LYBS Archives - Page 3 of 6

Dear Soul Dude – What is my Life’s Purpose?

April 25, 2016

Yesterday I announced that Soul Interpreter, Chris Dierkes will be sharing a regular post here on TinaOLife. If you missed it, here is what I’m so thrilled about.

Today we launch Chris’ column “Dear Soul Dude” and he’s chosen to nail a biggie: the soul and your life’s purpose. Oh boy. How many sleepless nights have you had rolling that question around over and over and over and over and over…? It makes my stomach flip just thinking about it. A few years ago I would wake up between 3am and 4am almost every night just twitching with this question. I would sedate myself with netflix in order to go back to sleep, usually by 6am, just when my ‘duties’ as mom was starting.

I love that we’re opening up Chris’ column with this delicious topic. Have a read. What are your thoughts? What are your questions? We’ll be sure to respond just as quickly as time allows. Ready? Let’s dive in!

I want you to help me find my purpose.

I want to discover my purpose in life.

When I talk to individuals considering entering into a soul work process this is the most common complaint and desire they bring with them.

I empathize with the sincere desire that underlies the statement. I think framing the the issue as finding or discovering one’s purpose is causing people huge amounts of unnecessary suffering and pain.

I believe wanting to discover your purpose in life is really problematic. But please hear what I am and am not saying in that statement. Undoubtedly the desire to express your soul is genuine. Conceiving of and framing that desire as finding or discovering your purpose is very bad.

Why? Seems sorta nuts to oppose people finding their purpose in life no? It might be a foolhardy quest but I’m going to try to persuade you that trying to find your purpose is an unhelpful approach to life. In order to get there however we first need a little background on the nature of the soul and its desires. Once we do that I hope you’ll understand why I’m arguing against looking to discover or find your purpose in life.

Be Careful (How You Frame) What You Wish For

The soul works through irresistible impulse, deep desire, and profound pull. The soul is a kind of generative germinator, a locus of longing. The soul is tidal; it’s energies build and gather intensity like the ocean’s waves. The passions of a soul incite it to movement and motivate it to action. The soul’s surge is an impulsion; it is kinetic, charged, dynamic.

Impulsion, drive, longing, these are the urges and surges of the soul.

Now the next step is to learn the fine art of creatively and judiciously beginning to ride those tidal impulses of the soul, to put those soul impulsions into concrete language. This path involves giving voice to these deep urges of the soul by letting them coalesce into intentions.

Intentions act as frames, as containers for these deeper-than-words groanings of the soul. Intentions give shape, consistency, and meaning to the soul’s sighs.

Intentions then are crucially important. There is a sweet spot where an intention has enough concreteness to give tangible shape and profile to a soul longing and yet is not so dense that it flattens the soul’s desire. This process of moulding a soul’s instincts into a life-giving intention is an art not a science. In other words, not all intentions are created equal. Some intentions, some containers are more congruent to the subtlety and power of a soul desire. Some less so.

The soul is more like an inclination. Soul longings incline in certain directions. They incline away from other directions. But these inclinations, these urges are not yet to be so narrowly defined as to efface the multiple ways that these longings can be practically realized and expressed.

The soul is more like an inclination.

As it comes to this particular topic of life path, the deep longing, the primordial urging of a soul, is to express its true nature, to irradiate the world with its singular light. This is universally the case for all souls.

That impulse is deeply felt by people. It’s a beautiful one. It’s very real.

Here then comes the mistake (in my view). That beautiful impulse of a soul is then interpreted and framed as needing to “find my purpose in life.” In naming the deep soul longing as such the person has inadvertently already begun to lose touch with the deeper impulse. They accurately sensed it but they have unfortunately mislabeled it and badly framed it.

The impulse is valid. The framework of interpretation is not. The latter distorts the former. What is needed then is the felt sense of the underlying tidal surging of the soul AND a more adequate frame to understand it, to seek to concretely surf it.

Finding Means Something Is Lost

If you begin with the proposition that you want to find your purpose you are describing your purpose as lost. When people say to me “they are looking for their purpose in life”, I’ll point my eyes up to the ceiling or look out the window or under the chair I’m sitting on. Looking for your purpose? Where? Where would a soul’s purpose happen to be?

I hear people describe finding their soul’s purpose or locating it like it was a buried pirate treasure. Unfortunately far too many practitioners (in my experience) play into this problematic dynamic. They sell themselves as helping someone “locate” their lost purpose as if it were indeed some kind of buried treasure. Practitioners will even claim they have some special map to their client’s purpose, complete with an X to mark the spot of the (other) soul’s inherent desires. Once someone becomes the expert on locating your lost soul purpose, they can immediately sell you this fanciful dream (or is it a nightmare?).

Looking for your purpose? Where? Where would a soul’s purpose happen to be?

The central error here is that the purpose of a soul is intrinsic to the soul itself.

The purpose is not somewhere else. Consequently you do not need to go on a journey to locate your supposedly lost soul purpose. You need not look outside yourself. There’s no reason for you to adopt some formulaic three, four, five, or ten step formula to activating your soul’s growth, potential, and purpose.

There’s the old saying of “if it ain’t broke don’t fix it.” In this case it would be “if it ain’t lost don’t find it.”

Your soul’s purpose is not lost. It’s inherent to the soul of you, to the soul of anything or anyone. The philosopher Aristotle described the soul as the animating principle, the essential mover of a being. In other words, that deep generative longing. That is inherent to you as an incarnate soul.

So there is no need to bring in some outside set of actions in order to “locate” your soul’s purpose. All that needs to happen is to let your soul out. What people call their purpose is really just the unfolding of their soul.

Consequently there’s no reason to abdicate your soul’s sovereignty to someone else, to some expert (self-proclaimed, valid or otherwise). All that is needed is learning to attend to the generative impulses of your soul that are always already motivating you from the depths. And then from there learning how to let them move, form, and solidify into life-giving, creative, loving action.

If you say you are looking to find your soul purpose then you will seek outwardly in vain. You will seek elsewhere than directly where you need to, namely the core animating tides of your soul. I use words like tides, urges, impulsions to describe this mysterious quality of soul because they speak to the subtle nature of the soul, to the soul’s fluidity.

Looking for your soul’s purpose is disempowering. It’s meant to be empowering but sadly it’s the exact opposite.

That’s the main reason I believe looking for your purpose is well-intentioned but nevertheless flawed. There are a few other major reasons as well, which I want to mention just briefly.

Such as, the soul is not bound by a or any purpose.

The soul doesn’t have a purpose. The soul is purposeful.

The key is to express the nature of your soul as it is. That is intrinsically meaningful, purposeful, and creative. It is so much simpler and more heartfelt than “finding your soul’s purpose.”

Peace, Chris

Chris is a long time spiritual practitioner and teacher. Raised in the Roman Catholic tradition, he has had a lifelong love affair with the Christian mystical tradition, however he is also well versed in a diverse range of lineages and teachings. He’s a strong advocate for shamanic forms of healing work and consciousness, as well as being a Reiki Master in three lineages of Reiki.

He works with with clients from a variety of backgrounds: from different religious traditions, spiritual but not religious folks, agnostics, seekers, and atheists.

He spent four years living as a monk in his twenties and later worked for three years as an Anglican priest in Vancouver.

He is a soul interpreter and an energy healer.

Chris lives in Vancouver with his beloved wife Chloe (a doula) and their daughter Sage.

Have a question for Chris? Want to check out his blog? Want to find out more? Check out his website and be sure to leave him a message below okay?

Living My Best Story

April 19, 2016

What do you do? People ask me this all the time and the truth is, I don’t have a freakin’ clue how to give people the answer they actually, truly want, but aren’t asking for.

Well, that’s not true, I can do it, but it would likely piss you off.

People want me to answer What do you do? with something like this:

I’m a writer.
I’m a salesperson.
I’m a seminar leader.
I’m a speaker.
I’m a professional network marketer.
I’m a consultant.
I’m a social media maven.
I’m a mom, a wife, a baker, a tri-athlete (in training), a cancer survivor, a friend, a mentor…

People (maybe even you) don’t really want to know what I do, you want to know who and what I am right? But that’s far too complex of a question to ask, and it’s certainly too much to answer over a quick chat in a bank line-up isn’t it? (Wait a minute, does anyone even go to the bank anymore?).

If I told you what I do by prattling off a long list of my activities you’d be like: “lady, I’m just making small talk, I don’t need your whole story”.

And that’s the issue for me. I am a story. You are a story. Every second of our day is another word, phrase, and paragraph of our living story.

So, when you ask me what I do, if I’m feeling empowered enough to hold your quizzical, yet kinda blank stare as you try to piece together the words that are falling out of my mouth into something that makes sense to you, this is what I would say:

You: So… What do you do?

Me: Thank you for asking, well… I Live My Best Story, and I inspire others to do the same.

You: Blank stare.

Four years ago I was not living my best story. At that time, I thought ‘story’ was something that happened ‘to me’ not through me. I thought that all of my broken promises, unrealized dreams, and misfortunes had happened to me, (me being the central character, yet object not subject of my story). I had been watching my life happen and since it had a bunch of successes in it like:

I’d completed writing multiple plays,
produced and directed a few quirky short films,
ran a successful small PR firm,
had been self-employed for most of my life… and paid the rent!
got married,
gave birth to three healthy boys,
had ample friends and was part of an active community,
***plus I had made it to the top of a network marketing business and even earned the company car.

Yup. I had ditched my childhood years of ‘never enough’ for a brand new white Mercedes Benz, and I had moved in to abundance town.

But it wasn’t my story, even though it was a good one.

I know. I know. We live in North America and it’s a LUXURY to build a life we love.

I know. I know. Millions of people all over the world are simply surviving each day. They don’t have a choice.

I know. I know. I should feel damn lucky and grateful for what I do have.

I know… I had been lamenting my first world problems. Poor little rich girl…

Still, it wasn’t my story, and if it wasn’t my story, it certainly couldn’t be my BEST STORY either.

I’ve always been blessed by having brilliant people around me, and my decades in the arts had taught me how to tell the truth, shake and quake while I did it, still, trust it somehow. So I asked my near and dear… What do I do now? Their answer came back loud and clear:

Launch your F**’k’n workshop Tina.

Gong… the bell in my own tower rung. Quiver quiver shake shake.

And that was the beginning for me. My best story chose me and not the other way around. You’ve heard me say this before: To whom much is given, much is expected, and if I’m going to live my best story, then bloody hell, you are too (if I have anything to do with it).

SO HERE ARE MY QUESTIONS FOR YOU:

Is your past in the way of your present?
Have you hit the wall of your own beliefs?
Are you saddled by uncertainty?
Are you always in the ‘almost’ position instead of ‘arrived’?
Are you living someone else’s story instead of your own?
Is your story brighter than you’re willing to step in to?

If so, you might be where I was four years ago and you might want to come and Live Your Best Story with me for a weekend.

Our upcoming retreat (12 spots only) is May 27th – 29th. Click here to register (at the friends of rate!), or send me an email and we can chat about what’s really going on with you and see if a weekend away might just be the answer to your restlessness.

LYBS sign — Live Your Best Story with facilitators: Tina Overbury, Nicolle Nattrass, Dr. Carolyn Nesbitt and Cindy Schreyer

What do I do? I live my best story and I inspire and support others to do the same.

xxT

Send me an email at tina@liveyourbeststory.com

TinaO is a writer, speaker and the founder of TinaOLife – a hub for all things worth living for, the workshop Live Your Best Story, and her coaching practice: Tall Poppy Living. She’s also a professional network marketer with a decade in the industry and with her Tall Poppy Living for Network Marketers Coaching Program, she teaches: selling isn’t slimey and marketing isn’t make-believe. You can be yourself and be successful in Direct Sales.

Dear Tina #3, Teach Others to Listen

April 14, 2016

Yesterday I decided to stop pretending.

Yesterday I decided to ‘come out’ – can I even use that term if I’m not gay? Can ‘coming out’ apply to being ‘seen’?

Yesterday I quaked a little bit, you know the human part that worries that people will think you’re weird and you’ll end up alone, wandering back alleys with nothing but stray cats following you, their bent tails resembling the off-ness of you, eating samosas out of a bag, muttering poetry with every step, and wearing nostalgic too old sneakers and smelling like patchouli…? That part. I quaked about the possibility of all of that happening, and then I decided to risk it. But then, I kinda like the smell of patchouli.

Yesterday I didn’t stop until the message stopped me.
Yesterday I decided I’m going to be seen.
Yesterday I said I am. I do. I share.
Welcome to my page: Work with TinaO

Here it is:

I’m committed to helping you to LIVE.

That’s a pretty broad statement isn’t it? Yes, I think so too. Yet that’s what I’m here for, and that unique message was delivered straight to me via me through my very own Dear Tina journal…

My Dear Tina personal practice began on March 13th 2014, and through these very pages, my own calling to help others truly live is what showed up. And who am I to argue with myself? Because that would be kinda silly don’t you think?

What am I talking about?

Life.

Living.

You know, this ride we’re on for however long we’re invited to be here (which none of us knows how long that will be even though we talk a big talk and stay up at night thinking about or avoiding it).

It’s this thing called LIFE, and it’s super distracting (oh the schedules, appointments, paperwork, pings, dings, deadlines), often ridiculous (the fights, flights, climbs, and confrontations), kind of depressing (broken dreams, resentments, shattered hearts, deaths and disappointments), is also wildly thrilling (think: love, laughter, accolades and ambition), is fantastically possible (with our bucket lists, breakthroughs and aha moments), and is ultimately, an intoxicating ride (hate it, love it, forget about it, and want it…) called LIFE.

My work is to help you LIVE FULLY without having to:

FIGURE IT OUT or
ESCAPE from what you don’t understand.
Live only in the ‘meditative or spirit world’
or be an EXPERT.
or be a LEADER.
or become ORGANIZED.
or know how to PRIORITIZE.
and for freak sakes… to once and for all FINALLY GIVE UP the painful practice of NEEDING TO BE ON TOP OF IT ALL.

Gawwwwd aren’t you exhausted of being on top of it all???

I sure was. It gave me cancer. And that’s how I came to be here with you.

Dear Tina…

…teach others to listen, what to listen to, how to navigate the voices. Dec. 26th 2014

…You will create a process for people to follow that encourages self listening. December 26th 2014

…Show others the way through the mess of busyness. It is not necessary. Lead Tina. Lead. August 2015

…Disease is transformation Tina, and you have transformed. Do not shrink back. August 29th 2015

…You have been asked to help others connect to the whole self. You’ve been asked to help people reacquaint themselves. December 1st 2015

So there it is.

And that is how I will work with you. You will learn how to listen to your innate wisdom and together we’ll build a way of LIVING that is truly yours.

I call it Your Living Story, or #liveyourall

I showed it to my husband because he has the best ‘total-bull-shit-sniff-test’ out there.

and I passed his ‘sniff’.

I’ll never forget the day I shook in my boots across our kitchen island, over the toast and butter and apples and and and… clutching my Sunday morning coffee, crazy weekend hair flying and sheepishly looked up and said to him: “I think I want to write a book, speak, and run workshops and stuff. I can’t stand the expert industry, but I think I might be one. I don’t want to lose you. Will you still like me?”

He said: Tina, that train, your train has already left the station, you just haven’t decided to get on yet. I know you. This is who you are. It’s who you’ve always been.

That was almost four years ago now.

Welcome to TinaOLife,

to Dear Tina,
to Tall Poppy Living,
to Tall Poppy Living for Network Marketers and
to Live Your Best Story.

These are my offerings.

xxT

p.s. if you are a cancer survivor or have loved ones you’d like to honour, check out my #100love campaign. I swim, bike and run for them.

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What’s Taboo to You?

April 13, 2016

What’s Taboo to You?

In my family, it seems like some things are too tragic to even talk about. A few months after my dear friend and ex-husband passed away last year, I had lunch with my aunt and uncle. At the end of the meal, during which we caught up on family and the weather and all those usual things, my aunt quietly reached across the table, lightly touched my hand, and with a nod, half-whispered “You’re doing all right, with….everything?”

I assured her that I was, because, let’s the be honest, the door hadn’t exactly been swung open to speak openly about my grief and the hell I found myself in. It felt easier to give her the answer she wanted to hear.

I remember a TV show in which the character’s mother would always whisper the word cancer, as if it was just too awful to say out loud.

But here’s the thing: not giving voice to things that are unpleasant to talk about does not make them go away.

If we choose to keep things to ourselves, we rob our loved ones of intimate moments with us from which we could all grow.

I, for one, would rather speak openly about, well, everything. In my sessions with clients (and even during dinner parties), I brazenly ask the questions about sex lives, the quality of relationships, and the taboo things that aren’t being said. It’s my super power.

Yes, some topics are very uncomfortable, and we don’t want to risk looking bad, looking stupid, being shamed, or being told that what we are saying doesn’t matter. When we choke back our words, not only is it toxic to our bodies to keep it bottled up, but it’s also the very opposite of intimate. It doesn’t help us to share our experiences and grow from them.

My clients often find themselves locked in quiet conflict with their partners because they’re afraid to speak up about the things that are troubling them. Instead of initiating a conversation in a safe, open way, they avoid the most important topics…and let them fester.

When we choke back our words, not only is it toxic to our bodies to keep it bottled up, but it’s also the very opposite of intimate.

My solution to this, and your invitation, should you choose to accept it, is to preface these topics with permission or a request for support.

Here are some examples:

● I’m feeling really upset about this and I’m not sure what’s happening for me. Can we talk about this some more?

● I have something I need to tell you and I’m scared that you’re going to be angry with me.

● Can I share an observation about what happened between us last night?

● This is really awkward and I’m not sure what to say.

● Please help me understand what you’re trying to say.

The next time you have something that you are tempted to keep to yourself because you feel triggered, or because you’re fearful of what might happen, try one of these on. You may be pleasantly surprised by the outcome of the conversation.

I will be speaking openly about all sorts of relationship-related things in my Play Space Salon and I would love to have you join me there on the second and fourth Thursdays of each month. To access the live salon, head on over to my Facebook page and tune in at 7pm PDT. You’ll be able to send me your questions and comments as we go. I look so forward to seeing you there!

Get Real, like Sexy Real.

Tara

Tara Caffelle is a Relationship and Communication coach. She is passionate about creating connected, almost-uncomfortable-to-watch relationships that are based in Sexy Communication and Big Lives worth rolling around in.

Tara is based in the Lower Mainland of Vancouver and offers custom-designed coaching programs. To claim your free 90+ minutes and see what might be possible for your own super coupledom (or persondom), find a time here.

Have a question for Tara? Have an idea for a Hump Day conversation? How about just some thoughts about this thing called life? Let us know here. We’ll answer back. We promise.

The Radiator

April 8, 2016

The Radiator

The cat mewls loudly,

curled up in the corner

by the purple radiator.

You know, that’s a damn ugly color

to paint a radiator.

I’ve lived in this apartment nine years,

a long time to live with an eyesore.

How many thousands of times

have I glanced at it,

and failed to notice

that it resembles a giant accordion

repeatedly vomited on by a wino?

A wino, who by an involuntary disposition,

or by a conscious act of will,

took to not noticing things

until the things were taken away or lost,

except the wine bottle and the sickness

in the morning and the head

that has lost even the words

that float in pieces in a fog where they

can’t be held down and made to say

more than “I’m sorry.” or “Please.

or sometimes a name that seems

to have something to do with him.

I might be more like this man

than I’d like to admit.

My remaining family members

numbering three and we don’t speak

across the thousands of literal miles.

My youthful ideals as valuable as play money

in the world’s marketplace,

purchasing only chuckles or blatant scorn.

My idiotic proclamations of genius

as idiotic as they sound.

I seem to be disappearing

over these many years,

but only now noticing it,

but the wino is only a scarecrow

something I’ve made up right?

I notice the radiator resembles

the bunched brow of a malicious entity,

some steel radiator god

that glowers behind what we fail to see,

and despises men such as myself

Rodney DeCroo is a songwriter, poet and playwright. He has released 6 full-length albums, an album of poetry set to music (Allegheny), a book of poetry (Allegheny, BC) and a theatre production (Stupid Boy in an Ugly Town) that received critical acclaim at several Canadian fringe and writers festivals. DeCroo wrestles with regret, loss, aging, love, memory, death, art—always with his own ongoing recovery embedded in the background. DeCroo’s album and performances draw upon his greatest natural resource—his poetry.

Want to buy his music? Find him here on itunes. Want to catch him in concert? Check out his calendar here.

iRelationships

April 8, 2016

iRelationship?

I don’t know about you, but I have a love/hate relationship with my technology. I happily leave my phone at home when I am out in the woods, for instance, but then wish I had it with me to take photos of beautiful views. I try to make rules for myself about when and where I am allowed to look at it, but it’s still my alarm clock, and although I rarely need an alarm to wake up with these days, I need it to wake me up when I have somewhere to be. I love the convenience, and hate that I’m so dependent.

When I was in Colombia in February, you’ll recall that I didn’t speak a lot of Spanish and was also travelling alone. The only “company” I had was when I could use wifi to chat with the boyfriend, my assistant, my editor, and anyone else who would interact with me.

The whole experience of only being able to type to communicate for the entire time I was away got me thinking:

How have relationships changed with technology?

How well can we possibly communicate with only a tiny keyboard and rampant auto-correct?

This led me to investigate new ways of being with my phone and the relationships in my life (something I have also pondered here).

To start, I went to Tara’s Play Group, (a private Facebook group you’re invited to join!), and asked:

“What are the last three texts that you and your sweetie exchanged?”

What I found was a lot of what I expected: Folks forgot their lunches. Some couldn’t find a place to park. Some were encouraged to shop for things that would bring joy. Many plans were made to consume food. One couple was shopping for dog beds.

There were also proclamations of love with expletives for emphasis. But on the whole, the text messages were hardly love letters.

I considered how relationships looked 10, 20 and 50 years ago. My grandparents didn’t text, they would make plans (and keep them); my grandfather would call on my gramma to see her. My parents relied on notes left on the kitchen counter to communicate when they couldn’t manage to connect in person. I would write notes on loose-leaf paper, fold it carefully into an origami square, and slip it to the high school boy of my dreams as we passed in the hallways.

The reality is, technology is a huge part of our current relationships and it’s here to stay. But I can’t help but wonder if it’s splintering our conversations with our loved ones into a bunch of disconnected updates.

Maybe we need to think about being more intentional with our communication, and consciously notice how it fits into our lives. Just like with the inevitable shifts that come in relationships over time—from the ooh-la-la-in-love stuff to the mundane and settled—our technological exchanges seem to shift, as well. But that doesn’t mean we don’t get a say in it.

The reality is, technology is a huge part of our current relationships.

One action item I am taking on is to really notice my partner and the people with whom I communicate. Instead of the usual equivalent of a non-verbal grunt over text, I am taking time to notice and see. I am telling my Mister that I loved watching him play with the dog this morning and that I really appreciate that he made me coffee before leaving for work. I’m starting to write actual letters to share news, instead of drafting an email or a short text.

What do you think: does technology have a negative impact on your relationships? What will you do to be more present while also using it?

Its time to get real, like sexy real.

Tara

Have a question for Tara? Have an idea for a Hump Day conversation? How about just some thoughts about this thing called life? Let us know here. We’ll answer back. We promise.

Intimates in Colombia

March 9, 2016

I spent the last week and a half of February in Colombia: I attended a dear friend’s wedding, and then I relaxed at a tiny resort where the biggest decision of my day was choosing a hammock in which to have my afternoon nap. It was glorious. And quiet. In more ways than one.

See, Colombia isn’t a country that speaks a lot of English. And I am not a traveler who speaks a lot of Spanish. You do the math.

What I learned: People in Colombia wanted me to eat, to be safe, to have a good time.

I survived with big smiles, excited clapping, pointing at menus, Google translator (when I had wifi), listening carefully for familiar words, and speaking loudly and slowly. (Oh yes, I did.)

My last morning in Colombia had me feeling stressed; I had complicated transfers beginning at 4 am from a somewhat-remote resort via taxi to the nearby town where I would connect with two different buses before reaching the airport that would take me to a major city for a connecting flight back to Canada.

WHEW!

Add to the stress the fact that I didn’t have quite enough cash to pay my various drivers along the way and would need to find a machine somewhere early on. An English-speaking staff member at the resort had lovingly arranged my entire trip for me, but I knew it was unlikely she would be around at 4 am to translate any further.

I thought ahead: I packed and was ready the night before, set a couple of alarms, and translated phrases I thought I might need into my phone and took screen shots that I could show them along the way.

Here’s what happened: I accidentally ordered a bottle and not a glass of wine at dinner the night before I left, and not wanting to waste it, I drank a lot of it and basically passed out. I woke up in plenty of time for my alarm, in my clothes, with the lights still on. I checked out of the resort with ease, met my driver, showed him my translation that said “Can we go to a cash machine so I can pay you?” and off we went.

I felt completely safe and taken care of. When the first banco machin-o didn’t work for my card, we looked for another, and each time, he stood outside the door and waited for me. We were a team.

Soon, I wasn’t worried about making my connections and even grabbed the tiniest of cat naps once I was safely on the bus.

It’s like I always say: we are in relationship with everyone we interact with.

For those brief moments, with my gruff, Spanish-speaking driver, we shared an intimacy that I am still talking about a week later.

I think that universally there is desire to connect, the same way our bodies want to maintain health. If we shoot Botox into our face, our muscles actually work around it and want to get back to what’s normal. This is why, if you use poison to still your beautiful facial expression lines, you need to repeat the treatment over and over again.

Similarly, we humans crave connection. When we don’t have it, due to language barriers or other zany circumstances, we find our way back to it.

Relationship wants to happen.

Stop fighting it. So many times, we get in conflict with each other and don’t realize that things just want to run smoothly. Rather than get in the way of it all the time, I invite you to consider what you can do and say that will create more intimacy with the people in your life. How can you join with the people around you to become team mates?

Try it and let me know what you discover. You don’t even have to go all the way to Colombia (although you could—they are lovely people and they will be very amused by your excited clapping when you finally decide what you’d like to order for dinner!).

Tara

Get Real, like Sexy Real

Have a question for Tara? Have an idea for a Hump Day conversation? How about just some thoughts about this thing called life? Let us know here. We’ll answer back. We promise.

If it ain’t delicious, why eat it

March 2, 2016

We get offers every day. We listen to sales pitches ad nauseum. We see opportunities every hour. We make decisions every ten seconds (or less!). How do you know what to choose?

We get up, we create a ‘to do’ list. We go to bed, we get on ourselves about our ‘to be’ list. We wander through each second, minute, hour, day, week, year, stage, our freakin’ lifetime like we’re in a field of apples and we haven’t got a clue what to eat, and we’re terrified that we can only carry that which we’re able to hold.

How do you know which ones to pick up? Which ones to keep?

Which ones to sink your teeth into?

Follow what is delicious. That’s what I say. Well, it’s what I say now, but not a few years ago. I heard it from my dear friend of mine, Kiran, Mystic Girl in the City , and the author of Tools for Sanity.

That’s what SHE says.

Do what feels delicious.

One day when I was in the throws of family-mama-pandemonium, I was telling her all of my multiple REASONS WHY everything SUCKED, was FALLING APART and COULD NEVER WORK and WOULD NEVER WORK… and then she lovingly took my entire sucky day apart minute by minute and wove the pieces back together from the perspective of what could’ve happened had I followed my ‘delicious yes’ instead.

I thought she was crazy, or rather, ‘just crazy enough’ as I liked to put it – now it’s sanity man. Following your delicious yes is LIVING SANITY.

She was right. The idea of following your delicious yes is as simple as choosing the fork in the road that you sense is the MOST DELICIOUS.

If it doesn’t look delicious, smell delicious, feel delicious, sound delicious, resonate in your hand as delicious… guess what? It probably ain’t delicious, at least for you, or at least right now.

So don’t eat it.

Put that apple down and walk away. There’s a beautiful ripe, red, shiny one over there – just waiting for you to pick it up because it’s delicious. Devour it.

Thanks Kiran. You changed everything that day.

xxT

TinaO is a writer, speaker and the founder of TinaOLife – a hub for all things worth living for, the workshop Live Your Best Story, and her coaching practice: Tall Poppy Living. She’s also a professional network marketer with a decade in the industry. She teaches: selling isn’t slimey and marketing isn’t make-believe. You can be yourself and be successful in Direct Sales.

Trump – We are Part of the Problem

February 27, 2016

Yes, like you, I have multiple opinions about whether Donald Trump is worth even a second of our consideration… but that is not what this post is about. I appreciate the video below for a number of reasons but in brief, here is why:

I have a real bee in bonnet about selling and the insanity in both the sales/marketing/branding profession and how we interact with it. Part of my focus on TinaOLife is to bring up this conversation again and again, calling out those of us in the sales and marketing industry to get better at what we do. In short, I’m asking if you are willing to fix something that is incredibly broken. We are indeed a blister in the sun. And something tells me we’re about to burst.

A lot of factors are contributing to the rise in popularity of Donald Trump as a contender for the Republican nomination, but I’m only going to address ONE of them – because it’s the one that makes me itchy. Yes I do squirm just a little bit, biting my cheek on the inside and jamming my toes into my shoes trying to keep from screaming. Bwahhhhh Grrrrrrahhhhhhhh!!!! It’s like I want to throw up violently but I can’t.

So I’m going stretch us a little k? I’m connecting the dots between sales, marketing, branding, message and our relentless chasing of the illusion of STATUS (and that’s all it is folks, an illusion).

We as sellers position ourselves and our message to you this way:

I know more than you.

I have more for you.

I sell more than anyone.

You want more.

I’ll give you more than anyone else can.

And then there’s the weird status thing we do around the pricing of our product, and the stories we make up to justify why people do or don’t buy our stuff:

When you say you can’t afford it – it’s not true.

When you say, I’m not sure yet – you’re just hiding.

When you say, I need time to think, – you’re making excuses.

Status. We have such a magnetic pull to it. We want it. You could say I’m doing it now by calling bullshit on sales tactics, and maybe I do. It’s still worth examining don’t you think?

Status. So then we decided that we live in an abundant universe, and that anything we want we can have simply by naming it, writing it down, and ultimately, manifesting it. Therefore, all of the customers who aren’t reaching our pricing structure are the ones who are living in a false reality. It’s their fault, they simply aren’t thinking abundantly enough.

I’m not saying that this perspective is all hooey, and that The Secret, Lisa Nichols, Jack Canfield and all the others are wrong – I’m adding to the equation another question which is: What kind of a charge (like an electric zap in the belly) do you get when you hold that perspective as true? Here’s what I mean:

Wouldn’t it be interesting to get to the place as a seller or a buyer where there is no ‘charge’ at all around a price. It’s neither expensive or inexpensive, it’s just a number. It either fits a budget or it doesn’t. It either matches the buyer/seller’s values or not. What if price wasn’t about STATUS at all? I wonder how much we would be willing to charge and/or pay.

Why am I here when I’m talking about Trump, marketing and selling?

Because money is LOADED with electric charges and then fueled by our stories.

Because how we price our products often informs how we sell, market, and brand them. Here’s a kicker, most products are sold at the price of ‘what the market will bare’.

Yet we are the market.

And we set it by what we’re willing to believe in.

Connect that back to Trump. What are we willing to believe in and why?

So let’s talk about honesty and marketing shall we? We’ve become so ‘skilled’ at positioning, so ‘smart’ at messaging, so ‘strategic’ with our choice of words, colours, audience, timing, logos, hooks, offers, calls to action, reach etc… that when somebody shows up like Trump, and just speaks ‘his truth’ – it staggers us for a second, and we’re drawn to it. It catches us off guard. And then when ‘his truth’ gets louder, with less restraint, and with more Alpha-Dog in him, it comes off kind of refreshing somehow because he’s cutting through the noise – never mind how costly his perspective may be (again, think back to pricing – same story).

We are all so EXHAUSTED from being sold to by slick campaigns with sensational promises that this guy, because he’s ‘not a politician’, because he’s ‘not packaged’, because he IS ‘impulsive’, because he DOES ‘show his true colours’, becomes appealing. This guy has STATUS because he’s being ‘himself’ and lots of people are gobbling it up.

Again, you may ask, what does this have to do with sales and marketing… well, it’s the underpinning of our mistrust because we simply can’t get away from it.

Here’s my suggestion: when people in sales, marketing and branding stop strategizing and start simply TELLING THE STORY of the PRODUCT or the STORY of their SERVICE – by SERVING THE STORY instead of the SALE, then we just may begin to trust voices of ‘reason’ again, and dudes like this won’t be given the time of day.

Imagine if we didn’t ‘sell’ being honest, we just were.

Imagine if we didn’t need to be ‘clever’ to attract an audience but instead, our straight goods became so crystal clear that the ‘right’ people could find us.

Imagine if sales people weren’t trained to overcome objections, if marketers weren’t taught how to ‘get inside the mind of consumer’, if branders didn’t ‘position’ the sale.

Imagine if the products we sold were good enough and our belief in them so deep and strong that we didn’t need to figure out the ‘formula’ to successfully sell them?

When we can all give up the insanity of trying to out play one another, perhaps bombastic, self-serving, opportunists like this guy, Mr. Trump, wouldn’t be so appealing. It’s not funny. It’s not entertaining. It’s not even scary (well, maybe it is), its really quite sad. Our culture has lost touch with it’s humanity, with our heart beat of being seen and known.

It’s time to be courageous, reclaim our power by being honest.

What do you say people in the sales, marketing and the branding industry… you with me? I’m not suggesting that we’re ultimately responsible for people like Trump getting to where he is, but I am suggesting that we’re part of the problem. The truth never needed to be clever. Good products never needed to be louder than everyone else, and consumers shouldn’t have to read between the lines in order to figure out if they can trust you and your brand or not.

Trump, with his blatant, boundary pushing and now rise to popularity is a lesson for all of us. He can cut through the noise because he’s just being him. Like him or not, he’s Trump and he’s pretty darn comfortable being that. If only we were too.

xxT

TinaO is a writer, speaker and the founder of TinaOLife – a hub for all things worth living for, the workshop Live Your Best Story, and her coaching practice: Tall Poppy Living. She’s also a professional network marketer with a decade in the industry. She teaches: selling isn’t slimey and marketing isn’t make-believe. You can be yourself and be successful in Direct Sales.

Four Agreements for Relationships

February 25, 2016

I read the actual Four Agreements book several years ago and vomited in my mouth a little; although quite popular and I’m sure groundbreaking if you are, say, new to the planet, I found it overly simplistic and a complete waste of time—do we really need to be told to act with integrity and not gossip? Do we really need a whole book to illustrate this? And it was written as though this was some magical ancient wisdom being passed down through the centuries when to me, it was simply common sense.

I have found, in the last several years, as I’ve spoken to clients and groups, that a few agreements seem to come up again and again when it comes to relationships: I have piled them together for you here in this tiny little blog post.

This is some of my most cherished wisdom. It might just be your lucky day.

Agreement #1

We all have a right to notice what is happening around us and voice it.

Imagine this scene: you’ve arrived at a dinner party and you notice that your partner is acting quite coldly to the hosts. You are fully aware that your partner doesn’t really like these people, so you assume that he/she is having a lousy time and wants to leave for that reason.

What if, instead of assuming and maybe fuming that your partner was ruining your night, you actually noticed what was happening and voiced it? “Darling, you seem a little off tonight. What’s happening for you?”

Your partner can then explain what is actually going on to make them behave in this way. Maybe they just found out that they are being laid off from work and didn’t want to spoil your evening with the news, or maybe he/she spotted the host sneaking off to a hotel room with a stranger and is uncomfortable. It could be either of these or none of these—you don’t know!

This one is actually a secret intimacy-builder: when we notice and connect with the people around us with our observations, it creates intimacy. Even with strangers, and especially with the people we love the most.

Think about what could have happened in each of these examples:

You notice an overwhelmed mom in the parking lot of the grocery store, juggling a baby and a toddler and a cart full of crazy, and you say, “It looks like you’ve got your hands full—can I help?”

You’re waiting in line to board a plane at the airport and notice that the woman next to you is reading a book that you just finished and hated and you say, “I see you’re reading Fifty Shades of Awful Writing. How are you finding it?”

Your daughter comes home from a school dance and seems quiet and sullen and you say, “You don’t seem to be as excited as you were before the dance started. What was it like?”

We are always allowed to observe, and let’s be honest: we’re all doing it all the time, and we are also making assumptions about what we see. When we voice what we see, we invite other people to be intimate with us. And in case you’re new here, I will remind you that I think that is the name of the whole game.

Agreement #2

We can (and have a responsibility to) ask for what we need.

I remember this really vividly: I was spending the summer with a beloved aunt who lived several hours away from us. I think her work schedule had conflicted one afternoon that I was there, so she asked a friend who ran a daycare to entertain me for the afternoon. I basically just hung out and read while she tended to the little kids in her care.

I remember being absolutely starving and being too shy to ask for something to eat. I assumed that she would eventually offer me something, but she was wrapped up in the daycare duties and didn’t. As the afternoon wore on, and I grew more and more hungry, I was silently feeling really resentful.

When my aunt finally arrived to pick me up and was chatting with her friend, it came up that I hadn’t eaten basically all day. I clearly remember her incredulous question: “Why didn’t you ask for something, love?”

Good question.

Whether we need heat to be turned on because we are cold, or some kind words at the end of a long day, we have the right and responsibility to ask. No one has to give it to us, but we get to ask. And I’ll let you know that most of the time, you get what you ask for. People like to grant wishes like that. Try it.

Agreement #3

No one is here to take care of anyone else.

I have thousands of examples for this one, but it boils down to this: we are all meant to go through life and have our very own experiences of what is happening. When we take care of others and make it easier for them, or shelter them, we are doing no favours. It can be challenging to step back and remind yourself that people can handle their own lives, but it’s worth it, and also worth practicing on an ongoing basis.

When I used to leave my pets with a house sitter, I would haul out this four-page tome of instructions to explain the every nuance of running my 700-square foot home. Seriously. I thank every house sitter I ever had for not smacking me on the face as I went through them all. After a while, and after I started coaching and holding my clients as naturally creative, resourceful and whole, I stopped this nonsense and now I let them know the basic routine of the dog, how much he eats, and how to reach me. No kitchens are particularly mysterious, so I think whomever it is can snoop their way to success in my absence.

I invite you to look at where you might be care-taking and let go. Let the people you love make mistakes and have their very own shiny experiences of life—it’s how we learn.

Agreement #4

We are all just doing our best.

This struck me years ago, when I was taking a course with Landmark Education. The instructor pointed out that no matter how bad of a job our parents did in raising us, their only objective was to keep us alive until we left their care. They were always doing the best that they could with what they knew at the time.

It’s so, so true.

Someone else’s “best” might look like what you would consider your worst, but I encourage you to be your most empathetic and remember that they are trying. Even if they’re cutting you off in traffic. Even if they are breaking your heart. Even if they are not speaking to you at all while you’re trying to have an argument with them. If we all remembered this one thing of the people we encounter, think of how different our everyday interactions would be.

Common sense that changes relationships.

These four agreements are the basis for a lot of the work I do with couples. They’ve helped my clients ensure their own needs are met, while learning how to better understand and appreciate each other, even during the messy times—especially then. I use them as cornerstones in my own relationships, reminding myself of them again and again as I strive to live a big, heart-led life.

I would love for you to try some of them out and let me know what you notice. (I know you didn’t have to read 132 pages to get the wisdom, but I promise it’s still valid.)

Wishing you an agreement-filled week and I would love to hear your comments below.

Get Real, Sexy Real

Tara

Have a question for Tara? Have an idea for a Hump Day conversation? How about just some thoughts about this thing called life? Let us know here. We’ll answer back. We promise.