Project Bandaloop

 

If I was a dancer, this is whom I would be.

I caught myself wondering this morning, at 45 years old,

post three 10lb baby boys created, built, buoyed and birthed through this body,

almost one year aprés radiation sickness zapping the shit out of tonsil cancer, no bum, no boobs, no breath, no boundaries

one month pre-first-5i50-triathlon, All re:, rebuild, restore, renew, reYes to this body, all mine.

Re-mine

Re-mind

it’s mine

With the scars

I’ve shed

of loneliness, harrowing calls for a fucking hand to grasp on to, curdling sobs of nothing, never, hating to ever ask why, with an empty belly of scraps for answers, lost in existential bullshit truthshit myshit – still lost

no,

I’m not

never have been.

Always found but too poetic to call out

found in the same place I came in.

If I was a dancer, I’d do

This.

I love the muscle, the discipline, the dance.

The ache of yearning to touch the unknowable

Throwing myself wild yet held, trusted, caught.

The throb of music speaking to me through me, threw me as me. In the construct of this body, my home for endless unforgiving beauty, relentless fire of scorching purple, passion, my touch down so tender with each flex, muscled palm, arch, heel

toe, pad pad pad

and fly.

I can fucking fly.

launch wide – out out out still more out

there

curve back, looking up, tumbling every which way my body contorts in partnership with the sky.

with him.

with her.

with them.

I surrender wide, full, brazen

glorious

knowing I am held.

That’s what I would be, if I was a dancer.

Thx to Patti Jo for posting this, it completely changed my morning. I didn’t know I was writing today, but clearly, I was.

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xxT

 

 


TinaO is a writer, speaker and the founder of TinaOLife – a hub for all things worth living for, the workshop Live Your Best Story, and her coaching practice:  Tall Poppy Living. She’s also a professional network marketer with a decade in the industry and with her Tall Poppy Living for Network Marketers Coaching Program, she teaches: selling isn’t slimey and marketing isn’t make-believe. You can be yourself and be successful in Direct Sales.

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Boyfriends vs. Husbands

Tara Boyfriends vs, Husbands

This topic came to me a few weeks ago when I saw our delightful TinaO posting on Facebook about her ‘boyfriend’ who is actually her devoted husband:

Tara Screenshot husbands vs. boyfriends

It got me thinking.

What is our default when it comes to relationship?

There is definitely a different tone to a relationship once it gets more serious; less dressing up for one another, more staying in to crash on the sofa with Netflix, and more sharing of…bodily functions.

I think we seek comfort and familiarity and happily fall into easy patterns once we’ve committed to being with someone. In addition, the intoxicating New Relationship Energy that flooded early interactions, causing a euphoria that replaced eating and sleeping, eventually fades so that we can get on with building a life together.

That is all well and good, but I would assert that we get to choose how we are in our relationships, regardless of how long you’ve been in them and being conscious about your behaviour is the key.

If you’ve been a wife or a husband so long that you don’t remember dating, try this on:  behave in a way that feels like you are back in the land of wooing your mate; dress up for your time together, make some plans, hold the door open, make your signature recipe, give a back rub…you get to decide. I invite you to be conscious and notice how you were and also how you are.

As always, don’t be shy, let me know how it goes and what you discover over in Tara’s Play Space on Facebook.

Tara Cafelle Where

Get Real, Sexy Real

Tara

 

 


Tara Caffelle is a Relationship and Communication coach.  She is passionate about creating connected, almost-uncomfortable-to-watch relationships that are based in Sexy Communication and Big Lives worth rolling around in.

Tara is based in the Lower Mainland of Vancouver and offers custom-designed coaching programs. To claim your free 90+ minutes and see what might be possible for your own super coupledom (or persondom), find a time here.

Have a question for Tara?  Have an idea for a Hump Day conversation?   How about just some thoughts about this thing called life? Let us know here.  We’ll answer back.  We promise.

Tara Caffelle VLOG#2 – Netflix, Men and Relationships

Netflix Love and Relationships

Intro from me, TinaO:

Okay… I know legendary actor John Cusack crosses generations of fans. If you’re over 40 and you’re a woman, you probably had his TigerBeat picture on your locker.  If you’re under 30, I bet you know who he is, and I’m almost positive you’ve seen his iconic Say Anything boombox scene haven’t you?  And if not, you’ve witnessed his rainy romantic, heart fluttering scene replicated in multiple movies since, you just didn’t know it. It’s true, Say Anything slayed us children of the 80s women in the same way The Graduate and Love Story did in the 60s and the 70s, and When Harry Met Sally and Sleepless in Seattle did in the 90s and then Love Actually, Knocked up and Juno in the the 2000s.  We LOVE our RELATIONSHIP MOVIES don’t we?

John Cusack boom box

Today, in 2016, not only do we get to witness lots of gritty love drama in our favourite shows like: House of Cards, Scandal and The Walking Dead (btw we are in a gruesome era of love aren’t we?), but we can also access the progression of LOVE and RELATIONSHIPS over the decades on NETFLIX.

Hmmm… here’s what our Relationship Guru lady Tara Caffelle has to say about it in her very own new love-mobile (no, not mobile like mobile phone, but mobeel as in vehicle).

Enjoy…

WATCH HERE:


 

Tara Caffelle is a Relationship and Communication coach.  She is passionate about creating connected, almost-uncomfortable-to-watch relationships that are based in Sexy Communication and Big Lives worth rolling around in.

Tara is based in the Lower Mainland of Vancouver and offers custom-designed coaching programs. To claim your free 90+ minutes and see what might be possible for your own super coupledom (or persondom), find a time here.

Have a question for Tara?  Have an idea for a Hump Day conversation?   How about just some thoughts about this thing called life? Let us know here.  We’ll answer back.  We promise.

I Give a Damn in 15 Minutes

I give a damn

I have fifteen minutes before I have a bunch of mom stuff to do – you know, drop kid #1 here, drop #2 there, pick up #3 as I make sure the dog doesn’t eat the butter off the counter, or dash off with his favourite slipper in his mouth… oi… momdom is sometimes planet stupid.

So I challenged myself to fill 15 minutes with a blog post to you, about LIFE, LIVING and giving a damn.

What do you give a damn about? – sidebar: my dad used to say it: “I don’t give a damn!” – come to think of it, I’m not sure I’ve ever heard give a damn in the positive… “Tina Overbury, what do you give a damn about?” -never too perfect than the present right?

This is my living story. The uncanned. The unknown. The surrendered. This is what I give a damn about, unfiltered.

My fucking legs. Yes, I’m swearing. Fbombing about my muscled legs.  When I was a teenager, I thought I was too big, too bulky, too much for jeans. I could never find a pair of boots that fit because my bloody English calves were too full bodied.  Today I love them. They are super woman strong. They carry me, they’ve carried 150lbs of children (I’ve had three of them and gained 50lbs each time). They’ve moved me for hours. They currently pedal my bike, run my feet and kick my torso through the water. I am training for my first triathlon and I wouldn’t be able to say that if I didn’t have, or love my fucking legs.

My heart that beats through my children. Why did that come out that way? I don’t know. I suppose it’s because they come from me, through me and should I die before them (which please God, let that be so), that a piece of the spirit from my heart can fly into theirs giving them even more beats, more blood, more pounding life in their veins. I lost my mom when I was eight and I can still feel her inside my chest.

I give a damn about this fractured planet we’re living in and building on. It’s as if we don’t understand, or we forget that we can’t pour concrete on uneven ground. It’s time for us all to go back and nurture this earth that we’re so madly chasing the dream of building our super life on. There’s just so many things wildly bizarre about that. I wanted to say wrong, but caught myself – who am I to say wrong?  As if I’m the expert. But I will say, incessant building, hammering, rising, chasing, shouldering and drag racing our top ten goals day after day after day after day after day on top of this soil that we’ve yet to mend – is really a recipe for silliness. I’d be angry, but I’m not. I’m not even sad or worried, I just don’t get it. But again, I’m not the one who knows am I?  I give a damn about unfracturing our fractured foundation.

I give a damn about those who think, believe, and then choose to give up on their life. I deeply damn well, damn do, damn damn damn damn do care about those who don’t…care…anymore. Those who don’t  give a… well, you know.

Damn.

I love them. I love them. I do.

I give a damn.

I give a damn about life.

and living.

and loving.

and being.

and doing the work I’m designed to do.

I’m not going to get all preachy on you – because then I’d be hiding from writing.

I just did.

hid that is.

I give a damn and maybe that’s the only thing I needed to say in these 15 minutes that I have two left to fill.

I give

a

damn.

img_0047.jpg

xxT

 

 

 


TinaO is a writer, speaker and the founder of TinaOLife – a hub for all things worth living for, the workshop Live Your Best Story, and her coaching practice:  Tall Poppy Living. She’s also a professional network marketer with a decade in the industry and with her Tall Poppy Living for Network Marketers Coaching Program, she teaches: selling isn’t slimey and marketing isn’t make-believe. You can be yourself and be successful in Direct Sales.

My Name is Tara and I’m a Jackass

Thoughts on Jackassery

You know what word I have written an alarming number of times in the last year?

JACKASS.

And also Jackassery and Jackassness.

Yes, I like to make up words, but this is a brilliant way to describe a lot of behaviours. I am the one pointing all of this out, but don’t think it’s because I am some magical non- jackass unicorn: I assure you I am not. I am just willing to call it out, and do what I need to correct my course.

There are many places where I see Jackassness:

In my work: when coaches start charging double and triple their rates in some sort of pissing contest to make clients prove they want to invest in the work, it feels like Jackassery to me. I won’t do it. Even eight years into this, I am still quite an affordable coach, and I intuitively charge what the work with any given client feels like it wants to be. It’s a little woo, but it works for me. When I do find myself more concerned with the invoice than being of service to the beautiful humans in front of me, I often apologize and bring it back to a place that feels right.

In traffic: I have a real strong value around fairness and consideration, so when some JACKASS cruises up the shoulder to get a car length ahead of me, or isn’t bothering to pay attention at a stoplight when it turns green, I often get a little incensed and let it get the better of me. I have also been the jackass in this; I’ve blocked an entrance to a parking lot while creeping along in traffic, and when the guy who couldn’t get into said parking lot asked me what my problem was (I am paraphrasing some very colourful language, here), I joined him in his anger and flipped him off. I know. I’m such a nice human.

In my friendships: many years ago, seemingly before I had a compassionate bone in my body, a dear friend of mine lost her dad, very suddenly. I was heartbroken for her, obviously, but you know what I said to her when we spoke weeks later? “I was disappointed that you didn’t call on me to support you in that.” Ouch. Jackassery. Right there. I quickly realized what a jerk thing to say that really was, and apologized, but I think it was a thorn between us for a long time.

In my dog-parenting: there are days that are legitimately full, where I am coaching and in meetings, and dashing off to the gym and whatever else I have planned, and the poor dog, to whom I was a single dog parent for a long time, slips to the bottom of the priority ladder. On other days, I am not as booked up, but just a lazy Jackass, and all I make time for is a quick stroll around the neighbourhood. I can’t fool Baxter, who gives me a look that says he knows very well that I have time for an actual dog adventure (Jackass level? MASTER).

In my relationships: I could list off a few examples here…there have been times when I’ve been thoughtless, selfish, and just a complete Jackass. I have whined when I am having a bad day and my partner is dealing with stress and unable to drop everything to appease me. When plans have changed because of a family or work obligation for my mate, I have been passive-aggressive in my disapproval.

Trust me, there has been plenty of Jackassery.

I think the key is what we DO about it. It’s in the recovery. I used to work for a fairly large rail tour company and I loved the mantra for any sort of SNAFU or chaos that disturbed the guests’ pleasure: “It’s all in the recovery.” Damn straight. The value lies in how it’s actually left.

Jack Assery

I love that I get to apologize and make it right. I love that I get to be vulnerable and get closer to the people around me as I pull open my super-hero costume just a little and show my human-ness. Yes, it’s been hard, I won’t sugar coat that, but because I have been willing (not always, but a lot of the time) to call myself out, it’s worked out well, after all.

Sometimes we don’t get to make it right, as happens when I am in traffic beating myself up or hating on the people around me. That’s when I say say to myself, “Look at that lovely human, doing the best they can.” It helps. Sometimes.

So here’s my TinaO invitation this week: notice your Jackassery and then own it. Make it right somewhere. Try saying this: “I’m sorry. I was a total jackass earlier and it was not my intention. Can we have that conversation again and I’ll be nicer?”

Let me know how it goes, okay? I’ll be busy taking the dog on an adventure and making some apology calls.

Tara Cafelle Where

 

Get Real, Sexy Real

Tara

 


Tara Caffelle is a Relationship and Communication coach.  She is passionate about creating connected, almost-uncomfortable-to-watch relationships that are based in Sexy Communication and Big Lives worth rolling around in.

Tara is based in the Lower Mainland of Vancouver and offers custom-designed coaching programs. To claim your free 90+ minutes and see what might be possible for your own super coupledom (or persondom), find a time here.

Have a question for Tara?  Have an idea for a Hump Day conversation?   How about just some thoughts about this thing called life? Let us know here.  We’ll answer back.  We promise.

Chuck that Shit – Tara Caffelle Vlog

chuck that shit

So, I have a bit of a love affair with the peeps on this site. I fell for Tara when we first sat down together a number of years ago and as is the courtship thang… love happens incrementally. So here’s the thing:  I love listening to this gal. A few weekends ago we hooked up for a cuppa joe and some eggs and caught up on life, love and our vision.

2016-04-30 14.09.49

I said to her:  Thought bubble! oh man… I just had a thought! Would you be willing to VLOG for TinaOLife?  There’s an energy to you that comes through only in experiencing you. You’ve got this kooky coolness that I think a vlog would capture differently than your writing.  What do you think?

Guess what she said…

ummmm YES!  

So here she is… speaking straight to you about making space by CHUCKING THAT SHIT… 

Tara Cafelle Where

 

Get Real, Sexy Real

Tara

 


Tara Caffelle is a Relationship and Communication coach.  She is passionate about creating connected, almost-uncomfortable-to-watch relationships that are based in Sexy Communication and Big Lives worth rolling around in.

Tara is based in the Lower Mainland of Vancouver and offers custom-designed coaching programs. To claim your free 90+ minutes and see what might be possible for your own super coupledom (or persondom), find a time here.

Have a question for Tara?  Have an idea for a Hump Day conversation?   How about just some thoughts about this thing called life? Let us know here.  We’ll answer back.  We promise.

Dear Tina, Tell me About Tired


Dear Tina, tell me about tired.

Tell me about tired because it’s a constant I see on me, and on other people. 

Tired, Tina is a place to live in, a land to visit, a place to put up camp, a place to build shop, a home for dead relationships, a cemetery of sorts that we choose to walk on. 

When you are tired Tina, you are walking on dead things and disturbing their rest so their hands reach up to grab you to remind you to move on. 


We are dead, we are your past, we are yesterday. This is not your home it is ours.  Move on from here. Your life is not in this pasture. 

Dead tired is the title of that story. 

Tired that is physical is very different. It’s the home you live in telling you its boards are creaking and needs to be warmed up, loved and cared for.

It’s the cold air in your home saying, we need you.  We are lonely and so we are cold. You are abandoning me and so we are cold. 
It is the door frames of your home sagging sagging sagging from the weight of holding holding holding, and the doors begin to want to stay closed and not open anymore. 

A physical tired needs rest, needs care, needs attention, needs you to hold it. 

The tired of weary is the tired of the trekker, the tired of the quest, the tired of the road, the journey of not seeing the shore. 


The weary tired is a tired of transformation, it’s not tired at all, it’s masked as tired, it’s fear of the unknown telling you I’m afraid we’re going nowhere – it’s asking you to listen to the feet on the path, listen to the ground or the water or the air touching your feet.  

Listen intently. Listen deeply. Listen as there are choices to be made from the stories you are ignoring. 

Tired is a story with so much information in it. 

Xxt 

Interested in my Dear Tina practice?  Want to receive my free e-course to start your own?  Sign up here. 

TinaO is a writer, speaker and the founder of TinaOLife – a hub for all things worth living for, the workshop Live Your Best Story, and her coaching practice: Tall Poppy Living. She’s also a professional network marketer with a decade in the industry and with her Tall Poppy Living for Network Marketers Coaching Program, she teaches: selling isn’t slimey and marketing isn’t make-believe. You can be yourself and be successful in Direct Sales.

Apples, for Milton

Rodney - Apples

APPLES (for Milton M.)

It was snowing in Vancouver the day you died. I was repainting my apartment, covering Mediterranean blue walls with layers of eggshell white paint. I was determined to work through the day and into the night until the job was done. I’d stopped to make lunch when the phone rang. It was Earl.

You need to go see Milton, Rodney. Ruby says he’s only got another day. Maybe two.

I thanked him and ended the call. I hurriedly showered scrubbing paint from my skin and hair. I ironed my clothes and quickly dressed. At the door I looked back into the apartment. The furniture and carpet were covered by white sheets, as if the falling snow had fallen inside the walls as well. The blue paint dark beneath the first coat of white was flowing water under ice too thin to walk on. I took the residential streets to the hospital. The black branches of the giant, leafless oaks arched above me like the charred roof of a burnout cathedral. I listened to the silence of the snowed-in streets as I walked to find some calm. The hallway to your room was wide, the bleached white floor shined like the full moon’s gaunt face on a winter’s night. The smell of human waste rose from canvas hampers filled with soiled bedding and gowns. Empty wheelchairs sagged askew by walls. I passed quiet rooms, the patients hidden in their beds behind beige curtains. I entered your room and sat by your bed to watch you sleep. It was as if someone had left a shrunken mask of the face I knew lying on the pillow. I held your hand. It was cold as the snow falling on the city. A nurse came into the room pushing a cart. She pulled a narrow table across your bed where she placed a tray and cutlery.

Rodney I held your hand

Would you like to feed him?

Sure. I replied

Milton! said the nurse loudly. Wake up. It’s time for lunch.

You stared at the nurse. Ruby? you asked.

She’s coming later Milton. You have a visitor. The nurse pointed to me.

Where’s Ruby? you asked me.

She’s coming later Milton.

Who are you?

I’m Rodney.

Rodney’s going to help you eat your lunch.

He likes the applesauce. said the nurse as she took the cart and pushed it from the room.

You tried to lift your head from the bed, but fell back on the pillow. Your hands grasped the railings, but still you were too weak to lift yourself. You kept saying

No, I won’t! No, no, I won’t!

I leaned my face in front of yours. Milton! Hi!
Your eyes found me and you grinned. Milt, It’s Rodney.

Hey Rod.
Are you hungry? Can I give you some food?
Okay. you replied watching me.

I picked up a spoon and dipped it in the applesauce and moved it to your mouth. You closed your dry lips around it and swallowed. Those apples are good! Your eyes shined like polished fruit as the boy took your voice.

Rodney Apples

I fed you several times and after each you asked for more until you shut your eyes. I stayed another hour, holding your hand as you slept. When I first got sober you’d drop me off at the small room I called home, saying before I left your car

You’re alright babe. You just don’t know it yet.


 

Rodney Stupid Boy in an Ugly Town

Rodney DeCroo is a songwriter, poet and playwright. He has released 6 full-length albums, an album of poetry set to music (Allegheny), a book of poetry (Allegheny, BC) and a theatre production (Stupid Boy in an Ugly Town) that received critical acclaim at several Canadian fringe and writers festivals. DeCroo wrestles with regret, loss, aging, love, memory, death, art—always with his own ongoing recovery embedded in the background. DeCroo’s album and performances draw upon his greatest natural resource—his poetry.

Want to buy his music?  Find him here on itunes.  Want to catch him in concert? Check out his calendar here.

The Magic of Slowing Down

Tara The Magic of

About a year ago, I was heading into what I would call kick-in-the-ass time when it came to my business. After some hiccups and personal issues, I was ready to take it on in a new way and realize some serious success.

And so I did what I always do: made some lists, set up some meetings, strategized like a nut (complete with giant flip charts on the walls) and got my Poop in a Group, so to speak. I also asked for recommendations of business coaches and started the process of interviewing them and looking for a good fit.

The first one I spoke with was a skilled pit bull. She gave me a pile of homework on our initial call – by doing it all I was meant to both prove myself as a client and decide if I really wanted to work with her. I flew into a familiar flurry of homework and producing and all that.

In that time, I also had a call with another coach (the one I ended up hiring) and it was Magical. I think we both fell in coach love in the first five minutes of the call, and as I learned to embrace a slower, softer, tenderer way of being in my business, I was hooked and I am still working with her now.

My biggest learning from my coach was to slow down before gearing up. To stop and allow silence to show me what was next. As a result, I took loads of time off, and stopped working so hard. I took silent retreats where I wrote and napped and gazed out the window at pretty mountains. And huge ideas came. Insights came. Every possible thing came.

Tara slow down before

My business has grown exponentially; in the first few months of this year, I have already surpassed ALL that I did last year in the whole year.

In this process, I committed to listening to my intuition, and to treating myself, my clients and my business as tenderly and compassionately as I could. I focused on holding all of the balls I juggle loosely and with love. I slowed down. My mantra became “What got me here won’t get me there.” All of the ways of being had only gotten me so far, and I was being called to operate in a whole new way in order to move ahead. I started to sweetly surrender to all that would come my way without me having to work my ass off to get it.

“What got me here won’t get me there.”

Why am I telling you all this? I hope you know by now that I relate nearly everything to relationships. This slowing-down-to-go-further approach actually applies to everything.

When we don’t slow it down, we deplete. Our cup runs out. If we don’t put the proverbial oxygen mask on ourselves first, we have nothing to give anyone else.

Slowing down allows life to catch up. It gives us space to more easily suck the marrow out of all that we do and care about.

And I know that it sounds counter-productive, to stop and rest in order to get ahead. I will point to the marathon runners who rest even for a minute periodically as they run, and find they get a better time at the end of the race. And I will point out that when you are on the highway and want to pass a giant, slow-moving vehicle, you must gear down (becoming more powerful) before you can clear what’s in your way.

In relationships, this shows up as “busy”: over-scheduled kids, and stressed adults who go from thing to thing to thing without stopping. In the doing of it all, we forget the being of it. We lose sight of how incredible the flawed and beautiful person is that we wake up with each day and have chosen to spend our life with. We forget what’s really important: our connections and relationships.

Tara Heart Slowing Down

Slowing down and holding our partners, children and our own well-being with exquisite care, compassion and gentleness allows our relationships to flourish. We get to bask in the affection of our mate, fill our energy banks up, connect with our why, and carry on renewed and inspired.

Please try it. Because what got you here might not get you there. Because maybe there’s some sweetness in slowing down, and maybe you’ll see a new way of being together that you like. Cancel some plans and declare a “family day” of movies and ice cream and pyjamas.

Or, if you really want to slow down and truly reconnect with your partner, try this: sign up for my Relationship Rendezvous – a weekend intimacy challenge that may involve some nakkidness. It’s my mission to slow this world down and make it just a little more delicious as we do.

Tara Cafelle Where

 

Get Real, Sexy Real

Tara

 


Tara Caffelle is a Relationship and Communication coach.  She is passionate about creating connected, almost-uncomfortable-to-watch relationships that are based in Sexy Communication and Big Lives worth rolling around in.

Tara is based in the Lower Mainland of Vancouver and offers custom-designed coaching programs. To claim your free 90+ minutes and see what might be possible for your own super coupledom (or persondom), find a time here.

Have a question for Tara?  Have an idea for a Hump Day conversation?   How about just some thoughts about this thing called life? Let us know here.  We’ll answer back.  We promise.

 

Dear Soul Dude – What is my Life’s Purpose?

TinaOLife's Dear Soul Dude...Yesterday I announced that Soul Interpreter, Chris Dierkes will be sharing a regular post here on TinaOLife. If you missed it, here is what I’m so thrilled about.

Today we launch Chris’ column “Dear Soul Dude” and he’s chosen to nail a biggie:  the soul and your life’s purpose. Oh boy. How many sleepless nights have you had rolling that question around over and over and over and over and over…? It makes my stomach flip just thinking about it. A few years ago I would wake up between 3am and 4am almost every night just twitching with this question. I would sedate myself with netflix in order to go back to sleep, usually by 6am, just when my ‘duties’ as mom was starting.

I love that we’re opening up Chris’ column with this delicious topic. Have a read. What are your thoughts? What are your questions? We’ll be sure to respond just as quickly as time allows. Ready?  Let’s dive in!


My Life's Purpose

I want you to help me find my purpose.

I want to discover my purpose in life.

When I talk to individuals considering entering into a soul work process this is the most common complaint and desire they bring with them.

I empathize with the sincere desire that underlies the statement. I think framing the the issue as finding or discovering one’s purpose is causing people huge amounts of unnecessary suffering and pain.

I believe wanting to discover your purpose in life is really problematic. But please hear what I am and am not saying in that statement. Undoubtedly the desire to express your soul is genuine. Conceiving of and framing that desire as finding or discovering your purpose is very bad.

Why? Seems sorta nuts to oppose people finding their purpose in life no? It might be a foolhardy quest but I’m going to try to persuade you that trying to find your purpose is an unhelpful approach to life. In order to get there however we first need a little background on the nature of the soul and its desires. Once we do that I hope you’ll understand why I’m arguing against looking to discover or find your purpose in life.

Be Careful (How You Frame) What You Wish For

The soul works through irresistible impulse, deep desire, and profound pull. The soul is a kind of generative germinator, a locus of longing. The soul is tidal; it’s energies build and gather intensity like the ocean’s waves. The passions of a soul incite it to movement and motivate it to action. The soul’s surge is an impulsion; it is kinetic, charged, dynamic.

Impulsion, drive, longing, these are the urges and surges of the soul.

Now the next step is to learn the fine art of creatively and judiciously beginning to ride those tidal impulses of the soul, to put those soul impulsions into concrete language. This path involves giving voice to these deep urges of the soul by letting them coalesce into intentions.

Intentions act as frames, as containers for these deeper-than-words groanings of the soul. Intentions give shape, consistency, and meaning to the soul’s sighs.

Intentions then are crucially important. There is a sweet spot where an intention has enough concreteness to give tangible shape and profile to a soul longing and yet is not so dense that it flattens the soul’s desire. This process of moulding a soul’s instincts into a life-giving intention is an art not a science. In other words, not all intentions are created equal. Some intentions, some containers are more congruent to the subtlety and power of a soul desire. Some less so.

The soul is more like an inclination. Soul longings incline in certain directions. They incline away from other directions. But these inclinations, these urges are not yet to be so narrowly defined as to efface the multiple ways that these longings can be practically realized and expressed.

The soul is more like an inclination.

As it comes to this particular topic of life path, the deep longing, the primordial urging of a soul, is to express its true nature, to irradiate the world with its singular light. This is universally the case for all souls.

That impulse is deeply felt by people. It’s a beautiful one. It’s very real.

Here then comes the mistake (in my view). That beautiful impulse of a soul is then interpreted and framed as needing to “find my purpose in life.” In naming the deep soul longing as such the person has inadvertently already begun to lose touch with the deeper impulse. They accurately sensed it but they have unfortunately mislabeled it and badly framed it.

The impulse is valid. The framework of interpretation is not. The latter distorts the former. What is needed then is the felt sense of the underlying tidal surging of the soul AND a more adequate frame to understand it, to seek to concretely surf it.

Finding Means Something Is Lost

If you begin with the proposition that you want to find your purpose you are describing your purpose as lost. When people say to me “they are looking for their purpose in life”, I’ll point my eyes up to the ceiling or look out the window or under the chair I’m sitting on. Looking for your purpose? Where? Where would a soul’s purpose happen to be?

I hear people describe finding their soul’s purpose or locating it like it was a buried pirate treasure. Unfortunately far too many practitioners (in my experience) play into this problematic dynamic. They sell themselves as helping someone “locate” their lost purpose as if it were indeed some kind of buried treasure. Practitioners will even claim they have some special map to their client’s purpose, complete with an X to mark the spot of the (other) soul’s inherent desires. Once someone becomes the expert on locating your lost soul purpose, they can immediately sell you this fanciful dream (or is it a nightmare?).

Looking for your purpose? Where? Where would a soul’s purpose happen to be?

The central error here is that the purpose of a soul is intrinsic to the soul itself.

The purpose is not somewhere else. Consequently you do not need to go on a journey to locate your supposedly lost soul purpose. You need not look outside yourself. There’s no reason for you to adopt some formulaic three, four, five, or ten step formula to activating your soul’s growth, potential, and purpose.

There’s the old saying of “if it ain’t broke don’t fix it.” In this case it would be “if it ain’t lost don’t find it.”

Your soul’s purpose is not lost. It’s inherent to the soul of you, to the soul of anything or anyone. The philosopher Aristotle described the soul as the animating principle, the essential mover of a being. In other words, that deep generative longing. That is inherent to you as an incarnate soul.

So there is no need to bring in some outside set of actions in order to “locate” your soul’s purpose. All that needs to happen is to let your soul out. What people call their purpose is really just the unfolding of their soul.

Consequently there’s no reason to abdicate your soul’s sovereignty to someone else, to some expert (self-proclaimed, valid or otherwise). All that is needed is learning to attend to the generative impulses of your soul that are always already motivating you from the depths. And then from there learning how to let them move, form, and solidify into life-giving, creative, loving action.

If you say you are looking to find your soul purpose then you will seek outwardly in vain. You will seek elsewhere than directly where you need to, namely the core animating tides of your soul. I use words like tides, urges, impulsions to describe this mysterious quality of soul because they speak to the subtle nature of the soul, to the soul’s fluidity.

Looking for your soul’s purpose is disempowering. It’s meant to be empowering but sadly it’s the exact opposite.

That’s the main reason I believe looking for your purpose is well-intentioned but nevertheless flawed. There are a few other major reasons as well, which I want to mention just briefly.

Such as, the soul is not bound by a or any purpose.

The soul doesn’t have a purpose. The soul is purposeful.

The key is to express the nature of your soul as it is. That is intrinsically meaningful, purposeful, and creative. It is so much simpler and more heartfelt than “finding your soul’s purpose.”

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Peace, Chris 


 

Chris is a long time spiritual practitioner and teacher. Raised in the Roman Catholic tradition, he has had a lifelong love affair with the Christian mystical tradition, however he is also well versed in a diverse range of lineages and teachings. He’s a strong advocate for shamanic forms of healing work and consciousness, as well as being a Reiki Master in three lineages of Reiki.

He works with with clients from a variety of backgrounds: from different religious traditions, spiritual but not religious folks, agnostics, seekers, and atheists.

He spent four years living as a monk in his twenties and later worked for three years as an Anglican priest in Vancouver. 

He is a soul interpreter and an energy healer. 

Chris lives in Vancouver with his beloved wife Chloe (a doula) and their daughter Sage.

Have a question for Chris? Want to check out his blog? Want to find out more?  Check out his website and be sure to leave him a message below okay?