Committed Relationships Archives

When Life ROCKS You

June 17, 2016

The great folks at the Good Mother Project got me thinking, when they posted an article about “Flashbangs”: the events in life that ROCK you and change life as you know it. The obvious one is the arrival of a baby and the transition into motherhood, but what else can challenge a marriage and create shifts no one could have ever predicted?

I know, right?

GOOD QUESTION.

This stuff is work talking about, before it happens, ideally.

I would love to know:

What rocked you?
How did you grow into it?
Did you grow into it, or did it leave a part of your relationship just a little fractured?

Time to spill, darling, because this is where relationship gets real, remember?

Get Real,

Sexy Real

Tara

Tara Caffelle is a Relationship and Communication coach. She is passionate about creating connected, almost-uncomfortable-to-watch relationships that are based in Sexy Communication and Big Lives worth rolling around in.

Tara is based in the Lower Mainland of Vancouver and offers custom-designed coaching programs. To claim your free 90+ minutes and see what might be possible for your own super coupledom (or persondom), find a time here.

Have a question for Tara? Have an idea for a Hump Day conversation? How about just some thoughts about this thing called life? Let us know here. We’ll answer back. We promise.

The 100% Lean In

March 3, 2016

I’m always going on and on about how we are in relationship with everyone in our lives, from our barista at Starbucks to whomever we land with in bed at the end of the day, and I also know that each of those relationships can be happily designed. We do this with the 100% lean-in.

Today, I want to focus on Starbucks. Yep, you read that right: it’s a great example of The 100% Lean in, and I think once you understand this, you can apply it all over the place.

Our job, if you will, as a customer at Starbucks, involves the following steps: enter the building (for the sake of argument, let’s not include the drive-through option), walk up to the counter, order our coffee, pay for our coffee, thank the barista, put whatever accoutrements into the coffee, and leave with said coffee. Doing all of these things without any sort of hiccups can be considered showing up for your job at 100%.

The barista’s job is to cheerfully take our order, accept our payment, deliver our beverage to us, and say thank you. Doing all of these things constitutes showing up 100%.

Are you still with me?

What I know is that 100% can look different on different days. I will outline what not-quite 100% looks like and how we can easily adjust to make it so.

Scenario: You get to the counter and realize you have forgotten your wallet in the car and have no way to pay for your beverage. What would make it 100%?: Ask for what you need. Tell the barista what has happened so that your order can be held until you can get your money and the line-up behind you can proceed with their orders.

Scenario: You are in in the middle of an important phone call on your mobile, and while you sincerely wish it would end in time for you to order your coffee, that is not the case, and instead of ordering, you must continue your conversation. (See how I give you the benefit of the doubt that you’re not just standing in line, staring at your phone, oblivious to all that is happening around you?). What would make it 100%?: Step aside, ask the person you are on the call with to give you a moment so you can order, or pretend you just went through a tunnel and hang up (it’s the nature of phones that people are able to call us back—cool, right?).

Scenario: You approach the counter and the barista is telling her co-worker about the wicked concert she saw last night, complete with an air guitar impression. What would make it 100%?: Trick question! This one is on the barista. You’re welcome to get the barista’s attention in a respectful way, but this is really up to the barista to make up the difference, and that is by ending her inappropriate conversation and take your order.

Scenario: The barista is nowhere to be seen and you peer over the counter and see that he is kneeling on the floor putting some cups away behind the counter. How to make it 100%: Again, this is up to the barista to make up. All that is needed is a quick “I’ll be right with you!”

Scenario: Hot coffee in hand, you go to the sugar-adding station and you get stuck behind a guy who has his stuff spread all over everywhere. You can’t even get to the sugar. What would make it 100%?: The guy can turn to you and say, well, anything. “So sorry, I’ll get out of your way” or (this is one I use all the time) “Argh! I’m quite a tornado, aren’t I? Can I pass you the cream?”

What this means for more intimate relationships:

In relationships that run a little deeper than coffee, we can apply these ideas; when you notice that you’re showing up less than your 100% ideal, explain why, and then ask for what you need. Conversely, if your partner is failing to show up and meet your expectations in a way that feels like 100% for you, ask (in a caring way) what is happening that you can maybe be more understanding about. (They may not have ready this post and be as in tune with what 100% looks like!).

A few quick examples come to mind:

● You have a deadline coming up at work and know you will be preoccupied all week. So you ask your partner for their patience and understanding

● You suffer from horrendous seasonal allergies, and your partner has planned a full day of fun on the day you have off together. You ask for a little time for your allergy meds to kick in.

● You meet an old friend for dinner and although you would love to really catch up, you can’t stop thinking about how your grandmother is really sick and you aren’t able to fly out see her. You explain to your friend why you are not really present.

Showing up at 100% looks different on any given day.

The good news is it’s really easy to notice when you’re falling short and ask for what you need to make up the difference.

It’s also worth taking a look at how, in our relationships, we sometimes lean in more or less than 100%, which can lead to resentment, and mistrust and a whole host of other things, but I will leave that for another week. Until then, go grab a coffee at Starbucks, and think of me!

Get Real, like Sexy Real

Tara

Have a question for Tara? Have an idea for a Hump Day conversation? How about just some thoughts about this thing called life? Let us know here. We’ll answer back. We promise.

I have a crush. Am I cheating?

February 18, 2016

Hey look! Tara received her first comment on TinaOLife – so she’s going for it. Ready…?This is a touchy subject for a lot of people. Ahhhh she’s totally got this for all of us. Read on.

READER: How about covering crushes and sexual attraction to other people besides your partner? I think it’s unrealistic to assume one will always be attracted only to one’s partner and I’d be interested to hear your take on it.

Tara – Personally, I am a huge fan of The Crush. I love feeling noticed in the world, I love getting to go home and tell my partner that I got hit on, I love sharing the excitement—in the bedroom and really everywhere—that I have a little thing going on. It will go absolutely nowhere but it is still so FUN.

I’ve said it before and I’ve said it again: we are humans and we are meant to have connection—intimate connection—with other humans. Sometimes this happens while we are in fully-committed, happy-as-a-pig-in-shit relationships. But it doesn’t have to threaten that relationship—despite how it might seem on the surface.

Here’s a simple thing to ask yourself: What does it really cost us to allow our partner to have this experience?

Usually nothing. So what’s the problem?

If you are threatened by this, that gives us a place to look. If we see our partner getting attention from someone else and we feel a pang of jealousy, we get to look underneath that and figure out what it actually means. Is it that we don’t feel like we’re getting enough attention from our partner?

Are we resentful that they’ve been away or busy a lot, leaving the bulk of the home responsibilities to us? There is almost always something underneath jealousy to explore (with a coach!). I know it sounds strange, but flirting and crushes and attention from outside our relationship can give us a renewed spring in our step in our relationships.

Trust me.

Think of couples who have a “Celebrity Freebie List”—a list of five or so (unattainable) celebrities that each partner is allowed to have a night of wanton sex night with, no-questions-asked, should the opportunity arise. Think of how fun that is to think about. It’s interesting, it can give you fun ideas for the bedroom (hello? Princess Leia in the gold bikini?), and it recognizes that although you have decided to share the most mundane moments of your life with another person, you are not dead. Even my Gramma used to tell me that although she had chosen her dish, she had no intention putting down the menu.

Years ago, I was with my ex-husband in Safeway and we were getting all the groceries for the week. It was really glamorous. He went to the deli counter, and to his delight, found that the 20-something blonde who said everything as though it were a question was flirting with him like he was a naked fireman. He was at the counter for a long time and when I finally went over to check on him, I noticed what was happening. I asked him something important, like, “Do we need mustard?” and he glanced at me and then blushed, before turning back to blondie.

I shook my head, rolled my eyes, and told him to have fun. I would catch him over by the lettuce when he was done.

It cost me nothing. He was beaming, from ear to ear to…other areas, and at the end of it, we were still committed, still paying the bills, still going home to the unfolded laundry together, right? There is a word I will borrow from the polyamorous community: “compersion”. Compersion is the flip side of jealousy, or the glee of seeing one’s lover falling in love with someone else.

Compersion, in a basic form, is what I was doing when my husband was flirting in Safeway. No, he was not falling in love, but I could definitely feel pleasure from seeing him feel attractive and noticed by a complete stranger. Don’t we all want our beloved to be happy and noticed and valued?

Now, when crushes go a little further and become emotional entanglements (emotional affairs), it’s important to have the wherewithal to recognize what is happening for yourself.

As I have asked MANY clients this over the years who seem confused about whether or not their behaviour could be considered cheating: Does your SPOUSE think this is an affair?

If they do, then it is. Period.

We all have a different threshold for what we consider to be “cheating”. If you have a crush on a co-worker, then the first thing to do—before you make excuses or make it okay, or make yourself wrong because you feel shame or guilt— is to talk to your partner and ask THEM what they think.

In this situation, it is important to measure against the comfort of the relationship and the person we are in it with.

Here’s the quick n’ dirty: we are all meant to live in community. It’s flattering when our partners get noticed (for us and for them), and it costs you nothing to allow this to happen.

And for shit’s sake: talk to your partner about it. If that’s hard, call someone (like me) to help you have that conversation.

I would love for you to give it a try; the next time you see your delicious mate being eyed up, roll your eyes and agree to meet them by the lettuce. Maybe you’ll get to reap the rewards of them feeling noticed and attractive by someone who isn’t you.

Get Real like Sexy Real, Tara.

Tara Caffelle is a Relationship and Communication coach who brings an approachable approach to guiding and inspiring couples and individuals. She is passionate about creating connected, almost-uncomfortable-to-watch relationships that are based in Sexy Communication and Big Lives worth rolling around in. Tara is based in the Lower Mainland of Vancouver and while tickled to talk to anyone (anywhere!) for a tweak n’ tune, she works only by invitation in custom-designed coaching programs. To claim your free 90+ minutes and see what might be possible for your own super coupledom (or persondom), find a time here.