love Archives - Page 2 of 3

When Life ROCKS You

June 17, 2016

The great folks at the Good Mother Project got me thinking, when they posted an article about “Flashbangs”: the events in life that ROCK you and change life as you know it. The obvious one is the arrival of a baby and the transition into motherhood, but what else can challenge a marriage and create shifts no one could have ever predicted?

I know, right?

GOOD QUESTION.

This stuff is work talking about, before it happens, ideally.

I would love to know:

What rocked you?
How did you grow into it?
Did you grow into it, or did it leave a part of your relationship just a little fractured?

Time to spill, darling, because this is where relationship gets real, remember?

Get Real,

Sexy Real

Tara

Tara Caffelle is a Relationship and Communication coach. She is passionate about creating connected, almost-uncomfortable-to-watch relationships that are based in Sexy Communication and Big Lives worth rolling around in.

Tara is based in the Lower Mainland of Vancouver and offers custom-designed coaching programs. To claim your free 90+ minutes and see what might be possible for your own super coupledom (or persondom), find a time here.

Have a question for Tara? Have an idea for a Hump Day conversation? How about just some thoughts about this thing called life? Let us know here. We’ll answer back. We promise.

Boyfriends vs. Husbands

June 10, 2016

This topic came to me a few weeks ago when I saw our delightful TinaO posting on Facebook about her ‘boyfriend’ who is actually her devoted husband:

It got me thinking.

What is our default when it comes to relationship?

There is definitely a different tone to a relationship once it gets more serious; less dressing up for one another, more staying in to crash on the sofa with Netflix, and more sharing of…bodily functions.

I think we seek comfort and familiarity and happily fall into easy patterns once we’ve committed to being with someone. In addition, the intoxicating New Relationship Energy that flooded early interactions, causing a euphoria that replaced eating and sleeping, eventually fades so that we can get on with building a life together.

That is all well and good, but I would assert that we get to choose how we are in our relationships, regardless of how long you’ve been in them and being conscious about your behaviour is the key.

If you’ve been a wife or a husband so long that you don’t remember dating, try this on: behave in a way that feels like you are back in the land of wooing your mate; dress up for your time together, make some plans, hold the door open, make your signature recipe, give a back rub…you get to decide. I invite you to be conscious and notice how you were and also how you are.

As always, don’t be shy, let me know how it goes and what you discover over in Tara’s Play Space on Facebook.

Get Real, Sexy Real

Tara

Have a question for Tara? Have an idea for a Hump Day conversation? How about just some thoughts about this thing called life? Let us know here. We’ll answer back. We promise.

Tara Caffelle VLOG#2 – Netflix, Men and Relationships

May 26, 2016

Intro from me, TinaO:

Okay… I know legendary actor John Cusack crosses generations of fans. If you’re over 40 and you’re a woman, you probably had his TigerBeat picture on your locker. If you’re under 30, I bet you know who he is, and I’m almost positive you’ve seen his iconic Say Anything boombox scene haven’t you? And if not, you’ve witnessed his rainy romantic, heart fluttering scene replicated in multiple movies since, you just didn’t know it. It’s true, Say Anything slayed us children of the 80s women in the same way The Graduate and Love Story did in the 60s and the 70s, and When Harry Met Sally and Sleepless in Seattle did in the 90s and then Love Actually, Knocked up and Juno in the the 2000s. We LOVE our RELATIONSHIP MOVIES don’t we?

Today, in 2016, not only do we get to witness lots of gritty love drama in our favourite shows like: House of Cards, Scandal and The Walking Dead (btw we are in a gruesome era of love aren’t we?), but we can also access the progression of LOVE and RELATIONSHIPS over the decades on NETFLIX.

Hmmm… here’s what our Relationship Guru lady Tara Caffelle has to say about it in her very own new love-mobile (no, not mobile like mobile phone, but mobeel as in vehicle).

Enjoy…

WATCH HERE:

Have a question for Tara? Have an idea for a Hump Day conversation? How about just some thoughts about this thing called life? Let us know here. We’ll answer back. We promise.

My Name is Tara and I’m a Jackass

May 19, 2016

You know what word I have written an alarming number of times in the last year?

JACKASS.

And also Jackassery and Jackassness.

Yes, I like to make up words, but this is a brilliant way to describe a lot of behaviours. I am the one pointing all of this out, but don’t think it’s because I am some magical non- jackass unicorn: I assure you I am not. I am just willing to call it out, and do what I need to correct my course.

There are many places where I see Jackassness:

In my work: when coaches start charging double and triple their rates in some sort of pissing contest to make clients prove they want to invest in the work, it feels like Jackassery to me. I won’t do it. Even eight years into this, I am still quite an affordable coach, and I intuitively charge what the work with any given client feels like it wants to be. It’s a little woo, but it works for me. When I do find myself more concerned with the invoice than being of service to the beautiful humans in front of me, I often apologize and bring it back to a place that feels right.

In traffic: I have a real strong value around fairness and consideration, so when some JACKASS cruises up the shoulder to get a car length ahead of me, or isn’t bothering to pay attention at a stoplight when it turns green, I often get a little incensed and let it get the better of me. I have also been the jackass in this; I’ve blocked an entrance to a parking lot while creeping along in traffic, and when the guy who couldn’t get into said parking lot asked me what my problem was (I am paraphrasing some very colourful language, here), I joined him in his anger and flipped him off. I know. I’m such a nice human.

In my friendships: many years ago, seemingly before I had a compassionate bone in my body, a dear friend of mine lost her dad, very suddenly. I was heartbroken for her, obviously, but you know what I said to her when we spoke weeks later? “I was disappointed that you didn’t call on me to support you in that.” Ouch. Jackassery. Right there. I quickly realized what a jerk thing to say that really was, and apologized, but I think it was a thorn between us for a long time.

In my dog-parenting: there are days that are legitimately full, where I am coaching and in meetings, and dashing off to the gym and whatever else I have planned, and the poor dog, to whom I was a single dog parent for a long time, slips to the bottom of the priority ladder. On other days, I am not as booked up, but just a lazy Jackass, and all I make time for is a quick stroll around the neighbourhood. I can’t fool Baxter, who gives me a look that says he knows very well that I have time for an actual dog adventure (Jackass level? MASTER).

In my relationships: I could list off a few examples here…there have been times when I’ve been thoughtless, selfish, and just a complete Jackass. I have whined when I am having a bad day and my partner is dealing with stress and unable to drop everything to appease me. When plans have changed because of a family or work obligation for my mate, I have been passive-aggressive in my disapproval.

Trust me, there has been plenty of Jackassery.

I think the key is what we DO about it. It’s in the recovery. I used to work for a fairly large rail tour company and I loved the mantra for any sort of SNAFU or chaos that disturbed the guests’ pleasure: “It’s all in the recovery.” Damn straight. The value lies in how it’s actually left.

I love that I get to apologize and make it right. I love that I get to be vulnerable and get closer to the people around me as I pull open my super-hero costume just a little and show my human-ness. Yes, it’s been hard, I won’t sugar coat that, but because I have been willing (not always, but a lot of the time) to call myself out, it’s worked out well, after all.

Sometimes we don’t get to make it right, as happens when I am in traffic beating myself up or hating on the people around me. That’s when I say say to myself, “Look at that lovely human, doing the best they can.” It helps. Sometimes.

So here’s my TinaO invitation this week: notice your Jackassery and then own it. Make it right somewhere. Try saying this: “I’m sorry. I was a total jackass earlier and it was not my intention. Can we have that conversation again and I’ll be nicer?”

Let me know how it goes, okay? I’ll be busy taking the dog on an adventure and making some apology calls.

Get Real, Sexy Real

Tara

Have a question for Tara? Have an idea for a Hump Day conversation? How about just some thoughts about this thing called life? Let us know here. We’ll answer back. We promise.

Chuck that Shit – Tara Caffelle Vlog

May 14, 2016

So, I have a bit of a love affair with the peeps on this site. I fell for Tara when we first sat down together a number of years ago and as is the courtship thang… love happens incrementally. So here’s the thing: I love listening to this gal. A few weekends ago we hooked up for a cuppa joe and some eggs and caught up on life, love and our vision.

I said to her: Thought bubble! oh man… I just had a thought! Would you be willing to VLOG for TinaOLife? There’s an energy to you that comes through only in experiencing you. You’ve got this kooky coolness that I think a vlog would capture differently than your writing. What do you think?

Guess what she said…

ummmm YES!

So here she is… speaking straight to you about making space by CHUCKING THAT SHIT…

Get Real, Sexy Real

Tara

Have a question for Tara? Have an idea for a Hump Day conversation? How about just some thoughts about this thing called life? Let us know here. We’ll answer back. We promise.

The Magic of Slowing Down

May 5, 2016

About a year ago, I was heading into what I would call kick-in-the-ass time when it came to my business. After some hiccups and personal issues, I was ready to take it on in a new way and realize some serious success.

And so I did what I always do: made some lists, set up some meetings, strategized like a nut (complete with giant flip charts on the walls) and got my Poop in a Group, so to speak. I also asked for recommendations of business coaches and started the process of interviewing them and looking for a good fit.

The first one I spoke with was a skilled pit bull. She gave me a pile of homework on our initial call – by doing it all I was meant to both prove myself as a client and decide if I really wanted to work with her. I flew into a familiar flurry of homework and producing and all that.

In that time, I also had a call with another coach (the one I ended up hiring) and it was Magical. I think we both fell in coach love in the first five minutes of the call, and as I learned to embrace a slower, softer, tenderer way of being in my business, I was hooked and I am still working with her now.

My biggest learning from my coach was to slow down before gearing up. To stop and allow silence to show me what was next. As a result, I took loads of time off, and stopped working so hard. I took silent retreats where I wrote and napped and gazed out the window at pretty mountains. And huge ideas came. Insights came. Every possible thing came.

My business has grown exponentially; in the first few months of this year, I have already surpassed ALL that I did last year in the whole year.

In this process, I committed to listening to my intuition, and to treating myself, my clients and my business as tenderly and compassionately as I could. I focused on holding all of the balls I juggle loosely and with love. I slowed down. My mantra became “What got me here won’t get me there.” All of the ways of being had only gotten me so far, and I was being called to operate in a whole new way in order to move ahead. I started to sweetly surrender to all that would come my way without me having to work my ass off to get it.

“What got me here won’t get me there.”

Why am I telling you all this? I hope you know by now that I relate nearly everything to relationships. This slowing-down-to-go-further approach actually applies to everything.

When we don’t slow it down, we deplete. Our cup runs out. If we don’t put the proverbial oxygen mask on ourselves first, we have nothing to give anyone else.

Slowing down allows life to catch up. It gives us space to more easily suck the marrow out of all that we do and care about.

And I know that it sounds counter-productive, to stop and rest in order to get ahead. I will point to the marathon runners who rest even for a minute periodically as they run, and find they get a better time at the end of the race. And I will point out that when you are on the highway and want to pass a giant, slow-moving vehicle, you must gear down (becoming more powerful) before you can clear what’s in your way.

In relationships, this shows up as “busy”: over-scheduled kids, and stressed adults who go from thing to thing to thing without stopping. In the doing of it all, we forget the being of it. We lose sight of how incredible the flawed and beautiful person is that we wake up with each day and have chosen to spend our life with. We forget what’s really important: our connections and relationships.

Slowing down and holding our partners, children and our own well-being with exquisite care, compassion and gentleness allows our relationships to flourish. We get to bask in the affection of our mate, fill our energy banks up, connect with our why, and carry on renewed and inspired.

Please try it. Because what got you here might not get you there. Because maybe there’s some sweetness in slowing down, and maybe you’ll see a new way of being together that you like. Cancel some plans and declare a “family day” of movies and ice cream and pyjamas.

Or, if you really want to slow down and truly reconnect with your partner, try this: sign up for my Relationship Rendezvous – a weekend intimacy challenge that may involve some nakkidness. It’s my mission to slow this world down and make it just a little more delicious as we do.

Get Real, Sexy Real

Tara

Have a question for Tara? Have an idea for a Hump Day conversation? How about just some thoughts about this thing called life? Let us know here. We’ll answer back. We promise.

What’s Taboo to You?

April 13, 2016

What’s Taboo to You?

In my family, it seems like some things are too tragic to even talk about. A few months after my dear friend and ex-husband passed away last year, I had lunch with my aunt and uncle. At the end of the meal, during which we caught up on family and the weather and all those usual things, my aunt quietly reached across the table, lightly touched my hand, and with a nod, half-whispered “You’re doing all right, with….everything?”

I assured her that I was, because, let’s the be honest, the door hadn’t exactly been swung open to speak openly about my grief and the hell I found myself in. It felt easier to give her the answer she wanted to hear.

I remember a TV show in which the character’s mother would always whisper the word cancer, as if it was just too awful to say out loud.

But here’s the thing: not giving voice to things that are unpleasant to talk about does not make them go away.

If we choose to keep things to ourselves, we rob our loved ones of intimate moments with us from which we could all grow.

I, for one, would rather speak openly about, well, everything. In my sessions with clients (and even during dinner parties), I brazenly ask the questions about sex lives, the quality of relationships, and the taboo things that aren’t being said. It’s my super power.

Yes, some topics are very uncomfortable, and we don’t want to risk looking bad, looking stupid, being shamed, or being told that what we are saying doesn’t matter. When we choke back our words, not only is it toxic to our bodies to keep it bottled up, but it’s also the very opposite of intimate. It doesn’t help us to share our experiences and grow from them.

My clients often find themselves locked in quiet conflict with their partners because they’re afraid to speak up about the things that are troubling them. Instead of initiating a conversation in a safe, open way, they avoid the most important topics…and let them fester.

When we choke back our words, not only is it toxic to our bodies to keep it bottled up, but it’s also the very opposite of intimate.

My solution to this, and your invitation, should you choose to accept it, is to preface these topics with permission or a request for support.

Here are some examples:

● I’m feeling really upset about this and I’m not sure what’s happening for me. Can we talk about this some more?

● I have something I need to tell you and I’m scared that you’re going to be angry with me.

● Can I share an observation about what happened between us last night?

● This is really awkward and I’m not sure what to say.

● Please help me understand what you’re trying to say.

The next time you have something that you are tempted to keep to yourself because you feel triggered, or because you’re fearful of what might happen, try one of these on. You may be pleasantly surprised by the outcome of the conversation.

I will be speaking openly about all sorts of relationship-related things in my Play Space Salon and I would love to have you join me there on the second and fourth Thursdays of each month. To access the live salon, head on over to my Facebook page and tune in at 7pm PDT. You’ll be able to send me your questions and comments as we go. I look so forward to seeing you there!

Get Real, like Sexy Real.

Tara

Have a question for Tara? Have an idea for a Hump Day conversation? How about just some thoughts about this thing called life? Let us know here. We’ll answer back. We promise.

iRelationships

April 8, 2016

iRelationship?

I don’t know about you, but I have a love/hate relationship with my technology. I happily leave my phone at home when I am out in the woods, for instance, but then wish I had it with me to take photos of beautiful views. I try to make rules for myself about when and where I am allowed to look at it, but it’s still my alarm clock, and although I rarely need an alarm to wake up with these days, I need it to wake me up when I have somewhere to be. I love the convenience, and hate that I’m so dependent.

When I was in Colombia in February, you’ll recall that I didn’t speak a lot of Spanish and was also travelling alone. The only “company” I had was when I could use wifi to chat with the boyfriend, my assistant, my editor, and anyone else who would interact with me.

The whole experience of only being able to type to communicate for the entire time I was away got me thinking:

How have relationships changed with technology?

How well can we possibly communicate with only a tiny keyboard and rampant auto-correct?

This led me to investigate new ways of being with my phone and the relationships in my life (something I have also pondered here).

To start, I went to Tara’s Play Group, (a private Facebook group you’re invited to join!), and asked:

“What are the last three texts that you and your sweetie exchanged?”

What I found was a lot of what I expected: Folks forgot their lunches. Some couldn’t find a place to park. Some were encouraged to shop for things that would bring joy. Many plans were made to consume food. One couple was shopping for dog beds.

There were also proclamations of love with expletives for emphasis. But on the whole, the text messages were hardly love letters.

I considered how relationships looked 10, 20 and 50 years ago. My grandparents didn’t text, they would make plans (and keep them); my grandfather would call on my gramma to see her. My parents relied on notes left on the kitchen counter to communicate when they couldn’t manage to connect in person. I would write notes on loose-leaf paper, fold it carefully into an origami square, and slip it to the high school boy of my dreams as we passed in the hallways.

The reality is, technology is a huge part of our current relationships and it’s here to stay. But I can’t help but wonder if it’s splintering our conversations with our loved ones into a bunch of disconnected updates.

Maybe we need to think about being more intentional with our communication, and consciously notice how it fits into our lives. Just like with the inevitable shifts that come in relationships over time—from the ooh-la-la-in-love stuff to the mundane and settled—our technological exchanges seem to shift, as well. But that doesn’t mean we don’t get a say in it.

The reality is, technology is a huge part of our current relationships.

One action item I am taking on is to really notice my partner and the people with whom I communicate. Instead of the usual equivalent of a non-verbal grunt over text, I am taking time to notice and see. I am telling my Mister that I loved watching him play with the dog this morning and that I really appreciate that he made me coffee before leaving for work. I’m starting to write actual letters to share news, instead of drafting an email or a short text.

What do you think: does technology have a negative impact on your relationships? What will you do to be more present while also using it?

Its time to get real, like sexy real.

Tara

Have a question for Tara? Have an idea for a Hump Day conversation? How about just some thoughts about this thing called life? Let us know here. We’ll answer back. We promise.

Young With You

March 17, 2016

I would intro this piece by Rodney DeCroo… but why? Read. Feel. Listen. Fall in.

Yes, there’s a link to the recording below. Just buy it–but enjoy the lyrics first.

Young With You

We could talk about the old times,
We could dig up all those graves,
We could set the dead to talking,
But we don’t know what they might say.

So please don’t say you’re sorry,
I don’t need that from you,
To be young is to be reckless,
I’m glad I was young with you.

We could walk along the seashore,
We could stare out at the waves,
We could pretend we live forever,
But we don’t think that way.

So please don’t say you’re sorry,
I don’t need that from you,
To be young is to be reckless,
I’m glad I was young with you.

Some poets have said,
All our loves we will destroy,
Some poets have said,
In our sorrow lies our joy,

But I don’t feel any wiser,
Than I ever felt before,
And I still have no idea,
What we’re here for.

So please don’t say you’re sorry,
I don’t need that from you,
To be young is to be reckless,
I’m glad I was young with you.

Want to hear him sing it? Yeah you do. So here it is.

Hey… Rodney has a gig on March 26th.

Check it out below.

MARCH 26 / Showcase @ Backspace

Date: Saturday, March 26th

Time: Doors 7pm / Show 8pm

Where: Backspace (1318 Grant Street Vancouver / Lane Entrance)

Cost: $15 advance / $20 door

Tickets: Online via eventbrite, by phone 604-831-6263,

Highlife Records, Red Cat Records, Zulu Records

Drink: Cash Bar

Link: https://www.facebook.com/events/1701244626755840/

About: Don’t miss this show show between country-noir / folk-country artists and old friends Rodney DeCroo + The Wise Blood and Carolyn Mark!

Rodney DeCroo is a songwriter, poet and playwright. He has released 6 full-length albums, an album of poetry set to music (Allegheny), a book of poetry (Allegheny, BC) and a theatre production (Stupid Boy in an Ugly Town) that received critical acclaim at several Canadian fringe and writers festivals. DeCroo wrestles with regret, loss, aging, love, memory, death, art—always with his own ongoing recovery embedded in the background. DeCroo’s album and performances draw upon his greatest natural resource—his poetry.

Want to buy his music? Find him here on itunes. Want to catch him in concert? Check out his calendar here.

The 100% Lean In

March 3, 2016

I’m always going on and on about how we are in relationship with everyone in our lives, from our barista at Starbucks to whomever we land with in bed at the end of the day, and I also know that each of those relationships can be happily designed. We do this with the 100% lean-in.

Today, I want to focus on Starbucks. Yep, you read that right: it’s a great example of The 100% Lean in, and I think once you understand this, you can apply it all over the place.

Our job, if you will, as a customer at Starbucks, involves the following steps: enter the building (for the sake of argument, let’s not include the drive-through option), walk up to the counter, order our coffee, pay for our coffee, thank the barista, put whatever accoutrements into the coffee, and leave with said coffee. Doing all of these things without any sort of hiccups can be considered showing up for your job at 100%.

The barista’s job is to cheerfully take our order, accept our payment, deliver our beverage to us, and say thank you. Doing all of these things constitutes showing up 100%.

Are you still with me?

What I know is that 100% can look different on different days. I will outline what not-quite 100% looks like and how we can easily adjust to make it so.

Scenario: You get to the counter and realize you have forgotten your wallet in the car and have no way to pay for your beverage. What would make it 100%?: Ask for what you need. Tell the barista what has happened so that your order can be held until you can get your money and the line-up behind you can proceed with their orders.

Scenario: You are in in the middle of an important phone call on your mobile, and while you sincerely wish it would end in time for you to order your coffee, that is not the case, and instead of ordering, you must continue your conversation. (See how I give you the benefit of the doubt that you’re not just standing in line, staring at your phone, oblivious to all that is happening around you?). What would make it 100%?: Step aside, ask the person you are on the call with to give you a moment so you can order, or pretend you just went through a tunnel and hang up (it’s the nature of phones that people are able to call us back—cool, right?).

Scenario: You approach the counter and the barista is telling her co-worker about the wicked concert she saw last night, complete with an air guitar impression. What would make it 100%?: Trick question! This one is on the barista. You’re welcome to get the barista’s attention in a respectful way, but this is really up to the barista to make up the difference, and that is by ending her inappropriate conversation and take your order.

Scenario: The barista is nowhere to be seen and you peer over the counter and see that he is kneeling on the floor putting some cups away behind the counter. How to make it 100%: Again, this is up to the barista to make up. All that is needed is a quick “I’ll be right with you!”

Scenario: Hot coffee in hand, you go to the sugar-adding station and you get stuck behind a guy who has his stuff spread all over everywhere. You can’t even get to the sugar. What would make it 100%?: The guy can turn to you and say, well, anything. “So sorry, I’ll get out of your way” or (this is one I use all the time) “Argh! I’m quite a tornado, aren’t I? Can I pass you the cream?”

What this means for more intimate relationships:

In relationships that run a little deeper than coffee, we can apply these ideas; when you notice that you’re showing up less than your 100% ideal, explain why, and then ask for what you need. Conversely, if your partner is failing to show up and meet your expectations in a way that feels like 100% for you, ask (in a caring way) what is happening that you can maybe be more understanding about. (They may not have ready this post and be as in tune with what 100% looks like!).

A few quick examples come to mind:

● You have a deadline coming up at work and know you will be preoccupied all week. So you ask your partner for their patience and understanding

● You suffer from horrendous seasonal allergies, and your partner has planned a full day of fun on the day you have off together. You ask for a little time for your allergy meds to kick in.

● You meet an old friend for dinner and although you would love to really catch up, you can’t stop thinking about how your grandmother is really sick and you aren’t able to fly out see her. You explain to your friend why you are not really present.

Showing up at 100% looks different on any given day.

The good news is it’s really easy to notice when you’re falling short and ask for what you need to make up the difference.

It’s also worth taking a look at how, in our relationships, we sometimes lean in more or less than 100%, which can lead to resentment, and mistrust and a whole host of other things, but I will leave that for another week. Until then, go grab a coffee at Starbucks, and think of me!

Get Real, like Sexy Real

Tara

Have a question for Tara? Have an idea for a Hump Day conversation? How about just some thoughts about this thing called life? Let us know here. We’ll answer back. We promise.