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Everyday Adventures – BLOG

October 14, 2016

every-day-adventures

When I had Baxter (the basset hound), it would come to that time of the day when I knew he needed to get outside to collect some new smells and waddle around the neighbourhood. I would wrap up the work I was doing and say, “Let’s go on an adventure!”

You see, I could never use the word “walk” without making our departure a little crazy. All hell would break loose, with Baxter pacing in circles, whining, and “following” me by walking ahead and blocking my every step, lest I try to leave the house without him.

Now that Baxter is gone—he passed away in May—I have no need to go outside for a walk each day. But I have come to enjoy thinking of life as a series of adventures. It was easy in the summer as we found endless craft breweries to try out, hikes to hike, and outdoor movies to lie about in a park to watch. Everything was an adventure. Now that it’s fall, we’re settled into being at home, wearing slippers around the house, and launching Netflix marathons. The only adventure is seeing if we can squeeze in another episode of Downton Abbey before one of us drifts off into a slack-jawed slumber.

Perhaps I exaggerate a touch, but it’s partly true. It’s not okay with me that I spend more time at my desk than anywhere else. So I roped The Mister into a brainstorm session to plot out some Everyday Adventures we can enjoy together.

Here’s what we came up with:

Choosing and preparing dinner when we’re both home. Much discussion and Pinterest-referring ensues, followed by a quick scour of available ingredients in the pantry and wine rack. Dinner for two becomes a playful indoor date.
Hiking and biking and other sweaty things. This idea is a win all-around; we get exercise, we get fresh air, and we get to smugly go through the rest of the day in a glorious caloric deficit.
Going to a whole new neighbourhood to grocery shop or sit in a coffee shop. I do this often when I am writing and looking for some fresh inspiration. A change of venue gives me a new perspective or a gentle nudge outside of my comfort zone. I figure it’s a great idea for relationships, too.
Buying tickets for random events in the city. We have many mini-adventures to look forward to where we get to dress up (we are both working from home a fair bit and turning into rather cozy cubicle-mates, so this is always a good thing!) and make a date night of it. In the next few months, we will go see Danny Bhoy, Louis CK, and Interesting Vancouver and we’re having fun researching the before-and-after of the plans.
Planning adventures in other places. We are in the process of booking an escape to somewhere hot when the Vancouver rain is at its most plentiful, and a weekend escape to Jasper. While the trips will be really fun, so much joy comes from the preparation we are doing now.
Thrift store treasure hunting. One of us will get a nutty idea or decide we need something—I am on the lookout for a big, sloppy pair of overalls I can wear when I paint, for instance—so we will make a little outing to a big thrift store and spend a couple of hours goofing off as we look for treasures. Last time, we came across a GIANT teal sombrero and I wore it around the store as I looked through old prom dresses. So fun.
Connecting with old friends and bringing them into the adventurous loop for games, dinners and catching up. Now that summer and all the frantic squeezing-in of outdoor fun has ended, it’s nice to connect again.

When we set the intention that we are here for “adventure” (however tame that might actually look), it helps us to find fun in whatever is going on. So what are your “adventures” going to be this week? How will you be intentional with your time? Tell me, tell me, and maybe I can steal your ideas!

Get Real, Sexy Real

Tara

Tara Caffelle is a Relationship and Communication coach. She is passionate about creating connected, almost-uncomfortable-to-watch relationships that are based in Sexy Communication and Big Lives worth rolling around in.

Tara is based in the Lower Mainland of Vancouver and offers custom-designed coaching programs. To claim your free 90+ minutes and see what might be possible for your own super coupledom (or persondom), find a time here.

Have a question for Tara? Have an idea for a Hump Day conversation? How about just some thoughts about this thing called life? Let us know here. We’ll answer back. We promise.

Tara VLOG #4 – What are your Wildest Desires?

June 30, 2016

In this week’s VLOG we’re talking about your biggest, craziest, wildest dreams and how you might make them come true – the secret *might* just be telling your partner what it is…

And here is the video:

WHAT ARE YOUR WILDEST DESIRES…?

Have a question for Tara? Have an idea for a Hump Day conversation? How about just some thoughts about this thing called life? Let us know here. We’ll answer back. We promise.

On Boats and in Life

March 23, 2016

When I was little, my family spent a lot of time at my grandparents’ cabin. It was about an hour from our house and we would drive there for the weekend so Dad could help Grampa with the property. I think Dad likely resented having to give up his weekends to labour away, but I have nothing but warm memories of my time there. I remember how I always, always got carsick on the drive, and the smell of the canvas life jacket I had to wear in the boat, and having a bath in the kitchen sink before I was old enough to have a shower in the stall. We would play cards, roam the woods in search of adventure and chase minnows and frogs from the dock. Now that both of my grandparents are gone, these memories are particularly sweet.

After a long weekend of work, it was finally time for some fishing and relaxation in the boat. We would all clamour in to troll around the lake, and I remember so clearly being invited to sit on my Grampa’s lap and steer the boat. I am pretty sure I beamed at the very idea of doing such a grown-up thing.

I would always get excited and madly turn the wheel, tilting the boat so it looked like it was about to flip over, which made my Gramma yelp and hold onto the seat.

My Grandfather would patiently remind me:

“Make small turns, and let it straighten out.”

(I remember him being patient, but I have a feeling there may have also been some very-loving shouts.)

It turns out my Grampa was pretty brilliant.

Yes, it made the ride in the boat smoother, and kept my beloved Gramma from heart failure, but my Grampa’s message resonated far beyond our boat ride. It is something I apply now to my life, my relationships and also my work.

Do we often see what we want to be different and then dive in, too far, too fast? Do we take the wheel and make a sharp turn that can’t be sustained without tipping over?

You bet your sweet ass we do.

It’s great to want to shift things in your lifes. It’s wonderful to want to be your very best self for your relationship. And it’s never a bad idea to try and transition and improve. The key in making any of these changes is to make them gradually and at a sustainable pace.

What does this mean for your relationships?

If you want to prioritize spending more time together as a couple, start with 15 minutes a day of connecting and talking about more than groceries and soccer practice. Ask your partner what they would have you do to support them in what they are wanting to do and who they are wanting to be.

If you would like your family to be healthier, avoid the drastic changes in diet and change one thing at a time. Find something fun for you all to do together.

If you want more physical intimacy in your relationship, start with non-sexual touching throughout the day; greet your partner warmly when they arrive home and tell them how happy you are to see them.

If you think you’d like a whole different career, don’t just quit your job: that could be seen as irresponsible. Instead, be intentional about your spare time, choose hobbies that are connected to the field you want to transition into, and make incremental (and sustainable) choices.

And most importantly, remember that it’s all in the recovery. When you do over steer, gently return to centre, and then keep going. Keep that boat upright.

Get Real, like Sexy Real

Tara

Have a question for Tara? Have an idea for a Hump Day conversation? How about just some thoughts about this thing called life? Let us know here. We’ll answer back. We promise.

Trump – We are Part of the Problem

February 27, 2016

Yes, like you, I have multiple opinions about whether Donald Trump is worth even a second of our consideration… but that is not what this post is about. I appreciate the video below for a number of reasons but in brief, here is why:

I have a real bee in bonnet about selling and the insanity in both the sales/marketing/branding profession and how we interact with it. Part of my focus on TinaOLife is to bring up this conversation again and again, calling out those of us in the sales and marketing industry to get better at what we do. In short, I’m asking if you are willing to fix something that is incredibly broken. We are indeed a blister in the sun. And something tells me we’re about to burst.

A lot of factors are contributing to the rise in popularity of Donald Trump as a contender for the Republican nomination, but I’m only going to address ONE of them – because it’s the one that makes me itchy. Yes I do squirm just a little bit, biting my cheek on the inside and jamming my toes into my shoes trying to keep from screaming. Bwahhhhh Grrrrrrahhhhhhhh!!!! It’s like I want to throw up violently but I can’t.

So I’m going stretch us a little k? I’m connecting the dots between sales, marketing, branding, message and our relentless chasing of the illusion of STATUS (and that’s all it is folks, an illusion).

We as sellers position ourselves and our message to you this way:

I know more than you.

I have more for you.

I sell more than anyone.

You want more.

I’ll give you more than anyone else can.

And then there’s the weird status thing we do around the pricing of our product, and the stories we make up to justify why people do or don’t buy our stuff:

When you say you can’t afford it – it’s not true.

When you say, I’m not sure yet – you’re just hiding.

When you say, I need time to think, – you’re making excuses.

Status. We have such a magnetic pull to it. We want it. You could say I’m doing it now by calling bullshit on sales tactics, and maybe I do. It’s still worth examining don’t you think?

Status. So then we decided that we live in an abundant universe, and that anything we want we can have simply by naming it, writing it down, and ultimately, manifesting it. Therefore, all of the customers who aren’t reaching our pricing structure are the ones who are living in a false reality. It’s their fault, they simply aren’t thinking abundantly enough.

I’m not saying that this perspective is all hooey, and that The Secret, Lisa Nichols, Jack Canfield and all the others are wrong – I’m adding to the equation another question which is: What kind of a charge (like an electric zap in the belly) do you get when you hold that perspective as true? Here’s what I mean:

Wouldn’t it be interesting to get to the place as a seller or a buyer where there is no ‘charge’ at all around a price. It’s neither expensive or inexpensive, it’s just a number. It either fits a budget or it doesn’t. It either matches the buyer/seller’s values or not. What if price wasn’t about STATUS at all? I wonder how much we would be willing to charge and/or pay.

Why am I here when I’m talking about Trump, marketing and selling?

Because money is LOADED with electric charges and then fueled by our stories.

Because how we price our products often informs how we sell, market, and brand them. Here’s a kicker, most products are sold at the price of ‘what the market will bare’.

Yet we are the market.

And we set it by what we’re willing to believe in.

Connect that back to Trump. What are we willing to believe in and why?

So let’s talk about honesty and marketing shall we? We’ve become so ‘skilled’ at positioning, so ‘smart’ at messaging, so ‘strategic’ with our choice of words, colours, audience, timing, logos, hooks, offers, calls to action, reach etc… that when somebody shows up like Trump, and just speaks ‘his truth’ – it staggers us for a second, and we’re drawn to it. It catches us off guard. And then when ‘his truth’ gets louder, with less restraint, and with more Alpha-Dog in him, it comes off kind of refreshing somehow because he’s cutting through the noise – never mind how costly his perspective may be (again, think back to pricing – same story).

We are all so EXHAUSTED from being sold to by slick campaigns with sensational promises that this guy, because he’s ‘not a politician’, because he’s ‘not packaged’, because he IS ‘impulsive’, because he DOES ‘show his true colours’, becomes appealing. This guy has STATUS because he’s being ‘himself’ and lots of people are gobbling it up.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LOGHFkXP3Rs

Again, you may ask, what does this have to do with sales and marketing… well, it’s the underpinning of our mistrust because we simply can’t get away from it.

Here’s my suggestion: when people in sales, marketing and branding stop strategizing and start simply TELLING THE STORY of the PRODUCT or the STORY of their SERVICE – by SERVING THE STORY instead of the SALE, then we just may begin to trust voices of ‘reason’ again, and dudes like this won’t be given the time of day.

Imagine if we didn’t ‘sell’ being honest, we just were.

Imagine if we didn’t need to be ‘clever’ to attract an audience but instead, our straight goods became so crystal clear that the ‘right’ people could find us.

Imagine if sales people weren’t trained to overcome objections, if marketers weren’t taught how to ‘get inside the mind of consumer’, if branders didn’t ‘position’ the sale.

Imagine if the products we sold were good enough and our belief in them so deep and strong that we didn’t need to figure out the ‘formula’ to successfully sell them?

When we can all give up the insanity of trying to out play one another, perhaps bombastic, self-serving, opportunists like this guy, Mr. Trump, wouldn’t be so appealing. It’s not funny. It’s not entertaining. It’s not even scary (well, maybe it is), its really quite sad. Our culture has lost touch with it’s humanity, with our heart beat of being seen and known.

It’s time to be courageous, reclaim our power by being honest.

What do you say people in the sales, marketing and the branding industry… you with me? I’m not suggesting that we’re ultimately responsible for people like Trump getting to where he is, but I am suggesting that we’re part of the problem. The truth never needed to be clever. Good products never needed to be louder than everyone else, and consumers shouldn’t have to read between the lines in order to figure out if they can trust you and your brand or not.

Trump, with his blatant, boundary pushing and now rise to popularity is a lesson for all of us. He can cut through the noise because he’s just being him. Like him or not, he’s Trump and he’s pretty darn comfortable being that. If only we were too.

xxT

TinaO is a writer, speaker and the founder of TinaOLife – a hub for all things worth living for, the workshop Live Your Best Story, and her coaching practice: Tall Poppy Living. She’s also a professional network marketer with a decade in the industry. She teaches: selling isn’t slimey and marketing isn’t make-believe. You can be yourself and be successful in Direct Sales.

Four Agreements for Relationships

February 25, 2016

I read the actual Four Agreements book several years ago and vomited in my mouth a little; although quite popular and I’m sure groundbreaking if you are, say, new to the planet, I found it overly simplistic and a complete waste of time—do we really need to be told to act with integrity and not gossip? Do we really need a whole book to illustrate this? And it was written as though this was some magical ancient wisdom being passed down through the centuries when to me, it was simply common sense.

I have found, in the last several years, as I’ve spoken to clients and groups, that a few agreements seem to come up again and again when it comes to relationships: I have piled them together for you here in this tiny little blog post.

This is some of my most cherished wisdom. It might just be your lucky day.

Agreement #1

We all have a right to notice what is happening around us and voice it.

Imagine this scene: you’ve arrived at a dinner party and you notice that your partner is acting quite coldly to the hosts. You are fully aware that your partner doesn’t really like these people, so you assume that he/she is having a lousy time and wants to leave for that reason.

What if, instead of assuming and maybe fuming that your partner was ruining your night, you actually noticed what was happening and voiced it? “Darling, you seem a little off tonight. What’s happening for you?”

Your partner can then explain what is actually going on to make them behave in this way. Maybe they just found out that they are being laid off from work and didn’t want to spoil your evening with the news, or maybe he/she spotted the host sneaking off to a hotel room with a stranger and is uncomfortable. It could be either of these or none of these—you don’t know!

This one is actually a secret intimacy-builder: when we notice and connect with the people around us with our observations, it creates intimacy. Even with strangers, and especially with the people we love the most.

Think about what could have happened in each of these examples:

You notice an overwhelmed mom in the parking lot of the grocery store, juggling a baby and a toddler and a cart full of crazy, and you say, “It looks like you’ve got your hands full—can I help?”

You’re waiting in line to board a plane at the airport and notice that the woman next to you is reading a book that you just finished and hated and you say, “I see you’re reading Fifty Shades of Awful Writing. How are you finding it?”

Your daughter comes home from a school dance and seems quiet and sullen and you say, “You don’t seem to be as excited as you were before the dance started. What was it like?”

We are always allowed to observe, and let’s be honest: we’re all doing it all the time, and we are also making assumptions about what we see. When we voice what we see, we invite other people to be intimate with us. And in case you’re new here, I will remind you that I think that is the name of the whole game.

Agreement #2

We can (and have a responsibility to) ask for what we need.

I remember this really vividly: I was spending the summer with a beloved aunt who lived several hours away from us. I think her work schedule had conflicted one afternoon that I was there, so she asked a friend who ran a daycare to entertain me for the afternoon. I basically just hung out and read while she tended to the little kids in her care.

I remember being absolutely starving and being too shy to ask for something to eat. I assumed that she would eventually offer me something, but she was wrapped up in the daycare duties and didn’t. As the afternoon wore on, and I grew more and more hungry, I was silently feeling really resentful.

When my aunt finally arrived to pick me up and was chatting with her friend, it came up that I hadn’t eaten basically all day. I clearly remember her incredulous question: “Why didn’t you ask for something, love?”

Good question.

Whether we need heat to be turned on because we are cold, or some kind words at the end of a long day, we have the right and responsibility to ask. No one has to give it to us, but we get to ask. And I’ll let you know that most of the time, you get what you ask for. People like to grant wishes like that. Try it.

Agreement #3

No one is here to take care of anyone else.

I have thousands of examples for this one, but it boils down to this: we are all meant to go through life and have our very own experiences of what is happening. When we take care of others and make it easier for them, or shelter them, we are doing no favours. It can be challenging to step back and remind yourself that people can handle their own lives, but it’s worth it, and also worth practicing on an ongoing basis.

When I used to leave my pets with a house sitter, I would haul out this four-page tome of instructions to explain the every nuance of running my 700-square foot home. Seriously. I thank every house sitter I ever had for not smacking me on the face as I went through them all. After a while, and after I started coaching and holding my clients as naturally creative, resourceful and whole, I stopped this nonsense and now I let them know the basic routine of the dog, how much he eats, and how to reach me. No kitchens are particularly mysterious, so I think whomever it is can snoop their way to success in my absence.

I invite you to look at where you might be care-taking and let go. Let the people you love make mistakes and have their very own shiny experiences of life—it’s how we learn.

Agreement #4

We are all just doing our best.

This struck me years ago, when I was taking a course with Landmark Education. The instructor pointed out that no matter how bad of a job our parents did in raising us, their only objective was to keep us alive until we left their care. They were always doing the best that they could with what they knew at the time.

It’s so, so true.

Someone else’s “best” might look like what you would consider your worst, but I encourage you to be your most empathetic and remember that they are trying. Even if they’re cutting you off in traffic. Even if they are breaking your heart. Even if they are not speaking to you at all while you’re trying to have an argument with them. If we all remembered this one thing of the people we encounter, think of how different our everyday interactions would be.

Common sense that changes relationships.

These four agreements are the basis for a lot of the work I do with couples. They’ve helped my clients ensure their own needs are met, while learning how to better understand and appreciate each other, even during the messy times—especially then. I use them as cornerstones in my own relationships, reminding myself of them again and again as I strive to live a big, heart-led life.

I would love for you to try some of them out and let me know what you notice. (I know you didn’t have to read 132 pages to get the wisdom, but I promise it’s still valid.)

Wishing you an agreement-filled week and I would love to hear your comments below.

Get Real, Sexy Real

Tara

Have a question for Tara? Have an idea for a Hump Day conversation? How about just some thoughts about this thing called life? Let us know here. We’ll answer back. We promise.

What’s your Relationship Story?

February 11, 2016

If you’ve been following along on our Hump Day Wednesdays with Tara Caffelle, Where Relationships Get Real, I’m sure you’ve noticed that I get the conversation started with questions that I’m personally seeking answers to. We’ve looked at: Why is intimacy so important? , What’s the deal with Nookie November? , and What is a Super Couple? So today, it seems only fitting on Love Week… ahem, on the hump of Valentines Day that we get up close and personal with the relationship lady herself. Here’s my question for Tara:

Okay Tara… this is the tell all question. Most of us fall into a passion profession because we’ve been lead there by our own experiences. Come on now… bare all. What’s your ‘relationship’ or ‘intimacy’ story???

Tara: Oh yes. My own experience led me deep into this work—you’ve got me there. I have always, always been interested in relationships. When I was growing up, I’d watch the adults around me and listen quietly as my Mum discussed life events with my aunts and her friends. I probably learned more than I should have, but even then I can remember being able to figure people out. In my twenties, I remember annoying a date when I fell asleep during the epic battle scenes from Lord of the Rings. What can I say? The battles didn’t involve conversation. There wasn’t anything relationshippy for me to entertain myself with. Jeeez.

There’s been one relationship in my life that, even though it has shifted and actually ended, has informed almost every piece of my work and how I hold my clients.

I met my (former) husband when I was 21 at what was the very beginning of what we now know as online dating. (Writing that makes me feel like such a dinosaur! Next I’ll tell you how I had to walk uphill both ways to school in the winter with bearskin shoes!). In any case, we met and fell in love and lived quite happily together for about 14 years.

In 2010 we split up very amicably, even sharing custody of our basset hound. As it happened, at the tail end of our relationship, after YEARS of floundering in various careers and never feeling completely fulfilled, I had (finally) found what I felt I was called to do… That was coaching.

As we navigated separating after such a long time together, we carefully designed how we wanted to be.

In coaching, we say that we “design our alliance,” which means the coach and client decide how it’s going to be when they’re together. We talk about what feels respectful, and what will be the most effective, and we form a team that will help the client reach their outcomes. When my husband and I decided to part ways, I brought a lot of coaching-esque stuff into our conversations: I expressed that I wanted to land in a friendship at some point, and that I didn’t blame him for what was happening. We continually asked for what we needed (space, patience, silence, etc) and were able to transition through a whole lot of grieving into a space where we held on to our friendship.

As we navigated separating after such a long time together, we carefully designed how we wanted to be.

Our friendship, after all, had always been a great part of our life together.

That process showed me, first-hand, how relationships can be, even as they end and especially as they end. Until then, I’d been working primarily as a life coach with individuals (and I still do), but I began to work more specifically with relationships, recognizing that we have them with everyone in our lives (from the barista who gets us our coffee in the morning to the person we land in bed with at the end of the day). I realized they could all be designed and customized to fit the people in them.

This led me to working as a doula, supporting parents who were about to welcome new babies into the world. As I met with those couples, I noticed I was always asking the same questions:

What are you doing for your relationship before this little person arrives?

Have you considered that you will never again be “just a couple” and will forevermore be a “family”?

These conversations were incredibly satisfying; I loved knowing I was having an impact on how the world would greet and care for those sweet little muffins.

From there, I became an educator for The Gottman Institute; I guide couples through both The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work and the Bringing Baby Home programs, and I fold this work into all that I know about sex, communication, relationships, leadership and designing a union that works and lasts.

But along the way I realized I also had some work to do on myself. It would take courage, openness and tremendous strength.

While my ex-husband and I made an excellent Team together (IKEA assembly skills: MASTER) and were the very best of friends, there was a layer of intimacy that was missing between us that I see more clearly now that I am out of it. I know now that there was a fundamental “holding back” between us.

In 2008, before we separated, we went through a bit of a relationship crisis and realized the outcome was uncertain. We actually had a successful open relationship for the last few years of our marriage, and within that there was experimentation, both together and apart. I was introduced to the world of consensual non-monogamy, which has given me an open-minded acceptance that I bring to my work (many of my clients come from non-monogamous relationships and seek support in making them work).

Since our separation in 2010 (and at the time of writing this in February of 2016) I have essentially been mostly single and in a constant journey of growth and exploration . I have learned the difference between physical intimacy (I used to readily hand over my body and think I was allowing someone to get close to me) and emotional intimacy—the In-to-me-see intimacy.

But along the way I realized I also had some work to do on myself. It would take courage, openness and tremendous strength.

The former is no longer satisfying to me, and although the latter challenges me every day to bare my inner layers, I challenge myself to do it because I know it is ultimately a more satisfying way to live.

I no longer tolerate small talk about the weather; I seek Big Conversations that leave my soul touched and my mind fuller.

In late 2014, my beloved ex-husband began to struggle with his mental health quite seriously. In May of 2015, he took his own life.

As someone who knew him for half of my life and loved him as a partner and a friend, it was both an honour and tremendously stressful to support him during the last six months of his life. I speak openly about it so that the stigma around mental health can be brought into the open.

There is not a single moment that he is not with me as I do my work in the world. His life and his death have helped me to zero-in on what is really important: our relationships, our connections, the way our children see us communicating and relating to each other, and the safe place to land that we all deserve.

So yes, Tina, to answer your question: my work comes from the very core of who I am and what I believe to be true in this world. I am humbled by the growth and transformation I get to see in each and every client session.

Get real like sexy real, Tara

Have a question for Tara? Have an idea for a Hump Day conversation? How about just some thoughts about this thing called life? Let us know here. We’ll answer back. We promise.