Q to Tara from TinaO as per last week’s set up (yup, we’re doing this for a month and then we’ll see where our lady C (TaraC that is goes with it).
Tara, last year Todd and I took part in your Nookie November campaign and man oh man did that bring up all of my ‘stuff’ around intimacy! It made my husband super happy and me too of course – but it was also incredibly frustrating as there was nowhere to hide from my own issues around closeness, sharing my body with someone and my control freakiness about having to follow instructions. Why did you launch this program? Surely isn’t wasn’t to trigger our defences… or was it?!
Um. YES.
Nookie November was something I’d been thinking about for a long time and I was so excited to bring it to life. It was homework I gave to clients all the time, so I thought it might benefit couples looking to create a little intimacy on their own.
30 Days of Intimacy sounds fun at the start – you wouldn’t believe how many dudes light right UP when they think they’re gonna get lucky every night for a month – but it really is an actual challenge. Some nights you’re tired, some nights you’re apart if one of you is traveling for work, sometimes your partner is a bit of a jerk and you just want to throw in the mouth guard and fall asleep.
It’s also not always even about sex. Intimacy and sex are very different things that are so often collapsed. The length of the challenge is inherently trigger-worthy on purpose. I know that intimacy, real, intimate intimacy, can set us off. It’s NAKED naked, and there is no where to hide. It’s a deeper layer being uncovered and it can be scary and as you’ve seen, super messy to be in. We often skip over it, avoid it, or just jump right into sex (more about this in a couple of weeks when I talk about my own stuff!), but my job is to challenge the defaults and see if shifts happen.
It’s not always even about sex.
And as I’ll talk about next week, Intimacy – capital “I” Intimacy, is really critical to the success of a relationship. It’s definitely a place where things show up if they’re going to, so I’m not surprised that you noticed some triggers.
Nookie November gave us access to this, the same way that a challenge in The Amazing Race can reveal disrespect or poor communication in a relationship. I was giving you tasks that would either get you to be more connected or would give us a glimmer of growth. Growth is good. And growth from falling outside a comfort zone is the best kind because it actually causes you to take up more space.
I was working with a couple last fall and gave them some sexual/intimate homework – one of the tasks from Nookie November. They came back with a whole pile o’ nasty that we got to unpack; body image issues, and some residual resentment over old hurts and they were missing some of the skills to get through discussing it all effectively. The default had always been to sweep it under the rug and go on with life, but this intimacy piece took them to a whole new place together, and because they were an amazing Super Couple, we folded it all in nicely and we turned hurt into compassion, and resentment into forgiving.
If we choose it, there’s learning in everything and it takes big, fat bravery to actually look at it together. My goal is always to have clients know themselves in a new way, so however that happens, whatever I can do to crack things open a little, I am going to invite clients to dive in. I gently push forward and then catch the debris when it’s messy.
It takes big, fat bravery to actually look at it together
One of my very favourite things – and I think it’s actually a perk of the job – is to witness the sweet intimate levels that couples find together. It inspires me, and it’s truly what gets me out of bed each day. It’s almost uncomfortable, it’s so sweet, and I love it. I get to listen as apologies are made, and partners hear what is happening from the other side and it is an honour every single time to witness as men and women grow and have more of them be truly seen.
It’s my job to create moments where there is opportunity to learn and grow, and this is something I bring into my Super Couple Intensives; it’s like Nookie November on CRACK!
And by the way, if any of this sounds interesting, I am currently accepting couples (a max of 6 that I hand-pick) into my next program that will run from March to June and the first step in is to claim your free consultation with me here.
Get Real, like Sexy Real, Tara
Have a question for Tara? Have an idea for a Hump Day conversation? How about just some thoughts about this thing called life? Let us know here. We’ll answer back. We promise.