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Instinx with Elinor Meney

May 21, 2016

I’m a difficult student because I don’t hold back and I can be kinda bitchy. No really, I can. When I choose to step in to the ‘student’ role, I can get kinda selfish. I suppose it’s a bi-product of living most of my life in the inspiration space, feeling compelled to do ‘good’ in the world. When it’s my turn, I take it and often I can have a bit of an edge. It’s complicated, because I devour everything I dive in to. I lip smack each morsel of life-changing learning – because for me, that’s what it is. The stakes are high when I step into a ‘classroom’ of sorts. I don’t want to stuff more learning inside of my already at capacity head. What good is that? How does that live?

I’m not interested in becoming a breathing, eating, walking library for one. No thanks. I learn in order to live. Can you feel my edge?

I’m a crappy student because I grumble the entire time I enthusiastically participate.

What?

I grumble on the inside, often putting on a very happy face on the outside, in order to cushion my impact on everyone else. At the same time I wildly gobble up every single piece of information that I’m being fed. I love to learn. I have an insatiable appetite for puzzle pieces. I don’t want to put them all together into a static formation and complete the puzzle. No. I’m not a fan of polished work, or knowing anything. I like knowledge, yes, but knowing? nuh uh. From what I can see, ‘knowing’ can cultivate division rather than connection. Now wondering… and collecting… and listening… and learning… hmmmmm that’s delicious.

Why hang a completed puzzle on the wall? (Okay, I know people do, and no disrespect… I mean, to each their own… but it ain’t me). I’m not interested in admiring how it all fits, because tomorrow it may not. Life is a river that must move. A moving rivers doesn’t freeze.

I collect pieces, not puzzles. They’re like beach glass to me. I play with them, watching how they capture light in different placements.

Oh boy. No wonder I never went to university. How did learning become so complex? My own push and pull that happens inside of me and the rawness of my learning style exhausts both me, and probably my educators too. This is a new thing for me. I wasn’t always like this. I used to be compliant, a good student, polite and reliably kind. I may have been late a lot, flustered and disorganized, but I put my hand up regularly, set an example, and actively withdrew from my bank of joy to get through each class, workshop, or session. Oh gawd, it doesn’t feel like that today.

My bank of joy for learning is now wearing a disguise. I look less like the ‘baby sun’ from Teletubbies and more like the Anonymous Hacker.

So there I was a few weeks ago, sitting with Elinor Meney of Instinx.com, and I was there to learn. My dear friend and founder of Xenia Retreat Centre, Angelyn Toth had invited me to take part in an Instinx workshop with Elinor, and trusting her invitation, I accepted. With a hot cuppa tea in hand, we began.

So what is Instinx?

In brief… Instinx is a personal development and management coaching technique that delivers permanent improvements to performance, competence and ability.

It’s a coaching technique that removes any persistent ceiling or brake on a person’s performance, and increases their energy and ability to tackle and benefit from the opportunities and adversities of every aspect of their life.

Sounds pretty good right?

Enter: My skeptical Hacker, fueled by my Baby Sun of course.

Here’s what I love…

Much like Byron Katie’s The Work changed the way I see situations/problems/obstacles by giving me four tangible questions to ask in order to drain out the drama to find my own ‘truth’, Instinx offers a step by step ‘ladder’ approach of identification and inquiry in order to climb out of ‘stuck’ patterns without talk therapy, cognitive filing of more information, or hours and hours and hours of inquiry. It’s simple.

Ask a few questions. (There’s a specific series of them).
Answer them truthfully with heart and mind.
Identify the ‘rung’ of the ladder you’re on.
Then identify what each ‘rung’ up will do to change your current dilemma of stuckness.
Then let go because once identified, the ‘shift’ is already on the move.
Trust the shift. Watch the next rung of the ladder arrive.

Simple.

I hate simple.

I love simple.

I don’t trust simple. That’s the truth.

The Hacker couldn’t stop laughing and scratching his chin. And my Baby Sun? Well, she was too busy giggling and cooing to register an opinion at all.

But then it happened.

Shift…

After that one session, I spent two weeks immobilized by who knows what. It was like I was walking through a fog, weepy and discombobulated (FYI… I’m sure this doesn’t happen to everyone). What did I choose to work on that created this melting down of my ambitious daily doing-ness?

Flawless Customer Service.

I know. It’s not deep. Not at all. In fact Elinor, the Instinx Coach, said to me after I read out my area of growth: “in my eighteen years in this work, no one has ever chosen Flawless Customer Service”. I guess it’s not really a ‘stuck’ area of life for most people but it sure has been for me.

So what happened? And what changed after I did the Instinx work?

One of the question we must ask when following the Instinx method is: What is the key area of difficulty? After rambling through a bunch of thoughts, I finally rested on blurting out : “If I need to serve others, what’s left for me?”.

Okay, so sidebar: That was a Baby Sun moment. Hackers don’t think like that. Hackers don’t blurt at all. They are shrewd, calculating, guarded, and deliberate. Thank god I have a Baby Sun alive and well inside of me because it was that spontaneous, trusting and bright eyed baby who spoke the innocent truth I needed to hear that day: “what will be left for me?” – that has been the governing fear underneath my stinky customer service practice (or lack of).

“If I need to serve others, what’s left for me?”

Did we go into my past to identify why I think that? How that thought got there? How many experiences I’ve had that has reinforced that belief? Did I tell my ‘what about me?’ story? Did I grieve? Did I cry? (Okay, so I did weep a little). Did I do any of that deep, wrenching, exhausting stuff? Nope. Not at all.

It did however trigger a fog for two weeks after, but by letting the fog be there, it lifted on it’s own, turning into mist and then blowing itself away.

That’s the SHIFT Elinor was talking about. It unleashed the weather, bringing the fog with it, then invited the wind to come in and release it back to nothingness.

What does that mean in terms of PRACTICE?

So today, is my customer service stellar? Not yet. Have I created a system that I follow regularly and enthusiastically? Not yet either. HOWEVER… Today I am consciously serving my clients from an entirely different source. I used to procrastinate my follow up and follow through because it felt like I HAD to, because people might get MAD at me if I didn’t, because my PAYCHEQUE requires it, and in doing so, I hated that part of my business. Blecccccccchhhhhh I H A T E D I T. I endured a laughing and taunting hacker beside and behind me because he could just watch, laugh and point at me. I was the one suffering, not him. Even my Baby Sun couldn’t help because after all, she’s just a baby… Cute as she is, she can’t even talk.

But after the shift… This crazy thing happened: My Hacker went missing, and The Baby Sun moved on. Okay, so I’m not so naive to think that they’re completely gone, I mean, after all, I created them in the first place. They are the characters that I built to serve my life in practical and beneficial ways like: my sense of humour (hacker), my problem solver (hacker), my faith (baby sun) and my mommadom (baby sun). The thing is, those two characters sure as heck should NOT be running my customer service department.

Can you imagine The Hacker running the customer service desk, while Baby Sun fills the orders in the back? Oh geeeeez louise… sorry folks. That’s:

Okay, so after these most awesome insights and 24 hours of sleep, I decided, being the super-student that I am, to take on another subject.

This one was much riskier:

A Happy and Passionate Marriage, which after working with Elinor became much more specific: “To do the things I have to do to maintain the twinkle in my eye for my husband”.

(yes that’s our eldest son photo-bombing in the back – What a turkey!).

We’re 15 years in to our relationship, so this isn’t a statement about my husband, nor a terrible sob story about our disconnection… although there’s been moments of course (years even). Let’s be real, life is long and there’s lots of water under the bridge over that time. However, without going in to all of that… guess what the thought bubble was that was contributing to my ‘stuckness’?

Yup, you guessed it: “What’s left for me?”

Interesting right?

Then guess what happened after I consciously moved up to the next rung of the ladder?

Here’s my facebook post about it. It happened the very next day and WITHOUT a conscious choice to ‘do’ it. It seriously, just spontaneously happened:

In case you can’t read the tiny writing above, here it is:

Too much information or inspiration? Tara Caffelle… I’ll let you chime in! This morning I dropped my boyfriend off at 6:30am. Let’s see, last night he fixed my car, rubbed my cramped up runner’s leg before bed annnnnnd played frisbee with our six year old before dinner. That’s my boyfriend. My husband doesn’t do stuff like that, or so I’ve often told myself. He says to me this morning as I kiss him a few too many times in our big ole pick up truck ‘what’s gotten into you?’ – What? I can’t watch my boyfriend walk on the boat? 16yrs together means we’ve seen a lot of things, done a lot, hurt a lot, resolved, healed, forgave and celebrated a lot. Love you Mr. Todd. Have a beautiful day. I’ll see you from stage tonight after you walk up the hill off the boat. Xxt

For that next morning, and many mornings later, I became his girlfriend, and he my boyfriend. That’s sparkle my friends, and it’s intoxicating.

So this morning, I pull out my Instinx duotang (I love that word – so student-ish) and I try the ladder thing again.

Today I ask about abundance, about money, about peace and having enough. The deal is, I’ve made money – buckets of it. I’ve had no money – empty buckets of it. I spend what I have, and I obsess about what I don’t have all the while believing that I can create anything.

Oh gawd… it’s like I’m the challenged student in the classroom of cash.

Guess what the underlying message was yet again?

There’s never enough at the end.

Slightly different, but exactly the same theme right? It’s just another version of:

What’s left for me?

Wow. It appears as though starting this Instinx journey around the banal conversation of Customer Service has lead me to the central landing spot of my stuckness: ‘what’s left for me?’ or ‘there’s never enough left for me’.

Beautiful right? Says me, the incessant learner.

So where does that leave me? Today, having experienced the shift twice before, I am quietly, knowingly, lovingly, trustingly watching, allowing and waiting for the surprise of change. I am allowing the SHIFT to happen.

I often say this, and it applies here for sure: You can’t push process, but you can move momentum.

I highly recommend the Instinx work. I for one am adding it to my overflowing toolbox of ‘go to’ instruments that I use regularly to clear the cobwebs, tighten the bolts and open up the floodgates of living full out.

I’m keeping this particular tool on the first shelf – easy to access, and simple to use.

Thanks Elinor. I look forward to many more chats together. I think my obstinate student is a result of this very stuck theme don’t you? Hmmmm…. There’s never enough left for me. No wonder I’ve been a pissy yet ‘good’ student.

Want to work with Elinor? You can reach her here: elinor@instinx.com and she works in both Australia and Canada. How nice is that?

xxT

TinaO is a writer, speaker and the founder of TinaOLife – a hub for all things worth living for, the workshop Live Your Best Story, and her coaching practice: Tall Poppy Living. She’s also a professional network marketer with a decade in the industry and with her Tall Poppy Living for Network Marketers Coaching Program, she teaches: selling isn’t slimey and marketing isn’t make-believe. You can be yourself and be successful in Direct Sales.

My Name is Tara and I’m a Jackass

May 19, 2016

You know what word I have written an alarming number of times in the last year?

JACKASS.

And also Jackassery and Jackassness.

Yes, I like to make up words, but this is a brilliant way to describe a lot of behaviours. I am the one pointing all of this out, but don’t think it’s because I am some magical non- jackass unicorn: I assure you I am not. I am just willing to call it out, and do what I need to correct my course.

There are many places where I see Jackassness:

In my work: when coaches start charging double and triple their rates in some sort of pissing contest to make clients prove they want to invest in the work, it feels like Jackassery to me. I won’t do it. Even eight years into this, I am still quite an affordable coach, and I intuitively charge what the work with any given client feels like it wants to be. It’s a little woo, but it works for me. When I do find myself more concerned with the invoice than being of service to the beautiful humans in front of me, I often apologize and bring it back to a place that feels right.

In traffic: I have a real strong value around fairness and consideration, so when some JACKASS cruises up the shoulder to get a car length ahead of me, or isn’t bothering to pay attention at a stoplight when it turns green, I often get a little incensed and let it get the better of me. I have also been the jackass in this; I’ve blocked an entrance to a parking lot while creeping along in traffic, and when the guy who couldn’t get into said parking lot asked me what my problem was (I am paraphrasing some very colourful language, here), I joined him in his anger and flipped him off. I know. I’m such a nice human.

In my friendships: many years ago, seemingly before I had a compassionate bone in my body, a dear friend of mine lost her dad, very suddenly. I was heartbroken for her, obviously, but you know what I said to her when we spoke weeks later? “I was disappointed that you didn’t call on me to support you in that.” Ouch. Jackassery. Right there. I quickly realized what a jerk thing to say that really was, and apologized, but I think it was a thorn between us for a long time.

In my dog-parenting: there are days that are legitimately full, where I am coaching and in meetings, and dashing off to the gym and whatever else I have planned, and the poor dog, to whom I was a single dog parent for a long time, slips to the bottom of the priority ladder. On other days, I am not as booked up, but just a lazy Jackass, and all I make time for is a quick stroll around the neighbourhood. I can’t fool Baxter, who gives me a look that says he knows very well that I have time for an actual dog adventure (Jackass level? MASTER).

In my relationships: I could list off a few examples here…there have been times when I’ve been thoughtless, selfish, and just a complete Jackass. I have whined when I am having a bad day and my partner is dealing with stress and unable to drop everything to appease me. When plans have changed because of a family or work obligation for my mate, I have been passive-aggressive in my disapproval.

Trust me, there has been plenty of Jackassery.

I think the key is what we DO about it. It’s in the recovery. I used to work for a fairly large rail tour company and I loved the mantra for any sort of SNAFU or chaos that disturbed the guests’ pleasure: “It’s all in the recovery.” Damn straight. The value lies in how it’s actually left.

I love that I get to apologize and make it right. I love that I get to be vulnerable and get closer to the people around me as I pull open my super-hero costume just a little and show my human-ness. Yes, it’s been hard, I won’t sugar coat that, but because I have been willing (not always, but a lot of the time) to call myself out, it’s worked out well, after all.

Sometimes we don’t get to make it right, as happens when I am in traffic beating myself up or hating on the people around me. That’s when I say say to myself, “Look at that lovely human, doing the best they can.” It helps. Sometimes.

So here’s my TinaO invitation this week: notice your Jackassery and then own it. Make it right somewhere. Try saying this: “I’m sorry. I was a total jackass earlier and it was not my intention. Can we have that conversation again and I’ll be nicer?”

Let me know how it goes, okay? I’ll be busy taking the dog on an adventure and making some apology calls.

Get Real, Sexy Real

Tara

Tara Caffelle is a Relationship and Communication coach. She is passionate about creating connected, almost-uncomfortable-to-watch relationships that are based in Sexy Communication and Big Lives worth rolling around in.

Tara is based in the Lower Mainland of Vancouver and offers custom-designed coaching programs. To claim your free 90+ minutes and see what might be possible for your own super coupledom (or persondom), find a time here.

Have a question for Tara? Have an idea for a Hump Day conversation? How about just some thoughts about this thing called life? Let us know here. We’ll answer back. We promise.

Chuck that Shit – Tara Caffelle Vlog

May 14, 2016

So, I have a bit of a love affair with the peeps on this site. I fell for Tara when we first sat down together a number of years ago and as is the courtship thang… love happens incrementally. So here’s the thing: I love listening to this gal. A few weekends ago we hooked up for a cuppa joe and some eggs and caught up on life, love and our vision.

I said to her: Thought bubble! oh man… I just had a thought! Would you be willing to VLOG for TinaOLife? There’s an energy to you that comes through only in experiencing you. You’ve got this kooky coolness that I think a vlog would capture differently than your writing. What do you think?

Guess what she said…

ummmm YES!

So here she is… speaking straight to you about making space by CHUCKING THAT SHIT…

Get Real, Sexy Real

Tara

Have a question for Tara? Have an idea for a Hump Day conversation? How about just some thoughts about this thing called life? Let us know here. We’ll answer back. We promise.

The Magic of Slowing Down

May 5, 2016

About a year ago, I was heading into what I would call kick-in-the-ass time when it came to my business. After some hiccups and personal issues, I was ready to take it on in a new way and realize some serious success.

And so I did what I always do: made some lists, set up some meetings, strategized like a nut (complete with giant flip charts on the walls) and got my Poop in a Group, so to speak. I also asked for recommendations of business coaches and started the process of interviewing them and looking for a good fit.

The first one I spoke with was a skilled pit bull. She gave me a pile of homework on our initial call – by doing it all I was meant to both prove myself as a client and decide if I really wanted to work with her. I flew into a familiar flurry of homework and producing and all that.

In that time, I also had a call with another coach (the one I ended up hiring) and it was Magical. I think we both fell in coach love in the first five minutes of the call, and as I learned to embrace a slower, softer, tenderer way of being in my business, I was hooked and I am still working with her now.

My biggest learning from my coach was to slow down before gearing up. To stop and allow silence to show me what was next. As a result, I took loads of time off, and stopped working so hard. I took silent retreats where I wrote and napped and gazed out the window at pretty mountains. And huge ideas came. Insights came. Every possible thing came.

My business has grown exponentially; in the first few months of this year, I have already surpassed ALL that I did last year in the whole year.

In this process, I committed to listening to my intuition, and to treating myself, my clients and my business as tenderly and compassionately as I could. I focused on holding all of the balls I juggle loosely and with love. I slowed down. My mantra became “What got me here won’t get me there.” All of the ways of being had only gotten me so far, and I was being called to operate in a whole new way in order to move ahead. I started to sweetly surrender to all that would come my way without me having to work my ass off to get it.

“What got me here won’t get me there.”

Why am I telling you all this? I hope you know by now that I relate nearly everything to relationships. This slowing-down-to-go-further approach actually applies to everything.

When we don’t slow it down, we deplete. Our cup runs out. If we don’t put the proverbial oxygen mask on ourselves first, we have nothing to give anyone else.

Slowing down allows life to catch up. It gives us space to more easily suck the marrow out of all that we do and care about.

And I know that it sounds counter-productive, to stop and rest in order to get ahead. I will point to the marathon runners who rest even for a minute periodically as they run, and find they get a better time at the end of the race. And I will point out that when you are on the highway and want to pass a giant, slow-moving vehicle, you must gear down (becoming more powerful) before you can clear what’s in your way.

In relationships, this shows up as “busy”: over-scheduled kids, and stressed adults who go from thing to thing to thing without stopping. In the doing of it all, we forget the being of it. We lose sight of how incredible the flawed and beautiful person is that we wake up with each day and have chosen to spend our life with. We forget what’s really important: our connections and relationships.

Slowing down and holding our partners, children and our own well-being with exquisite care, compassion and gentleness allows our relationships to flourish. We get to bask in the affection of our mate, fill our energy banks up, connect with our why, and carry on renewed and inspired.

Please try it. Because what got you here might not get you there. Because maybe there’s some sweetness in slowing down, and maybe you’ll see a new way of being together that you like. Cancel some plans and declare a “family day” of movies and ice cream and pyjamas.

Or, if you really want to slow down and truly reconnect with your partner, try this: sign up for my Relationship Rendezvous – a weekend intimacy challenge that may involve some nakkidness. It’s my mission to slow this world down and make it just a little more delicious as we do.

Get Real, Sexy Real

Tara

Have a question for Tara? Have an idea for a Hump Day conversation? How about just some thoughts about this thing called life? Let us know here. We’ll answer back. We promise.

What’s Taboo to You?

April 13, 2016

What’s Taboo to You?

In my family, it seems like some things are too tragic to even talk about. A few months after my dear friend and ex-husband passed away last year, I had lunch with my aunt and uncle. At the end of the meal, during which we caught up on family and the weather and all those usual things, my aunt quietly reached across the table, lightly touched my hand, and with a nod, half-whispered “You’re doing all right, with….everything?”

I assured her that I was, because, let’s the be honest, the door hadn’t exactly been swung open to speak openly about my grief and the hell I found myself in. It felt easier to give her the answer she wanted to hear.

I remember a TV show in which the character’s mother would always whisper the word cancer, as if it was just too awful to say out loud.

But here’s the thing: not giving voice to things that are unpleasant to talk about does not make them go away.

If we choose to keep things to ourselves, we rob our loved ones of intimate moments with us from which we could all grow.

I, for one, would rather speak openly about, well, everything. In my sessions with clients (and even during dinner parties), I brazenly ask the questions about sex lives, the quality of relationships, and the taboo things that aren’t being said. It’s my super power.

Yes, some topics are very uncomfortable, and we don’t want to risk looking bad, looking stupid, being shamed, or being told that what we are saying doesn’t matter. When we choke back our words, not only is it toxic to our bodies to keep it bottled up, but it’s also the very opposite of intimate. It doesn’t help us to share our experiences and grow from them.

My clients often find themselves locked in quiet conflict with their partners because they’re afraid to speak up about the things that are troubling them. Instead of initiating a conversation in a safe, open way, they avoid the most important topics…and let them fester.

When we choke back our words, not only is it toxic to our bodies to keep it bottled up, but it’s also the very opposite of intimate.

My solution to this, and your invitation, should you choose to accept it, is to preface these topics with permission or a request for support.

Here are some examples:

● I’m feeling really upset about this and I’m not sure what’s happening for me. Can we talk about this some more?

● I have something I need to tell you and I’m scared that you’re going to be angry with me.

● Can I share an observation about what happened between us last night?

● This is really awkward and I’m not sure what to say.

● Please help me understand what you’re trying to say.

The next time you have something that you are tempted to keep to yourself because you feel triggered, or because you’re fearful of what might happen, try one of these on. You may be pleasantly surprised by the outcome of the conversation.

I will be speaking openly about all sorts of relationship-related things in my Play Space Salon and I would love to have you join me there on the second and fourth Thursdays of each month. To access the live salon, head on over to my Facebook page and tune in at 7pm PDT. You’ll be able to send me your questions and comments as we go. I look so forward to seeing you there!

Get Real, like Sexy Real.

Tara

Have a question for Tara? Have an idea for a Hump Day conversation? How about just some thoughts about this thing called life? Let us know here. We’ll answer back. We promise.

iRelationships

April 8, 2016

iRelationship?

I don’t know about you, but I have a love/hate relationship with my technology. I happily leave my phone at home when I am out in the woods, for instance, but then wish I had it with me to take photos of beautiful views. I try to make rules for myself about when and where I am allowed to look at it, but it’s still my alarm clock, and although I rarely need an alarm to wake up with these days, I need it to wake me up when I have somewhere to be. I love the convenience, and hate that I’m so dependent.

When I was in Colombia in February, you’ll recall that I didn’t speak a lot of Spanish and was also travelling alone. The only “company” I had was when I could use wifi to chat with the boyfriend, my assistant, my editor, and anyone else who would interact with me.

The whole experience of only being able to type to communicate for the entire time I was away got me thinking:

How have relationships changed with technology?

How well can we possibly communicate with only a tiny keyboard and rampant auto-correct?

This led me to investigate new ways of being with my phone and the relationships in my life (something I have also pondered here).

To start, I went to Tara’s Play Group, (a private Facebook group you’re invited to join!), and asked:

“What are the last three texts that you and your sweetie exchanged?”

What I found was a lot of what I expected: Folks forgot their lunches. Some couldn’t find a place to park. Some were encouraged to shop for things that would bring joy. Many plans were made to consume food. One couple was shopping for dog beds.

There were also proclamations of love with expletives for emphasis. But on the whole, the text messages were hardly love letters.

I considered how relationships looked 10, 20 and 50 years ago. My grandparents didn’t text, they would make plans (and keep them); my grandfather would call on my gramma to see her. My parents relied on notes left on the kitchen counter to communicate when they couldn’t manage to connect in person. I would write notes on loose-leaf paper, fold it carefully into an origami square, and slip it to the high school boy of my dreams as we passed in the hallways.

The reality is, technology is a huge part of our current relationships and it’s here to stay. But I can’t help but wonder if it’s splintering our conversations with our loved ones into a bunch of disconnected updates.

Maybe we need to think about being more intentional with our communication, and consciously notice how it fits into our lives. Just like with the inevitable shifts that come in relationships over time—from the ooh-la-la-in-love stuff to the mundane and settled—our technological exchanges seem to shift, as well. But that doesn’t mean we don’t get a say in it.

The reality is, technology is a huge part of our current relationships.

One action item I am taking on is to really notice my partner and the people with whom I communicate. Instead of the usual equivalent of a non-verbal grunt over text, I am taking time to notice and see. I am telling my Mister that I loved watching him play with the dog this morning and that I really appreciate that he made me coffee before leaving for work. I’m starting to write actual letters to share news, instead of drafting an email or a short text.

What do you think: does technology have a negative impact on your relationships? What will you do to be more present while also using it?

Its time to get real, like sexy real.

Tara

Have a question for Tara? Have an idea for a Hump Day conversation? How about just some thoughts about this thing called life? Let us know here. We’ll answer back. We promise.

Relationship or relationship?

March 31, 2016

let’s stop using so many capitals.

It has come to my attention that we spend a lot of time making things bigger and more important than they need to be and it makes these things scary and renders them somehow untouchable.

We’re all capable of amazing professional and personal accomplishments and rich, nourishing relationships. But sometimes, when we build our goals and priorities up into insurmountably huge obstacles in our minds, we freeze.

Wondering if you do this? I’m willing to venture that you do. Let me give you some examples from my own life and the stories I have been told by clients:

I like to meditate, but in my mind, it sometimes turns into Meditate, with a very capital M. I feel this heavy reverence when I think of it. I feel pressure to Meditate: sit in a perfect lotus position, and not be at all distracted while I meet up with the Dalai Lama in my head each morning before eating a pile of chia seeds and skipping off to a yoga class. And so because this all seems so darn arduous and frankly not fun at all, I skip the whole thing, tell myself I’ll do it tomorrow, and go back to my morning coffee. The next day, it’s lather, rinse, repeat.

A former client brought a proposal to me; she had been asked to write a Book. There were many pros and cons to taking on the project, but a big roadblock was that it was a Book and was thus very important and in need of serious concentration and setting-aside of other priorities. The Book wasn’t fun, but a book (little b) may have been.

I am looking forward to what will likely be an epic hiking trip this summer. When I tell people about the planning and the training, I often hear about how much others would love to Be Outdoorsy, or Go Hiking. You want to know my secret? I think of the West Coast Trail, and really any hike, as just a hike. You know, with a small h.

Small letters keep it all fun.

Are you in a relationship or a Relationship?

In our relationships, how often do we stress out trying to carve out Quality Time with our partner when just sharing space and spending time together would be really, really great? How about getting caught up in Sex, when little-s sex and the comfortable intimacy around it would fill you both up?

We have the tendency to make too many things so damn important, and in the process, we miss incredible joy in the small things that make up life.

Here’s your invitation this week:

Soak up the very presence of your partner. Drop the Date Night and the huge expectation, and just enjoy their sense of humour, their views of the world; laugh together and just be. Let go of the should of it (you should spend time together, you should feel close, it should be easy, etc.) and just delight in their company. When we capitalize anything (Meditate, Book, Sex, Quality Time or anything else), we make it a “should” when it really would be so much more fun as a “get to.”

Try it this week and see what shifts. And don’t be shy about letting it carry over to all the areas of your life: Getting Enough Exercise, Eating Well, Running Your Business, Relaxing With Your Hobbies, Spending Time With Family, and even Creating Memories With Your Children.

Ditch the capitals, and embrace that life can be lowercase and lovely.

get real like sexy real

Tara

Have a question for Tara? Have an idea for a Hump Day conversation? How about just some thoughts about this thing called life? Let us know here. We’ll answer back. We promise.

On Boats and in Life

March 23, 2016

When I was little, my family spent a lot of time at my grandparents’ cabin. It was about an hour from our house and we would drive there for the weekend so Dad could help Grampa with the property. I think Dad likely resented having to give up his weekends to labour away, but I have nothing but warm memories of my time there. I remember how I always, always got carsick on the drive, and the smell of the canvas life jacket I had to wear in the boat, and having a bath in the kitchen sink before I was old enough to have a shower in the stall. We would play cards, roam the woods in search of adventure and chase minnows and frogs from the dock. Now that both of my grandparents are gone, these memories are particularly sweet.

After a long weekend of work, it was finally time for some fishing and relaxation in the boat. We would all clamour in to troll around the lake, and I remember so clearly being invited to sit on my Grampa’s lap and steer the boat. I am pretty sure I beamed at the very idea of doing such a grown-up thing.

I would always get excited and madly turn the wheel, tilting the boat so it looked like it was about to flip over, which made my Gramma yelp and hold onto the seat.

My Grandfather would patiently remind me:

“Make small turns, and let it straighten out.”

(I remember him being patient, but I have a feeling there may have also been some very-loving shouts.)

It turns out my Grampa was pretty brilliant.

Yes, it made the ride in the boat smoother, and kept my beloved Gramma from heart failure, but my Grampa’s message resonated far beyond our boat ride. It is something I apply now to my life, my relationships and also my work.

Do we often see what we want to be different and then dive in, too far, too fast? Do we take the wheel and make a sharp turn that can’t be sustained without tipping over?

You bet your sweet ass we do.

It’s great to want to shift things in your lifes. It’s wonderful to want to be your very best self for your relationship. And it’s never a bad idea to try and transition and improve. The key in making any of these changes is to make them gradually and at a sustainable pace.

What does this mean for your relationships?

If you want to prioritize spending more time together as a couple, start with 15 minutes a day of connecting and talking about more than groceries and soccer practice. Ask your partner what they would have you do to support them in what they are wanting to do and who they are wanting to be.

If you would like your family to be healthier, avoid the drastic changes in diet and change one thing at a time. Find something fun for you all to do together.

If you want more physical intimacy in your relationship, start with non-sexual touching throughout the day; greet your partner warmly when they arrive home and tell them how happy you are to see them.

If you think you’d like a whole different career, don’t just quit your job: that could be seen as irresponsible. Instead, be intentional about your spare time, choose hobbies that are connected to the field you want to transition into, and make incremental (and sustainable) choices.

And most importantly, remember that it’s all in the recovery. When you do over steer, gently return to centre, and then keep going. Keep that boat upright.

Get Real, like Sexy Real

Tara

Have a question for Tara? Have an idea for a Hump Day conversation? How about just some thoughts about this thing called life? Let us know here. We’ll answer back. We promise.

Intimates in Colombia

March 9, 2016

I spent the last week and a half of February in Colombia: I attended a dear friend’s wedding, and then I relaxed at a tiny resort where the biggest decision of my day was choosing a hammock in which to have my afternoon nap. It was glorious. And quiet. In more ways than one.

See, Colombia isn’t a country that speaks a lot of English. And I am not a traveler who speaks a lot of Spanish. You do the math.

What I learned: People in Colombia wanted me to eat, to be safe, to have a good time.

I survived with big smiles, excited clapping, pointing at menus, Google translator (when I had wifi), listening carefully for familiar words, and speaking loudly and slowly. (Oh yes, I did.)

My last morning in Colombia had me feeling stressed; I had complicated transfers beginning at 4 am from a somewhat-remote resort via taxi to the nearby town where I would connect with two different buses before reaching the airport that would take me to a major city for a connecting flight back to Canada.

WHEW!

Add to the stress the fact that I didn’t have quite enough cash to pay my various drivers along the way and would need to find a machine somewhere early on. An English-speaking staff member at the resort had lovingly arranged my entire trip for me, but I knew it was unlikely she would be around at 4 am to translate any further.

I thought ahead: I packed and was ready the night before, set a couple of alarms, and translated phrases I thought I might need into my phone and took screen shots that I could show them along the way.

Here’s what happened: I accidentally ordered a bottle and not a glass of wine at dinner the night before I left, and not wanting to waste it, I drank a lot of it and basically passed out. I woke up in plenty of time for my alarm, in my clothes, with the lights still on. I checked out of the resort with ease, met my driver, showed him my translation that said “Can we go to a cash machine so I can pay you?” and off we went.

I felt completely safe and taken care of. When the first banco machin-o didn’t work for my card, we looked for another, and each time, he stood outside the door and waited for me. We were a team.

Soon, I wasn’t worried about making my connections and even grabbed the tiniest of cat naps once I was safely on the bus.

It’s like I always say: we are in relationship with everyone we interact with.

For those brief moments, with my gruff, Spanish-speaking driver, we shared an intimacy that I am still talking about a week later.

I think that universally there is desire to connect, the same way our bodies want to maintain health. If we shoot Botox into our face, our muscles actually work around it and want to get back to what’s normal. This is why, if you use poison to still your beautiful facial expression lines, you need to repeat the treatment over and over again.

Similarly, we humans crave connection. When we don’t have it, due to language barriers or other zany circumstances, we find our way back to it.

Relationship wants to happen.

Stop fighting it. So many times, we get in conflict with each other and don’t realize that things just want to run smoothly. Rather than get in the way of it all the time, I invite you to consider what you can do and say that will create more intimacy with the people in your life. How can you join with the people around you to become team mates?

Try it and let me know what you discover. You don’t even have to go all the way to Colombia (although you could—they are lovely people and they will be very amused by your excited clapping when you finally decide what you’d like to order for dinner!).

Tara

Get Real, like Sexy Real

Have a question for Tara? Have an idea for a Hump Day conversation? How about just some thoughts about this thing called life? Let us know here. We’ll answer back. We promise.

The 100% Lean In

March 3, 2016

I’m always going on and on about how we are in relationship with everyone in our lives, from our barista at Starbucks to whomever we land with in bed at the end of the day, and I also know that each of those relationships can be happily designed. We do this with the 100% lean-in.

Today, I want to focus on Starbucks. Yep, you read that right: it’s a great example of The 100% Lean in, and I think once you understand this, you can apply it all over the place.

Our job, if you will, as a customer at Starbucks, involves the following steps: enter the building (for the sake of argument, let’s not include the drive-through option), walk up to the counter, order our coffee, pay for our coffee, thank the barista, put whatever accoutrements into the coffee, and leave with said coffee. Doing all of these things without any sort of hiccups can be considered showing up for your job at 100%.

The barista’s job is to cheerfully take our order, accept our payment, deliver our beverage to us, and say thank you. Doing all of these things constitutes showing up 100%.

Are you still with me?

What I know is that 100% can look different on different days. I will outline what not-quite 100% looks like and how we can easily adjust to make it so.

Scenario: You get to the counter and realize you have forgotten your wallet in the car and have no way to pay for your beverage. What would make it 100%?: Ask for what you need. Tell the barista what has happened so that your order can be held until you can get your money and the line-up behind you can proceed with their orders.

Scenario: You are in in the middle of an important phone call on your mobile, and while you sincerely wish it would end in time for you to order your coffee, that is not the case, and instead of ordering, you must continue your conversation. (See how I give you the benefit of the doubt that you’re not just standing in line, staring at your phone, oblivious to all that is happening around you?). What would make it 100%?: Step aside, ask the person you are on the call with to give you a moment so you can order, or pretend you just went through a tunnel and hang up (it’s the nature of phones that people are able to call us back—cool, right?).

Scenario: You approach the counter and the barista is telling her co-worker about the wicked concert she saw last night, complete with an air guitar impression. What would make it 100%?: Trick question! This one is on the barista. You’re welcome to get the barista’s attention in a respectful way, but this is really up to the barista to make up the difference, and that is by ending her inappropriate conversation and take your order.

Scenario: The barista is nowhere to be seen and you peer over the counter and see that he is kneeling on the floor putting some cups away behind the counter. How to make it 100%: Again, this is up to the barista to make up. All that is needed is a quick “I’ll be right with you!”

Scenario: Hot coffee in hand, you go to the sugar-adding station and you get stuck behind a guy who has his stuff spread all over everywhere. You can’t even get to the sugar. What would make it 100%?: The guy can turn to you and say, well, anything. “So sorry, I’ll get out of your way” or (this is one I use all the time) “Argh! I’m quite a tornado, aren’t I? Can I pass you the cream?”

What this means for more intimate relationships:

In relationships that run a little deeper than coffee, we can apply these ideas; when you notice that you’re showing up less than your 100% ideal, explain why, and then ask for what you need. Conversely, if your partner is failing to show up and meet your expectations in a way that feels like 100% for you, ask (in a caring way) what is happening that you can maybe be more understanding about. (They may not have ready this post and be as in tune with what 100% looks like!).

A few quick examples come to mind:

● You have a deadline coming up at work and know you will be preoccupied all week. So you ask your partner for their patience and understanding

● You suffer from horrendous seasonal allergies, and your partner has planned a full day of fun on the day you have off together. You ask for a little time for your allergy meds to kick in.

● You meet an old friend for dinner and although you would love to really catch up, you can’t stop thinking about how your grandmother is really sick and you aren’t able to fly out see her. You explain to your friend why you are not really present.

Showing up at 100% looks different on any given day.

The good news is it’s really easy to notice when you’re falling short and ask for what you need to make up the difference.

It’s also worth taking a look at how, in our relationships, we sometimes lean in more or less than 100%, which can lead to resentment, and mistrust and a whole host of other things, but I will leave that for another week. Until then, go grab a coffee at Starbucks, and think of me!

Get Real, like Sexy Real

Tara

Have a question for Tara? Have an idea for a Hump Day conversation? How about just some thoughts about this thing called life? Let us know here. We’ll answer back. We promise.