Skillset Archives - Page 4 of 5

Trump – We are Part of the Problem

February 27, 2016

Yes, like you, I have multiple opinions about whether Donald Trump is worth even a second of our consideration… but that is not what this post is about. I appreciate the video below for a number of reasons but in brief, here is why:

I have a real bee in bonnet about selling and the insanity in both the sales/marketing/branding profession and how we interact with it. Part of my focus on TinaOLife is to bring up this conversation again and again, calling out those of us in the sales and marketing industry to get better at what we do. In short, I’m asking if you are willing to fix something that is incredibly broken. We are indeed a blister in the sun. And something tells me we’re about to burst.

A lot of factors are contributing to the rise in popularity of Donald Trump as a contender for the Republican nomination, but I’m only going to address ONE of them – because it’s the one that makes me itchy. Yes I do squirm just a little bit, biting my cheek on the inside and jamming my toes into my shoes trying to keep from screaming. Bwahhhhh Grrrrrrahhhhhhhh!!!! It’s like I want to throw up violently but I can’t.

So I’m going stretch us a little k? I’m connecting the dots between sales, marketing, branding, message and our relentless chasing of the illusion of STATUS (and that’s all it is folks, an illusion).

We as sellers position ourselves and our message to you this way:

I know more than you.

I have more for you.

I sell more than anyone.

You want more.

I’ll give you more than anyone else can.

And then there’s the weird status thing we do around the pricing of our product, and the stories we make up to justify why people do or don’t buy our stuff:

When you say you can’t afford it – it’s not true.

When you say, I’m not sure yet – you’re just hiding.

When you say, I need time to think, – you’re making excuses.

Status. We have such a magnetic pull to it. We want it. You could say I’m doing it now by calling bullshit on sales tactics, and maybe I do. It’s still worth examining don’t you think?

Status. So then we decided that we live in an abundant universe, and that anything we want we can have simply by naming it, writing it down, and ultimately, manifesting it. Therefore, all of the customers who aren’t reaching our pricing structure are the ones who are living in a false reality. It’s their fault, they simply aren’t thinking abundantly enough.

I’m not saying that this perspective is all hooey, and that The Secret, Lisa Nichols, Jack Canfield and all the others are wrong – I’m adding to the equation another question which is: What kind of a charge (like an electric zap in the belly) do you get when you hold that perspective as true? Here’s what I mean:

Wouldn’t it be interesting to get to the place as a seller or a buyer where there is no ‘charge’ at all around a price. It’s neither expensive or inexpensive, it’s just a number. It either fits a budget or it doesn’t. It either matches the buyer/seller’s values or not. What if price wasn’t about STATUS at all? I wonder how much we would be willing to charge and/or pay.

Why am I here when I’m talking about Trump, marketing and selling?

Because money is LOADED with electric charges and then fueled by our stories.

Because how we price our products often informs how we sell, market, and brand them. Here’s a kicker, most products are sold at the price of ‘what the market will bare’.

Yet we are the market.

And we set it by what we’re willing to believe in.

Connect that back to Trump. What are we willing to believe in and why?

So let’s talk about honesty and marketing shall we? We’ve become so ‘skilled’ at positioning, so ‘smart’ at messaging, so ‘strategic’ with our choice of words, colours, audience, timing, logos, hooks, offers, calls to action, reach etc… that when somebody shows up like Trump, and just speaks ‘his truth’ – it staggers us for a second, and we’re drawn to it. It catches us off guard. And then when ‘his truth’ gets louder, with less restraint, and with more Alpha-Dog in him, it comes off kind of refreshing somehow because he’s cutting through the noise – never mind how costly his perspective may be (again, think back to pricing – same story).

We are all so EXHAUSTED from being sold to by slick campaigns with sensational promises that this guy, because he’s ‘not a politician’, because he’s ‘not packaged’, because he IS ‘impulsive’, because he DOES ‘show his true colours’, becomes appealing. This guy has STATUS because he’s being ‘himself’ and lots of people are gobbling it up.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LOGHFkXP3Rs

Again, you may ask, what does this have to do with sales and marketing… well, it’s the underpinning of our mistrust because we simply can’t get away from it.

Here’s my suggestion: when people in sales, marketing and branding stop strategizing and start simply TELLING THE STORY of the PRODUCT or the STORY of their SERVICE – by SERVING THE STORY instead of the SALE, then we just may begin to trust voices of ‘reason’ again, and dudes like this won’t be given the time of day.

Imagine if we didn’t ‘sell’ being honest, we just were.

Imagine if we didn’t need to be ‘clever’ to attract an audience but instead, our straight goods became so crystal clear that the ‘right’ people could find us.

Imagine if sales people weren’t trained to overcome objections, if marketers weren’t taught how to ‘get inside the mind of consumer’, if branders didn’t ‘position’ the sale.

Imagine if the products we sold were good enough and our belief in them so deep and strong that we didn’t need to figure out the ‘formula’ to successfully sell them?

When we can all give up the insanity of trying to out play one another, perhaps bombastic, self-serving, opportunists like this guy, Mr. Trump, wouldn’t be so appealing. It’s not funny. It’s not entertaining. It’s not even scary (well, maybe it is), its really quite sad. Our culture has lost touch with it’s humanity, with our heart beat of being seen and known.

It’s time to be courageous, reclaim our power by being honest.

What do you say people in the sales, marketing and the branding industry… you with me? I’m not suggesting that we’re ultimately responsible for people like Trump getting to where he is, but I am suggesting that we’re part of the problem. The truth never needed to be clever. Good products never needed to be louder than everyone else, and consumers shouldn’t have to read between the lines in order to figure out if they can trust you and your brand or not.

Trump, with his blatant, boundary pushing and now rise to popularity is a lesson for all of us. He can cut through the noise because he’s just being him. Like him or not, he’s Trump and he’s pretty darn comfortable being that. If only we were too.

xxT

TinaO is a writer, speaker and the founder of TinaOLife – a hub for all things worth living for, the workshop Live Your Best Story, and her coaching practice: Tall Poppy Living. She’s also a professional network marketer with a decade in the industry. She teaches: selling isn’t slimey and marketing isn’t make-believe. You can be yourself and be successful in Direct Sales.

It’s not a Career, it’s a Body of Work

February 19, 2016

For the last four years I’ve stumbled when people have asked me what I do.

It’s because I’m an entrepreneur.

It’s because I’m an artist.

It’s because I’m a network marketer.

It’s because I’m a full time mom.

It’s because I’m a body of work, not a career.

xxT

Would I ever go back to Network Marketing again?

February 19, 2016

Not only does Network Marketing have a bad reputation in the minds of many people, while the trash talk may be misinformed, some of the issues have traces of truth to them which has lead me to the following questions: Would I ever leave? Would I ever go back? Would I do it all over again if I could?

Here’s the deal: I’m a decade in. I’ve made it to the top. I’m a pioneer in Canada. My family still lives on my network marketing income. While it was once six figures and gave me trips to Maui, trips all over the United States and Canada, Tiffany jewelry, a luxury car, purses, bags, swag, shiny things and more… I’m not motivated by stuff. That’s all nice and everything but it doesn’t get me out of bed and over my own procrastination or resistance.

Still, after five years of ‘taking a break’ my family of five still lives on the income that my network marketing business pays me. Crazy right? Or is it smart?

Trash Talk: So much promise, so little return.

Truth: You get what you are willing to build. What is worth sweating over to build?

Here’s the thing: I don’t respect ‘follow the leader’ groups (come on now, as if one person could have the answer for everybody), nor do I find any enjoyment in hotel hypey meetings (rah rah rah blah blah blah), and I really cringe when I hear ‘tactics’ for selling that involve ‘overcoming objections’, or ‘facing your fears and doing it anyway’. Why do objections need to be overcome? And surely our fear instinct has a purpose. How about just listening to the objection and being fearful of what is truly dangerous? I got to the ‘top’ of my business without ever having to overcome anybody’s objections or feel my fear and do it anyway. I didn’t do what I was afraid of. I did what challenged me instead, and I listened for the YES that worked for my clients and for me.

Trash Talk: It’s a cult.

Truth: You’re a business owner.

Here’s the dilemma: Business success in network marketing is based on your ability to teach thousands of people how to follow a simple business system over and over and over again – a.k.a. duplication. The truth is, network marketing success is no different than implementing the ideas in Michael Gerber’s The E-Myth. So really, people, calm down, it’s not brainwashing, it’s following a system. That said, without ‘jargon’ and ‘hype’ and ‘rituals’ and ‘a top ten list’ how does motivation and duplication happen? And while we’re here, how do you mass duplicate “just tell the truth and serve the people”.

Trash Talk: I hate those rah rah rah motivational selly things.

Truth: Find your own motivation, you’re not a sheep.

Here’s the challenge: Network Marketing isn’t for everybody (neither is team sports), yet anybody can do it.

Not everyone is going to find fulfillment in the network marketing industry, not everyone is going to generate wealth. Not everyone is going to enjoy the process either yet the doors are always OPEN for ANYONE to join in, and lots do.

I soooooooo respect an open playing field.

I sooooooo champion all-access-opportunities.

I live by ‘all’ is greater than ‘some’.

Trash Talk: Coffee isn’t for every-body

Truth: yet almost everybody drinks it.

Here’s the insight: In today’s wacky world of broken rules, cracked systems and mega-marketing (like who do you believe anymore?), we all need three streams of income to be bulletproof. I learned this from my friend Cat in Toronto. She said to me “we all need three legs to stand on because when (not if) one gets broken, we still have two to stand on”. True right? In the decade that I’ve been in this industry, I’ve had a third baby, almost lost my marriage, let go of my house, had a life-direction breakdown (okay, a mid-life crisis), parented emotional teenagers, lived through a recession, saw friends lose babies, divorce and experience financial ruin, and to top it all off, last year I had CANCER.

Mother Fudrucker. Are you kidding me?

Yes indeed, we all need three legs to stand on because sometimes it takes more than six weeks in a cast to mend a limb. Sometimes the leg is severed and simply needs to be replaced and that takes time. Over the last ten years, my network marketing business has been the only constant revenue our family has had, be it a gangsta paycheque or an average one. I sometimes forget that’s a worthy leg to stand on for sure.

Trash Talk: Why do you need a plan B if you already have a plan A?

Truth: Because you do.

2015-09-19 13.46.01 — Conference feet take a break in Calgary

Here’s what I’ve learned: Nobody wakes up dreaming about building a career in network marketing (well, none that I’ve met anyway), but everyone wakes up needing cash for food, shelter and peace of mind. Some people wake up desperate for a chance to GO FOR SOMETHING BIG, but most simply just want to be happy. Lots of people yearn to be appreciated, to be known, to be part of a community, and a select few decide to create it themselves.

Most of us have ALL that it takes to be successful in network marketing:

like people.
love the product you sell.
learn to communicate.
practice remembering that yes is an answer just as much as no is and that neither is better than the other, nor is it to be taken personally.
be habitual.
be reliable, be kind – and above all else…
LOVE PEOPLE (more than you like them).

Yet… so few think they have what it takes.

Even me sometimes, and I’ve been to the top. I drank the kook-aid. I wore the logos. I cried at the conventions. I even drove (drive) the car.

Trash Talk: So many people fail in network marketing.

Truth: So many people quit.

The truth is: I respect this industry more than any other industry I’ve ever been in because it’s real and there’s nowhere to hide or to pretend. The truth will ALWAYS out in network marketing because it’s a people based business. People have the best ‘sniffer’ I know. They can feel authenticity, they can smell a ‘sell’.

Oh yeah, and really… like come on… where else can I work 15 hours/week like it’s a ‘j.o.b.’ and make gangsta money? Where else can I go to ‘business school’ and get paid to learn how to be an entrepreneur? How else can I make ‘career’ money without having to have a career?

What other business allows you to have all the crazy goodness that comes with a franchise opportunity without having the million dollars you need to buy a frickin’ franchise? I can’t deny that. Just look at the numbers. Truly, don’t listen to the rah-rah-opportunity -this-will-change-your-life-stuff, just look at the bloody numbers. They don’t have ‘spin’ on them.

I’m an artist. I’m a momma. I’m a wife. I’m a writer, I’m an athlete (well, becoming one again), and I’m a coach. I don’t have time for a job. I got shit to do. Big shit. Big loud, fabulous, life-affirming, world tilting shit to do. I’m not here to waste my life pretending to play small when I’m not. No. That’s not me. I have a calling to fulfill, and so do you.

Network Marketing is not my career, yet it encompasses all the things that I’m designed to do: build community, see greatness in people, write, speak, perform, and make a difference in this insane world of lying lying lie lie lie selling. Thank you Jerry Seinfeld – you crack me up. Did you you click the link? Here it is again.

Network Marketing, you are the gift that keeps challenging me to grow up, to ‘fess up, to lift up, and most importantly to SHOW UP. Without you, I wouldn’t know what I know now and I wouldn’t be here on TinaOLife living out the calling that’s been with me since I took my first breath.

So to answer my own questions:

Would I leave?

ummm probably not, that just seems stupid. That’s callous, I know, but really, some things are pretty obvious when you can finally see them.

Would I ever go back?

Well, I’m certainly not working my biz the way I did ten years ago because that was sheer insanity (even though it worked), and technology has changed since then, so I don’t have to. It’s kinda nice to have a global business from the comfort of my bed and in my fuzzy slippers.

Would I do it all over again if I could?

That’s the easy hard one to answer: Yes. Yes I would. It’s kinda like: “if you knew what you know now about marriage and having children, would you do it all over again?” – yes, yes, yes and more yes. It’s frickin’ hard. It’s totally real and it’s the most rewarding thing I’ve ever done.

The deeply challenging things that expand us usually are.

xxT

Wanna know about my business? email me. overburynation@gmail.com

I have a crush. Am I cheating?

February 18, 2016

Hey look! Tara received her first comment on TinaOLife – so she’s going for it. Ready…?This is a touchy subject for a lot of people. Ahhhh she’s totally got this for all of us. Read on.

READER: How about covering crushes and sexual attraction to other people besides your partner? I think it’s unrealistic to assume one will always be attracted only to one’s partner and I’d be interested to hear your take on it.

Tara – Personally, I am a huge fan of The Crush. I love feeling noticed in the world, I love getting to go home and tell my partner that I got hit on, I love sharing the excitement—in the bedroom and really everywhere—that I have a little thing going on. It will go absolutely nowhere but it is still so FUN.

I’ve said it before and I’ve said it again: we are humans and we are meant to have connection—intimate connection—with other humans. Sometimes this happens while we are in fully-committed, happy-as-a-pig-in-shit relationships. But it doesn’t have to threaten that relationship—despite how it might seem on the surface.

Here’s a simple thing to ask yourself: What does it really cost us to allow our partner to have this experience?

Usually nothing. So what’s the problem?

If you are threatened by this, that gives us a place to look. If we see our partner getting attention from someone else and we feel a pang of jealousy, we get to look underneath that and figure out what it actually means. Is it that we don’t feel like we’re getting enough attention from our partner?

Are we resentful that they’ve been away or busy a lot, leaving the bulk of the home responsibilities to us? There is almost always something underneath jealousy to explore (with a coach!). I know it sounds strange, but flirting and crushes and attention from outside our relationship can give us a renewed spring in our step in our relationships.

Trust me.

Think of couples who have a “Celebrity Freebie List”—a list of five or so (unattainable) celebrities that each partner is allowed to have a night of wanton sex night with, no-questions-asked, should the opportunity arise. Think of how fun that is to think about. It’s interesting, it can give you fun ideas for the bedroom (hello? Princess Leia in the gold bikini?), and it recognizes that although you have decided to share the most mundane moments of your life with another person, you are not dead. Even my Gramma used to tell me that although she had chosen her dish, she had no intention putting down the menu.

Years ago, I was with my ex-husband in Safeway and we were getting all the groceries for the week. It was really glamorous. He went to the deli counter, and to his delight, found that the 20-something blonde who said everything as though it were a question was flirting with him like he was a naked fireman. He was at the counter for a long time and when I finally went over to check on him, I noticed what was happening. I asked him something important, like, “Do we need mustard?” and he glanced at me and then blushed, before turning back to blondie.

I shook my head, rolled my eyes, and told him to have fun. I would catch him over by the lettuce when he was done.

It cost me nothing. He was beaming, from ear to ear to…other areas, and at the end of it, we were still committed, still paying the bills, still going home to the unfolded laundry together, right? There is a word I will borrow from the polyamorous community: “compersion”. Compersion is the flip side of jealousy, or the glee of seeing one’s lover falling in love with someone else.

Compersion, in a basic form, is what I was doing when my husband was flirting in Safeway. No, he was not falling in love, but I could definitely feel pleasure from seeing him feel attractive and noticed by a complete stranger. Don’t we all want our beloved to be happy and noticed and valued?

Now, when crushes go a little further and become emotional entanglements (emotional affairs), it’s important to have the wherewithal to recognize what is happening for yourself.

As I have asked MANY clients this over the years who seem confused about whether or not their behaviour could be considered cheating: Does your SPOUSE think this is an affair?

If they do, then it is. Period.

We all have a different threshold for what we consider to be “cheating”. If you have a crush on a co-worker, then the first thing to do—before you make excuses or make it okay, or make yourself wrong because you feel shame or guilt— is to talk to your partner and ask THEM what they think.

In this situation, it is important to measure against the comfort of the relationship and the person we are in it with.

Here’s the quick n’ dirty: we are all meant to live in community. It’s flattering when our partners get noticed (for us and for them), and it costs you nothing to allow this to happen.

And for shit’s sake: talk to your partner about it. If that’s hard, call someone (like me) to help you have that conversation.

I would love for you to give it a try; the next time you see your delicious mate being eyed up, roll your eyes and agree to meet them by the lettuce. Maybe you’ll get to reap the rewards of them feeling noticed and attractive by someone who isn’t you.

Get Real like Sexy Real, Tara.

Tara Caffelle is a Relationship and Communication coach who brings an approachable approach to guiding and inspiring couples and individuals. She is passionate about creating connected, almost-uncomfortable-to-watch relationships that are based in Sexy Communication and Big Lives worth rolling around in. Tara is based in the Lower Mainland of Vancouver and while tickled to talk to anyone (anywhere!) for a tweak n’ tune, she works only by invitation in custom-designed coaching programs. To claim your free 90+ minutes and see what might be possible for your own super coupledom (or persondom), find a time here.

24th Annual Vancouver Wellness Show

February 12, 2016

Tomorrow I’m attending the 24th annual Wellness Show running today through Sunday at the Vancouver Convention Centre. Why would I do that? Or more importantly, why would YOU do that?

Because you live in a body and you only get one.
Because living IS possibility and as long as you are breathing, you have a shot at fulfilling your gifts.
Because our wellness is a reflection of how aligned we are with our soul, mind, body and action (or what I call skillset).
Because we only know what we know, and as ridiculously simple as this is: we also don’t know what we don’t know – and we can’t think about what we don’t know, because we don’t know anything about it yet.
Because we have no context for the areas of our life that could be more peaceful, or enjoy greater health when we live in the box labeled ‘what I know’ and frankly, we should label it what I think I know instead.
I know a lot, but I don’t know everything.

I’m attending The Wellness Show because it’s BIG! It’s the West Coast’s largest trade show devoted to helping people live a more balanced, holistic and healthy life. As the TinaOLife lady – sharing insights, ideas and possibilities about how to DIG IN AND LIVE… clearly, I need to be there. As well, I’m particularly interested in their theme this year which is Healthy Families.

I’m the momma of a family of five and I’ll tell you, this is the hardest job I’ve ever had. Hands down.

Is laundry hard? No.
The monotony of cooking dinners that kids won’t eat? No.
Having family meetings about challenging subjects? Well, kinda, but even that is not really hard you know?

This is what IS hard:

Talking to my kids about listening for their passions.
Supporting my husband and myself to never leave a dream on the table – to remember we’re people AND parents.
Having family meals in silence when one of us isn’t talking to each other.
Practicing wellness – as our birthright.
Reminding myself and my kids that seeing the world through a ‘sunshine, rainbows and lollipops filter’ doesn’t mean your happy, it means you see the world through sunshine, rainbows and lollipops, which might make you smile more often (might). But that’s it.
Remembering that sometimes your team loses, but PLAYING is the win we all get to go home with.
Teaching my kids about consent as they step into their curious sexual selves.
How to let our undesireable emotions be there: disappointment, grief, confusion and more because they are no more or less important than happy, silly, bliss or excitement and when we sit on the darker colours of our expression the bi-product is often anxiety, depression and resignation. How do I talk about that?

That is hard.

This is why I go to the Wellness Show. I go because I don’t have all of the answers, and I never will.

Come. Join me. We can be students of life together.

p.s. Tomorrow I will sharing a story about Suzy Kaitman, Vancouver’s Ballet Fit instructor who, with over 17 classes happening around the city decided it was time to open up her Ballet Lounge later this month. The piece I’m writing for her is called The Audacity of Passion. Watch for it tomorrow.

The Wellness Show opens its doors from 12 pm to 7 pm on February 12, 10 am to 7 pm on February 13, and 10 am to 6 pm onFebruary 14. The show takes place at the Vancouver Convention Centre East, Exhibit Hall B & C, 999 Canada Place in downtown Vancouver. Tickets are $14.50 General Admission, $12.50 Seniors 65+ / Students with valid ID, $6.00 Children (5 and under free), and $30.00 3 day pass. Tickets will be available online at thewellnessshow.com, or at the door.

Be well.

xxT

What’s your Relationship Story?

February 11, 2016

If you’ve been following along on our Hump Day Wednesdays with Tara Caffelle, Where Relationships Get Real, I’m sure you’ve noticed that I get the conversation started with questions that I’m personally seeking answers to. We’ve looked at: Why is intimacy so important? , What’s the deal with Nookie November? , and What is a Super Couple? So today, it seems only fitting on Love Week… ahem, on the hump of Valentines Day that we get up close and personal with the relationship lady herself. Here’s my question for Tara:

Okay Tara… this is the tell all question. Most of us fall into a passion profession because we’ve been lead there by our own experiences. Come on now… bare all. What’s your ‘relationship’ or ‘intimacy’ story???

Tara: Oh yes. My own experience led me deep into this work—you’ve got me there. I have always, always been interested in relationships. When I was growing up, I’d watch the adults around me and listen quietly as my Mum discussed life events with my aunts and her friends. I probably learned more than I should have, but even then I can remember being able to figure people out. In my twenties, I remember annoying a date when I fell asleep during the epic battle scenes from Lord of the Rings. What can I say? The battles didn’t involve conversation. There wasn’t anything relationshippy for me to entertain myself with. Jeeez.

There’s been one relationship in my life that, even though it has shifted and actually ended, has informed almost every piece of my work and how I hold my clients.

I met my (former) husband when I was 21 at what was the very beginning of what we now know as online dating. (Writing that makes me feel like such a dinosaur! Next I’ll tell you how I had to walk uphill both ways to school in the winter with bearskin shoes!). In any case, we met and fell in love and lived quite happily together for about 14 years.

In 2010 we split up very amicably, even sharing custody of our basset hound. As it happened, at the tail end of our relationship, after YEARS of floundering in various careers and never feeling completely fulfilled, I had (finally) found what I felt I was called to do… That was coaching.

As we navigated separating after such a long time together, we carefully designed how we wanted to be.

In coaching, we say that we “design our alliance,” which means the coach and client decide how it’s going to be when they’re together. We talk about what feels respectful, and what will be the most effective, and we form a team that will help the client reach their outcomes. When my husband and I decided to part ways, I brought a lot of coaching-esque stuff into our conversations: I expressed that I wanted to land in a friendship at some point, and that I didn’t blame him for what was happening. We continually asked for what we needed (space, patience, silence, etc) and were able to transition through a whole lot of grieving into a space where we held on to our friendship.

As we navigated separating after such a long time together, we carefully designed how we wanted to be.

Our friendship, after all, had always been a great part of our life together.

That process showed me, first-hand, how relationships can be, even as they end and especially as they end. Until then, I’d been working primarily as a life coach with individuals (and I still do), but I began to work more specifically with relationships, recognizing that we have them with everyone in our lives (from the barista who gets us our coffee in the morning to the person we land in bed with at the end of the day). I realized they could all be designed and customized to fit the people in them.

This led me to working as a doula, supporting parents who were about to welcome new babies into the world. As I met with those couples, I noticed I was always asking the same questions:

What are you doing for your relationship before this little person arrives?

Have you considered that you will never again be “just a couple” and will forevermore be a “family”?

These conversations were incredibly satisfying; I loved knowing I was having an impact on how the world would greet and care for those sweet little muffins.

From there, I became an educator for The Gottman Institute; I guide couples through both The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work and the Bringing Baby Home programs, and I fold this work into all that I know about sex, communication, relationships, leadership and designing a union that works and lasts.

But along the way I realized I also had some work to do on myself. It would take courage, openness and tremendous strength.

While my ex-husband and I made an excellent Team together (IKEA assembly skills: MASTER) and were the very best of friends, there was a layer of intimacy that was missing between us that I see more clearly now that I am out of it. I know now that there was a fundamental “holding back” between us.

In 2008, before we separated, we went through a bit of a relationship crisis and realized the outcome was uncertain. We actually had a successful open relationship for the last few years of our marriage, and within that there was experimentation, both together and apart. I was introduced to the world of consensual non-monogamy, which has given me an open-minded acceptance that I bring to my work (many of my clients come from non-monogamous relationships and seek support in making them work).

Since our separation in 2010 (and at the time of writing this in February of 2016) I have essentially been mostly single and in a constant journey of growth and exploration . I have learned the difference between physical intimacy (I used to readily hand over my body and think I was allowing someone to get close to me) and emotional intimacy—the In-to-me-see intimacy.

But along the way I realized I also had some work to do on myself. It would take courage, openness and tremendous strength.

The former is no longer satisfying to me, and although the latter challenges me every day to bare my inner layers, I challenge myself to do it because I know it is ultimately a more satisfying way to live.

I no longer tolerate small talk about the weather; I seek Big Conversations that leave my soul touched and my mind fuller.

In late 2014, my beloved ex-husband began to struggle with his mental health quite seriously. In May of 2015, he took his own life.

As someone who knew him for half of my life and loved him as a partner and a friend, it was both an honour and tremendously stressful to support him during the last six months of his life. I speak openly about it so that the stigma around mental health can be brought into the open.

There is not a single moment that he is not with me as I do my work in the world. His life and his death have helped me to zero-in on what is really important: our relationships, our connections, the way our children see us communicating and relating to each other, and the safe place to land that we all deserve.

So yes, Tina, to answer your question: my work comes from the very core of who I am and what I believe to be true in this world. I am humbled by the growth and transformation I get to see in each and every client session.

Get real like sexy real, Tara

Tara Caffelle is a Relationship and Communication coach. She is passionate about creating connected, almost-uncomfortable-to-watch relationships that are based in Sexy Communication and Big Lives worth rolling around in.

Tara is based in the Lower Mainland of Vancouver and offers custom-designed coaching programs. To claim your free 90+ minutes and see what might be possible for your own super coupledom (or persondom), find a time here.

Have a question for Tara? Have an idea for a Hump Day conversation? How about just some thoughts about this thing called life? Let us know here. We’ll answer back. We promise.

The Squishy Bits of Intimacy

February 3, 2016

Q to Tara from TinaO

A naturopath I once saw said to me that the definition of intimacy is not knowing what is on the other side of this very moment, and sharing that with someone else. How do you define intimacy and why is being comfortable with it so important to our well-being?

There are so many ways to look at intimacy—that’s one of the things I really love about it. It can be as deep as the fondness and trust we feel with the people closest to us, and it can be a glimmer of “we’re in this together” among strangers who are all stuck on the same elevator.

In my world, intimacy all comes down to one word: Connection.

What I know for sure is that we are not meant to exist only on the surface. It would be like only ever talking about the weather. Forever. Right? That very thought makes me want to jab a fork into my own eye and twist it around like I’m swirling spaghetti.

Intimacy is a leap—knowing the deepest, darkest places of ourselves, and then trusting our fellow humans to hold those pieces and not hurt us with them. A client said it beautifully: “It was like he asked to see the most awful, dark and scary parts of me so that he could hold them for me and love them, and give them back in a way that didn’t hurt me as badly. No matter what I threw at him from my dark spaces, it never scared him away.”

In my world, intimacy all comes down to one word: Connection.

I cannot stress enough: when we are intimate with other human beings, it makes our life and our existence take up more space. We are here to touch and be touched and to reach new levels of knowing ourselves through others. And yes, it’s difficult sometimes, so let’s get that out on the table. It’s not always easy, but I promise it’s worth it.

I remember a few years ago I ventured up to my hometown and attended my 20th high school reunion. It was interesting in many ways. As I sat with people who no longer knew me in the day-to-day, I felt the most known I had in a long time: these were the people who watched me grow up and knew the very essence of me. There was no hiding, in the best possible way. Later in the weekend, when I had a meltdown about still being single when all the others seemed to be happy and attached and raising families, I landed at my friends’ home, where I was staying.

…knowing the deepest, darkest places of ourselves, and then trusting our fellow humans to hold those pieces and not hurt us with them.

My best friend of more than 20+ years was actually out of town at a funeral, and her husband was holding down the fort and caring for the four kids. And me, apparently. I have known him just as long as his lovely wife, and he greeted me with a hug and said all the right things. He then invited me to lie on the trampoline, in the dark, to look at the stars. He brought out the iPad, and we identified all the constellations, and it struck me: without it being at all about sex, it was perhaps one of the most intimate moments of my life. I cracked open, he held my broken bits, and squeezed them back together as we looked at the sky, side-by-side in the dark.

And this is what I want people to know and for our kids to grow up watching: intimacy and connection. Seeing people around us, and having what they say matter deeply to us.

When kids see and know the adults in their lives more intimately, including the failings and joys, they are given permission to enjoy a similar connection as they grow with everyone around them. We get to change how the world works, starting with our children. If that isn’t exciting, I don’t know what is.

Intimate connection can be uncomfortable, but it doesn’t have to be too hard to even start. The first step is to be curious and interested. I invite you to try it tonight. Instead of asking your partner or the kids “How was your day?” (to which they will probably reply, “good”), pose a different sort of question:

What was your favourite part of today?

How did you know that I love you today?

How can this day end end in the best possible way?

Yes, it will feel weird at the beginning, but try. And if you get an “I dunno” in response, do what I do with clients and tell them to make something up and then see where it goes.

And I would invite you to branch out and try this with other people in your life, too. Get curious and interested about people who interact with you each day; challenge yourself to relate on a slightly more intimate level with one person at a time and pretty soon you too, will be bored by surface talk about the weather, and crave to know more.

Get Real, like sexy real, Tara

Have a question for Tara? Have an idea for a Hump Day conversation? How about just some thoughts about this thing called life? Let us know here. We’ll answer back. We promise.

Get Nookie With It

January 28, 2016

Q to Tara from TinaO as per last week’s set up (yup, we’re doing this for a month and then we’ll see where our lady C (TaraC that is goes with it).

Tara, last year Todd and I took part in your Nookie November campaign and man oh man did that bring up all of my ‘stuff’ around intimacy! It made my husband super happy and me too of course – but it was also incredibly frustrating as there was nowhere to hide from my own issues around closeness, sharing my body with someone and my control freakiness about having to follow instructions. Why did you launch this program? Surely isn’t wasn’t to trigger our defences… or was it?!

Um. YES.

Nookie November was something I’d been thinking about for a long time and I was so excited to bring it to life. It was homework I gave to clients all the time, so I thought it might benefit couples looking to create a little intimacy on their own.

30 Days of Intimacy sounds fun at the start – you wouldn’t believe how many dudes light right UP when they think they’re gonna get lucky every night for a month – but it really is an actual challenge. Some nights you’re tired, some nights you’re apart if one of you is traveling for work, sometimes your partner is a bit of a jerk and you just want to throw in the mouth guard and fall asleep.

It’s also not always even about sex. Intimacy and sex are very different things that are so often collapsed. The length of the challenge is inherently trigger-worthy on purpose. I know that intimacy, real, intimate intimacy, can set us off. It’s NAKED naked, and there is no where to hide. It’s a deeper layer being uncovered and it can be scary and as you’ve seen, super messy to be in. We often skip over it, avoid it, or just jump right into sex (more about this in a couple of weeks when I talk about my own stuff!), but my job is to challenge the defaults and see if shifts happen.

It’s not always even about sex.

And as I’ll talk about next week, Intimacy – capital “I” Intimacy, is really critical to the success of a relationship. It’s definitely a place where things show up if they’re going to, so I’m not surprised that you noticed some triggers.

Nookie November gave us access to this, the same way that a challenge in The Amazing Race can reveal disrespect or poor communication in a relationship. I was giving you tasks that would either get you to be more connected or would give us a glimmer of growth. Growth is good. And growth from falling outside a comfort zone is the best kind because it actually causes you to take up more space.

I was working with a couple last fall and gave them some sexual/intimate homework – one of the tasks from Nookie November. They came back with a whole pile o’ nasty that we got to unpack; body image issues, and some residual resentment over old hurts and they were missing some of the skills to get through discussing it all effectively. The default had always been to sweep it under the rug and go on with life, but this intimacy piece took them to a whole new place together, and because they were an amazing Super Couple, we folded it all in nicely and we turned hurt into compassion, and resentment into forgiving.

If we choose it, there’s learning in everything and it takes big, fat bravery to actually look at it together. My goal is always to have clients know themselves in a new way, so however that happens, whatever I can do to crack things open a little, I am going to invite clients to dive in. I gently push forward and then catch the debris when it’s messy.

It takes big, fat bravery to actually look at it together

One of my very favourite things – and I think it’s actually a perk of the job – is to witness the sweet intimate levels that couples find together. It inspires me, and it’s truly what gets me out of bed each day. It’s almost uncomfortable, it’s so sweet, and I love it. I get to listen as apologies are made, and partners hear what is happening from the other side and it is an honour every single time to witness as men and women grow and have more of them be truly seen.

It’s my job to create moments where there is opportunity to learn and grow, and this is something I bring into my Super Couple Intensives; it’s like Nookie November on CRACK!

And by the way, if any of this sounds interesting, I am currently accepting couples (a max of 6 that I hand-pick) into my next program that will run from March to June and the first step in is to claim your free consultation with me here.

Get Real, like Sexy Real, Tara

Have a question for Tara? Have an idea for a Hump Day conversation? How about just some thoughts about this thing called life? Let us know here. We’ll answer back. We promise.

Connect to the Power of Your Story

January 27, 2016

When you were a kid did you have a lock and key, gold leaf five year journal? Kind of palm size, perfect for someone under twelve? Did you write KEEP OUT all over it? Did it have a button latch with a key hole across the front? Did you write threatening things inside so that just in case someone dared to crack open your precious life story book that would know the depths of your seriousness? There would be dire consequences to pay.

Did you have one?

Did you know that journaling has been linked to healing?

How the act of writing about stressful things not only makes things better but can prevent them from getting worse?

Did you know about mental health and the power of creative journaling?

Catch a glimpse of Nicolle Nattrass, Live Your Best Story’s – Story Coach and counselor, she knows of what she speaks.

xxT

Want to Live Your Best Story too? You can work with Nicolle by registering for our upcoming retreat here.

Are you a SUPER COUPLE? Bring on HUMP DAY with Tara Caffelle

January 20, 2016

As per yesterday’s teaser, this is TinaOLife’s very own Lady Hump leading the charge on all things relationship. We’re opening her regular weekly Where Relationships Get Real post here at TinaOLife with a question from me, TinaO and you can too – feel free to send us a thought, question, wondering, or quandary below if you have a burning ‘sex, love, intimacy and relationship’ Q as well. Okay… so on to my first question to rock out Tara’s first post…

TinaO – Tara, you know my history with Mr. Todd and that our relationship has been the greatest teacher for both of us (which means it ain’t been easy as you know). You talk about ”super couples”, what does that mean exactly? And do you think it’s possible for everyone?

Tara: The Very Official definition of a Super Couple (based on what I found in the Very Official Urban Dictionary, anyway!) is a couple who “overcomes adversity and repeatedly reunites” – think Soap Opera couples like Luke and Laura or Bo and Hope. (Ah…Remember Bo and Hope? I think I was addicted to them…)

But I digress.

I like this definition well enough, but I would add to it: Super Couples are resilient. They keep seeking and choosing, even when it’s hard and it just plain sucks and it’s the testing-the-vows part of things. The beginning is fun; anyone can do the beginning, when it’s new and the stress hormones are flowing and la-la-la-we-have-the-same-taste-in-music!

Super Couples are in. They are intuitively committed to The Relationship, and not just their own well-being. There is a focus on the other and because each of them is doing this, the relationship benefits.

Super Couples are in.

They’re relentlessly brave. They might be afraid, but they also know the best life is on the other side of the prickly stuff.

They engage in what I call Sexy Conversation. I call it this because it can (and should) resemble sex in many ways; raw, open, noisy, quiet, messy, slippery, connected, naked, open with both parties grinding to have their needs met against the other before everyone lands in a satisfied heap. Right?

They know the prickles and the mess are worth it.

Super Couples take responsibility for their words and actions. They know that the whole idea of a relationship is to set them free, so each lays down the weapons and embraces the glorious person before them as an ally.

I think Super Couple-dom is possible if you want it, but not everyone knows that’s it’s even available. I was with some family over the holidays, and when this cartoon made a huge splash, it occurred to me that not everyone sees or knows the value of all the self-actualization I am so used to.

I obviously think about this stuff all the time and it’s a part of nearly every conversation I have. However, I am fully aware that not every couple, in fact, many couples, just go through life, attending to the responsibilities of getting the kids to hockey practices and birthday parties, not even thinking about their actual connection and how it works or it doesn’t.

I think Super Couple-dom is possible if you want it, but not everyone knows that’s it’s even available.

Who wants to sit around and dissect their relationship? ICK. Most people just know when they’re not happy and that something is off, and aren’t necessarily equipped with the tools to actually do something about it. I like to give people some of these tools. I think most couples are already quite super and have a beautiful roll-with-it quality; I love observing all the things they’re doing well AND I also think that nearly every conscious couple could benefit from a tweak here and there. They take – and I think you and Mr Todd were there – managing life well enough, but there’s a more that’s there to be found if you know to look for it.

It’s like having a satisfying dinner at the White Spot and realizing there’s a section of the menu that Gordon Ramsay will prepare just for you, but you have to know to ask for it. I’m the secret weapon here; I can show you what’s available on the menu and the best way to eat it so it’s crazy delicious.

It will feel like you just had a…Sexy Conversation.

Get real like sexy real, Tara

You can check more of me out here. It’s okay, I’m good with you looking.

Have a question for Tara? Have an idea for a Hump Day conversation? How about just some thoughts about this thing called life? Let us know here. We’ll answer back. We promise.