Sex Archives - TinaOLife

Tara Caffelle asks What are Your Foam Blocks? – BLOG

February 1, 2017

Believe it or not, I used to be a pretty serious weight-lifting sort. You would not know it by looking at me now, but I used to lift very heavy things in tiny, short sets, not caring that involuntary grunts escaped me as I did. I worked with a trainer who accepted absolutely zero bullshit from me, and I sometimes had trouble operating the clutch in my car after my workouts.

I’d arrive at Gold’s gym when they opened at 5am in order to get in my training for the day. At home, I would place my workout gear outside the door of my bathroom,and when the alarm went off, I’d shuffle to the bathroom, climb into my clothes like a little fireman, grab my shake and water from the fridge, and leave. I ate accordingly: egg whites and oatmeal for breakfast, followed by five more very strategic meals throughout the day. I drank 3L of water each day, and went for weeks without consuming alcohol.

The me that did all this would go to the occasional yoga class and scoff at the babies in the class – the people who gathered foam blocks and bolsters to comfort themselves during the class and a blanket with which to keep warm in the final savasana.

My punishing ways continued for years. I somehow tied good exercise to struggle and pain and the rejection of any sort of help. At the same time, I was of the mind that my body was my enemy, something to be fixed so that it looked right and was the proper size (whatever that even is!).

That was then.

This week, I went into my usual candlelight yoga class and as I made my way to a spot by the front window, I took a long, peaceful breath and absorbed the calm atmosphere. I took a sip of my green tea before I unrolled my mat and then went to select two foam blocks, a foam cushion, and a bolster.

As I bent to pick up the foam blocks, the ones that help you to get into some of the yoga poses and give your body a break, I smiled, delighting in what I noticed: I wasn’t hesitating for a moment in gathering these items to make my practice easier. Instead of telling my body “YOU’RE ON YOUR OWN!” I was offering it compassion and comfort and support.

It was a really nice thing to notice in the candlelight.

And, as I always do, I am going to apply this to our relationships (I’ve already done this with nearly every client I’ve spoken to since that yoga class!):

Our habit, in relationship, is often to make it fend for itself. We expect it to roll along with us, supporting our every desire while staying resilient and supportive. We treat it like a body-builder living on egg whites and muscle grunts.

What if we instead felt compassion, and gave our relationships what they needed? What if we grabbed a damn foam block and let it be easier?

The ‘foam block’ gets to be whatever you define it to be. Maybe your relationship would really like some quiet evenings at home, rather than an over-scheduled whir of activity. Maybe it wants more affection, care and kindness. The foam blocks in my relationship are making sure we have lots of snuggling time, planning fun outings outside of the house, and finding things to celebrate as we work hard to realize our dreams. These are the things that nurture us both and allow us to get into some pretty strenuous “poses” with ease. (Stay with me and my yoga analogy.)

The invitation is to see where you are not offering compassion to your partner or your relationship and then, preferably by candlelight and with some green tea, ask what it wants in order to feel supported.

_________________________________________

Get Real, Sexy Real.

Tara

Tara Caffelle is a Relationship and Communication coach. She is passionate about creating connected, almost-uncomfortable-to-watch relationships that are based in Sexy Communication and Big Lives worth rolling around in.

Tara is based in the Lower Mainland of Vancouver and offers custom-designed coaching programs. To claim your free 90+ minutes and see what might be possible for your own super coupledom (or persondom), find a time here.
Have a question for Tara? Have an idea for a Hump Day conversation? How about just some thoughts about this thing called life? Let us know here. We’ll answer back. We promise.

Everyday Adventures – BLOG

October 14, 2016

every-day-adventures

When I had Baxter (the basset hound), it would come to that time of the day when I knew he needed to get outside to collect some new smells and waddle around the neighbourhood. I would wrap up the work I was doing and say, “Let’s go on an adventure!”

You see, I could never use the word “walk” without making our departure a little crazy. All hell would break loose, with Baxter pacing in circles, whining, and “following” me by walking ahead and blocking my every step, lest I try to leave the house without him.

Now that Baxter is gone—he passed away in May—I have no need to go outside for a walk each day. But I have come to enjoy thinking of life as a series of adventures. It was easy in the summer as we found endless craft breweries to try out, hikes to hike, and outdoor movies to lie about in a park to watch. Everything was an adventure. Now that it’s fall, we’re settled into being at home, wearing slippers around the house, and launching Netflix marathons. The only adventure is seeing if we can squeeze in another episode of Downton Abbey before one of us drifts off into a slack-jawed slumber.

Perhaps I exaggerate a touch, but it’s partly true. It’s not okay with me that I spend more time at my desk than anywhere else. So I roped The Mister into a brainstorm session to plot out some Everyday Adventures we can enjoy together.

Here’s what we came up with:

Choosing and preparing dinner when we’re both home. Much discussion and Pinterest-referring ensues, followed by a quick scour of available ingredients in the pantry and wine rack. Dinner for two becomes a playful indoor date.
Hiking and biking and other sweaty things. This idea is a win all-around; we get exercise, we get fresh air, and we get to smugly go through the rest of the day in a glorious caloric deficit.
Going to a whole new neighbourhood to grocery shop or sit in a coffee shop. I do this often when I am writing and looking for some fresh inspiration. A change of venue gives me a new perspective or a gentle nudge outside of my comfort zone. I figure it’s a great idea for relationships, too.
Buying tickets for random events in the city. We have many mini-adventures to look forward to where we get to dress up (we are both working from home a fair bit and turning into rather cozy cubicle-mates, so this is always a good thing!) and make a date night of it. In the next few months, we will go see Danny Bhoy, Louis CK, and Interesting Vancouver and we’re having fun researching the before-and-after of the plans.
Planning adventures in other places. We are in the process of booking an escape to somewhere hot when the Vancouver rain is at its most plentiful, and a weekend escape to Jasper. While the trips will be really fun, so much joy comes from the preparation we are doing now.
Thrift store treasure hunting. One of us will get a nutty idea or decide we need something—I am on the lookout for a big, sloppy pair of overalls I can wear when I paint, for instance—so we will make a little outing to a big thrift store and spend a couple of hours goofing off as we look for treasures. Last time, we came across a GIANT teal sombrero and I wore it around the store as I looked through old prom dresses. So fun.
Connecting with old friends and bringing them into the adventurous loop for games, dinners and catching up. Now that summer and all the frantic squeezing-in of outdoor fun has ended, it’s nice to connect again.

When we set the intention that we are here for “adventure” (however tame that might actually look), it helps us to find fun in whatever is going on. So what are your “adventures” going to be this week? How will you be intentional with your time? Tell me, tell me, and maybe I can steal your ideas!

Get Real, Sexy Real

Tara

Have a question for Tara? Have an idea for a Hump Day conversation? How about just some thoughts about this thing called life? Let us know here. We’ll answer back. We promise.

Five in Five – How to Create a Magical Connection – BLOG

October 6, 2016

five-in-five

It only takes five hours per week to maintain a strong, connected relationship. Yes, I did just give you a formula.

You are welcome.

Here’s the in-brief version for all of you scanners out there, but I invite you to watch the video below, because scanning a quick read isn’t doing, and five hours isn’t five minutes.

Get the connection?

Just sayin’

Five Things you can do in your Magical Five Hours of Connection.

1) Parting – spend 2 minutes each work day saying good-bye thoughtfully
2) Reunion – spend 10 minutes connecting at the end of your work day sharing, witnessing and championing each other
3) Admiration and Appreciation – spend 5 minutes each day acknowledging and noticing all that your partner IS and DOES
4) Affection – spend 5 minutes each day (minimum) touching each other and showing affection
5) Date Night – steal away for a minimum of 2 hours each week to nurture the relationship that started your lives together.

Get Real, Sexy Real.

Tara

Have a question for Tara? Have an idea for a Hump Day conversation? How about just some thoughts about this thing called life? Let us know here. We’ll answer back. We promise.

Five Love Languages to Super-Coupledom

August 10, 2016

It seems to me that in our relationships, it can seem like we’re all speaking different languages and missing our connections. We can feel alone, even when we’re surrounded by people who completely adore us because we are looking to be loved in a way that makes sense to us, but the same is true for every single person and there are many ways in which we love—these ways aren’t necessarily the same for everyone.

And so allow me to introduce Gary Chapman’s The 5 Love Languages

I spent the last week camping along the West Coast Trail with a dear friend of mine, and as we set up our home in the woods each evening and found the necessities of water, shelter and food, I noticed that he spoke the same Love Language as I did; we both performed Acts of Service for one another and it made for a pretty harmonious week. If he had been someone whose language was Words of Affirmation, we may have had some hiccups when I didn’t acknowledge him with praise and compliments. I was always very grateful for all he did to keep me safe and comfortable in the woods, obviously, but because that wasn’t the way he shows love, he wasn’t waiting for that from me.

In any case, this is an easy component to explore on the

way to SuperCouple-dom and provides an almost-guide to helping you and your partner to feel loved and seen by one another. I invite you to take the quiz with your partner and let me know what you notice about the love you feel you are receiving.

Here is the link to my video this week:

Get Real, Sexy Real.

Tara

Have a question for Tara? Have an idea for a Hump Day conversation? How about just some thoughts about this thing called life? Let us know here. We’ll answer back. We promise.

Tara VLOG #4 – What are your Wildest Desires?

June 30, 2016

In this week’s VLOG we’re talking about your biggest, craziest, wildest dreams and how you might make them come true – the secret *might* just be telling your partner what it is…

And here is the video:

WHAT ARE YOUR WILDEST DESIRES…?

Have a question for Tara? Have an idea for a Hump Day conversation? How about just some thoughts about this thing called life? Let us know here. We’ll answer back. We promise.

Boyfriends vs. Husbands

June 10, 2016

This topic came to me a few weeks ago when I saw our delightful TinaO posting on Facebook about her ‘boyfriend’ who is actually her devoted husband:

It got me thinking.

What is our default when it comes to relationship?

There is definitely a different tone to a relationship once it gets more serious; less dressing up for one another, more staying in to crash on the sofa with Netflix, and more sharing of…bodily functions.

I think we seek comfort and familiarity and happily fall into easy patterns once we’ve committed to being with someone. In addition, the intoxicating New Relationship Energy that flooded early interactions, causing a euphoria that replaced eating and sleeping, eventually fades so that we can get on with building a life together.

That is all well and good, but I would assert that we get to choose how we are in our relationships, regardless of how long you’ve been in them and being conscious about your behaviour is the key.

If you’ve been a wife or a husband so long that you don’t remember dating, try this on: behave in a way that feels like you are back in the land of wooing your mate; dress up for your time together, make some plans, hold the door open, make your signature recipe, give a back rub…you get to decide. I invite you to be conscious and notice how you were and also how you are.

As always, don’t be shy, let me know how it goes and what you discover over in Tara’s Play Space on Facebook.

Get Real, Sexy Real

Tara

Have a question for Tara? Have an idea for a Hump Day conversation? How about just some thoughts about this thing called life? Let us know here. We’ll answer back. We promise.

What’s Taboo to You?

April 13, 2016

What’s Taboo to You?

In my family, it seems like some things are too tragic to even talk about. A few months after my dear friend and ex-husband passed away last year, I had lunch with my aunt and uncle. At the end of the meal, during which we caught up on family and the weather and all those usual things, my aunt quietly reached across the table, lightly touched my hand, and with a nod, half-whispered “You’re doing all right, with….everything?”

I assured her that I was, because, let’s the be honest, the door hadn’t exactly been swung open to speak openly about my grief and the hell I found myself in. It felt easier to give her the answer she wanted to hear.

I remember a TV show in which the character’s mother would always whisper the word cancer, as if it was just too awful to say out loud.

But here’s the thing: not giving voice to things that are unpleasant to talk about does not make them go away.

If we choose to keep things to ourselves, we rob our loved ones of intimate moments with us from which we could all grow.

I, for one, would rather speak openly about, well, everything. In my sessions with clients (and even during dinner parties), I brazenly ask the questions about sex lives, the quality of relationships, and the taboo things that aren’t being said. It’s my super power.

Yes, some topics are very uncomfortable, and we don’t want to risk looking bad, looking stupid, being shamed, or being told that what we are saying doesn’t matter. When we choke back our words, not only is it toxic to our bodies to keep it bottled up, but it’s also the very opposite of intimate. It doesn’t help us to share our experiences and grow from them.

My clients often find themselves locked in quiet conflict with their partners because they’re afraid to speak up about the things that are troubling them. Instead of initiating a conversation in a safe, open way, they avoid the most important topics…and let them fester.

When we choke back our words, not only is it toxic to our bodies to keep it bottled up, but it’s also the very opposite of intimate.

My solution to this, and your invitation, should you choose to accept it, is to preface these topics with permission or a request for support.

Here are some examples:

● I’m feeling really upset about this and I’m not sure what’s happening for me. Can we talk about this some more?

● I have something I need to tell you and I’m scared that you’re going to be angry with me.

● Can I share an observation about what happened between us last night?

● This is really awkward and I’m not sure what to say.

● Please help me understand what you’re trying to say.

The next time you have something that you are tempted to keep to yourself because you feel triggered, or because you’re fearful of what might happen, try one of these on. You may be pleasantly surprised by the outcome of the conversation.

I will be speaking openly about all sorts of relationship-related things in my Play Space Salon and I would love to have you join me there on the second and fourth Thursdays of each month. To access the live salon, head on over to my Facebook page and tune in at 7pm PDT. You’ll be able to send me your questions and comments as we go. I look so forward to seeing you there!

Get Real, like Sexy Real.

Tara

Have a question for Tara? Have an idea for a Hump Day conversation? How about just some thoughts about this thing called life? Let us know here. We’ll answer back. We promise.

The 100% Lean In

March 3, 2016

I’m always going on and on about how we are in relationship with everyone in our lives, from our barista at Starbucks to whomever we land with in bed at the end of the day, and I also know that each of those relationships can be happily designed. We do this with the 100% lean-in.

Today, I want to focus on Starbucks. Yep, you read that right: it’s a great example of The 100% Lean in, and I think once you understand this, you can apply it all over the place.

Our job, if you will, as a customer at Starbucks, involves the following steps: enter the building (for the sake of argument, let’s not include the drive-through option), walk up to the counter, order our coffee, pay for our coffee, thank the barista, put whatever accoutrements into the coffee, and leave with said coffee. Doing all of these things without any sort of hiccups can be considered showing up for your job at 100%.

The barista’s job is to cheerfully take our order, accept our payment, deliver our beverage to us, and say thank you. Doing all of these things constitutes showing up 100%.

Are you still with me?

What I know is that 100% can look different on different days. I will outline what not-quite 100% looks like and how we can easily adjust to make it so.

Scenario: You get to the counter and realize you have forgotten your wallet in the car and have no way to pay for your beverage. What would make it 100%?: Ask for what you need. Tell the barista what has happened so that your order can be held until you can get your money and the line-up behind you can proceed with their orders.

Scenario: You are in in the middle of an important phone call on your mobile, and while you sincerely wish it would end in time for you to order your coffee, that is not the case, and instead of ordering, you must continue your conversation. (See how I give you the benefit of the doubt that you’re not just standing in line, staring at your phone, oblivious to all that is happening around you?). What would make it 100%?: Step aside, ask the person you are on the call with to give you a moment so you can order, or pretend you just went through a tunnel and hang up (it’s the nature of phones that people are able to call us back—cool, right?).

Scenario: You approach the counter and the barista is telling her co-worker about the wicked concert she saw last night, complete with an air guitar impression. What would make it 100%?: Trick question! This one is on the barista. You’re welcome to get the barista’s attention in a respectful way, but this is really up to the barista to make up the difference, and that is by ending her inappropriate conversation and take your order.

Scenario: The barista is nowhere to be seen and you peer over the counter and see that he is kneeling on the floor putting some cups away behind the counter. How to make it 100%: Again, this is up to the barista to make up. All that is needed is a quick “I’ll be right with you!”

Scenario: Hot coffee in hand, you go to the sugar-adding station and you get stuck behind a guy who has his stuff spread all over everywhere. You can’t even get to the sugar. What would make it 100%?: The guy can turn to you and say, well, anything. “So sorry, I’ll get out of your way” or (this is one I use all the time) “Argh! I’m quite a tornado, aren’t I? Can I pass you the cream?”

What this means for more intimate relationships:

In relationships that run a little deeper than coffee, we can apply these ideas; when you notice that you’re showing up less than your 100% ideal, explain why, and then ask for what you need. Conversely, if your partner is failing to show up and meet your expectations in a way that feels like 100% for you, ask (in a caring way) what is happening that you can maybe be more understanding about. (They may not have ready this post and be as in tune with what 100% looks like!).

A few quick examples come to mind:

● You have a deadline coming up at work and know you will be preoccupied all week. So you ask your partner for their patience and understanding

● You suffer from horrendous seasonal allergies, and your partner has planned a full day of fun on the day you have off together. You ask for a little time for your allergy meds to kick in.

● You meet an old friend for dinner and although you would love to really catch up, you can’t stop thinking about how your grandmother is really sick and you aren’t able to fly out see her. You explain to your friend why you are not really present.

Showing up at 100% looks different on any given day.

The good news is it’s really easy to notice when you’re falling short and ask for what you need to make up the difference.

It’s also worth taking a look at how, in our relationships, we sometimes lean in more or less than 100%, which can lead to resentment, and mistrust and a whole host of other things, but I will leave that for another week. Until then, go grab a coffee at Starbucks, and think of me!

Get Real, like Sexy Real

Tara

Have a question for Tara? Have an idea for a Hump Day conversation? How about just some thoughts about this thing called life? Let us know here. We’ll answer back. We promise.

The Squishy Bits of Intimacy

February 3, 2016

Q to Tara from TinaO

A naturopath I once saw said to me that the definition of intimacy is not knowing what is on the other side of this very moment, and sharing that with someone else. How do you define intimacy and why is being comfortable with it so important to our well-being?

There are so many ways to look at intimacy—that’s one of the things I really love about it. It can be as deep as the fondness and trust we feel with the people closest to us, and it can be a glimmer of “we’re in this together” among strangers who are all stuck on the same elevator.

In my world, intimacy all comes down to one word: Connection.

What I know for sure is that we are not meant to exist only on the surface. It would be like only ever talking about the weather. Forever. Right? That very thought makes me want to jab a fork into my own eye and twist it around like I’m swirling spaghetti.

Intimacy is a leap—knowing the deepest, darkest places of ourselves, and then trusting our fellow humans to hold those pieces and not hurt us with them. A client said it beautifully: “It was like he asked to see the most awful, dark and scary parts of me so that he could hold them for me and love them, and give them back in a way that didn’t hurt me as badly. No matter what I threw at him from my dark spaces, it never scared him away.”

In my world, intimacy all comes down to one word: Connection.

I cannot stress enough: when we are intimate with other human beings, it makes our life and our existence take up more space. We are here to touch and be touched and to reach new levels of knowing ourselves through others. And yes, it’s difficult sometimes, so let’s get that out on the table. It’s not always easy, but I promise it’s worth it.

I remember a few years ago I ventured up to my hometown and attended my 20th high school reunion. It was interesting in many ways. As I sat with people who no longer knew me in the day-to-day, I felt the most known I had in a long time: these were the people who watched me grow up and knew the very essence of me. There was no hiding, in the best possible way. Later in the weekend, when I had a meltdown about still being single when all the others seemed to be happy and attached and raising families, I landed at my friends’ home, where I was staying.

…knowing the deepest, darkest places of ourselves, and then trusting our fellow humans to hold those pieces and not hurt us with them.

My best friend of more than 20+ years was actually out of town at a funeral, and her husband was holding down the fort and caring for the four kids. And me, apparently. I have known him just as long as his lovely wife, and he greeted me with a hug and said all the right things. He then invited me to lie on the trampoline, in the dark, to look at the stars. He brought out the iPad, and we identified all the constellations, and it struck me: without it being at all about sex, it was perhaps one of the most intimate moments of my life. I cracked open, he held my broken bits, and squeezed them back together as we looked at the sky, side-by-side in the dark.

And this is what I want people to know and for our kids to grow up watching: intimacy and connection. Seeing people around us, and having what they say matter deeply to us.

When kids see and know the adults in their lives more intimately, including the failings and joys, they are given permission to enjoy a similar connection as they grow with everyone around them. We get to change how the world works, starting with our children. If that isn’t exciting, I don’t know what is.

Intimate connection can be uncomfortable, but it doesn’t have to be too hard to even start. The first step is to be curious and interested. I invite you to try it tonight. Instead of asking your partner or the kids “How was your day?” (to which they will probably reply, “good”), pose a different sort of question:

What was your favourite part of today?

How did you know that I love you today?

How can this day end end in the best possible way?

Yes, it will feel weird at the beginning, but try. And if you get an “I dunno” in response, do what I do with clients and tell them to make something up and then see where it goes.

And I would invite you to branch out and try this with other people in your life, too. Get curious and interested about people who interact with you each day; challenge yourself to relate on a slightly more intimate level with one person at a time and pretty soon you too, will be bored by surface talk about the weather, and crave to know more.

Get Real, like sexy real, Tara

Have a question for Tara? Have an idea for a Hump Day conversation? How about just some thoughts about this thing called life? Let us know here. We’ll answer back. We promise.

Are you a SUPER COUPLE? Bring on HUMP DAY with Tara Caffelle

January 20, 2016

As per yesterday’s teaser, this is TinaOLife’s very own Lady Hump leading the charge on all things relationship. We’re opening her regular weekly Where Relationships Get Real post here at TinaOLife with a question from me, TinaO and you can too – feel free to send us a thought, question, wondering, or quandary below if you have a burning ‘sex, love, intimacy and relationship’ Q as well. Okay… so on to my first question to rock out Tara’s first post…

TinaO – Tara, you know my history with Mr. Todd and that our relationship has been the greatest teacher for both of us (which means it ain’t been easy as you know). You talk about ”super couples”, what does that mean exactly? And do you think it’s possible for everyone?

Tara: The Very Official definition of a Super Couple (based on what I found in the Very Official Urban Dictionary, anyway!) is a couple who “overcomes adversity and repeatedly reunites” – think Soap Opera couples like Luke and Laura or Bo and Hope. (Ah…Remember Bo and Hope? I think I was addicted to them…)

But I digress.

I like this definition well enough, but I would add to it: Super Couples are resilient. They keep seeking and choosing, even when it’s hard and it just plain sucks and it’s the testing-the-vows part of things. The beginning is fun; anyone can do the beginning, when it’s new and the stress hormones are flowing and la-la-la-we-have-the-same-taste-in-music!

Super Couples are in. They are intuitively committed to The Relationship, and not just their own well-being. There is a focus on the other and because each of them is doing this, the relationship benefits.

Super Couples are in.

They’re relentlessly brave. They might be afraid, but they also know the best life is on the other side of the prickly stuff.

They engage in what I call Sexy Conversation. I call it this because it can (and should) resemble sex in many ways; raw, open, noisy, quiet, messy, slippery, connected, naked, open with both parties grinding to have their needs met against the other before everyone lands in a satisfied heap. Right?

They know the prickles and the mess are worth it.

Super Couples take responsibility for their words and actions. They know that the whole idea of a relationship is to set them free, so each lays down the weapons and embraces the glorious person before them as an ally.

I think Super Couple-dom is possible if you want it, but not everyone knows that’s it’s even available. I was with some family over the holidays, and when this cartoon made a huge splash, it occurred to me that not everyone sees or knows the value of all the self-actualization I am so used to.

I obviously think about this stuff all the time and it’s a part of nearly every conversation I have. However, I am fully aware that not every couple, in fact, many couples, just go through life, attending to the responsibilities of getting the kids to hockey practices and birthday parties, not even thinking about their actual connection and how it works or it doesn’t.

I think Super Couple-dom is possible if you want it, but not everyone knows that’s it’s even available.

Who wants to sit around and dissect their relationship? ICK. Most people just know when they’re not happy and that something is off, and aren’t necessarily equipped with the tools to actually do something about it. I like to give people some of these tools. I think most couples are already quite super and have a beautiful roll-with-it quality; I love observing all the things they’re doing well AND I also think that nearly every conscious couple could benefit from a tweak here and there. They take – and I think you and Mr Todd were there – managing life well enough, but there’s a more that’s there to be found if you know to look for it.

It’s like having a satisfying dinner at the White Spot and realizing there’s a section of the menu that Gordon Ramsay will prepare just for you, but you have to know to ask for it. I’m the secret weapon here; I can show you what’s available on the menu and the best way to eat it so it’s crazy delicious.

It will feel like you just had a…Sexy Conversation.

Get real like sexy real, Tara

You can check more of me out here. It’s okay, I’m good with you looking.

Have a question for Tara? Have an idea for a Hump Day conversation? How about just some thoughts about this thing called life? Let us know here. We’ll answer back. We promise.