Hump Day Archives - TinaOLife

What’s Taboo to You?

April 13, 2016

What’s Taboo to You?

In my family, it seems like some things are too tragic to even talk about. A few months after my dear friend and ex-husband passed away last year, I had lunch with my aunt and uncle. At the end of the meal, during which we caught up on family and the weather and all those usual things, my aunt quietly reached across the table, lightly touched my hand, and with a nod, half-whispered “You’re doing all right, with….everything?”

I assured her that I was, because, let’s the be honest, the door hadn’t exactly been swung open to speak openly about my grief and the hell I found myself in. It felt easier to give her the answer she wanted to hear.

I remember a TV show in which the character’s mother would always whisper the word cancer, as if it was just too awful to say out loud.

But here’s the thing: not giving voice to things that are unpleasant to talk about does not make them go away.

If we choose to keep things to ourselves, we rob our loved ones of intimate moments with us from which we could all grow.

I, for one, would rather speak openly about, well, everything. In my sessions with clients (and even during dinner parties), I brazenly ask the questions about sex lives, the quality of relationships, and the taboo things that aren’t being said. It’s my super power.

Yes, some topics are very uncomfortable, and we don’t want to risk looking bad, looking stupid, being shamed, or being told that what we are saying doesn’t matter. When we choke back our words, not only is it toxic to our bodies to keep it bottled up, but it’s also the very opposite of intimate. It doesn’t help us to share our experiences and grow from them.

My clients often find themselves locked in quiet conflict with their partners because they’re afraid to speak up about the things that are troubling them. Instead of initiating a conversation in a safe, open way, they avoid the most important topics…and let them fester.

When we choke back our words, not only is it toxic to our bodies to keep it bottled up, but it’s also the very opposite of intimate.

My solution to this, and your invitation, should you choose to accept it, is to preface these topics with permission or a request for support.

Here are some examples:

● I’m feeling really upset about this and I’m not sure what’s happening for me. Can we talk about this some more?

● I have something I need to tell you and I’m scared that you’re going to be angry with me.

● Can I share an observation about what happened between us last night?

● This is really awkward and I’m not sure what to say.

● Please help me understand what you’re trying to say.

The next time you have something that you are tempted to keep to yourself because you feel triggered, or because you’re fearful of what might happen, try one of these on. You may be pleasantly surprised by the outcome of the conversation.

I will be speaking openly about all sorts of relationship-related things in my Play Space Salon and I would love to have you join me there on the second and fourth Thursdays of each month. To access the live salon, head on over to my Facebook page and tune in at 7pm PDT. You’ll be able to send me your questions and comments as we go. I look so forward to seeing you there!

Get Real, like Sexy Real.

Tara

Tara Caffelle is a Relationship and Communication coach. She is passionate about creating connected, almost-uncomfortable-to-watch relationships that are based in Sexy Communication and Big Lives worth rolling around in.

Tara is based in the Lower Mainland of Vancouver and offers custom-designed coaching programs. To claim your free 90+ minutes and see what might be possible for your own super coupledom (or persondom), find a time here.

Have a question for Tara? Have an idea for a Hump Day conversation? How about just some thoughts about this thing called life? Let us know here. We’ll answer back. We promise.

Relationship or relationship?

March 31, 2016

let’s stop using so many capitals.

It has come to my attention that we spend a lot of time making things bigger and more important than they need to be and it makes these things scary and renders them somehow untouchable.

We’re all capable of amazing professional and personal accomplishments and rich, nourishing relationships. But sometimes, when we build our goals and priorities up into insurmountably huge obstacles in our minds, we freeze.

Wondering if you do this? I’m willing to venture that you do. Let me give you some examples from my own life and the stories I have been told by clients:

I like to meditate, but in my mind, it sometimes turns into Meditate, with a very capital M. I feel this heavy reverence when I think of it. I feel pressure to Meditate: sit in a perfect lotus position, and not be at all distracted while I meet up with the Dalai Lama in my head each morning before eating a pile of chia seeds and skipping off to a yoga class. And so because this all seems so darn arduous and frankly not fun at all, I skip the whole thing, tell myself I’ll do it tomorrow, and go back to my morning coffee. The next day, it’s lather, rinse, repeat.

A former client brought a proposal to me; she had been asked to write a Book. There were many pros and cons to taking on the project, but a big roadblock was that it was a Book and was thus very important and in need of serious concentration and setting-aside of other priorities. The Book wasn’t fun, but a book (little b) may have been.

I am looking forward to what will likely be an epic hiking trip this summer. When I tell people about the planning and the training, I often hear about how much others would love to Be Outdoorsy, or Go Hiking. You want to know my secret? I think of the West Coast Trail, and really any hike, as just a hike. You know, with a small h.

Small letters keep it all fun.

Are you in a relationship or a Relationship?

In our relationships, how often do we stress out trying to carve out Quality Time with our partner when just sharing space and spending time together would be really, really great? How about getting caught up in Sex, when little-s sex and the comfortable intimacy around it would fill you both up?

We have the tendency to make too many things so damn important, and in the process, we miss incredible joy in the small things that make up life.

Here’s your invitation this week:

Soak up the very presence of your partner. Drop the Date Night and the huge expectation, and just enjoy their sense of humour, their views of the world; laugh together and just be. Let go of the should of it (you should spend time together, you should feel close, it should be easy, etc.) and just delight in their company. When we capitalize anything (Meditate, Book, Sex, Quality Time or anything else), we make it a “should” when it really would be so much more fun as a “get to.”

Try it this week and see what shifts. And don’t be shy about letting it carry over to all the areas of your life: Getting Enough Exercise, Eating Well, Running Your Business, Relaxing With Your Hobbies, Spending Time With Family, and even Creating Memories With Your Children.

Ditch the capitals, and embrace that life can be lowercase and lovely.

get real like sexy real

Tara

Have a question for Tara? Have an idea for a Hump Day conversation? How about just some thoughts about this thing called life? Let us know here. We’ll answer back. We promise.

Intimates in Colombia

March 9, 2016

I spent the last week and a half of February in Colombia: I attended a dear friend’s wedding, and then I relaxed at a tiny resort where the biggest decision of my day was choosing a hammock in which to have my afternoon nap. It was glorious. And quiet. In more ways than one.

See, Colombia isn’t a country that speaks a lot of English. And I am not a traveler who speaks a lot of Spanish. You do the math.

What I learned: People in Colombia wanted me to eat, to be safe, to have a good time.

I survived with big smiles, excited clapping, pointing at menus, Google translator (when I had wifi), listening carefully for familiar words, and speaking loudly and slowly. (Oh yes, I did.)

My last morning in Colombia had me feeling stressed; I had complicated transfers beginning at 4 am from a somewhat-remote resort via taxi to the nearby town where I would connect with two different buses before reaching the airport that would take me to a major city for a connecting flight back to Canada.

WHEW!

Add to the stress the fact that I didn’t have quite enough cash to pay my various drivers along the way and would need to find a machine somewhere early on. An English-speaking staff member at the resort had lovingly arranged my entire trip for me, but I knew it was unlikely she would be around at 4 am to translate any further.

I thought ahead: I packed and was ready the night before, set a couple of alarms, and translated phrases I thought I might need into my phone and took screen shots that I could show them along the way.

Here’s what happened: I accidentally ordered a bottle and not a glass of wine at dinner the night before I left, and not wanting to waste it, I drank a lot of it and basically passed out. I woke up in plenty of time for my alarm, in my clothes, with the lights still on. I checked out of the resort with ease, met my driver, showed him my translation that said “Can we go to a cash machine so I can pay you?” and off we went.

I felt completely safe and taken care of. When the first banco machin-o didn’t work for my card, we looked for another, and each time, he stood outside the door and waited for me. We were a team.

Soon, I wasn’t worried about making my connections and even grabbed the tiniest of cat naps once I was safely on the bus.

It’s like I always say: we are in relationship with everyone we interact with.

For those brief moments, with my gruff, Spanish-speaking driver, we shared an intimacy that I am still talking about a week later.

I think that universally there is desire to connect, the same way our bodies want to maintain health. If we shoot Botox into our face, our muscles actually work around it and want to get back to what’s normal. This is why, if you use poison to still your beautiful facial expression lines, you need to repeat the treatment over and over again.

Similarly, we humans crave connection. When we don’t have it, due to language barriers or other zany circumstances, we find our way back to it.

Relationship wants to happen.

Stop fighting it. So many times, we get in conflict with each other and don’t realize that things just want to run smoothly. Rather than get in the way of it all the time, I invite you to consider what you can do and say that will create more intimacy with the people in your life. How can you join with the people around you to become team mates?

Try it and let me know what you discover. You don’t even have to go all the way to Colombia (although you could—they are lovely people and they will be very amused by your excited clapping when you finally decide what you’d like to order for dinner!).

Tara

Get Real, like Sexy Real

Have a question for Tara? Have an idea for a Hump Day conversation? How about just some thoughts about this thing called life? Let us know here. We’ll answer back. We promise.