Get Real Archives - TinaOLife

What’s Taboo to You?

April 13, 2016

What’s Taboo to You?

In my family, it seems like some things are too tragic to even talk about. A few months after my dear friend and ex-husband passed away last year, I had lunch with my aunt and uncle. At the end of the meal, during which we caught up on family and the weather and all those usual things, my aunt quietly reached across the table, lightly touched my hand, and with a nod, half-whispered “You’re doing all right, with….everything?”

I assured her that I was, because, let’s the be honest, the door hadn’t exactly been swung open to speak openly about my grief and the hell I found myself in. It felt easier to give her the answer she wanted to hear.

I remember a TV show in which the character’s mother would always whisper the word cancer, as if it was just too awful to say out loud.

But here’s the thing: not giving voice to things that are unpleasant to talk about does not make them go away.

If we choose to keep things to ourselves, we rob our loved ones of intimate moments with us from which we could all grow.

I, for one, would rather speak openly about, well, everything. In my sessions with clients (and even during dinner parties), I brazenly ask the questions about sex lives, the quality of relationships, and the taboo things that aren’t being said. It’s my super power.

Yes, some topics are very uncomfortable, and we don’t want to risk looking bad, looking stupid, being shamed, or being told that what we are saying doesn’t matter. When we choke back our words, not only is it toxic to our bodies to keep it bottled up, but it’s also the very opposite of intimate. It doesn’t help us to share our experiences and grow from them.

My clients often find themselves locked in quiet conflict with their partners because they’re afraid to speak up about the things that are troubling them. Instead of initiating a conversation in a safe, open way, they avoid the most important topics…and let them fester.

When we choke back our words, not only is it toxic to our bodies to keep it bottled up, but it’s also the very opposite of intimate.

My solution to this, and your invitation, should you choose to accept it, is to preface these topics with permission or a request for support.

Here are some examples:

● I’m feeling really upset about this and I’m not sure what’s happening for me. Can we talk about this some more?

● I have something I need to tell you and I’m scared that you’re going to be angry with me.

● Can I share an observation about what happened between us last night?

● This is really awkward and I’m not sure what to say.

● Please help me understand what you’re trying to say.

The next time you have something that you are tempted to keep to yourself because you feel triggered, or because you’re fearful of what might happen, try one of these on. You may be pleasantly surprised by the outcome of the conversation.

I will be speaking openly about all sorts of relationship-related things in my Play Space Salon and I would love to have you join me there on the second and fourth Thursdays of each month. To access the live salon, head on over to my Facebook page and tune in at 7pm PDT. You’ll be able to send me your questions and comments as we go. I look so forward to seeing you there!

Get Real, like Sexy Real.

Tara

Tara Caffelle is a Relationship and Communication coach. She is passionate about creating connected, almost-uncomfortable-to-watch relationships that are based in Sexy Communication and Big Lives worth rolling around in.

Tara is based in the Lower Mainland of Vancouver and offers custom-designed coaching programs. To claim your free 90+ minutes and see what might be possible for your own super coupledom (or persondom), find a time here.

Have a question for Tara? Have an idea for a Hump Day conversation? How about just some thoughts about this thing called life? Let us know here. We’ll answer back. We promise.

On Boats and in Life

March 23, 2016

When I was little, my family spent a lot of time at my grandparents’ cabin. It was about an hour from our house and we would drive there for the weekend so Dad could help Grampa with the property. I think Dad likely resented having to give up his weekends to labour away, but I have nothing but warm memories of my time there. I remember how I always, always got carsick on the drive, and the smell of the canvas life jacket I had to wear in the boat, and having a bath in the kitchen sink before I was old enough to have a shower in the stall. We would play cards, roam the woods in search of adventure and chase minnows and frogs from the dock. Now that both of my grandparents are gone, these memories are particularly sweet.

After a long weekend of work, it was finally time for some fishing and relaxation in the boat. We would all clamour in to troll around the lake, and I remember so clearly being invited to sit on my Grampa’s lap and steer the boat. I am pretty sure I beamed at the very idea of doing such a grown-up thing.

I would always get excited and madly turn the wheel, tilting the boat so it looked like it was about to flip over, which made my Gramma yelp and hold onto the seat.

My Grandfather would patiently remind me:

“Make small turns, and let it straighten out.”

(I remember him being patient, but I have a feeling there may have also been some very-loving shouts.)

It turns out my Grampa was pretty brilliant.

Yes, it made the ride in the boat smoother, and kept my beloved Gramma from heart failure, but my Grampa’s message resonated far beyond our boat ride. It is something I apply now to my life, my relationships and also my work.

Do we often see what we want to be different and then dive in, too far, too fast? Do we take the wheel and make a sharp turn that can’t be sustained without tipping over?

You bet your sweet ass we do.

It’s great to want to shift things in your lifes. It’s wonderful to want to be your very best self for your relationship. And it’s never a bad idea to try and transition and improve. The key in making any of these changes is to make them gradually and at a sustainable pace.

What does this mean for your relationships?

If you want to prioritize spending more time together as a couple, start with 15 minutes a day of connecting and talking about more than groceries and soccer practice. Ask your partner what they would have you do to support them in what they are wanting to do and who they are wanting to be.

If you would like your family to be healthier, avoid the drastic changes in diet and change one thing at a time. Find something fun for you all to do together.

If you want more physical intimacy in your relationship, start with non-sexual touching throughout the day; greet your partner warmly when they arrive home and tell them how happy you are to see them.

If you think you’d like a whole different career, don’t just quit your job: that could be seen as irresponsible. Instead, be intentional about your spare time, choose hobbies that are connected to the field you want to transition into, and make incremental (and sustainable) choices.

And most importantly, remember that it’s all in the recovery. When you do over steer, gently return to centre, and then keep going. Keep that boat upright.

Get Real, like Sexy Real

Tara

Have a question for Tara? Have an idea for a Hump Day conversation? How about just some thoughts about this thing called life? Let us know here. We’ll answer back. We promise.

Get Nookie With It

January 28, 2016

Q to Tara from TinaO as per last week’s set up (yup, we’re doing this for a month and then we’ll see where our lady C (TaraC that is goes with it).

Tara, last year Todd and I took part in your Nookie November campaign and man oh man did that bring up all of my ‘stuff’ around intimacy! It made my husband super happy and me too of course – but it was also incredibly frustrating as there was nowhere to hide from my own issues around closeness, sharing my body with someone and my control freakiness about having to follow instructions. Why did you launch this program? Surely isn’t wasn’t to trigger our defences… or was it?!

Um. YES.

Nookie November was something I’d been thinking about for a long time and I was so excited to bring it to life. It was homework I gave to clients all the time, so I thought it might benefit couples looking to create a little intimacy on their own.

30 Days of Intimacy sounds fun at the start – you wouldn’t believe how many dudes light right UP when they think they’re gonna get lucky every night for a month – but it really is an actual challenge. Some nights you’re tired, some nights you’re apart if one of you is traveling for work, sometimes your partner is a bit of a jerk and you just want to throw in the mouth guard and fall asleep.

It’s also not always even about sex. Intimacy and sex are very different things that are so often collapsed. The length of the challenge is inherently trigger-worthy on purpose. I know that intimacy, real, intimate intimacy, can set us off. It’s NAKED naked, and there is no where to hide. It’s a deeper layer being uncovered and it can be scary and as you’ve seen, super messy to be in. We often skip over it, avoid it, or just jump right into sex (more about this in a couple of weeks when I talk about my own stuff!), but my job is to challenge the defaults and see if shifts happen.

It’s not always even about sex.

And as I’ll talk about next week, Intimacy – capital “I” Intimacy, is really critical to the success of a relationship. It’s definitely a place where things show up if they’re going to, so I’m not surprised that you noticed some triggers.

Nookie November gave us access to this, the same way that a challenge in The Amazing Race can reveal disrespect or poor communication in a relationship. I was giving you tasks that would either get you to be more connected or would give us a glimmer of growth. Growth is good. And growth from falling outside a comfort zone is the best kind because it actually causes you to take up more space.

I was working with a couple last fall and gave them some sexual/intimate homework – one of the tasks from Nookie November. They came back with a whole pile o’ nasty that we got to unpack; body image issues, and some residual resentment over old hurts and they were missing some of the skills to get through discussing it all effectively. The default had always been to sweep it under the rug and go on with life, but this intimacy piece took them to a whole new place together, and because they were an amazing Super Couple, we folded it all in nicely and we turned hurt into compassion, and resentment into forgiving.

If we choose it, there’s learning in everything and it takes big, fat bravery to actually look at it together. My goal is always to have clients know themselves in a new way, so however that happens, whatever I can do to crack things open a little, I am going to invite clients to dive in. I gently push forward and then catch the debris when it’s messy.

It takes big, fat bravery to actually look at it together

One of my very favourite things – and I think it’s actually a perk of the job – is to witness the sweet intimate levels that couples find together. It inspires me, and it’s truly what gets me out of bed each day. It’s almost uncomfortable, it’s so sweet, and I love it. I get to listen as apologies are made, and partners hear what is happening from the other side and it is an honour every single time to witness as men and women grow and have more of them be truly seen.

It’s my job to create moments where there is opportunity to learn and grow, and this is something I bring into my Super Couple Intensives; it’s like Nookie November on CRACK!

And by the way, if any of this sounds interesting, I am currently accepting couples (a max of 6 that I hand-pick) into my next program that will run from March to June and the first step in is to claim your free consultation with me here.

Get Real, like Sexy Real, Tara

Have a question for Tara? Have an idea for a Hump Day conversation? How about just some thoughts about this thing called life? Let us know here. We’ll answer back. We promise.