TinaO Archives - Page 6 of 10

Dear Tina #1… What is the Story of this cancer?

March 18, 2016

It will be a year next month from when I picked up my cel phone while in Vegas during a conference to receive the news that the wacky black thing that had been growing in the back of my throat was indeed, not a tonsil crypt but instead was most definitely cancer.

Doc says: “We’re as shocked as you. While we knew there was a chance that it could be, none of us thought that this is what the biopsy would come back as. I wanted to reach you as soon as I could. I’m boarding a plane in ten minutes…”

Some doctors are called to be doctors. Clearly the level of mindfulness and care by my ears nose and throat specialist is from the ‘calling’ ilk. I wasn’t just a test result on a piece of paper. Note how I called him MY doctor. That happens when you’re handing your body over to an expert other than you.

He was going on vacation (or so I think), and wanted to catch me before he was unavailable in the air. He had left me a message the day before, but I don’t pick up voice mail that often (that’s what voice mail is for folks), so he left me a text to call him on his personal cel phone. To him, I was a mom, a wife, a writer, an artist. I have a history and a future and the sooner he could reach me the better.

To me, he is a man who cares, with a specialty in the ear nose and throat department. Thank you Dr. Smith. (No kidding, his name is Dr. Smith).

After the diagnosis came in… well, that’s a whole other post, book actually. It’s on the move through me but hasn’t arrived in full yet. For now, I want to share with you a little something that changed my life. That sounds ominous, and while cancer is totally that, what I stumbled into is not. See, a whole year before the C word arrived, I had started working with Chris Dierkes, whom I now call my ‘soul guy’ or the ‘soul dude’ of TinaOLife. He’s a soul interpreter (What the hell is that right? – no pun intended). Well, it’s difficult to explain the intangible (soul) with the tangible (words), but here it is in brief:

“Okay Tina, so think of it this way. I’m going go to the ‘soul library’ and check out your ‘book’. Then I’m going to read it and share it with you so you can fully realize it”.

Ohhhhhhh… that’s all. So, you’re taking my book out of the library? Cool. Got it. And then I’m going to get to know myself? Ohhh okay. Well, that’s how it made sense to me anyway.

See, soul work doesn’t make sense, it feels sense. For me that’s been my experience anyway.

So, what is the Dear Tina thing and how does it connect with cancer and with Chris and with soul work???

As you can imagine, post diagnosis, I was thrown into mental chaos. It was as if I was a pile of sticks: legs upon ribs, jaw upon pelvis, toes upon teeth, thoughts upon terror, blank upon nothingness, despair upon acceptance. I was sifting through the gnarly bits because within them was me, a timeless me. One who was here before my body arrived and one who would continue on once my body left. FYI… it’s not that I didn’t ‘get’ all of this before, it’s just that once I was thrust into the world of time passing without hearing a clock ticking because there is no fucking clock – well, it all just kinda fell into place because I was now out of the way. Trauma has a way of doing that. It cuts through the noise of what we call knowledge or understanding. Hmmmmm… like really? Who cares how much you think you know at times like this. It’s cliché but true, you can’t take it with you.

I couldn’t hear myself think anymore, or maybe that’s not really true. I could hear everything I thought, the issue was that everyone in my head was talking all at once. I couldn’t hear what I think… Just all what all of my experiences think. You get that right? All the voices in our head are just reactions to the various experiences we’ve had in our lifetime. I fell down the stairs once, now I have a voice that says: hold on to the railing. I’ve been heartbroken before, now I have a voice that says: go slow, trust slow if ever. I’ve been applauded before, now I have a voice that says: you rock, you got this, step out lady! See? Those are voices from my stories past, but they’re not me as in not, fully, wholly, without reaction me. Those are just my fragments talking (not soul fragments either – oh it’s so intricate isn’t it?).

So… there I was digging through bones from fragments past and I couldn’t hear the peaceful voice. You have one too. The voice that was with you when you were little and swinging your feet up to the sky all by yourself. The voice that woke you in the morning while you were still sleeping feeling the warm summer sun on your face. The voice that you hear when you were nestled deep, resting your cheek on your mama’s stretchy post baby belly. The voice you can sometimes hear as an adult if you spend enough time with yourself. That voice. That’s the one I was craving to hear.

So I started to write.

It came out without thinking.

I picked up a journal made for me by Ciel Ellis’ Thirsty Journals – (here’s the active link for the journals cause I know you’re gonna ask) and started writing.

Dear Tina…

and then just like that, with a few deep breaths and a lot of following instead of leading, I began to listen to the answers to many of my questions.

Some people call it automatic writing with the idea that the pen moves without you moving it, like a spirit coming through you – mehhhhhh… maybe. Who am I to say that it is or it isn’t? I’m not interested in holding a position on it, I just know that when I surrender to the process of letting the story tell me instead of the other way around, I can hear that loving, peaceful voice again and I’m 45 years old in the centre of crazy town and not five and blissed out on my mama’s lap.

I think of this process as more of a way to cut through the noise and really listen to what my innate wisdom (or soul) wants to say.

After the cancer diagnosis came in, I needed to write because I needed to hear. This is what this post is all about. It’s not about automatic writing and how to do it, it’s about what I heard and what I learned.

Here it is for you. I am starting a series of Dear Tina posts on TinaOLife as a way to invite you in to the world and words that speak to and through me.

Dear Tina, Dear Tina, Dear Dear Dear Tina, What is going on in my body?

(I often keep repeating myself until I feel the ‘click’ of letting go of my own thoughts – call it ego if you like).

Dear Tina, what is the story of this cancer in my body?

Why do you call it cancer Tina? It’s a name only. Breathe Tina, you may not be ready to hear this.

I am listening.

You are dying Tina. Your body is not dying. Your body is not dying. Your body is fine. Your body is holding a piece that is dying. You are dying. You as you as you have been is dying – this time this view of you is dying, this thought, this way is dying. You are dying Tina – your body is fine.

There have been years of you. There is years in the thing you call cancer. You can let it die. You can radiate it, chemo it, destroy it. You are dying, not your body. Let it die.

Let it leave your body. Let the doctors do what they must. You can let it die.

Do not fight the death of this, do not resist the death of this, this wants to die, and has been dead for a long time, the spirit of you died and has wanted to leave for a long time but you have kept holding on, kept transforming it into something else. It is time to let it die.

A new you is transcending – a new you is waiting to move in, a new you like teeth is ready to come down into place. This is death Tina and not the kind you know death to be.

Tina it is okay. Let it die. Your body is fine.

Soooooo… as you can imagine, I was a little startled. That’s the thing about surrendering to the unknown – you don’t know what’s gonna come out of you until it arrives.

My take on this, and let me tell you, the truth of this message knocked me down like the anvil of grief that it was, I got it. I had been living my ‘old, dramatic, deep, sad life’ for far too long. I had been building accomplishment after goal after success on top of a graveyard of grief, and it was costing me dearly. I was clutching and white knuckling the old dead scars of my story as my identity for so long that the powers that be decided to turn up the dial on my experience so I could wake the fuck up and decide to live.

Get it?

That’s enough for today’s Dear Tina… I just wanted to let you in. There will be more, I assure you. I jumped in today with Dear Tina for TinaOLife because I’ve been impossible to live with for the last week or so. I’m full of resentment and walking in a fog… I have had no idea why. I decided to ask myself for some more answers, but I’ll share what I discovered later. For now… consider yourself invited in.

Welcome.

p.s…. I’m feeling so much better. Clearly, all I needed was to be listened to. Thank you Dear Tina.

xxT.

Young With You

March 17, 2016

I would intro this piece by Rodney DeCroo… but why? Read. Feel. Listen. Fall in.

Yes, there’s a link to the recording below. Just buy it–but enjoy the lyrics first.

Young With You

We could talk about the old times,
We could dig up all those graves,
We could set the dead to talking,
But we don’t know what they might say.

So please don’t say you’re sorry,
I don’t need that from you,
To be young is to be reckless,
I’m glad I was young with you.

We could walk along the seashore,
We could stare out at the waves,
We could pretend we live forever,
But we don’t think that way.

So please don’t say you’re sorry,
I don’t need that from you,
To be young is to be reckless,
I’m glad I was young with you.

Some poets have said,
All our loves we will destroy,
Some poets have said,
In our sorrow lies our joy,

But I don’t feel any wiser,
Than I ever felt before,
And I still have no idea,
What we’re here for.

So please don’t say you’re sorry,
I don’t need that from you,
To be young is to be reckless,
I’m glad I was young with you.

Want to hear him sing it? Yeah you do. So here it is.

Hey… Rodney has a gig on March 26th.

Check it out below.

MARCH 26 / Showcase @ Backspace

Date: Saturday, March 26th

Time: Doors 7pm / Show 8pm

Where: Backspace (1318 Grant Street Vancouver / Lane Entrance)

Cost: $15 advance / $20 door

Tickets: Online via eventbrite, by phone 604-831-6263,

Highlife Records, Red Cat Records, Zulu Records

Drink: Cash Bar

Link: https://www.facebook.com/events/1701244626755840/

About: Don’t miss this show show between country-noir / folk-country artists and old friends Rodney DeCroo + The Wise Blood and Carolyn Mark!

Rodney DeCroo is a songwriter, poet and playwright. He has released 6 full-length albums, an album of poetry set to music (Allegheny), a book of poetry (Allegheny, BC) and a theatre production (Stupid Boy in an Ugly Town) that received critical acclaim at several Canadian fringe and writers festivals. DeCroo wrestles with regret, loss, aging, love, memory, death, art—always with his own ongoing recovery embedded in the background. DeCroo’s album and performances draw upon his greatest natural resource—his poetry.

Want to buy his music? Find him here on itunes. Want to catch him in concert? Check out his calendar here.

Intimates in Colombia

March 9, 2016

I spent the last week and a half of February in Colombia: I attended a dear friend’s wedding, and then I relaxed at a tiny resort where the biggest decision of my day was choosing a hammock in which to have my afternoon nap. It was glorious. And quiet. In more ways than one.

See, Colombia isn’t a country that speaks a lot of English. And I am not a traveler who speaks a lot of Spanish. You do the math.

What I learned: People in Colombia wanted me to eat, to be safe, to have a good time.

I survived with big smiles, excited clapping, pointing at menus, Google translator (when I had wifi), listening carefully for familiar words, and speaking loudly and slowly. (Oh yes, I did.)

My last morning in Colombia had me feeling stressed; I had complicated transfers beginning at 4 am from a somewhat-remote resort via taxi to the nearby town where I would connect with two different buses before reaching the airport that would take me to a major city for a connecting flight back to Canada.

WHEW!

Add to the stress the fact that I didn’t have quite enough cash to pay my various drivers along the way and would need to find a machine somewhere early on. An English-speaking staff member at the resort had lovingly arranged my entire trip for me, but I knew it was unlikely she would be around at 4 am to translate any further.

I thought ahead: I packed and was ready the night before, set a couple of alarms, and translated phrases I thought I might need into my phone and took screen shots that I could show them along the way.

Here’s what happened: I accidentally ordered a bottle and not a glass of wine at dinner the night before I left, and not wanting to waste it, I drank a lot of it and basically passed out. I woke up in plenty of time for my alarm, in my clothes, with the lights still on. I checked out of the resort with ease, met my driver, showed him my translation that said “Can we go to a cash machine so I can pay you?” and off we went.

I felt completely safe and taken care of. When the first banco machin-o didn’t work for my card, we looked for another, and each time, he stood outside the door and waited for me. We were a team.

Soon, I wasn’t worried about making my connections and even grabbed the tiniest of cat naps once I was safely on the bus.

It’s like I always say: we are in relationship with everyone we interact with.

For those brief moments, with my gruff, Spanish-speaking driver, we shared an intimacy that I am still talking about a week later.

I think that universally there is desire to connect, the same way our bodies want to maintain health. If we shoot Botox into our face, our muscles actually work around it and want to get back to what’s normal. This is why, if you use poison to still your beautiful facial expression lines, you need to repeat the treatment over and over again.

Similarly, we humans crave connection. When we don’t have it, due to language barriers or other zany circumstances, we find our way back to it.

Relationship wants to happen.

Stop fighting it. So many times, we get in conflict with each other and don’t realize that things just want to run smoothly. Rather than get in the way of it all the time, I invite you to consider what you can do and say that will create more intimacy with the people in your life. How can you join with the people around you to become team mates?

Try it and let me know what you discover. You don’t even have to go all the way to Colombia (although you could—they are lovely people and they will be very amused by your excited clapping when you finally decide what you’d like to order for dinner!).

Tara

Get Real, like Sexy Real

Tara Caffelle is a Relationship and Communication coach. She is passionate about creating connected, almost-uncomfortable-to-watch relationships that are based in Sexy Communication and Big Lives worth rolling around in.

Tara is based in the Lower Mainland of Vancouver and offers custom-designed coaching programs. To claim your free 90+ minutes and see what might be possible for your own super coupledom (or persondom), find a time here.

Have a question for Tara? Have an idea for a Hump Day conversation? How about just some thoughts about this thing called life? Let us know here. We’ll answer back. We promise.

The Skin We’re In – International Women’s Day

March 8, 2016

Never did I ever think that blogging would lead me to this. Never did I imagine that I would ever share an image of my very own post baby ‘belly purse’, forever dimpled and dripping lightly, just over my waist band.

It’s not to be confused with a muffin top – though that would be much cuter don’t you think?

It’s not to be mistaken for flabby abs either – though that would be an inviting challenge if they were.

And it’s certainly not to be represented as a flagrant invitation to judge, advise or congratulate me on my extra bits either.

I didn’t write this post to take a stand, no, I wrote it in solidarity from one women (me) to another woman, the truly courageous Gillian Goerzen for the stand that SHE took and her call to action for all of us women who judge our own bodies.

This is what I woke up to this morning as I was coming through my 5:30am fog, making my hubby’s lunch, putting the kettle on for coffee (we like a french press – no drip for us), tossing the first load of laundry in while listening for the pop of his breakfast bagel in the toaster. How could I not respond after seeing this in my Facebook feed?

OMG I thought… That’s what I look like when I plank. I thought it was only me. Only I have the belly purse. Only I didn’t lose the extra flabby bits after my three babies. Only I carry this dimply baggage around with me every day, never to be left at the door.

But no. I’m NOT the only one. It’s just that no one talks about it and heavens to Betsy – definitely, nobody, as in nobody shows it. Thank you Gillian… Here is her post that encouraged me to do the same.

Gillian Goerzen – Yesterday, I had an opportunity to share my story with a crowd of over 100 women for International Women’s Day. One of the images I shared was this one. You might wonder – why would you share this?

I first shared this image in one of my private fitness and nutritional accountability groups. After losing 70 lbs and having two beautiful boys, this is what my stomach looks like in a plank. And it is the area of my body I’m still quite uncomfortable with. But I shouldn’t be! My stomach is a beautiful thing – it’s a badge of honour. It grew and made room for two beautiful boys.

I shared it with my group to start a conversation. Because this “flaw” I see – represents a tendency of our society – especially women – to focus on what we DON’T like. It represents everything about the image of the fitness and diet industry that I believe holds us back from truly having a healthy relationship with food and fitness.

Yesterday Michelle asked if I would share it publicly on Facebook. I said maybe. It’s scary being vulnerable. It’s raw and unedited. It’s real. But I share this because I want to start a dialogue. I want to help women put their foot down. To say NO to the social programming of diet mentality that tells us we’re not good enough. To stop negative self-talk. To speak to themselves the way they would speak to their best friend – or their child. I want women to create a healthy relationship with food and fitness. To say NO to extreme diets and fads. To be a realistic and healthy example for their children – for their community. To create a ripple effect.

I post this today because I want to start a ripple. One woman at a time. One conversation at a time.

Sharing my journey was a deeply personal act – it was a vulnerability victory for me. Vulnerability is my STRENGTH. Because vulnerability connects us all. It helps us all relate and feel empathy and compassion for one another and ourselves. And when we have that – we are truly unstoppable.

How could I not respond? Here is what I posted, and her answer back to me:

So to all of you women out there on International Women’s Day – be brave, be vulnerable, be real, and love the SKIN you are in.

TinaO is a Writer, Story Coach, and Host of the TinaOShow, collecting and telling Stories from the Core. She’s the co-owner of The LEAP Learning Lab with Gina Best, and the other half of The Writer’s Compass with Meribeth Deen. She says: Stories are like toddlers, they will follow you around, tugging, hanging off of you until you listen to them. TinaO is the founder of Live Your Best Story, a weekend retreat of deep listening using writing, storytelling, nature, nourishment, art and connection as a way to listen to the personal story within. The retreat is held in various locations around the world, and is always offered 3x/year in British Columbia where she lives. All are welcome.

As always… let me know your thoughts. They’re always welcome.

There’s a Crack in Everything

March 3, 2016

A lot of my work- and the work of music writers/ journalists / bloggers who’ve been kind enough to write about it- focuses on the hardships I faced as a child, teen and early adult. Why that is isn’t a mystery. Intense situations and struggles are the stuff of drama. They push us past normal and safe where we feel in control into the painful and chaotic realm of trauma, but that’s also where beauty, transformation, love, mystery, compassion and profound connections can swoop in to reveal who we really are and what we’re really capable of. As Leonard Cohen sings:

“There is a crack, a crack in everything
That’s how the light gets in.”

A mentor of mine who passed away ago a few years ago used to say to me “When I need to touch God Rodney I touch you.” He wasn’t referring to me specifically, he meant that reaching out to others, sometimes for help, sometimes to help was where he truly found himself over and over again.

While I had to deal with a lot of pain as a child and an adult, I’ve also been extremely fortunate. I’ve had many generous and gifted people come into my life to guide me. It’s crazy how lucky I’ve been. It’s like in Greek myths how the hero (or in my case the anti-hero) keeps getting helped by mysterious strangers (the gods in disguise) when he or she needs it most. A folksinger I know, Rick Keating, has a lyric in a song that says “I keep on getting saved.” Yep.

GONE
by Rodney DeCroo

My first apartment was a basement suite
near 41st and Oak. The owner Craig,
a drug dealer turned contractor
after a five year stint in Okalla,
rented cheaply to young men
in trouble. I found the place
through an ad on the wall
in the Social Assistance office.
The interview was in his kitchen.

“Come on!” he says “Have something to eat!”
when Diane asked if I was hungry.
I hadn’t eaten for two days
after spending my money getting drunk
at the Cobalt, but I told him
“No, I don’t want anything”.
“Listen,” he said “you’re not leaving this kitchen
until you’ve had one of Diane’s sandwiches.
So what’s it gonna be?”
“Okay, sure.”
“There you go! he shouted smacking the table.
“Are you looking for work?”
“Yes”.
I’m looking for laborers. You want to work for me?”
“Okay.”

As I ate the thick bread and rich meat
and drank the dark coffee offered to me,
I felt the hunger in my stomach,
my unwashed clothes and my shaking hands
as if for the first time. After he left me
in the furnished suite, I stood with my back
against the door looking at the room.
I wondered who’d been here before me
and why they were gone.

FYI… Rodney has two gigs coming up in Vancouver.

Check it out below.

MARCH 6 / House Concert @ Cliff’s House

Catch this intimate solo set from Rodney DeCroo, with support from The Minimalist Jug Band.

Time: Doors 1pm / Show 2-4pm
Where: # 2-868 Cassiar Street East Van ( near PNE )
Cost: Suggested donation of $15. Ticket reservations are recommended by the host as seating is limited.
Contact: kali@tonicrecords.com for reservation details.
Drink: BYOB ( please drink responsibly )
Food: Tasty finger foods provided

Link: http://www.tonicrecords.com/mar-6-house-show-from-rodney–decroo/

MARCH 10 / “A Circle in the Fire” @ The Heatley

Rodney DeCroo will be hosting and performing in the first event of a new monthly series, “A Circle in the Fire”, a songwriters-in-the-round evening. This evening will feature an eclectic mix of local folk songwriters + performers: Doug Andrews, Elise Hall-Meyer, and Caroline Allatt.

Date: Thursday, March 10th

Time: 8:00pm

Where: 696 E Hastings St.

Cost: No cover!

Link: https://www.facebook.com/events/199995010359722/

Want to buy his music? Find him here on itunes. Want to catch him in concert? Check out his calendar here.

The 100% Lean In

March 3, 2016

I’m always going on and on about how we are in relationship with everyone in our lives, from our barista at Starbucks to whomever we land with in bed at the end of the day, and I also know that each of those relationships can be happily designed. We do this with the 100% lean-in.

Today, I want to focus on Starbucks. Yep, you read that right: it’s a great example of The 100% Lean in, and I think once you understand this, you can apply it all over the place.

Our job, if you will, as a customer at Starbucks, involves the following steps: enter the building (for the sake of argument, let’s not include the drive-through option), walk up to the counter, order our coffee, pay for our coffee, thank the barista, put whatever accoutrements into the coffee, and leave with said coffee. Doing all of these things without any sort of hiccups can be considered showing up for your job at 100%.

The barista’s job is to cheerfully take our order, accept our payment, deliver our beverage to us, and say thank you. Doing all of these things constitutes showing up 100%.

Are you still with me?

What I know is that 100% can look different on different days. I will outline what not-quite 100% looks like and how we can easily adjust to make it so.

Scenario: You get to the counter and realize you have forgotten your wallet in the car and have no way to pay for your beverage. What would make it 100%?: Ask for what you need. Tell the barista what has happened so that your order can be held until you can get your money and the line-up behind you can proceed with their orders.

Scenario: You are in in the middle of an important phone call on your mobile, and while you sincerely wish it would end in time for you to order your coffee, that is not the case, and instead of ordering, you must continue your conversation. (See how I give you the benefit of the doubt that you’re not just standing in line, staring at your phone, oblivious to all that is happening around you?). What would make it 100%?: Step aside, ask the person you are on the call with to give you a moment so you can order, or pretend you just went through a tunnel and hang up (it’s the nature of phones that people are able to call us back—cool, right?).

Scenario: You approach the counter and the barista is telling her co-worker about the wicked concert she saw last night, complete with an air guitar impression. What would make it 100%?: Trick question! This one is on the barista. You’re welcome to get the barista’s attention in a respectful way, but this is really up to the barista to make up the difference, and that is by ending her inappropriate conversation and take your order.

Scenario: The barista is nowhere to be seen and you peer over the counter and see that he is kneeling on the floor putting some cups away behind the counter. How to make it 100%: Again, this is up to the barista to make up. All that is needed is a quick “I’ll be right with you!”

Scenario: Hot coffee in hand, you go to the sugar-adding station and you get stuck behind a guy who has his stuff spread all over everywhere. You can’t even get to the sugar. What would make it 100%?: The guy can turn to you and say, well, anything. “So sorry, I’ll get out of your way” or (this is one I use all the time) “Argh! I’m quite a tornado, aren’t I? Can I pass you the cream?”

What this means for more intimate relationships:

In relationships that run a little deeper than coffee, we can apply these ideas; when you notice that you’re showing up less than your 100% ideal, explain why, and then ask for what you need. Conversely, if your partner is failing to show up and meet your expectations in a way that feels like 100% for you, ask (in a caring way) what is happening that you can maybe be more understanding about. (They may not have ready this post and be as in tune with what 100% looks like!).

A few quick examples come to mind:

● You have a deadline coming up at work and know you will be preoccupied all week. So you ask your partner for their patience and understanding

● You suffer from horrendous seasonal allergies, and your partner has planned a full day of fun on the day you have off together. You ask for a little time for your allergy meds to kick in.

● You meet an old friend for dinner and although you would love to really catch up, you can’t stop thinking about how your grandmother is really sick and you aren’t able to fly out see her. You explain to your friend why you are not really present.

Showing up at 100% looks different on any given day.

The good news is it’s really easy to notice when you’re falling short and ask for what you need to make up the difference.

It’s also worth taking a look at how, in our relationships, we sometimes lean in more or less than 100%, which can lead to resentment, and mistrust and a whole host of other things, but I will leave that for another week. Until then, go grab a coffee at Starbucks, and think of me!

Get Real, like Sexy Real

Tara

Have a question for Tara? Have an idea for a Hump Day conversation? How about just some thoughts about this thing called life? Let us know here. We’ll answer back. We promise.

If it ain’t delicious, why eat it

March 2, 2016

We get offers every day. We listen to sales pitches ad nauseum. We see opportunities every hour. We make decisions every ten seconds (or less!). How do you know what to choose?

We get up, we create a ‘to do’ list. We go to bed, we get on ourselves about our ‘to be’ list. We wander through each second, minute, hour, day, week, year, stage, our freakin’ lifetime like we’re in a field of apples and we haven’t got a clue what to eat, and we’re terrified that we can only carry that which we’re able to hold.

How do you know which ones to pick up? Which ones to keep?

Which ones to sink your teeth into?

Follow what is delicious. That’s what I say. Well, it’s what I say now, but not a few years ago. I heard it from my dear friend of mine, Kiran, Mystic Girl in the City , and the author of Tools for Sanity.

That’s what SHE says.

Do what feels delicious.

One day when I was in the throws of family-mama-pandemonium, I was telling her all of my multiple REASONS WHY everything SUCKED, was FALLING APART and COULD NEVER WORK and WOULD NEVER WORK… and then she lovingly took my entire sucky day apart minute by minute and wove the pieces back together from the perspective of what could’ve happened had I followed my ‘delicious yes’ instead.

I thought she was crazy, or rather, ‘just crazy enough’ as I liked to put it – now it’s sanity man. Following your delicious yes is LIVING SANITY.

She was right. The idea of following your delicious yes is as simple as choosing the fork in the road that you sense is the MOST DELICIOUS.

If it doesn’t look delicious, smell delicious, feel delicious, sound delicious, resonate in your hand as delicious… guess what? It probably ain’t delicious, at least for you, or at least right now.

So don’t eat it.

Put that apple down and walk away. There’s a beautiful ripe, red, shiny one over there – just waiting for you to pick it up because it’s delicious. Devour it.

Thanks Kiran. You changed everything that day.

xxT

TinaO is a writer, speaker and the founder of TinaOLife – a hub for all things worth living for, the workshop Live Your Best Story, and her coaching practice: Tall Poppy Living. She’s also a professional network marketer with a decade in the industry. She teaches: selling isn’t slimey and marketing isn’t make-believe. You can be yourself and be successful in Direct Sales.

Trump – We are Part of the Problem

February 27, 2016

Yes, like you, I have multiple opinions about whether Donald Trump is worth even a second of our consideration… but that is not what this post is about. I appreciate the video below for a number of reasons but in brief, here is why:

I have a real bee in bonnet about selling and the insanity in both the sales/marketing/branding profession and how we interact with it. Part of my focus on TinaOLife is to bring up this conversation again and again, calling out those of us in the sales and marketing industry to get better at what we do. In short, I’m asking if you are willing to fix something that is incredibly broken. We are indeed a blister in the sun. And something tells me we’re about to burst.

A lot of factors are contributing to the rise in popularity of Donald Trump as a contender for the Republican nomination, but I’m only going to address ONE of them – because it’s the one that makes me itchy. Yes I do squirm just a little bit, biting my cheek on the inside and jamming my toes into my shoes trying to keep from screaming. Bwahhhhh Grrrrrrahhhhhhhh!!!! It’s like I want to throw up violently but I can’t.

So I’m going stretch us a little k? I’m connecting the dots between sales, marketing, branding, message and our relentless chasing of the illusion of STATUS (and that’s all it is folks, an illusion).

We as sellers position ourselves and our message to you this way:

I know more than you.

I have more for you.

I sell more than anyone.

You want more.

I’ll give you more than anyone else can.

And then there’s the weird status thing we do around the pricing of our product, and the stories we make up to justify why people do or don’t buy our stuff:

When you say you can’t afford it – it’s not true.

When you say, I’m not sure yet – you’re just hiding.

When you say, I need time to think, – you’re making excuses.

Status. We have such a magnetic pull to it. We want it. You could say I’m doing it now by calling bullshit on sales tactics, and maybe I do. It’s still worth examining don’t you think?

Status. So then we decided that we live in an abundant universe, and that anything we want we can have simply by naming it, writing it down, and ultimately, manifesting it. Therefore, all of the customers who aren’t reaching our pricing structure are the ones who are living in a false reality. It’s their fault, they simply aren’t thinking abundantly enough.

I’m not saying that this perspective is all hooey, and that The Secret, Lisa Nichols, Jack Canfield and all the others are wrong – I’m adding to the equation another question which is: What kind of a charge (like an electric zap in the belly) do you get when you hold that perspective as true? Here’s what I mean:

Wouldn’t it be interesting to get to the place as a seller or a buyer where there is no ‘charge’ at all around a price. It’s neither expensive or inexpensive, it’s just a number. It either fits a budget or it doesn’t. It either matches the buyer/seller’s values or not. What if price wasn’t about STATUS at all? I wonder how much we would be willing to charge and/or pay.

Why am I here when I’m talking about Trump, marketing and selling?

Because money is LOADED with electric charges and then fueled by our stories.

Because how we price our products often informs how we sell, market, and brand them. Here’s a kicker, most products are sold at the price of ‘what the market will bare’.

Yet we are the market.

And we set it by what we’re willing to believe in.

Connect that back to Trump. What are we willing to believe in and why?

So let’s talk about honesty and marketing shall we? We’ve become so ‘skilled’ at positioning, so ‘smart’ at messaging, so ‘strategic’ with our choice of words, colours, audience, timing, logos, hooks, offers, calls to action, reach etc… that when somebody shows up like Trump, and just speaks ‘his truth’ – it staggers us for a second, and we’re drawn to it. It catches us off guard. And then when ‘his truth’ gets louder, with less restraint, and with more Alpha-Dog in him, it comes off kind of refreshing somehow because he’s cutting through the noise – never mind how costly his perspective may be (again, think back to pricing – same story).

We are all so EXHAUSTED from being sold to by slick campaigns with sensational promises that this guy, because he’s ‘not a politician’, because he’s ‘not packaged’, because he IS ‘impulsive’, because he DOES ‘show his true colours’, becomes appealing. This guy has STATUS because he’s being ‘himself’ and lots of people are gobbling it up.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LOGHFkXP3Rs

Again, you may ask, what does this have to do with sales and marketing… well, it’s the underpinning of our mistrust because we simply can’t get away from it.

Here’s my suggestion: when people in sales, marketing and branding stop strategizing and start simply TELLING THE STORY of the PRODUCT or the STORY of their SERVICE – by SERVING THE STORY instead of the SALE, then we just may begin to trust voices of ‘reason’ again, and dudes like this won’t be given the time of day.

Imagine if we didn’t ‘sell’ being honest, we just were.

Imagine if we didn’t need to be ‘clever’ to attract an audience but instead, our straight goods became so crystal clear that the ‘right’ people could find us.

Imagine if sales people weren’t trained to overcome objections, if marketers weren’t taught how to ‘get inside the mind of consumer’, if branders didn’t ‘position’ the sale.

Imagine if the products we sold were good enough and our belief in them so deep and strong that we didn’t need to figure out the ‘formula’ to successfully sell them?

When we can all give up the insanity of trying to out play one another, perhaps bombastic, self-serving, opportunists like this guy, Mr. Trump, wouldn’t be so appealing. It’s not funny. It’s not entertaining. It’s not even scary (well, maybe it is), its really quite sad. Our culture has lost touch with it’s humanity, with our heart beat of being seen and known.

It’s time to be courageous, reclaim our power by being honest.

What do you say people in the sales, marketing and the branding industry… you with me? I’m not suggesting that we’re ultimately responsible for people like Trump getting to where he is, but I am suggesting that we’re part of the problem. The truth never needed to be clever. Good products never needed to be louder than everyone else, and consumers shouldn’t have to read between the lines in order to figure out if they can trust you and your brand or not.

Trump, with his blatant, boundary pushing and now rise to popularity is a lesson for all of us. He can cut through the noise because he’s just being him. Like him or not, he’s Trump and he’s pretty darn comfortable being that. If only we were too.

xxT

Four Agreements for Relationships

February 25, 2016

I read the actual Four Agreements book several years ago and vomited in my mouth a little; although quite popular and I’m sure groundbreaking if you are, say, new to the planet, I found it overly simplistic and a complete waste of time—do we really need to be told to act with integrity and not gossip? Do we really need a whole book to illustrate this? And it was written as though this was some magical ancient wisdom being passed down through the centuries when to me, it was simply common sense.

I have found, in the last several years, as I’ve spoken to clients and groups, that a few agreements seem to come up again and again when it comes to relationships: I have piled them together for you here in this tiny little blog post.

This is some of my most cherished wisdom. It might just be your lucky day.

Agreement #1

We all have a right to notice what is happening around us and voice it.

Imagine this scene: you’ve arrived at a dinner party and you notice that your partner is acting quite coldly to the hosts. You are fully aware that your partner doesn’t really like these people, so you assume that he/she is having a lousy time and wants to leave for that reason.

What if, instead of assuming and maybe fuming that your partner was ruining your night, you actually noticed what was happening and voiced it? “Darling, you seem a little off tonight. What’s happening for you?”

Your partner can then explain what is actually going on to make them behave in this way. Maybe they just found out that they are being laid off from work and didn’t want to spoil your evening with the news, or maybe he/she spotted the host sneaking off to a hotel room with a stranger and is uncomfortable. It could be either of these or none of these—you don’t know!

This one is actually a secret intimacy-builder: when we notice and connect with the people around us with our observations, it creates intimacy. Even with strangers, and especially with the people we love the most.

Think about what could have happened in each of these examples:

You notice an overwhelmed mom in the parking lot of the grocery store, juggling a baby and a toddler and a cart full of crazy, and you say, “It looks like you’ve got your hands full—can I help?”

You’re waiting in line to board a plane at the airport and notice that the woman next to you is reading a book that you just finished and hated and you say, “I see you’re reading Fifty Shades of Awful Writing. How are you finding it?”

Your daughter comes home from a school dance and seems quiet and sullen and you say, “You don’t seem to be as excited as you were before the dance started. What was it like?”

We are always allowed to observe, and let’s be honest: we’re all doing it all the time, and we are also making assumptions about what we see. When we voice what we see, we invite other people to be intimate with us. And in case you’re new here, I will remind you that I think that is the name of the whole game.

Agreement #2

We can (and have a responsibility to) ask for what we need.

I remember this really vividly: I was spending the summer with a beloved aunt who lived several hours away from us. I think her work schedule had conflicted one afternoon that I was there, so she asked a friend who ran a daycare to entertain me for the afternoon. I basically just hung out and read while she tended to the little kids in her care.

I remember being absolutely starving and being too shy to ask for something to eat. I assumed that she would eventually offer me something, but she was wrapped up in the daycare duties and didn’t. As the afternoon wore on, and I grew more and more hungry, I was silently feeling really resentful.

When my aunt finally arrived to pick me up and was chatting with her friend, it came up that I hadn’t eaten basically all day. I clearly remember her incredulous question: “Why didn’t you ask for something, love?”

Good question.

Whether we need heat to be turned on because we are cold, or some kind words at the end of a long day, we have the right and responsibility to ask. No one has to give it to us, but we get to ask. And I’ll let you know that most of the time, you get what you ask for. People like to grant wishes like that. Try it.

Agreement #3

No one is here to take care of anyone else.

I have thousands of examples for this one, but it boils down to this: we are all meant to go through life and have our very own experiences of what is happening. When we take care of others and make it easier for them, or shelter them, we are doing no favours. It can be challenging to step back and remind yourself that people can handle their own lives, but it’s worth it, and also worth practicing on an ongoing basis.

When I used to leave my pets with a house sitter, I would haul out this four-page tome of instructions to explain the every nuance of running my 700-square foot home. Seriously. I thank every house sitter I ever had for not smacking me on the face as I went through them all. After a while, and after I started coaching and holding my clients as naturally creative, resourceful and whole, I stopped this nonsense and now I let them know the basic routine of the dog, how much he eats, and how to reach me. No kitchens are particularly mysterious, so I think whomever it is can snoop their way to success in my absence.

I invite you to look at where you might be care-taking and let go. Let the people you love make mistakes and have their very own shiny experiences of life—it’s how we learn.

Agreement #4

We are all just doing our best.

This struck me years ago, when I was taking a course with Landmark Education. The instructor pointed out that no matter how bad of a job our parents did in raising us, their only objective was to keep us alive until we left their care. They were always doing the best that they could with what they knew at the time.

It’s so, so true.

Someone else’s “best” might look like what you would consider your worst, but I encourage you to be your most empathetic and remember that they are trying. Even if they’re cutting you off in traffic. Even if they are breaking your heart. Even if they are not speaking to you at all while you’re trying to have an argument with them. If we all remembered this one thing of the people we encounter, think of how different our everyday interactions would be.

Common sense that changes relationships.

These four agreements are the basis for a lot of the work I do with couples. They’ve helped my clients ensure their own needs are met, while learning how to better understand and appreciate each other, even during the messy times—especially then. I use them as cornerstones in my own relationships, reminding myself of them again and again as I strive to live a big, heart-led life.

I would love for you to try some of them out and let me know what you notice. (I know you didn’t have to read 132 pages to get the wisdom, but I promise it’s still valid.)

Wishing you an agreement-filled week and I would love to hear your comments below.

Get Real, Sexy Real

Tara

Have a question for Tara? Have an idea for a Hump Day conversation? How about just some thoughts about this thing called life? Let us know here. We’ll answer back. We promise.

It’s not a Career, it’s a Body of Work

February 19, 2016

For the last four years I’ve stumbled when people have asked me what I do.

It’s because I’m an entrepreneur.

It’s because I’m an artist.

It’s because I’m a network marketer.

It’s because I’m a full time mom.

It’s because I’m a body of work, not a career.

xxT