Life Coach Archives

Tara Caffelle asks What are Your Foam Blocks? – BLOG

February 1, 2017

Believe it or not, I used to be a pretty serious weight-lifting sort. You would not know it by looking at me now, but I used to lift very heavy things in tiny, short sets, not caring that involuntary grunts escaped me as I did. I worked with a trainer who accepted absolutely zero bullshit from me, and I sometimes had trouble operating the clutch in my car after my workouts.

I’d arrive at Gold’s gym when they opened at 5am in order to get in my training for the day. At home, I would place my workout gear outside the door of my bathroom,and when the alarm went off, I’d shuffle to the bathroom, climb into my clothes like a little fireman, grab my shake and water from the fridge, and leave. I ate accordingly: egg whites and oatmeal for breakfast, followed by five more very strategic meals throughout the day. I drank 3L of water each day, and went for weeks without consuming alcohol.

The me that did all this would go to the occasional yoga class and scoff at the babies in the class – the people who gathered foam blocks and bolsters to comfort themselves during the class and a blanket with which to keep warm in the final savasana.

My punishing ways continued for years. I somehow tied good exercise to struggle and pain and the rejection of any sort of help. At the same time, I was of the mind that my body was my enemy, something to be fixed so that it looked right and was the proper size (whatever that even is!).

That was then.

This week, I went into my usual candlelight yoga class and as I made my way to a spot by the front window, I took a long, peaceful breath and absorbed the calm atmosphere. I took a sip of my green tea before I unrolled my mat and then went to select two foam blocks, a foam cushion, and a bolster.

As I bent to pick up the foam blocks, the ones that help you to get into some of the yoga poses and give your body a break, I smiled, delighting in what I noticed: I wasn’t hesitating for a moment in gathering these items to make my practice easier. Instead of telling my body “YOU’RE ON YOUR OWN!” I was offering it compassion and comfort and support.

It was a really nice thing to notice in the candlelight.

And, as I always do, I am going to apply this to our relationships (I’ve already done this with nearly every client I’ve spoken to since that yoga class!):

Our habit, in relationship, is often to make it fend for itself. We expect it to roll along with us, supporting our every desire while staying resilient and supportive. We treat it like a body-builder living on egg whites and muscle grunts.

What if we instead felt compassion, and gave our relationships what they needed? What if we grabbed a damn foam block and let it be easier?

The ‘foam block’ gets to be whatever you define it to be. Maybe your relationship would really like some quiet evenings at home, rather than an over-scheduled whir of activity. Maybe it wants more affection, care and kindness. The foam blocks in my relationship are making sure we have lots of snuggling time, planning fun outings outside of the house, and finding things to celebrate as we work hard to realize our dreams. These are the things that nurture us both and allow us to get into some pretty strenuous “poses” with ease. (Stay with me and my yoga analogy.)

The invitation is to see where you are not offering compassion to your partner or your relationship and then, preferably by candlelight and with some green tea, ask what it wants in order to feel supported.

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Get Real, Sexy Real.

Tara

Tara Caffelle is a Relationship and Communication coach. She is passionate about creating connected, almost-uncomfortable-to-watch relationships that are based in Sexy Communication and Big Lives worth rolling around in.

Tara is based in the Lower Mainland of Vancouver and offers custom-designed coaching programs. To claim your free 90+ minutes and see what might be possible for your own super coupledom (or persondom), find a time here.
Have a question for Tara? Have an idea for a Hump Day conversation? How about just some thoughts about this thing called life? Let us know here. We’ll answer back. We promise.

My Name is Tara and I’m a Jackass

May 19, 2016

You know what word I have written an alarming number of times in the last year?

JACKASS.

And also Jackassery and Jackassness.

Yes, I like to make up words, but this is a brilliant way to describe a lot of behaviours. I am the one pointing all of this out, but don’t think it’s because I am some magical non- jackass unicorn: I assure you I am not. I am just willing to call it out, and do what I need to correct my course.

There are many places where I see Jackassness:

In my work: when coaches start charging double and triple their rates in some sort of pissing contest to make clients prove they want to invest in the work, it feels like Jackassery to me. I won’t do it. Even eight years into this, I am still quite an affordable coach, and I intuitively charge what the work with any given client feels like it wants to be. It’s a little woo, but it works for me. When I do find myself more concerned with the invoice than being of service to the beautiful humans in front of me, I often apologize and bring it back to a place that feels right.

In traffic: I have a real strong value around fairness and consideration, so when some JACKASS cruises up the shoulder to get a car length ahead of me, or isn’t bothering to pay attention at a stoplight when it turns green, I often get a little incensed and let it get the better of me. I have also been the jackass in this; I’ve blocked an entrance to a parking lot while creeping along in traffic, and when the guy who couldn’t get into said parking lot asked me what my problem was (I am paraphrasing some very colourful language, here), I joined him in his anger and flipped him off. I know. I’m such a nice human.

In my friendships: many years ago, seemingly before I had a compassionate bone in my body, a dear friend of mine lost her dad, very suddenly. I was heartbroken for her, obviously, but you know what I said to her when we spoke weeks later? “I was disappointed that you didn’t call on me to support you in that.” Ouch. Jackassery. Right there. I quickly realized what a jerk thing to say that really was, and apologized, but I think it was a thorn between us for a long time.

In my dog-parenting: there are days that are legitimately full, where I am coaching and in meetings, and dashing off to the gym and whatever else I have planned, and the poor dog, to whom I was a single dog parent for a long time, slips to the bottom of the priority ladder. On other days, I am not as booked up, but just a lazy Jackass, and all I make time for is a quick stroll around the neighbourhood. I can’t fool Baxter, who gives me a look that says he knows very well that I have time for an actual dog adventure (Jackass level? MASTER).

In my relationships: I could list off a few examples here…there have been times when I’ve been thoughtless, selfish, and just a complete Jackass. I have whined when I am having a bad day and my partner is dealing with stress and unable to drop everything to appease me. When plans have changed because of a family or work obligation for my mate, I have been passive-aggressive in my disapproval.

Trust me, there has been plenty of Jackassery.

I think the key is what we DO about it. It’s in the recovery. I used to work for a fairly large rail tour company and I loved the mantra for any sort of SNAFU or chaos that disturbed the guests’ pleasure: “It’s all in the recovery.” Damn straight. The value lies in how it’s actually left.

I love that I get to apologize and make it right. I love that I get to be vulnerable and get closer to the people around me as I pull open my super-hero costume just a little and show my human-ness. Yes, it’s been hard, I won’t sugar coat that, but because I have been willing (not always, but a lot of the time) to call myself out, it’s worked out well, after all.

Sometimes we don’t get to make it right, as happens when I am in traffic beating myself up or hating on the people around me. That’s when I say say to myself, “Look at that lovely human, doing the best they can.” It helps. Sometimes.

So here’s my TinaO invitation this week: notice your Jackassery and then own it. Make it right somewhere. Try saying this: “I’m sorry. I was a total jackass earlier and it was not my intention. Can we have that conversation again and I’ll be nicer?”

Let me know how it goes, okay? I’ll be busy taking the dog on an adventure and making some apology calls.

Get Real, Sexy Real

Tara

Have a question for Tara? Have an idea for a Hump Day conversation? How about just some thoughts about this thing called life? Let us know here. We’ll answer back. We promise.

Chuck that Shit – Tara Caffelle Vlog

May 14, 2016

So, I have a bit of a love affair with the peeps on this site. I fell for Tara when we first sat down together a number of years ago and as is the courtship thang… love happens incrementally. So here’s the thing: I love listening to this gal. A few weekends ago we hooked up for a cuppa joe and some eggs and caught up on life, love and our vision.

I said to her: Thought bubble! oh man… I just had a thought! Would you be willing to VLOG for TinaOLife? There’s an energy to you that comes through only in experiencing you. You’ve got this kooky coolness that I think a vlog would capture differently than your writing. What do you think?

Guess what she said…

ummmm YES!

So here she is… speaking straight to you about making space by CHUCKING THAT SHIT…

Get Real, Sexy Real

Tara

Have a question for Tara? Have an idea for a Hump Day conversation? How about just some thoughts about this thing called life? Let us know here. We’ll answer back. We promise.

The Squishy Bits of Intimacy

February 3, 2016

Q to Tara from TinaO

A naturopath I once saw said to me that the definition of intimacy is not knowing what is on the other side of this very moment, and sharing that with someone else. How do you define intimacy and why is being comfortable with it so important to our well-being?

There are so many ways to look at intimacy—that’s one of the things I really love about it. It can be as deep as the fondness and trust we feel with the people closest to us, and it can be a glimmer of “we’re in this together” among strangers who are all stuck on the same elevator.

In my world, intimacy all comes down to one word: Connection.

What I know for sure is that we are not meant to exist only on the surface. It would be like only ever talking about the weather. Forever. Right? That very thought makes me want to jab a fork into my own eye and twist it around like I’m swirling spaghetti.

Intimacy is a leap—knowing the deepest, darkest places of ourselves, and then trusting our fellow humans to hold those pieces and not hurt us with them. A client said it beautifully: “It was like he asked to see the most awful, dark and scary parts of me so that he could hold them for me and love them, and give them back in a way that didn’t hurt me as badly. No matter what I threw at him from my dark spaces, it never scared him away.”

In my world, intimacy all comes down to one word: Connection.

I cannot stress enough: when we are intimate with other human beings, it makes our life and our existence take up more space. We are here to touch and be touched and to reach new levels of knowing ourselves through others. And yes, it’s difficult sometimes, so let’s get that out on the table. It’s not always easy, but I promise it’s worth it.

I remember a few years ago I ventured up to my hometown and attended my 20th high school reunion. It was interesting in many ways. As I sat with people who no longer knew me in the day-to-day, I felt the most known I had in a long time: these were the people who watched me grow up and knew the very essence of me. There was no hiding, in the best possible way. Later in the weekend, when I had a meltdown about still being single when all the others seemed to be happy and attached and raising families, I landed at my friends’ home, where I was staying.

…knowing the deepest, darkest places of ourselves, and then trusting our fellow humans to hold those pieces and not hurt us with them.

My best friend of more than 20+ years was actually out of town at a funeral, and her husband was holding down the fort and caring for the four kids. And me, apparently. I have known him just as long as his lovely wife, and he greeted me with a hug and said all the right things. He then invited me to lie on the trampoline, in the dark, to look at the stars. He brought out the iPad, and we identified all the constellations, and it struck me: without it being at all about sex, it was perhaps one of the most intimate moments of my life. I cracked open, he held my broken bits, and squeezed them back together as we looked at the sky, side-by-side in the dark.

And this is what I want people to know and for our kids to grow up watching: intimacy and connection. Seeing people around us, and having what they say matter deeply to us.

When kids see and know the adults in their lives more intimately, including the failings and joys, they are given permission to enjoy a similar connection as they grow with everyone around them. We get to change how the world works, starting with our children. If that isn’t exciting, I don’t know what is.

Intimate connection can be uncomfortable, but it doesn’t have to be too hard to even start. The first step is to be curious and interested. I invite you to try it tonight. Instead of asking your partner or the kids “How was your day?” (to which they will probably reply, “good”), pose a different sort of question:

What was your favourite part of today?

How did you know that I love you today?

How can this day end end in the best possible way?

Yes, it will feel weird at the beginning, but try. And if you get an “I dunno” in response, do what I do with clients and tell them to make something up and then see where it goes.

And I would invite you to branch out and try this with other people in your life, too. Get curious and interested about people who interact with you each day; challenge yourself to relate on a slightly more intimate level with one person at a time and pretty soon you too, will be bored by surface talk about the weather, and crave to know more.

Get Real, like sexy real, Tara

Have a question for Tara? Have an idea for a Hump Day conversation? How about just some thoughts about this thing called life? Let us know here. We’ll answer back. We promise.