and tune in at 7pm PDT. You’ll be able to send me your questions and comments as we go. I look so forward to seeing you there!

Get Real, like Sexy Real.

Tara

Have a question for Tara? Have an idea for a Hump Day conversation? How about just some thoughts about this thing called life? Let us know here. We’ll answer back. We promise.

The Radiator

April 8, 2016

The Radiator

The cat mewls loudly,

curled up in the corner

by the purple radiator.

You know, that’s a damn ugly color

to paint a radiator.

I’ve lived in this apartment nine years,

a long time to live with an eyesore.

How many thousands of times

have I glanced at it,

and failed to notice

that it resembles a giant accordion

repeatedly vomited on by a wino?

A wino, who by an involuntary disposition,

or by a conscious act of will,

took to not noticing things

until the things were taken away or lost,

except the wine bottle and the sickness

in the morning and the head

that has lost even the words

that float in pieces in a fog where they

can’t be held down and made to say

more than “I’m sorry.” or “Please.

or sometimes a name that seems

to have something to do with him.

I might be more like this man

than I’d like to admit.

My remaining family members

numbering three and we don’t speak

across the thousands of literal miles.

My youthful ideals as valuable as play money

in the world’s marketplace,

purchasing only chuckles or blatant scorn.

My idiotic proclamations of genius

as idiotic as they sound.

I seem to be disappearing

over these many years,

but only now noticing it,

but the wino is only a scarecrow

something I’ve made up right?

I notice the radiator resembles

the bunched brow of a malicious entity,

some steel radiator god

that glowers behind what we fail to see,

and despises men such as myself

Want to buy his music? Find him here on itunes. Want to catch him in concert? Check out his calendar here.

iRelationships

April 8, 2016

iRelationship?

I don’t know about you, but I have a love/hate relationship with my technology. I happily leave my phone at home when I am out in the woods, for instance, but then wish I had it with me to take photos of beautiful views. I try to make rules for myself about when and where I am allowed to look at it, but it’s still my alarm clock, and although I rarely need an alarm to wake up with these days, I need it to wake me up when I have somewhere to be. I love the convenience, and hate that I’m so dependent.

When I was in Colombia in February, you’ll recall that I didn’t speak a lot of Spanish and was also travelling alone. The only “company” I had was when I could use wifi to chat with the boyfriend, my assistant, my editor, and anyone else who would interact with me.

The whole experience of only being able to type to communicate for the entire time I was away got me thinking:

How have relationships changed with technology?

How well can we possibly communicate with only a tiny keyboard and rampant auto-correct?

This led me to investigate new ways of being with my phone and the relationships in my life (something I have also pondered here).

To start, I went to Tara’s Play Group, (a private Facebook group you’re invited to join!), and asked:

“What are the last three texts that you and your sweetie exchanged?”

What I found was a lot of what I expected: Folks forgot their lunches. Some couldn’t find a place to park. Some were encouraged to shop for things that would bring joy. Many plans were made to consume food. One couple was shopping for dog beds.

There were also proclamations of love with expletives for emphasis. But on the whole, the text messages were hardly love letters.

I considered how relationships looked 10, 20 and 50 years ago. My grandparents didn’t text, they would make plans (and keep them); my grandfather would call on my gramma to see her. My parents relied on notes left on the kitchen counter to communicate when they couldn’t manage to connect in person. I would write notes on loose-leaf paper, fold it carefully into an origami square, and slip it to the high school boy of my dreams as we passed in the hallways.

The reality is, technology is a huge part of our current relationships and it’s here to stay. But I can’t help but wonder if it’s splintering our conversations with our loved ones into a bunch of disconnected updates.

Maybe we need to think about being more intentional with our communication, and consciously notice how it fits into our lives. Just like with the inevitable shifts that come in relationships over time—from the ooh-la-la-in-love stuff to the mundane and settled—our technological exchanges seem to shift, as well. But that doesn’t mean we don’t get a say in it.

The reality is, technology is a huge part of our current relationships.

One action item I am taking on is to really notice my partner and the people with whom I communicate. Instead of the usual equivalent of a non-verbal grunt over text, I am taking time to notice and see. I am telling my Mister that I loved watching him play with the dog this morning and that I really appreciate that he made me coffee before leaving for work. I’m starting to write actual letters to share news, instead of drafting an email or a short text.

What do you think: does technology have a negative impact on your relationships? What will you do to be more present while also using it?

Its time to get real, like sexy real.

Tara

Have a question for Tara? Have an idea for a Hump Day conversation? How about just some thoughts about this thing called life? Let us know here. We’ll answer back. We promise.

Relationship or relationship?

March 31, 2016

let’s stop using so many capitals.

It has come to my attention that we spend a lot of time making things bigger and more important than they need to be and it makes these things scary and renders them somehow untouchable.

We’re all capable of amazing professional and personal accomplishments and rich, nourishing relationships. But sometimes, when we build our goals and priorities up into insurmountably huge obstacles in our minds, we freeze.

Wondering if you do this? I’m willing to venture that you do. Let me give you some examples from my own life and the stories I have been told by clients:

I like to meditate, but in my mind, it sometimes turns into Meditate, with a very capital M. I feel this heavy reverence when I think of it. I feel pressure to Meditate: sit in a perfect lotus position, and not be at all distracted while I meet up with the Dalai Lama in my head each morning before eating a pile of chia seeds and skipping off to a yoga class. And so because this all seems so darn arduous and frankly not fun at all, I skip the whole thing, tell myself I’ll do it tomorrow, and go back to my morning coffee. The next day, it’s lather, rinse, repeat.

A former client brought a proposal to me; she had been asked to write a Book. There were many pros and cons to taking on the project, but a big roadblock was that it was a Book and was thus very important and in need of serious concentration and setting-aside of other priorities. The Book wasn’t fun, but a book (little b) may have been.

I am looking forward to what will likely be an epic hiking trip this summer. When I tell people about the planning and the training, I often hear about how much others would love to Be Outdoorsy, or Go Hiking. You want to know my secret? I think of the West Coast Trail, and really any hike, as just a hike. You know, with a small h.

Small letters keep it all fun.

Are you in a relationship or a Relationship?

In our relationships, how often do we stress out trying to carve out Quality Time with our partner when just sharing space and spending time together would be really, really great? How about getting caught up in Sex, when little-s sex and the comfortable intimacy around it would fill you both up?

We have the tendency to make too many things so damn important, and in the process, we miss incredible joy in the small things that make up life.

Here’s your invitation this week:

Soak up the very presence of your partner. Drop the Date Night and the huge expectation, and just enjoy their sense of humour, their views of the world; laugh together and just be. Let go of the should of it (you should spend time together, you should feel close, it should be easy, etc.) and just delight in their company. When we capitalize anything (Meditate, Book, Sex, Quality Time or anything else), we make it a “should” when it really would be so much more fun as a “get to.”

Try it this week and see what shifts. And don’t be shy about letting it carry over to all the areas of your life: Getting Enough Exercise, Eating Well, Running Your Business, Relaxing With Your Hobbies, Spending Time With Family, and even Creating Memories With Your Children.

Ditch the capitals, and embrace that life can be lowercase and lovely.

get real like sexy real

Tara

Have a question for Tara? Have an idea for a Hump Day conversation? How about just some thoughts about this thing called life? Let us know here. We’ll answer back. We promise.