Soulset Archives - Page 6 of 7

What’s your Relationship Story?

February 11, 2016

If you’ve been following along on our Hump Day Wednesdays with Tara Caffelle, Where Relationships Get Real, I’m sure you’ve noticed that I get the conversation started with questions that I’m personally seeking answers to. We’ve looked at: Why is intimacy so important? , What’s the deal with Nookie November? , and What is a Super Couple? So today, it seems only fitting on Love Week… ahem, on the hump of Valentines Day that we get up close and personal with the relationship lady herself. Here’s my question for Tara:

Okay Tara… this is the tell all question. Most of us fall into a passion profession because we’ve been lead there by our own experiences. Come on now… bare all. What’s your ‘relationship’ or ‘intimacy’ story???

Tara: Oh yes. My own experience led me deep into this work—you’ve got me there. I have always, always been interested in relationships. When I was growing up, I’d watch the adults around me and listen quietly as my Mum discussed life events with my aunts and her friends. I probably learned more than I should have, but even then I can remember being able to figure people out. In my twenties, I remember annoying a date when I fell asleep during the epic battle scenes from Lord of the Rings. What can I say? The battles didn’t involve conversation. There wasn’t anything relationshippy for me to entertain myself with. Jeeez.

There’s been one relationship in my life that, even though it has shifted and actually ended, has informed almost every piece of my work and how I hold my clients.

I met my (former) husband when I was 21 at what was the very beginning of what we now know as online dating. (Writing that makes me feel like such a dinosaur! Next I’ll tell you how I had to walk uphill both ways to school in the winter with bearskin shoes!). In any case, we met and fell in love and lived quite happily together for about 14 years.

In 2010 we split up very amicably, even sharing custody of our basset hound. As it happened, at the tail end of our relationship, after YEARS of floundering in various careers and never feeling completely fulfilled, I had (finally) found what I felt I was called to do… That was coaching.

As we navigated separating after such a long time together, we carefully designed how we wanted to be.

In coaching, we say that we “design our alliance,” which means the coach and client decide how it’s going to be when they’re together. We talk about what feels respectful, and what will be the most effective, and we form a team that will help the client reach their outcomes. When my husband and I decided to part ways, I brought a lot of coaching-esque stuff into our conversations: I expressed that I wanted to land in a friendship at some point, and that I didn’t blame him for what was happening. We continually asked for what we needed (space, patience, silence, etc) and were able to transition through a whole lot of grieving into a space where we held on to our friendship.

As we navigated separating after such a long time together, we carefully designed how we wanted to be.

Our friendship, after all, had always been a great part of our life together.

That process showed me, first-hand, how relationships can be, even as they end and especially as they end. Until then, I’d been working primarily as a life coach with individuals (and I still do), but I began to work more specifically with relationships, recognizing that we have them with everyone in our lives (from the barista who gets us our coffee in the morning to the person we land in bed with at the end of the day). I realized they could all be designed and customized to fit the people in them.

This led me to working as a doula, supporting parents who were about to welcome new babies into the world. As I met with those couples, I noticed I was always asking the same questions:

What are you doing for your relationship before this little person arrives?

Have you considered that you will never again be “just a couple” and will forevermore be a “family”?

These conversations were incredibly satisfying; I loved knowing I was having an impact on how the world would greet and care for those sweet little muffins.

From there, I became an educator for The Gottman Institute; I guide couples through both The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work and the Bringing Baby Home programs, and I fold this work into all that I know about sex, communication, relationships, leadership and designing a union that works and lasts.

But along the way I realized I also had some work to do on myself. It would take courage, openness and tremendous strength.

While my ex-husband and I made an excellent Team together (IKEA assembly skills: MASTER) and were the very best of friends, there was a layer of intimacy that was missing between us that I see more clearly now that I am out of it. I know now that there was a fundamental “holding back” between us.

In 2008, before we separated, we went through a bit of a relationship crisis and realized the outcome was uncertain. We actually had a successful open relationship for the last few years of our marriage, and within that there was experimentation, both together and apart. I was introduced to the world of consensual non-monogamy, which has given me an open-minded acceptance that I bring to my work (many of my clients come from non-monogamous relationships and seek support in making them work).

Since our separation in 2010 (and at the time of writing this in February of 2016) I have essentially been mostly single and in a constant journey of growth and exploration . I have learned the difference between physical intimacy (I used to readily hand over my body and think I was allowing someone to get close to me) and emotional intimacy—the In-to-me-see intimacy.

But along the way I realized I also had some work to do on myself. It would take courage, openness and tremendous strength.

The former is no longer satisfying to me, and although the latter challenges me every day to bare my inner layers, I challenge myself to do it because I know it is ultimately a more satisfying way to live.

I no longer tolerate small talk about the weather; I seek Big Conversations that leave my soul touched and my mind fuller.

In late 2014, my beloved ex-husband began to struggle with his mental health quite seriously. In May of 2015, he took his own life.

As someone who knew him for half of my life and loved him as a partner and a friend, it was both an honour and tremendously stressful to support him during the last six months of his life. I speak openly about it so that the stigma around mental health can be brought into the open.

There is not a single moment that he is not with me as I do my work in the world. His life and his death have helped me to zero-in on what is really important: our relationships, our connections, the way our children see us communicating and relating to each other, and the safe place to land that we all deserve.

So yes, Tina, to answer your question: my work comes from the very core of who I am and what I believe to be true in this world. I am humbled by the growth and transformation I get to see in each and every client session.

Get real like sexy real, Tara

Tara Caffelle is a Relationship and Communication coach. She is passionate about creating connected, almost-uncomfortable-to-watch relationships that are based in Sexy Communication and Big Lives worth rolling around in.

Tara is based in the Lower Mainland of Vancouver and offers custom-designed coaching programs. To claim your free 90+ minutes and see what might be possible for your own super coupledom (or persondom), find a time here.

Have a question for Tara? Have an idea for a Hump Day conversation? How about just some thoughts about this thing called life? Let us know here. We’ll answer back. We promise.

The Squishy Bits of Intimacy

February 3, 2016

Q to Tara from TinaO

A naturopath I once saw said to me that the definition of intimacy is not knowing what is on the other side of this very moment, and sharing that with someone else. How do you define intimacy and why is being comfortable with it so important to our well-being?

There are so many ways to look at intimacy—that’s one of the things I really love about it. It can be as deep as the fondness and trust we feel with the people closest to us, and it can be a glimmer of “we’re in this together” among strangers who are all stuck on the same elevator.

In my world, intimacy all comes down to one word: Connection.

What I know for sure is that we are not meant to exist only on the surface. It would be like only ever talking about the weather. Forever. Right? That very thought makes me want to jab a fork into my own eye and twist it around like I’m swirling spaghetti.

Intimacy is a leap—knowing the deepest, darkest places of ourselves, and then trusting our fellow humans to hold those pieces and not hurt us with them. A client said it beautifully: “It was like he asked to see the most awful, dark and scary parts of me so that he could hold them for me and love them, and give them back in a way that didn’t hurt me as badly. No matter what I threw at him from my dark spaces, it never scared him away.”

In my world, intimacy all comes down to one word: Connection.

I cannot stress enough: when we are intimate with other human beings, it makes our life and our existence take up more space. We are here to touch and be touched and to reach new levels of knowing ourselves through others. And yes, it’s difficult sometimes, so let’s get that out on the table. It’s not always easy, but I promise it’s worth it.

I remember a few years ago I ventured up to my hometown and attended my 20th high school reunion. It was interesting in many ways. As I sat with people who no longer knew me in the day-to-day, I felt the most known I had in a long time: these were the people who watched me grow up and knew the very essence of me. There was no hiding, in the best possible way. Later in the weekend, when I had a meltdown about still being single when all the others seemed to be happy and attached and raising families, I landed at my friends’ home, where I was staying.

…knowing the deepest, darkest places of ourselves, and then trusting our fellow humans to hold those pieces and not hurt us with them.

My best friend of more than 20+ years was actually out of town at a funeral, and her husband was holding down the fort and caring for the four kids. And me, apparently. I have known him just as long as his lovely wife, and he greeted me with a hug and said all the right things. He then invited me to lie on the trampoline, in the dark, to look at the stars. He brought out the iPad, and we identified all the constellations, and it struck me: without it being at all about sex, it was perhaps one of the most intimate moments of my life. I cracked open, he held my broken bits, and squeezed them back together as we looked at the sky, side-by-side in the dark.

And this is what I want people to know and for our kids to grow up watching: intimacy and connection. Seeing people around us, and having what they say matter deeply to us.

When kids see and know the adults in their lives more intimately, including the failings and joys, they are given permission to enjoy a similar connection as they grow with everyone around them. We get to change how the world works, starting with our children. If that isn’t exciting, I don’t know what is.

Intimate connection can be uncomfortable, but it doesn’t have to be too hard to even start. The first step is to be curious and interested. I invite you to try it tonight. Instead of asking your partner or the kids “How was your day?” (to which they will probably reply, “good”), pose a different sort of question:

What was your favourite part of today?

How did you know that I love you today?

How can this day end end in the best possible way?

Yes, it will feel weird at the beginning, but try. And if you get an “I dunno” in response, do what I do with clients and tell them to make something up and then see where it goes.

And I would invite you to branch out and try this with other people in your life, too. Get curious and interested about people who interact with you each day; challenge yourself to relate on a slightly more intimate level with one person at a time and pretty soon you too, will be bored by surface talk about the weather, and crave to know more.

Get Real, like sexy real, Tara

Have a question for Tara? Have an idea for a Hump Day conversation? How about just some thoughts about this thing called life? Let us know here. We’ll answer back. We promise.

Get Nookie With It

January 28, 2016

Q to Tara from TinaO as per last week’s set up (yup, we’re doing this for a month and then we’ll see where our lady C (TaraC that is goes with it).

Tara, last year Todd and I took part in your Nookie November campaign and man oh man did that bring up all of my ‘stuff’ around intimacy! It made my husband super happy and me too of course – but it was also incredibly frustrating as there was nowhere to hide from my own issues around closeness, sharing my body with someone and my control freakiness about having to follow instructions. Why did you launch this program? Surely isn’t wasn’t to trigger our defences… or was it?!

Um. YES.

Nookie November was something I’d been thinking about for a long time and I was so excited to bring it to life. It was homework I gave to clients all the time, so I thought it might benefit couples looking to create a little intimacy on their own.

30 Days of Intimacy sounds fun at the start – you wouldn’t believe how many dudes light right UP when they think they’re gonna get lucky every night for a month – but it really is an actual challenge. Some nights you’re tired, some nights you’re apart if one of you is traveling for work, sometimes your partner is a bit of a jerk and you just want to throw in the mouth guard and fall asleep.

It’s also not always even about sex. Intimacy and sex are very different things that are so often collapsed. The length of the challenge is inherently trigger-worthy on purpose. I know that intimacy, real, intimate intimacy, can set us off. It’s NAKED naked, and there is no where to hide. It’s a deeper layer being uncovered and it can be scary and as you’ve seen, super messy to be in. We often skip over it, avoid it, or just jump right into sex (more about this in a couple of weeks when I talk about my own stuff!), but my job is to challenge the defaults and see if shifts happen.

It’s not always even about sex.

And as I’ll talk about next week, Intimacy – capital “I” Intimacy, is really critical to the success of a relationship. It’s definitely a place where things show up if they’re going to, so I’m not surprised that you noticed some triggers.

Nookie November gave us access to this, the same way that a challenge in The Amazing Race can reveal disrespect or poor communication in a relationship. I was giving you tasks that would either get you to be more connected or would give us a glimmer of growth. Growth is good. And growth from falling outside a comfort zone is the best kind because it actually causes you to take up more space.

I was working with a couple last fall and gave them some sexual/intimate homework – one of the tasks from Nookie November. They came back with a whole pile o’ nasty that we got to unpack; body image issues, and some residual resentment over old hurts and they were missing some of the skills to get through discussing it all effectively. The default had always been to sweep it under the rug and go on with life, but this intimacy piece took them to a whole new place together, and because they were an amazing Super Couple, we folded it all in nicely and we turned hurt into compassion, and resentment into forgiving.

If we choose it, there’s learning in everything and it takes big, fat bravery to actually look at it together. My goal is always to have clients know themselves in a new way, so however that happens, whatever I can do to crack things open a little, I am going to invite clients to dive in. I gently push forward and then catch the debris when it’s messy.

It takes big, fat bravery to actually look at it together

One of my very favourite things – and I think it’s actually a perk of the job – is to witness the sweet intimate levels that couples find together. It inspires me, and it’s truly what gets me out of bed each day. It’s almost uncomfortable, it’s so sweet, and I love it. I get to listen as apologies are made, and partners hear what is happening from the other side and it is an honour every single time to witness as men and women grow and have more of them be truly seen.

It’s my job to create moments where there is opportunity to learn and grow, and this is something I bring into my Super Couple Intensives; it’s like Nookie November on CRACK!

And by the way, if any of this sounds interesting, I am currently accepting couples (a max of 6 that I hand-pick) into my next program that will run from March to June and the first step in is to claim your free consultation with me here.

Get Real, like Sexy Real, Tara

Have a question for Tara? Have an idea for a Hump Day conversation? How about just some thoughts about this thing called life? Let us know here. We’ll answer back. We promise.

Don’t Die Living Someone Else’s Story

January 26, 2016

I was insanely nervous. No kidding. I had decided to show up and speak from the stage fully alive and semi-prepared. Well, not true, I was fully prepared and by choice, only semi rehearsed.

I had an idea of what the beginning would be and I had a thought about how how the story would end, after all, I was connecting the dots between various moments in my own life plus, I understand the structure of a great ending: it has to be surprising but inevitable (thank you Roger Larry for your film-making tip that stuck).

Surprising but inevitable…

Well, how just like life that is isn’t it? It always makes sense when you track it back from the end. That’s easy. Ha ha… but did you know that everything makes sense as it unfolds too – only that’s the hard part because it requires trusting the process.

Watch this clip about how I came to trust my own living story as I shared a powHERtalk with an audience.

If only I had remembered to breathe at the beginning, perhaps my voice wouldn’t have dropped quite so far. Ah well, if that had happened, sure I would’ve ”sounded” better, but that’s not how this piece wanted to live.

Hello again Hello…

Why die living someone else’s story? How about living yours instead. Click here for our upcoming workshop.

xxT

Tina Overbury is the founder of the Live Your Best Story weekend Retreat and facilitates the Living Story portion of the weekend.

Are you a SUPER COUPLE? Bring on HUMP DAY with Tara Caffelle

January 20, 2016

As per yesterday’s teaser, this is TinaOLife’s very own Lady Hump leading the charge on all things relationship. We’re opening her regular weekly Where Relationships Get Real post here at TinaOLife with a question from me, TinaO and you can too – feel free to send us a thought, question, wondering, or quandary below if you have a burning ‘sex, love, intimacy and relationship’ Q as well. Okay… so on to my first question to rock out Tara’s first post…

TinaO – Tara, you know my history with Mr. Todd and that our relationship has been the greatest teacher for both of us (which means it ain’t been easy as you know). You talk about ”super couples”, what does that mean exactly? And do you think it’s possible for everyone?

Tara: The Very Official definition of a Super Couple (based on what I found in the Very Official Urban Dictionary, anyway!) is a couple who “overcomes adversity and repeatedly reunites” – think Soap Opera couples like Luke and Laura or Bo and Hope. (Ah…Remember Bo and Hope? I think I was addicted to them…)

But I digress.

I like this definition well enough, but I would add to it: Super Couples are resilient. They keep seeking and choosing, even when it’s hard and it just plain sucks and it’s the testing-the-vows part of things. The beginning is fun; anyone can do the beginning, when it’s new and the stress hormones are flowing and la-la-la-we-have-the-same-taste-in-music!

Super Couples are in. They are intuitively committed to The Relationship, and not just their own well-being. There is a focus on the other and because each of them is doing this, the relationship benefits.

Super Couples are in.

They’re relentlessly brave. They might be afraid, but they also know the best life is on the other side of the prickly stuff.

They engage in what I call Sexy Conversation. I call it this because it can (and should) resemble sex in many ways; raw, open, noisy, quiet, messy, slippery, connected, naked, open with both parties grinding to have their needs met against the other before everyone lands in a satisfied heap. Right?

They know the prickles and the mess are worth it.

Super Couples take responsibility for their words and actions. They know that the whole idea of a relationship is to set them free, so each lays down the weapons and embraces the glorious person before them as an ally.

I think Super Couple-dom is possible if you want it, but not everyone knows that’s it’s even available. I was with some family over the holidays, and when this cartoon made a huge splash, it occurred to me that not everyone sees or knows the value of all the self-actualization I am so used to.

I obviously think about this stuff all the time and it’s a part of nearly every conversation I have. However, I am fully aware that not every couple, in fact, many couples, just go through life, attending to the responsibilities of getting the kids to hockey practices and birthday parties, not even thinking about their actual connection and how it works or it doesn’t.

I think Super Couple-dom is possible if you want it, but not everyone knows that’s it’s even available.

Who wants to sit around and dissect their relationship? ICK. Most people just know when they’re not happy and that something is off, and aren’t necessarily equipped with the tools to actually do something about it. I like to give people some of these tools. I think most couples are already quite super and have a beautiful roll-with-it quality; I love observing all the things they’re doing well AND I also think that nearly every conscious couple could benefit from a tweak here and there. They take – and I think you and Mr Todd were there – managing life well enough, but there’s a more that’s there to be found if you know to look for it.

It’s like having a satisfying dinner at the White Spot and realizing there’s a section of the menu that Gordon Ramsay will prepare just for you, but you have to know to ask for it. I’m the secret weapon here; I can show you what’s available on the menu and the best way to eat it so it’s crazy delicious.

It will feel like you just had a…Sexy Conversation.

Get real like sexy real, Tara

You can check more of me out here. It’s okay, I’m good with you looking.

Have a question for Tara? Have an idea for a Hump Day conversation? How about just some thoughts about this thing called life? Let us know here. We’ll answer back. We promise.

Hump Day Teaser… Tara Caffelle

January 19, 2016

Tomorrow Tara Caffelle brings on the hump.

What you gon’ do with all that junk?
All that junk inside your trunk?
I’m a get, get, get, get, you drunk,
Get you love drunk off my hump.
My hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump,
My hump, my hump, my hump, my lovely little lumps …check it out.

-Black Eyed Peas

Did I just post that? Oh boy. Can you tell I’m kind of a prude? Well, maybe prude is too strong. I’m just kinda, sorta, unsure? I think. Maybe? I think my appropriate gene is loud and strong inside of me. Can one be publicly private, but privately not so much? Hmmmm… that’s me I think. Is that you too?

Of course when I hear those hump lyrics I don’t think about The Peas or the song. I think about Will Farrell in Blades of Glory. Remember this?

And THAT is why I invited Tara to TinaOLife. She takes the preciousness out of sex and intimacy. She takes the public insanity about it all and reminds us that relationships are personal, they’re ours, and oh so beautiful. Tara transforms what is private and personal into understanding, claiming and enjoying all that intimate and that’s worth sharing. What do you way we go public with that.

Tara and I decided to launch Hump Day with Tara starting with a few questions from me. Since most of you are here checking out TinaOLife at this point because you know me, or you know someone who knows me… I’m likely not even six degrees from you but more like 1 or 2 right? – so let’s keep it real. Let’s start with the things that I want to know.

Here’s a sneak peek at tomorrow’s question to TinaOLife’s Hump Day Lady from me:

Tara, you know my history with Mr. Todd and that our relationship has been the greatest teacher for both of us (which means it ain’t been easy as you know). You talk about ”super couples”, what does that mean exactly? And do you think it’s possible for everyone?

Tune in tomorrow for Tara’s awesome answer. Are you part of a Super Couple? Wanna be one?

xxT

Oh yeah… and when you want to know more about Tara, go here.

Have a question for Tara? Have an idea for a Hump Day conversation? How about just some thoughts about this thing called life? Let us know here. We’ll answer back. We promise.

TinaOLife Welcomes Tara Caffelle

January 18, 2016

Please join me in welcoming Tara Caffelle, Relationship Coach (whether staying, splitting, or having a baby), Intimacy Guru (chief instigator and founder of Nookie November), Big Life Conduit (coach and online host of Speaking of Sparkles) and now TinaOLife’s Hump Day Lady too (did I just say that?).

Oh Tara, you are such a fit and I am thrilled to announce you as one of TinaOLife’s Core Contributors covering all things relationship, in fact, you might even say that YOU are Where Relationships get Real. Well, I do say that.

Here’s our story (TinaO’s perspective):

So I met this gal by accident which means on purpose. I sat across from her at a BNI breakfast meeting and to be honest, as much as I’m a total hound for networking because I really do just love people, any kind of organized business thingy where we’re supposed to be ‘authentic’ and ‘non-pitchy’ yet the bottomline of why we are there is to get business and make our cash register ring… these events always strike me as just odd, as in not quite honest but not quite false either (spank me now for speaking it as I feel it). The thing is, I can do these kinds of events, I’m even good at them, but still, they’re kinda weird to me. ’nuff said – yet its probably the very reason why Tara made such a subtle yet significant impression on me.

Now when I go to a morning breakfast meeting, I see getting up, getting dressed, doing my hair (oh gawd really?), putting on lipstick (oh boy oh boy like reallllly?) and then leaving my house before 6am as a decision to further my education in people. As well, I see it as part of my active agreement with the universe/God/powerthatbe in order for the big magic we all allude to, to happen. One thing I know for sure is that nothing shows up for me unless I show up for it, thus the partnership. So every now and then I put my cynicism aside (yes I can be a cranky codger) and I ‘show up’ at a networking event and do my do. A few years ago, when I did that, I met Tara Caffelle.

We barely exchanged words – but who needs them when you understand the game of business networking. The words we speak at these events are usually heavily rehearsed yet planned as hopefully authentic and packaged together as a 30 second elevator pitch to let the room know what we do so they can hire us right? It’s not so much about who we are. That’s why I don’t pay too much attention to what people say at these events, but rather do how I feel when I experience them.

As I was taking the last few bites of my eggs benny, I knew that there was just something about this gal sitting across from me and a few chairs down that I wanted to get to know. So we did what you do at these things, we exchanged cards and she followed up. Perfect. Here’s what it looked like:

March 25th, 2014 – Hi Tina, It was so great to meet you at BNI this morning – what a HUGE group that was! I am a member of BNI Harbourside (we meet at the same restaurant on Wednesdays) and we’re only about 26 people, so that was a bit of a shock. It seems like we have some great overlap and could likely have a fun, connecty kind of tea. Let me know if you’d like to set that up in the next couple of weeks. In the meantime, if you think of anyone having babies or adjusting to life with a newborn, the links to my workshops and website are below. Have a great week and I will look forward to seeing you soon. Cheers, Tara

April 8th, 2014 Hi Tara! Thanks for reaching out and I’m sorry I haven’t connected sooner. I’m in the middle of a few really big shifts and I’m practicing focus… 🙂 I would LOVE to meet for cup of tea. I think I need two weeks to get myself organized. What do you think about Monday the 28th? Would that work for you? Thanks! Tina

Tara same day – yes, that would definitely work. How about 10am somewhere? What part of the city are you in?

Tina same day – sounds great. I’m across the water so can we say 10:30 instead? It’s closer to when I can be there! – so downtown, or east van is good for me! You?

April 20th 2014 – Tara Oh, dear, I completely forgot to confirm this! You are in my calendar for 10:30 on the 28th. How about we meet at the Laughing Bean on Hastings (near the PNE but I can’t remember the cross street).

April 24th 2014 – Tina Hi Tara! I just remembered that I am booked from 10am – 11am on that day. Can we do 11:30? Same place? Thx!

Same day – Tara Yup, that works. See you there.

April 27th 2014 – Tina Oh my… Sorry to do this again… Any chance you can do 3pm? My day shifted once again! I’m so sorry to make all these changes!! If not, we can always rebook for the following Monday! Whatever works. Xxt

Same day – Tara Sorry, but 3pm doesn’t work, and the only time I have is the morning on the following Monday. If we can do 10:30, I can do it.

April 28th 2014 – Tina Next Monday at 1030? If so YES! And again… My apologies… I’ve been juggling a little more than usual and stretching into new territory which means my structures shake a bit and my weakest point is scheduling… So thank you for your patience! Next Monday 1030?? Locked??

Same day – Tara locked! see you then!

Why do I share all the drivel of booking and rebooking and apologizing and rebooking again??? Seems boring right? Well, that’s life. That’s what SHOWING UP and STAYING WITH IT looks like. It’s not all fireworks and magnetic pulls to work together. It’s simply a desire to inquire first, matched by commitment and follow through.

So we met at this place, The Laughing Bean.

and from our first kinda ‘search and discovery’ conversation, I was introduced to the concept of this guy: Chris Dierkes, Soul Interpreter. It went something like this:

Tara: chatty chat chat what I do who I am what I’m interested in what has happened to me… ‘and then my soul guy’…

Me: listening listening listening watching wondering wondering… ‘what did you say?’

So much more to come about this… Chris has become my ‘soul dude’ and he as well will have a regular piece on TinaOLife called just that: Dear Soul Dude (but that’s for another announcement) – see… magic happens when we show up. Okay, back to Tara.

So fast forward a few months later and over a beer with Tara on a sunny summer patio, I met this gal, her awesome friend and colleague: Coach Michaella.

Holy crap! What the hell happened? is all I can say. No kidding – we laughed so hard on that newly hot summer patio that I suffered dearly from my first inspiration hang over. We came up with a SNL Sketch called empha’sis’ that I swear made me pee (come on, three children, cut me some slack), as I clamored to get into my truck and head home. I had no idea that having such a good time could require couch time as recovery.

The three of us met up again last January to support each other’s vision for all that 2015 would bring. Here’s a pic of them as they arrived in perfect West Coast style – yup, coffee in one hand, umbrella in the other. These kooky two women rock my world. Little did the three of us know that my year would look nothing like we had planned, yet what we came up with was exactly what I needed. I hope the same was true for them.

TinaOLife with Tara Caffelle and Coach Michaella

That year Tara launched Nookie November, 30 days of intimacy filled with silliness, sexiness and spontaneity. Holy Dinah did that ever crack me wide open. It started out as sexy re-connection gift to my husband and it became so so so much more. I’ll share more about later.

When I was diagnosed with throat cancer last spring, Tara had her own big life stuff going on at exactly the same time. We were two soul-inspired women trudging through painful muddy waters together yet completely apart. When the dust had cleared for both us, Tara asked me to be a guest on her show Speaking of Sparkles and here it is: Cancer, the wisdom of the body, getting off the rollercoaster of marriage and finally sinking into relationship.

We became hooked. p.s. I know, I know, I know, I need a new microphone because wowzers do I ever sound LOUD and fuzzy in this. Well, turn down my volume just a bit and climb into the brainwaves of Tara and Tina.

When TinaOLife showed up as the answer to my professional home, I figured out pretty quick that as much as I’m all that and a bag of chips, I AM most definitely NOT THE ANSWER to everyone’s life questions. I can’t be. So if I’m going to take on this topic called LIFE and what it feels like to be REALLY LIVING, I’d better call in the giants who ignite that very thing inside of me.

Welcome Tara. You’re a fucking rock star in my world. You make dropping the f-bomb not just explosive, but sexy, crazzzy-ass funny and tender too. How can that be? It must be you.

Watch for Tara’s weekly posts on Wednesdays as Hump Day (how appropriate), where she’ll be leading the charge on all things relationship.

xxT

Want to know about Tara Caffelle? Check her out here at TaraCaffelle.com

I Love You – She said Quietly

January 14, 2016

So I’m reading Olympic Medalist Clara Hughes’ book Open Heart Open Mind this morning at 4:30am and something interesting happened. I’m up that early because I’m a hockey mom and I gotta get the boys sorted as they hit the rink before school: put something in their tummy for breakfast, pack a lunch for school, and throw in all the stuff into their pack that they’ll likely forget about. This is the to do list of a forever in training mom for sure. Our youngest is still in bed – he’s not a hockey kid yet. I’m crossing my fingers that he falls head over heels in love with the arts so we can skip the third round of early morning family insanity. We shall see. Passion is as passion does.

The boys and their dad are off by 5:30am and by then I’m too awake to sleep but not quite ready to take on the day, probably because it’s Thursday and I’ve already put in three mom mornings this week so I crawl back into bed and crack open Clara’s book. My husband bought Open Heart, Open Mind for me for my birthday, probably because her story is coloured with dark corners, her triumphs have sharp edges and her drive is fueled by fire, unstoppable, wild, raw, and almost retchingly honest fire. Okay so honesty can’t retch, but maybe that’s why writers have been known to say things like: I just gotta barf it out first, get it on the page, get into the guts of it…

Thank you Clara. You clearly got into the guts of it and that’s why it’s carrying me away.

I’m only half way through the book but if I had to sum up your message so far I’d say it’s all about ‘self-love’ instead of ‘self-loathing’ right? Hmmm… such a universal quest to heal the scars of so many. It’s almost as if getting to that place requires understanding your own Escape Room: an insane past time where people are willing to be pushed, screamed at, and even terrified as they scramble to escape simulated life-threatening situations. The crazy part about escape rooms is that we get locked into them knowing there is always a way out. What makes it so intoxicatingly addictive is the adrenaline pumping through our veins as we question whether or not we’ll actually find it. The self-loathing to self-love conundrum is just like that. The only way to rewire our brains out of self-loathing is to step into our darkest blindspot: self-love.

That’s the thing about blind-spots, they’re bloody obvious once we see them and then they vanish as if they were never there at all.

So there I was at 6am, about a half an hour in to Clara’s book , when, as I’m all curled up and warm, out of my mouth tumbles: I love you Tina.

I love you Tina.

I’m like: What?

I love you Tina.

Oh. I thought that came from you.

Okay so I’m no stranger to the self-help world. I’ve read Louise Hay’s You Can Heal Your Life. I’ve affirmed my way into a happier disposition, I know how to talk to myself when I need to pull my sorry behind out of a crap load of poor me, or a give my brain an etch a sketch shake and redraw a nasty perspective into a positive one. Oh yes, I get the whole self-talk thing but that’s not what happened. I wasn’t standing in front of the mirror talking into my own eyes, or reading a magic yellow affirmation sticky, or even writing in my gratitude journal (I don’t have a gratitude journal shhhh..). Nope, I was in the fetal position, feet tucked under the covers, ankles crossed with one fist under my right cheek and the other cupping the edges of the book. I was in lala land and then out of nowhere, my inner me, the one who feels the same now at 45yrs as it did at 7yrs blurted out I Love You Tina just so I could hear it. It tumbled easily out of my mouth, and out loud.

My next thought was: ‘uhhhh… how did that happen? Ohhhh… and I do this to my kids all the time. I tell them I love them just ’cause. It’s not a daily do, or an affirmation, or a mindset reset at all, it’s just because it’s true. I love them.’

So Clara – that may not have been the goal for your readers by page 112, but that’s what happened to me.

I love you Tina, I said to myself without any agenda at all. I love you – probably because it’s true. I do.

How about you?

p.s. I’m at the top of chapter 14 – Salt Lake City Olympics are next. Mmmm… can’t wait.

xxT

Truth Tuesday – Listening so as to Be

January 5, 2016

The truth is subjective right? I mean, I have one idea and I KNOW it’s true, but you do too and you KNOW it’s true as well. Okay, so if that’s the case, then which is it? Why all the fuss and fighting about it? And why are we on this incessant pursuit of knowing it? Why the pre-occupation with ‘finding our truth’?

Because we’re unaccustomed to living it.

And that’s perfectly natural.

We are born as itty bitty babies relying on those around us to be there, to take care of us, to make sense of us, to be the bubble that is our world. Our first conscious exposure to our living story is a completely EXTERNAL one. Our truth is based on what others do around us.

We see our mother’s face, feel her touch, hear her voice and that’s how we know we’re not alone. We don’t even know what alone is, we just know that we’re more than one.

We hear, smell, taste and sense our environment and that’s how we know where we are.

We are born without words, without context, without place, yet with a soul story to know and to give away, but we can’t yet because we haven’t developed the tangible tools like language to do it.

It’s as if it’s a set up! Life positions us to meet who we are through how we’re received. Now this is a beautiful opportunity to grow if our ‘truth’ is always reflected back at us which is probably why we call this life thing a magnificent journey. There’s so much to learn. But come on, it sure seems wildly inefficient though. Doesn’t it? That we should come in to the world perfect, whole and living our ‘truth’, only to spend the first 40 years of our life (usually) living on auto-pilot then waking up during a mid-life crisis, or a 20-something existential emptiness, or our 30-something drive to ‘be someone’. And then Some of us just skip it all together by playing the ‘acceptance game’ which isn’t acceptance at all, but rather resignation. Ewwwwww. I’ve seen it and so have you. I’ve even lived it a few times.

When my husband and I couldn’t stand each other for about ten years of our first fifteen together (yup no kidding), the only way I knew how to cope was to say to myself: Okay well I guess he’ll just watch TV and I’ll live in the kitchen (I’m simplifying but you probably get it). No wonder I crash and burned. Resignation ate me up and spit me out.

Here’s the thing, once I took the dangerous step of actually LISTENING for whom I’ve always been, I realized, I’d never actually left. I wasn’t lost, I just wasn’t found.

Did you know that we can’t ditch ourselves? There is no where we can run to lose ourselves either. It’s not like we get to shed our ‘truth’ on the floor as a rumpled outfit as we reach into the closet to wear someone else. We’re not a costume nor a wardrobe. We’re not inter-changeable, well, at least not on the inside.

All the self-help books, personal growth workshops, inspirational wall-art and lit up catch phrases that we devour as a way to ‘find’ our truth is the habitual way we’ve moved through world since we arrived. It makes sense right? We think: I am because you see me, I do because you know me, I say because you hear me, I love because you love me… There’s beauty in this ‘we’, in this interconnectedness. There is. I get that, but it still has nothing to do with the ‘truth’ quest we all end up on.

Today I ask you – Who are you in relation to only you? Who are you beyond what fills your mind all day? Who are you outside of where and how you live? Who are you and who have you always been?

Oh mannnnnn big questions and you’re probably feeling the desire to skip it. I mean, why ask when you can’t ever truly know. There’s no proof, no check mark, no enlightened someone to say: Yes, you’re right, that’s who you are. There’s only you and all you can do is listen for you. Listen to the story that has been telling YOU since you arrived.

A life and business coach I once worked with Isabelle Mercier Turcotte said to me in a day long session together: “That’s not your gig” and she wrote it on a yellow sticky and stuck it to one of the many massive post-it notes on the wall. For months I walked through my life with two imaginary yellow stickies: one that said THAT’S MY GIG, and another that said THAT’S NOT MY GIG and in every single interaction I would figuratively hold up my two stickies and decide which one was true: my gig, or not my gig. If you’re interested, here’s a quick video in my own words that I made for Isabelle about it.

I had a good life five years ago when I was holding up those stickies, in fact, most would’ve thought that I was at the top of my game. I was at the pinnacle of my profession, by all accounts I had a great life: two kids, a house, husband, career, passions and my health. My truth however was that a lot of that good life wasn’t actually mine, I just lived it like it was.

Today, I ask you: What’s your gig? What’s not your gig? The truth will always always always tell you, you need only listen for it.

I challenge you this week to hold up your two yellow stickies and see what answers come back.

Many thanks to Charlene Sanjenko and PowHERhouse women for the opportunity to host and moderate Truth Tuesdays. So cool.

xxT

Really Okay Being Okay Being Okay Being Okay

January 4, 2016

This started out as a little Facebook update and became so much more – so here it is for you.

I’m back in the saddle… This year I choose Joy. This year I work 9am – 3pm only. This year as mama, I nourish the little boy inside my 6 year old who thinks he needs to be 15yrs old to matter. This year I honour the athlete inside of me. Bring on my first real triathlon – and not to reach my absolute pinnacle of best, but rather to enjoy cycling, running and swimming. This year I date my husband. I laugh, I love, I fall into deep gazes without glancing at my to do list. This year I juice and eat slowly at a family table because it feels awesome, not to avoid the c-word, and not because of it either. This year I take on my financial ‘story’ as the main character instead of reading it like it’s ‘happening to me’ – the good stuff and the hard stuff. I’m the main character. This year I write my books… I own my story and I give it away, neither proudly or meekly. I give it away because it’s what I’m designed to do. This year I’m a proud Arbonne consultant and Network Marketer and I make a difference in the world of selling, and home-based entrepreneurs. I care that there is another way for those who don’t do corporate, who aren’t designed to do the education/profession thing, who can’t find peace in the 9-5, who don’t experience joy in the Entrepreneur Game. I care deeply that not everyone fits in this big box of paths and professions that keeps getting bigger and bigger and bigger with all the labels that we think is our identity – is what’s safe. Nahhhhh I don’t think my way is any better – it’s simply an alternative and it works for me. What works for you? This year I’m willing to champion that. This year I’m really okay being okay being okay being just okay. This year I am TinaOLife, all connected under one umbrella: Selling isn’t slimey, Marketing isn’t make-believe: Authenticity is the New Spin. Your Life is your Living Story, and the alignment of your Mindset, Soulset, Skillset and Body way to live = a perpetual motion machine. Life isn’t doing, Love isn’t running, and Family isn’t a place to hide-out. This year I stand. This year TinaOLife is what I do because I share who I am as we all do. Come with me. It’s Monday Morning and I’m starting today.

Big Love to the mentors who at various forks in the road stood and simply smiled at me because they saw my story before I did. Chris Dierkes,Carolyn Nesbitt, Cindy Schreyer, Jacqueline Samuda, Shelley Klassen,Andrea Wray, Miel Bernstein, Mary-Jane Mehlenbacher, Nicolle Nattrass,Meribeth Jasmine Deen, Tara Caffelle, Diana Gilbert, Isabelle Mercier Turcotte, Mr. Todd Ingram and more I’m sure. So much more. Today. Here we go.

xxT